So. Now what?

I wrote that post last night, and I was feeling fucking awesome after writing it. Like I could conquer the world.

And then, as I was opening Hulu to watch an episode of Arrow (yes, I’m a comic book hero inspired TV show junkie), a voice in my head whispered, you know you have to write another one for tomorrow, right?

Oh shit. Yes I do.

So I closed down Hulu and came back here.

And realized this might have been a mistake. A massive mistake.

I even wondered if I could just pull out now. And I cursed myself for pressing publish on that post before I could retract my words.

Because I’m not sure what to write.

It’s not that there isn’t fodder. There is. Lots of fodder. Heaps of fodder. Fodder piled to my eye balls.

But this shit is big. These are hard subjects to broach. The require concentration and stamina. They require I give enough of a shit to write.

No, that’s not it. That’s not accurate. Because I do give enough of a shit. It just hurts to get it down.

It hurts to reach inside, find it, wrench it free, clean it off, make some sense of it, and plaster it all across this page.

I have spent so much time walking around the muck, carefully avoiding it, I don’t remember how to wade in.

Plus I don’t have any goulashes.

But after four long years of drought an El Niño is supposedly coming.

I guess I better find a pair of waterproof footwear and get used to sloshing around in the dark, wet, messy of it.

13 Comments

  1. For the record, I never thought you shared too much, and I always liked reading those daily posts. I mean, we learned all about your lady bits, and that was just fine! I can see that some of what you’ve written might not feel fair to your husband or daughter, but I never felt like I knew something I shouldn’t.

    1. I appreciate hearing that, especially when others have expressed a different opinion. I laughed when you mentioned knowing a lot about my lady bits because that is something I don’t regret sharing at all! (Seriously, people should know what can happen down there!) But there is so much more I wrote that wasn’t mine to publish. It’s the shared stories, or the stories that could be misconstrued to cause hurt, that I wish I hadn’t shared.

      You can bet there will be talk of my busted lady business this month. 😉

  2. Even in the last post you wrote, it sounds like a bad idea. For all of the reasons you listed there and list here. What, exactly, is the benefit you are trying to get that outweighs not getting to do real life (including relaxing)?

    And yes, Esperanza says shared way too much. Put yourself in your family’s shoes– if it were their blog instead of yours, would you want them sharing? This iteration of the blog has been a lot more mature, thoughtful, and kind to your loved ones. I had to stop reading the old one and wouldn’t have started reading this one if I had realized they were the same. But I’m glad I didn’t know.

    So yes, I won’t blame you if you don’t blog every day. Are you unhappy if you don’t overwhelm yourself with too much going on?

    1. Well, we will see how it goes. If I can’t stay true to who I want to be in this space I just won’t write. It’s not like there are any external consequences if I don’t manage it.

      I find it kind of fascinating that you were reading me here and not realizing I was my former self. I hadn’t even considered that could happen. The blogosphere is such a strange and surprising place.

      1. I liked your old blog but I don’t think I ever commented. I always felt like I showed up in the conversation too late so I felt like I was intruding. I think the style of this blog makes it easier to chime in.

        1. I’m glad you feel like this blog makes it easier to participate in the conversation. I have always wanted readers to feel welcome.

  3. I totally get the appeal of a (surmountable) challenge…and I’m always eager to read your posts! But…I know you are also overwhelmed and have a LOT on your plate, so cut yourself some slack if you really need to watch TV instead of posting. Also…not every post needs to be heavy and soul-searching. If you can’t handle that on a given day, just post something light if you feel you want to keep with it.

    1. I am kind of shit at writing the “not-soul-searching” post. I kind of hope I get better at it, because those can be really fun to read and I wish I could put more of them up myself.

  4. How you conserve water in your home.
    Who were your greatest heroes as children.
    What you like most to eat on Thanksgiving.
    What you want to give the seniors in your life for the holidays.
    Which room you dislike most cleaning and why.
    Which room is easiest for you to clean and why.
    What keeps your car orderly or not orderly.
    What your daughter likes to do during art at school.
    How your son feels about going on the train with Daddy.
    Ideas…… to support you in writing … When you don’t want to touch the grit of real life.

    1. Thanks for the ideas. I’m sure I’ll be tapping that resource forthwith. I think BlogHer provides prompts as well, so that helps.

  5. Good luck! And use the BlogHer prompts, or even just use a photo, on the days you feel lost for inspiration. And brevity can help too if you’re short of time. Not that I achieve it very often!

    1. I will definitely be checking out the blogher prompts as needed. They can be really thought provoking.

      I don’t think I knew NaBloPoMo was a BlogHer thing until this participation. I thought it was its own, separate thing. I’m kind of flabbergasted that I missed that.

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