The Lows

I am someone who is continually cycling through highs and lows. My highs are generally pretty awesome. I feel great. I am super productive. The possibilities seem endless. I am happy and (relatively) carefree.

My lows suck. I feel depressed and anxious. Things that shouldn’t be a big deal overwhelm me. A gloom of hopeless envelopes everything, like a fog.

I’ve been dealing with these cycles for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar II in college. I’ve never really pursued that diagnosis. At the time it was very new (the diagnosis) and I felt it was pretty much bullshit. Since then I’ve done some research myself. I feel like the only thing a Bi-Polar II diagnosis could offer me is a change in medication, because I already recognize these cycles in myself and I’m pretty good at reminding myself that even though the lows seem endless, I won’t always feel this way.

I guess my point is, maybe there is something “more” to my highs and lows, but I don’t think it really matters whether there is or not. This is how I am. This is who I am. I wish these cycles weren’t a part of my life. I wish I weren’t a lot of things that I happen to be (especially when I’m entrenched in one of these accursed lows), but I feel very fortunate that I can manage (or at least have been able to so far) my specific set of challenges.

I’m putting this out here right now as a reminder to myself, that this is a low and that someday, probably not too far in the future, I will come out of it. Things might feel overwhelming and hopeless at the moment, but that feeling will pass. The challenges will change, the way I perceive them will shift, and in the end, it will be okay.

Do you cycle through highs and lows? How do you manage your harder times?

5 Comments

  1. Have you looked at highs and lows in terms of your hormonal levels? Hormonal shifts can make highs and lows exaggerated at pre-menopause years ~ I think perhaps more for PCOS people……

    1. I haven’t looked into this much, mostly because I don’t think I have big hormonal swings, with my DOR. When I was getting my hormones tested during our secondary infertility journey, my problem was they were all really low, and not going up and down like they were supposed to. But I suppose it’s worth looking into.

  2. I totally cycle through highs and lows. I’m low right now, bored with my life (until I sell some stuff on FB which invigorates me until it’s all picked up and I have to find something else to sell). Winter kills me. I’m picking up my meds tonight, meds I haven’t taken since I was newly pregnant with Matthew. So yeah, I’m LOW.

    I’m like you, though, and I know it’s temporary. I just have to power through. Ugh!

    Hang in there!

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