So I realized something yesterday: I am really, really, REALLY anxious about the fall. Like I am overwhelmed by my anxiety about it. My desire to exert some control over a seemingly never ending parade of unknowns absolutely fueled my willingness to FINALLY get my house in order. It’s pushing me into my classroom three weeks before we start school. It’s compelling me to read every article published about the hyper-transmissible delta variant and its affects on children, and the possibility of breakthrough cases. It’s urging me to buy ALL THE MASKS that are on sale now, along with other back-to-school supplies we don’t need yet. It’s just there, driving basically every thought and action. I’m drowning in it.
The fact that I didn’t recognize that I was drawing from a deep well of anxiety about the fall in basically everything I was doing is… dispiriting. I’m going to need to be more aware, and honest with myself if I’m going to get through the next six months.
It’s understandable that I’m anxious about the school year. There are a lot of unknowns. My kids are starting at new schools where we aren’t familiar with the staffs or campuses or communities. That alone is a massive anxiety trigger for me – I’ve been at the same school for 18 years and my daughter was at her elementary school for six, and I was a really active parent there. Now both kids are going to schools that we don’t know anything about, and they are starting in a year where nothing is familiar to even the long time members of the community. Oh, and there is also a hyper transmissible virus lurking every where.
I’ve been teaching for almost two decades and I have no idea what next year will look like and it’s terrifying to me. I haven’t taught in my classroom since March 13, 2020. I don’t know what it’s like to try to make myself intelligible to 30+ students with a mask on. I don’t know how to teach Spanish with half my face covered, when it’s well accepted that seeing a speaker’s mouth is essential to language learning. I didn’t get to practice in person learning last spring when most of my colleagues did. I don’t know what I’m doing. It feels like I’m at the top of a hill in a go cart that’s glued together and someone’s about to push me down. It seems inevitable that I’m going to crash and burn.
My daughter is home sick again today, which is a reminder that they will probably both be home sick, on and off, all fall and into the winter. My husband has a lot more flexibility to stay home, but he is supposed to return to the office 2-3 days of the week starting in mid-September. How are we going to manage all these sick days? Our district never has enough subs in a normal year, they are sure to be very short next year when absences will be more common. How am I going to manage that?
I thought the fall was going to be better. I thought it was going to be easier. I thought we were coming out of the hard. But I’m realizing now that we’re not. The fall is going to be HARD. Really hard. Maybe even harder. I do think it will be better – ultimately I think my kids and I will be better off in our classrooms, despite all the complications being there will inevitably create – but I’m realizing that better doesn’t also mean easier. I thought things would be better BECAUSE they were easier, but I’m realizing they will be better DESPITE being harder. And I’m so tapped out from the past year and a half that I have no reserves to draw on. The summer has helped tremendously, but it’s can’t provide an endless wellspring to draw from. So I’m about to go into some more hard, when I’ve already been through a lot of hard. And I’m not sure how to do that.
And I will admit, I’m also not sure how to reconcile the apparent 180* we’re in the midst of maneuvering with respect to our risk tolerance around our kids getting Covid. We kept them so sheltered during the pandemic, only allowing them to socialize with a small, select group outside with masks on. And now, when they are three times more susceptible to getting sick, we’re fine with them sitting in classrooms with 20+ other kids we know nothing about. It’s like my brain short circuits when I think about it. It simply does not compute. I am especially confused by my husband’s attitude about it. He has been my touchstone on all this for the past year and a half, and now I don’t recognize his attitude at all. I can’t figure out where his head is at about any of it, and it’s incredibly disorienting, and it’s making all the uncertainty even harder. My touchstone is gone and I feel lost and alone.
I feel like I wasn’t that concerned about my kids getting Covid, but I had to foster a certain fear of it to make all the restrictions seem reasonable, and now I’m just supposed to jettison that fear because the benefits of in person learning outweigh (for my kids at least) the risks of the virus. And I do believe the trade off is worthwhile (again for my family, in our specific situation), but now that I’ve fostered this fear, and made all the restrictions seem reasonable, and I’m not sure how to dampen feelings of panic that all this exposure at school inspires.
So that is where I’m at. It’s actually a relief to recognize that all these seemingly disparate freakouts where just offshoots of the same plant of school-starting-panic. The roots of this plant grow strong, and deep and I’m sure I cannot rid myself of them completely. At this point I think I just need to trim the offshoots, keep the overgrowth manageable until later in the year, when I’ve gotten my bearings enough to do the hard work of digging it out. Hopefully by then the roots will be weaker and have less of a hold on me. In the meantime I need to give myself a lot of grace in the weeks leading up to the start of school. I’m going to stop reading the news. I’m going to stop working after 10pm. I’m going to run when the sun is out. I’m going to watch movies with my kids. I know I can get through this – one day at a time. I know I can find the light on the other side.
((HUGS)) You’ve got this, mama. Lots of unknowns, but no use worrying about things we can’t control. I like your plan to help manage your anxiety about it all!
Thanks friend. I always value your support.
There’s a lot here and all the unknowns are certainly stressful. Just wanted to mention that there are lots of options for transparent masks that could be helpful to you in the classroom. My son and his classmates wore them in a school play last year so that the audience could see their faces/mouths, they worked well. Hope this helps alleviate at least some of your worries. You got this!
Ohhh, transparent masks! I had not heard of those but after reading your comment I found some. Thanks so much! They will definitely help.
fully get it. This has been a HARD year and it just sucks. I think many are at the end of their ropes. Also sending hugs.
Thanks. I guess I didn’t realize how much I was banking on things feeling easier. Maybe now that I can accept they won’t be easier I can start being proactive about how to make things more manageable.
I think you are really on to something here. It’s definitely getting better but it’s not really getting that much easier. At least not back to what we had before which wasn’t exactly easy either!
About the risk for kids, I am sure you know this but the draconian measures last year were never about the risk to kids. Not really. It was about teachers and vulnerable adults from being infected by virus brought home by kids. But even that was the wrong decision in my opinion!
So yes now the risk is higher for kids but it’s still acceptably low in my opinion. And now most vulnerable adults have the chance to be protected by the vaccine. All of this has just really emphasized to me that the decision makers in our county were never focused on what was best for kids but at least now are being forced to not suck quite so badly.
I keep reminding myself that – that the fear was always more about students bringing it home to older family members, and less about them actually getting it. But our family had a lot of rules that felt more (to me at least) about protecting our own kids and I’m really struggling with reconciling the fear that instilled in me with our new attitudes about things. My husband and I need to actually sit down and talk about it. So far he hasn’t been willing to do that. Hopefully soon.
Can you just call your pediatrician and try and get a reality check from them if you are really struggling? I hate the idea that we have all become medical experts who can evaluate the constantly changing landscape of this virus on a individual level. Remember that at some level this is like any other disease and any other risk your kids will encounter and you are not alone in trying to figure this out. I hope you get some peace about your kids risks- there is little we can do about the craziness of how the school system will deal with it all so that is enough to deal with from my perspective
That is a really good idea. She is unfortunately on maternity leave but I’m sure whoever is taking over for her will be able to answer my questions. I will look into that ASAP. Thanks for the advice.
Good masks on the children will help AND they are in a state & district where everyone WILL be wearing masks. Fingers crossed this year, like last, the masks continue to limit colds and simple flus so those cause less illness.
Glad someone suggested transparent masks. AND YOU FOUND THEM!!!
Your husband must be super discouraged also as I expect he had been anticipating a far greater return to normal when SFPD reopened than it looks like he will get. And, as he has done repeatedly in this pandemic time, he will rise and support his children. He does love them.
Ultimately if you cannot be at the school and they are sort of subs the administration will HAVE to figure out a solution.
For the record, my anxiety is high too …. I view it as a frog looking for a lilypad to jump on, and everytime I get hyper about a situation I remind myself ‘the frog found a new lilypad’. Naming that is happening helps me cope more appropriately than when I just have hysterics and panic.
It is clearly an impossible situation from where we sit now. BUT SO WAS LAST YEAR AND YOU MADE IT THROUGH. You will manage again and so will even I.
Sending support, encouragement, faith in you and your family…… and so much appreciation for your normalizing my reactions!
Thank you, as always, for your care and support. Just having figured out what is going on in my head has made it so much easier to manage.
Reading an interview done today wwith Dr. A. Jha, Brown University, quite connected to what is happening. Here is direct Quote:
JHA: Yeah, kids, I’m going to make some guesses. And these really are guesses. Five to 11 year olds. So obviously 12 and over right now can get vaccinated. Five to 11 year olds by the end of August, maybe middle of September, somewhere in that range, we’ll certainly have data. And then FDA will hopefully act reasonably quickly. So sometime in the early part of fall, let us say, that that’ll start happening. Kids five to 11 will start getting vaccinated.
Zero to four, I don’t know, it’s a different group. There are a very specific set of issues on the — And it wouldn’t be zero, it’d be six months to four years. And it’s a pretty small group and also they’re really low, low risk. So that may take more time, but I think five to — And by the way, they’re also pre-school age. So it doesn’t have any impact on schools. Therefore it doesn’t have impact on the ability of women and men to go back to work. So it doesn’t have the same labor market effects.
So I think in general, it’s the five to 11 crowd that we got to get vaccinated next. And I see that happening by early fall.
Quote ended. I think 6m-4 yrs still has MAJOR child care implications for employment and he is wrong on that point. I was VERY SURPRISED he thinks the 5-11 age group will be getting vaccinated BEFORE mid-winter. FINGERS CROSSED. SO use this with lots of salt and not total faith and hope hanging on it for the fall school year for your children. Only a spark of hope.
Here is the direct link: https://conversationswithbillkristol.org/transcript/ashish-jha-iii-transcript/
Support to all of us!