Titles are hard

Thank you all for making me feel less alone after yesterday’s post. I found myself nodding my head at each comment, because I have, or still do, feel all those things. I guess I just have to accept that growing up watching my mother lose babies, losing my own sister (even though I was young), having my own loss and then secondary infertility, and probably even dealing with these lingering physical issues after birth, are going to make the arrival of babies, even into the periphery of my life, complicated.

I’m sick right now with a brutal cold. Some years I skate by without getting much and other years I seem to get every major virus that makes the rounds. Unfortunately this year is turning out to the the latter. I just wish I had this awful virus last week when I had time to rest.

Having said that, I clearly didn’t rest enough because my healing is not going as hoped. I saw my doctor on Friday and she was frustrated to see that all my sutures, even the internal ones, had popped. I was not put on Colace quickly enough and, well, I think you can figure it out from there. She still thinks I will eventually heal and will “love my new vagina” but I am not as hopeful.

The Botox shots that were meant to relax my traumatized muscles, seem to have worsened my prolapse, which is now so advanced that my cervix basically rests on my newly forming scar tissues all day. My doctor didn’t realize this because when I lie down (like I do when she examines me) it pulls up an inch or so, and it took me a while to realize that was what was causing the incredible pressure and discomfort, especially after I went back to work and was on my feet more. The problem is that the way to alleviate the problem (putting in a pessary), will definitely hurt my hopefully healing scar tissue. Let’s just say it’s not healing as hoped, and now I may have to get another surgery I hoped to avoid.

Putting my house on AirBnB is, perhaps not surprisingly, a way more complicated process than I expected. We have to register with the city as a business and file special papers with the tax board. I’m not sure if I’m even supposed to list the place before I take these steps, and if I have to wait it may be too late to find someone for the lengths of time we were hoping to rent it. I have gotten pictures of half of the rooms, but the work I have to do to get a decent shot is making me very aware of how much more I need to do for the house to actually be ready for guests. I honestly might not be able to pull this off…

And the stress of trying to do everything is messing with my marriage. Blerg.

Things are not great right now. I know they will get better, but at the moment I’m feeling down and out. I wish I hadn’t gotten this surgery. I wish I weren’t so organizationally challenged. And I wish I weren’t such a complicated, emotional, mess.

I also wish I didn’t have this $#{%€ cold.