Tomorrow my husband is getting snipped.
It is a little mind boggling to me that we’ve arrived at this place of knowing we don’t want to have anymore kids, especially when just three years ago we were desperate (or, I was desperate) to have a second.
Not a day that goes by without me taking a moment to actively thank the forces that be for my son, who has brought so much to my life.
And not a day that goes by without me feeling 100% sure that I do not want another kid.
Motherhood has been really hard for me. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that the experience was not at all what I had expected. I’ve had to mourn the loss of that expectation and I think I’m finally at a place where I’ve accepted my experience for what it is, without lingering disappointment or regret.
My husband has mentioned to a few people why he’ll be out at the end of the week. Everyone has been incredulous that he’s making such a permanent decision so young. He doesn’t have an inkling of doubt. At 34 he knows that he doesn’t want anymore children. He is sure.
Sometimes I wonder if, in 5 or 10 years, I might want to have another. I can’t imagine I would, and I’m not concerned that I might, because I know that at 40 or 45 I won’t have a choice in the matter. Heck, I’ll probably already be going through menopause.
Honestly though, when I read about people with older kids who are starting all over again with a new baby I can’t even fathom what they are thinking (not just in why-would-they-do-that? kind of way, but also in the what-must-that-be-like? kind of way). Older kids are the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel–I have no desire to live these very-young-kid years again. At this point I’m clamoring to regain of sense of self that I lost five years ago and that I can’t imagine myself finding again until my kids are older and don’t look to me to meet every need.
I also have serious doubts that my marriage will make it through this first round with young kids, I would never want to put it through this again.
So no more kids for us, and Thursday we make that decision final. I must say, I am relieved, because if I were to become pregnant at this point, I’d have to make the hardest decision of my life, one I know my marriage couldn’t survive and one I doubt I could move on from myself.
I know how lucky I am, to have the family I always dreamed of. I don’t take my two children for granted, but I also know what I can handle and I know what I can’t. And a third kid is not something I can manage.