The in-between

Sorry for the absence. I’m still here. Still struggling. It feels like we’re in this in-between space, where normalcy is edging its way into my life, but nothing feels easier. Things are opening up here – in San Mateo County masks aren’t required in big open spaces anymore! – but for our family things mostly feel the same. Traffic is getting worse, but my kids still aren’t in school. I’m starting to panic about next fall – that things will be open in all the ways that don’t help me, but not back to normal in the ways I need. Will schools be open full time? Will there be aftercare that I can access and afford? What happens if I have to be back in my classroom full time and I can’t find adequate coverage for my kids?

I have no faith in society anymore. I fear I will absolutely be hung out to dry. Ultimately I am an afterthought. The government really doesn’t care about creating the circumstances in which women can work.

But they don’t care about anyone, do they? That’s the whole point. Our country expects its citizens to figure shit out for themselves. It’s a family’s business how they arrange care for their kids. If you want to have kids, you gotta deal with them.

It feels like everyone is either back to their old lives, or they’re not but that is their choice and they are okay with it. I feel like I’m being asked to do more and more, but am given nothing to make doing more manageable. I’m so tired and so burned out.

I think it’s that my schedule got a lot more intense in “Phase 4,” but we actually lost child care because my kid’s virtual learning schedule no longer works with my district’s child care (because they are back in person). Also, despite SFUSD making 5 days a week of in person learning an “unwavering priority,” my kids will only be going back 2 days a week, even though so few students are coming back in each class that they can all fit in the same cohort. The reasons my kids’ school can’t accommodate 5 days of in person learning, despite space not being an issue (which is the ONLY reason the district states would be a reason) are myriad and bureaucratic, and they sap any confidence I have in the district’s commitment to return full time in the fall. I really hope they figure things out, but so far, I don’t have a lot of faith. SFUSD is not a district that learns from its mistakes. Or anything really.

Having said that, I’m excited for my kids to return to their classrooms and I’m excited their teachers will be in those classrooms so they won’t just be doing “zoom in a room” which is happening at a lot of other schools. Over 500 teachers and other staff at SFUSD were allowed to stay home despite having the opportunity to be fully vaccinated before they returned. No other district in the vicinity is allowing more than a handful of teachers to stay home after being vaccinated. It really doesn’t make any sense.

On a related note, in the next five weeks my husband and I get two days a week in which we can just do our own work for 5.5 hours a day. I can’t even fathom what that will be like.

I wish we got more days.

In more positive news, our numbers, and the numbers of SF’s neighboring counties are still very low (Marin county almost entered the yellow (least restrictive) tier this week). We’re far enough out from spring break to feel confident that people’s travel did not mess up our downward trends. At least 65% of people over 16 in San Francisco have gotten one dose, and 45% are fully vaccinated. That is with eligibility only opening to everyone 16+ this Monday. I know a 19 and 20 year old who have gotten their first shots! I think we have every reason to expect that a large portion of San Franciscans will get vaccinated – I guess ultimately we’ll have to worry about tourism propagating virus spread, once people start traveling again. There is also the influx people from neighboring counties once they start commuting again for work (did you know SF used to double its population during the work day?!), but neighboring counties should eventually be vaccinated at about the same rate as we are in SF.

So there are lights at the end of this tunnel, I just worry that none of them will be the lights I really need. I am so worried about the fall; it keeps me up at night. I really don’t think anything could assuage my fears – nothing is guaranteed during a pandemic – so I’m going to have to figure out how to deal with the uncertainty and maybe start brainstorming some plans B, C, D through Z.

This in-between space is a hard place to be.

8 Comments

  1. I’m worried about the fall too. But my worries are almost the mirror image of yours. I’m worried that the schools will be open full time, but there won’t be a remote option. My kids absolutely do not want to go in-person until they’re vaccinated which probably won’t happen for a while.

    I understand your concerns. A lot of parents really want or need their kids in full time school.

    No other district in the vicinity is allowing more than a handful of teachers to stay home after being vaccinated.

    I’m pretty sure that my district gives teachers the option. Which is great from my point of view because they need teachers available for the 35% or si of kids who are choosing the remote option for the remainder of this year.

    1. If they were matching the kids staying home with the teachers staying home that would be one thing, but they are not. Kids are staying with their teachers regardless. So each teacher is dealing with kids in the classroom and kids at home if they are at home or in the classroom themselves. Hopefully next year they will have the wherewithal to separate them out at the beginning but I have no faith that my district can pull that off.
      I’ve read lots of articles about how distance learning is here to stay a lot of districts will continue offering it, even after the pandemic is totally over. I hope your district is one of those. If it’s not maybe you can enroll in another district that is offering it. It wouldn’t even matter how close they were since it’s all online anyway. My guess is they’d allow other people to enroll because that means more money. As long as they had the space…
      If I knew for sure that my husband and I could continue working remotely my anxiety would be greatly reduced. But for my husband that possibility is low and for me that possibility is lower. We are both government workers and I am a teacher on top of that. We just won’t have the flexibility that a lot of private sector employees might have moving forward.

  2. Thank you for continuing to write about this. This pandemic is stretching out in absolutely every regard and it’s so hard.

    We recently got access to some childcare for my younger one and after just a few weeks, positive case (from a teacher who absolutely had the opportunity to be vaccinated but didn’t) and bam home for 2 weeks. So many other parents are sending the kids to grandparents or back up sitters which we don’t have access to and probably wouldn’t feel great about even if we did. This thing is just not over but both our jobs are tired of us being unreliable (my work has been much better than my husbands so…)

    We are lucky our county (which has done a pretty shitty job for education in general) is starting to talk about fall and emphasizing that the distance learning will continue but separate from the in person learning. I am glad they were forced into trying “simultaneous” teaching this spring because it’s clear EVERY ONE hates it. Teachers parents everyone. I am hoping the fall will be slightly better as a result.

    But honestly I am so worried we are going to keep having these random two week closures forever and my kids struggle with these SO much. We just all need a lot more routine than we are getting. I try not to compare myself to other families but how is anyone ok with this? My kids are especially tough ages to accomplish anything when they are home (the 3 year old, OMG) but even if I could I just don’t want to go put them in a room and tell them to leave me alone for 8 hours. Are kids ok that have had that life for over a year now? We have neighbors who seem to be doing that and they seem to think it’s fine. Maybe they are but we could not manage that. I’m just feeling like a failure in every regard but honestly don’t know what to do differently. We don’t have a nanny on call for these random days off, how do people do that? And how do they find some one who is good enough? A good full time nanny seems hard enough to find. I am not even convinced camp is going to be that great in terms of child care considering the struggles my older one is having at school where she has a lot more support. I just am really struggling with how we are going to continue this as flexibility from work continues to decrease over time. How is this real?

    1. I haven’t had my kids in many care situations (only my son 2x a week at my district, which started in December), and have never experienced the “back home for two weeks because of quarantine” situation yet. That would be incredibly frustrating now that people can be vaccinated. I guess I’ll have to add that to my list of worries too… Ugh. It feels like this will never really be over.

      1. Well maybe it will change. Not one other person has been positive from this class and at this point every one is cleared from CDC perspective so it’s pretty pointless. People are definitely starting to push back now that rapid and reliable testing is extremely available and everyone’s wearing masks etc already….a week I understand but 10 days max after negative test seems plenty!

  3. Thank you for writing.
    My worries are different from yours but the validity of yours is not questioned. That so many SF teachers are still opting out of classroom when vaccination is available is really interesting and I do not understand it. Children are not immune and NO ONE knows the long term side effects of this virus. Mumps and sterility, chicken pox and shingles are clear warning signals. Long haulers are real. I keep hoping to hear FDA is approving vaccine for 12-16 yr olds really soon, and wish it sounded like younger child studies were farther advanced.
    I am still double masked, distanced, cautious, washing; concerned. India is such a warning flare, we are one world.

    1. Does mumps cause sterility? I had mumps as a kid, but it took them forever to diagnose it because it was so rare by then (I was vaccinated but it was only 70% effective in the 80s). I wonder if that contributed to my fertility issues… I was in school the whole time too because I don’t get fevers much and my mom thought it was something wrong with a tooth (I had bad dental issues too, so it wasn’t as random as it sounds).

      I really don’t have much faith in our country reaching herd immunity and I worry what that will mean for the Bay Area, even if it gets closer than other parts of the country. I don’t really have faith in humanity anymore, and our unwillingness to inconvenience ourselves when the results of doing so are as direct as now (hundreds of thousands of people dying) I’m SURE we won’t inconvenience ourselves to curtail global warming. At least not in the US and not until it’s too late. But that is a whole other anxiety inducer…

      1. Mumps can cause sterility in men.
        Pollution is ABSOLUTELY causing infertility in both men and women. Why water pollution is so ugly, absolutely messing with gender and fertility. But some states are still in favor of polluting … Pausing.
        Climate change reality is terrifying. The deniers and the refusal for the last 40+ years to admit this is real is obscene. But do not pick up that as a worry. You do not have the band width. I don’t either, I am terrified on behalf of my grandchildren and their futures.

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