Tomorrow I’m having a procedure done that is supposed to resolve the scar tissue that never healed properly after my first vaginal birth resulted in a third degree tear.
I’m calling it a procedure. My doctor, and the hospital, are calling it a surgery. I will be put under, but might not have to be intubated.
I’ve never been put under before. Not when I had all four of my impacted wisdom teeth removed. Not when they filed off the roots of my toenails in the hopes of preventing chronic in-grown toenails. There is definitely a part of me that wonders why excising a small amount of skin, and giving me a shot of Botox, requires putting me under but I’m going to trust my doctor on this one.
I am nervous. More nervous than I thought I’d be. I’ve been kind of wreck all week. I’m nervous to be put under, for any complications that might arise from the anesthesia. I’m worried I’ll feel sick afterward. I’m dreading not being able to work out for 2-4 weeks (working out is how I manage my anxiety). But mostly I’m terrified that this won’t work, that my chronically painful scar tissue, which reopens and bleeds every time I have sex, will still cause me pain and that I won’t have any more options. Or hope.
I’ve been reading, for the first time, mainstream articles in big publications about pain during sex. I’m glad they are finally being written, circulated, and read. There is almost no conversation around the lasting effects vaginal births can have on a woman’s body, even when they are successful and free of complications. I have prolapse and unresolved scar tissue and both effect of my life daily. The physical ramifications of my two vaginal births are constants in my life. They never went away. And now I’m hoping to resolve one, but I’m not sure it will work.
We put vaginal birth up on a pedestal and never talk about the possible long-term consequences, beyond poking fun at maybe peeing a little when you sneeze.
But I will tell you that chronic pain during sex is nothing to sneeze at. It sucks. And it may never go away.
I’m really hoping, that after tomorrow, it eventually will.