I recently read Untamed by Glennon Doyle, and while I really liked the book and a lot of parts spoke to me, one part that really started unraveling things in my brain was about the patriarchal mindfuckery that women perpetuate against themselves and others. She introduces the concept by talking about how a girl who was playing soccer against her daughter was really rubbing her the wrong way.
I sat with my feelings and I realized: The knee-jerk reaction I’m having to this girl is a direct result of my training. I have been conditioned to mistrust and dislike strong, confident, happy girls and women. We all have. Studies prove that the more powerful, successful, and happy a man becomes, the more people trust and like him. But the more powerful and happy a woman becomes, the less people like and trust her. So we proclaim: Women are entitled to take their rightful place! Then, when a woman does take her rightful place, our first reaction is: She’s so… entitled. We become people who say of confident women, “I don’t know, I can’t explain it–it’s just something about her. I just don’t like her. I can’t put my finger on why.”
Glennon Doyle, Untamed, pg 285
If you had asked me before I read the book if I disliked or mistrusted strong, confident, happy girls and women I would have said, unequivocally, absolutely not. But after reading that paragraph, I immediately recognized myself in those words. There have been so many times that I’ve read a blog post and thought, that woman is so… entitled. Or, I can’t believe she’s not even mentioning her privilege. Or, whoa, humble brag much?
I really didn’t like those bloggers, but I couldn’t quite put my fingers on why.
And yet I kept reading them. I thought maybe I was hate reading them. I think the reality was a subtler distinction. Maybe I knew, subconsciously, that they actually had something of value to say, even if I didn’t like the way they said it. Maybe I recognized that my judgement was about something else, something deeper. What I definitely didn’t consciously understand was this:
I can put my finger on why: It’s because our training is kicking in through our subconscious. Strong, happy, confident girls and women are breaking our culture’s implicit rule that girls should be self-doubting, reserved, timid, apologetic. Girls who are bold enough to break those rules irk us. Their brazen defiance and refusal to follow directions make us want to put them back into their cage.
Glennon Doyle, Untamed, pg 285
That was me. I didn’t realize it, but that was me. It still is me, even though I don’t want it to be. I don’t know where I learned it – maybe if was from a childhood of being so loud and boisterous and energetic that I constantly got messages about being “too much.” Maybe I’m just especially sensitive to the beliefs that are conveyed in the words that are not said. Maybe it was just the implicit (and explicit) messages all girls get, and the messages they keep getting even into adulthood. Maybe it’s a lack of self confidence. I can’t point to a specific source, but I definitely internalized that message at some point. I still internalize it today. And when I come across a woman who is brazenly being herself, announcing her beliefs, opinions, and accomplishments without apology, she irks me. I recognize that she is breaking the rules, even if I can’t articulate them, and I think, well why do you get to do that?
Girls and women sense this. We want to be liked. We want to be trusted. So we downplay our strengths to avoid threatening anyone and invoking disdain. We do not mention our accomplishments. We do not accept compliments. We temper, qualify, and discount our opinions. We walk without swagger, and we yield incessantly. We step out of the way. We say, “I feel like” instead of “I know.” We ask if our ideas make sense instead of assuming they do. We apologize for… everything. Conversations among brilliant woman often devolve into competitions for who wins the trophy for hottest mess. We want to be respected but we want to be loved and accepted even more.
Glennon Doyle, Untamed, pg 285
Amen to that.
I do these things. Without question. I devalue my strengths. I moderate my opinions. I express things I know to be true as mere possibilities. I apologize constantly (something I wrote about trying to stop). I see my friends and I downplaying our accomplishments on our text chains, but proudly announcing the disasters that are our lives. I don’t feel comfortable talking about what is working well in my life without tempering it with recognition of my privilege, or couching it among other things I’m failing at (and much prefer the bloggers who do this as well). I experience it around me all the time, and it’s so normal that I don’t even recognize it for what it is – a patriarchal mindfuck meant to keep women down. I have been conditioned. I exist in this system. It’s hard to see the forest for the trees.
I’ve been reading the bloggers that used to rub me the wrong way with new eyes since I read those paragraphs. I’m much better at recognizing when a post bothers me because I subconsciously feel like the woman is breaking the rules, and when I genuinely disagree with their opinion. It’s hard for me to figure out sometimes, and there are many instances when I’m just not sure. I’m working through it. I’m in patriarchal mindfuckery recovery. I don’t necessarily trust myself yet, but I thought I was getting better.
I finished Untamed over a month ago. I’ve been meaning to write about this for a long time, but I kept putting it off. I’m writing it now because I just recently fell into this trap again. A woman wrote a strongly worded post expressing her opinion without apology. I read the post, and even though I knew it had nothing to do with me, it irked me. It rubbed me the wrong way. I wrote a comment, confident I was coming from a place of objectivity, and then wrote a response to her response, even more confident of my objectivity. And then I sat with what I wrote, and the response. And slowly but surely, I recognized that I had fallen prey to the patriarchal mindfuckery yet again. I didn’t like the post because I didn’t like how brazenly she stated her opinion, without tempering any of it with any statements of “not being sure what to say” or “being open to learning more.” She just said it. Full stop. And it irked me. And instead of stopping to think about it, I ruffled my own feathers and wrote a comment. And then I wrote another (but she very kindly posted it herself under Anon like I asked because I accidentally submitted it with my IRL email and I requested she not post it that way.)
So here I am, writing this post, after being reminded yet again of my tendency to judge women by a set of beliefs I have no interest in perpetuating. I have to say, the patriarchal mindfuckery is insidious and effective and it will require constant vigilance for me to see the world clearly when its messages are part of the software of my brain and color how I interpret everything.
And, this is why we are stuck with a toddler in chief in the white house. Because no one can argue that Hilary Clinton wasn’t the most qualified candidate EVER. But people just didn’t like a successful woman. Ironically, I told my husband this was a real problem prior to the election, although I never understood why people don’t like her. And, I don’t feel liking a presidential candidate is a requirement. But, I was the only girl on an all male sports team in high school in a town that is still so redneck I’d never go back even for a visit. But, it taught me very well about sexism and expectations.
I do it too. 🙁 I need to be better.
But also, sometimes when people are overly apologetic about their opinions that bothers me too, and I’m not sure that’s any better.
As for Hilary (and Elizabeth Warren, ffs), I honestly barely recall ever hearing them talk, but somehow I had an opinion about each of them based on what other people said, and what they looked like. I noticed this a few months ago, and was repulsed at myself. I voted for Hilary anyway, but I am still horrified that I would let someone else essentially decide FOR me whether I should like a particular political candidate. For EM, our politics aren’t completely aligned and not sure I would have voted for her anyway, but EW was the ONLY candidate to present actual data for her policies, which seemed to alienate people ever more. The men could say whatever the hell they wanted, with no data and no evidence, and people would just accept what they said. It’s incredibly frustrating.
My mentor recommended “In a Different Voice” by Carol Gilligan to me, which is… really nerdy, but was helpful to me in understanding the ways in which, as a woman, people expect me to talk and lead. He was trying to help me be more palatable (I don’t know if it worked — haha). It’s an interesting read, and speaks to a lot of the points you made in this post.
Meant EW, not EM
My peer age group deeply reflects that idea that women need to be ‘gentle not forthright’, constantly ‘looking for agreement and being willing to compromise an opinion even before any negative response occurs’. I get told I ‘sound too decisive’ EVEN when I start with a request for other people to improve on my idea or explain/suggest a different direction.
What you are writing about is real.
Part is a long conditioned female need to get consensus so females are not punished by males; part is a belief, currently pushed by researcher about male female leadership roles, that women leaders are innately better than men at building consensus …. so both carrot and stick.
As women we need to acknowledge, to ourselves and then to others, that we support women being outspoken….. and ask others, male and female, why that upsets them.
It is another of those moments when I ask myself “What would it be like if I believed my listener would believe me when I state a fact instead of telling me my experience/information must be wrong.”
What if I was simply believed. (EG: my child had a medical problem, family members told me it was anxiety attack even though I had explicitly stated that ER and personal doctor had ruled that option out. )
What if I was believed and heard ~~ and people said: Wow, I didn’t know that, how did you learn that/come to think that. Because it would be a different world.
I am that woman professionally. Earlier in my career, people didn’t think I’d fit in or even thought I was “scary” simply because I was blunt and forthright. I was lucky enough at a certain point in my career to start working with people who initially thought that but still valued my skill enough to give me a shot and then become my advocate but so many times it’s been an Achilles heel. Luckily I had the great example of other “scary” blunt / forthright, smart, funny, caring women in my professional life and I really liked them so I didn’t mind the risk of coming across negatively when that would have been lauded in a man. And again, I was also lucky in picking up a strong advocate along the way. But the patriarchy mindfuck is too real.
Yup, I’ve consistently been told I’m too direct at work and that I need to write more pleases and thank yous and smiley faces in my correspondence. Um, nope. Not me. And you don’t give that feedback to my male coworkers.
Wow, a couple of books to add to my to-read list here. And I love love love this post!
I’ve seen this so many times over the years I’m the apologist and polite one and mediator. Partly that’s being a middle child and partly it is being taught what is appropriate for a girl. I have a niece who as a child was very strong-willed and stubborn, and tried to say to my parents that this was going to stand her in good stead as she grows up. (It has, much more so than her timid sister.) I wish I had been like that! As my confidence grew professionally, I was continually amazed that even by speaking out a little, stating my opinion etc, it was seen as different to when the men did it. I have a friend who has really suffered, because she is very direct. Okay, she’s achieved despite that, but much later than she would have otherwise. Yet her partner, who is an overconfident man, has never had to explain himself or had the battles with managers in the way my friend has. It infuriates me.
And all the pink and focus on fashion and social media etc for little girls shows it is still being perpetuated even now, which makes me incredibly mad and sad.
I really need to read this book! I have been hearing such good things about it. (I remember reading “In a Different Voice” years ago, when it first came out — and yeah, it was a bit of a slog to get through — very academic — despite the important things it had to say.)