Wednesday was a great day. I went to work in the morning to grab some stuff I needed. Driving to work always lifts my spirits, maybe because it’s a familiar set of actions that I miss dreadfully. Being in my classroom is always bitter sweet, as I miss that space more than I ever would have anticipated, but all in all, a trip to work feels good. I also got to miss the chaotic morning routine. Any time by myself is greatly appreciated these days.
At noon I had my martial arts class. This is the short, super intense workout that is more like a 30 Day Shred than a regular martial arts class. It gets my heart rate way up and keeps me strong.
High off the endorphins of that class, I went into the backyard and filled 10 bags with the stuff we had cleared on Sunday but couldn’t bag (because we were out of bags and Lowes was closed for Easter). We’re at a place where working in the backyard no longer makes me anxious, but I can only work back there if I can shower immediately afterward because something in that yard makes me break out in a rash. Wednesday was perfect because I had to shower anyway, and it was a beautiful day.
After I showered I took the kids to the Great Highway to ride bikes. The fog had rolled in, but we still had a great time. I’ve been trying to get them on their bikes since the shelter-in-place started and it felt good to finally do that. The Great Highway is the perfect place for them to ride; my goal is to ride there once a week while it’s closed to cars.
If you’re wondering how I did all of that on a work day, well, that is a fair question. I ended up working well past midnight that night to make up for all the time I’d lost during the day. I’m still not sure if the positives of doing all that during the day was worth how late I had to work, and how tired I was the next day. I’m struggling to determine if I feel the trade offs for the positives are worth how hard I get hit afterward.
Wednesday was such a good day, that I didn’t even get that upset when my principal called to give me some bad news. It wasn’t until I went to bed that I started to dwell on it, and things went swiftly downhill after that.
Next year I’ll be at the other middle school again. They missed the March 15 pink slip cut-off so the teacher must have left of her own accord. They aren’t trying to find someone new because we’re in a budget crisis (huge loss of earnings from programs that aren’t renting our facilities now, or over the summer). So next year I’ll be commuting between the campuses again. And honestly, it sounds like that is their plan long term.
The idea that I’ll be teaching at both middle schools again makes me deeply depressed.
I understand that next year will probably look VERY different than a normal school year. There is talk of staggered schedules, where kids only come on certain days, or where half the kids come in the morning and half come in the afternoons. I’m not upset about next year specifically (though it’s not fun to know I’ll be back in a situation I hate again). It’s the realization that this is most likely the situation forever that deeply depresses me. I finally got to a place where I am content at my job, and I didn’t think about leaving anymore. It took me YEARS of hard work to get to that place. And this past year I was pretty happy. And now I’m learning that my position will be at two campuses in perpetuity, and I know I can’t manage that in the long term. Commuting between campuses, sharing a classroom at one school, reconciling the schedules when they change, it totally depletes me. I don’t feel like I belong to either community when I’m traveling between them. It makes me miserable at my job.
I can do it for a year. I can’t do it forever. So Wednesday I was effectively told that I will need to find a new job. And the idea of that makes me so, so sad.
I know there are a lot of unknowns here, but I also see the writing on the wall. And yes, I recognize how incredibly lucky I am that I haven’t lost my job already. One of the reasons I stayed in my job was for the security that I’m now so grateful for. It’s knowing that I have to give that up eventually – or be miserable – that is making me so depressed. But yes, I get that I am incredibly lucky that I’m not out of a job right now.
Thursday was a hard day for me. I felt awful. I cried constantly. It felt like I’d spent all my serotonin the day before and now I was nursing an emotional hangover. In the afternoon I got my period and was so relieved to know that the feeling of dread that had settled was at least partly due to shifting hormones. It’s Saturday and the feeling hasn’t really lifted. I hope it gets better soon.
I’m trying focus on the here and now. There isn’t really anything else to focus on. I can’t distract myself with summer plans (Camp Mather was officially cancelled, which has me coming to terms with the cancellation of everything else this summer). There is just right now. Except that right now I’m always working, I’m always tired, I’m always stressed and frustrated, and sad. Right now is hard. But it’s all I have. So I guess I just got to open up to this pain, instead of running away. I guess that is the goal right now.
I am so very sorry. And impressed because you own the privilege and your feelings both at the same time. HARD to do.
Look at whole thing as one year for now. Do not try to guess the future because there are always too many un-knowns there. Goodness I celebrated for you when you got to go back to your classroom … SO SAD that was short lived. Staying employed for next two years at least is really important. Glad that is possible for you.
Keep breathing, keep staying safe.
Please keep writing through this whole long thing; you make a huge difference.
That is really hard to get that news. I think this situation though, and the through flexibility we’ve all had to give each other – we’re seeing that things don’t have to be done they way they always have been done. Maybe there’s an opportunity to discuss changing the approach to double schooling? Can they do some sort of block scheduling, so you are at one school for 2 full days and then the other for 2? I think there are more creative ways that the school can solve this problem.
This sucks. I’m sorry.
I can somewhat relate—after years of being unsatisfied that I’m not working in my desired sub field that I changed careers for, and dealing with shenanigans at work, a couple years ago I had an epiphany and decided I could hold out x years until (earlyish) retirement, then go do what I want. Then we had big changes in management and structure over the past year or so and things have been on edge and stressful. x years suddenly seemed like 10x. But then covid19 came and I’m grateful for my seniority and that I have an essential job I can do remotely.
Strange and stressful times.
Also, I can’t see how constantly traveling between two schools could be a good thing before a vaccine…yikes.
And I’m wondering what staggered schools will look like, especially for those of us whose kids are there all day, attending the after school program. Which uses some of the school facilities which would be occupied by shifts all day. ???? I’ve decided for me it’s better to keep my expectations low. I’m not counting on schools opening back up in August.
Oh no I’m sorry. I know how hard it was going between the two schools was for you…and now to be told that you will be doing it indefinitely? 🙁 I agree with working mom of 2- how is this a good idea with COVID? I would try to push back on that if at all possible.