Where I am

I have not been participating in this community in the ways that I want to. I want to be commenting more. I want my presence on friends’ blogs to be felt, and I know it’s not when my words are missing. The blog reader/commenter I am currently is not the blog reader/commenter I want to be, and I’m brainstorming ways to  make sure I comment every day–it’s a top priority for me right now.

I am sorry have been absent. I am still reading, and my words will return soon.

I was a little disappointed in myself for my last two posts. I have wanted to avoid that kind of ranty, venty type of writing in this space and I’m trying hard not to publish when I’m feeling that kind of overwhelmed desperation. I’m still let myself write about those kinds of things, but I’m convincing myself to do it in a journal, to keep my words away from this space until they can be more productive. I don’t know quite what came over me when I put up those posts.

Actually I do know. It was panic. The state of my house, and my life, has been weighing on me and I was struck but how I am perpetually in this place of frantically treading water in a terrifyingly strong current. It is no way to lives one’s life, and yet I’m not sure how to swim out of the current. I guess I keep expecting the water to slow, or even eddy in a quiet pool, but clearly that is never going to happen and I am recognizing that I have a responsibility to myself and my family to change directions and swim with all my might to the shore, or else I’ll eventually get pulled under.

So I sat down and I wrote. Like I used to. And the words came, fast and easy. And it felt good to get it out there.

But it didn’t necessarily feel good the next morning, when I realized my words were actually, out there.

Writing here has been hard–harder than I expected it to be. I struggle with what topics to tackle and how to approach them. I struggle with finding the right words.

I might not ever be the writer I want to become. I read articles that are so well written, that make me think and want to comment, that change my perspective or feel validate and understood and I think, I am not sure I could ever write that well. It’s an uncertainty I’m not accustomed to, not because I assume I can do whatever I want as well as I hope to do it, but because I have never pushed myself to achieve such a nebulous goal.

The big things I’ve tried to accomplish had definitive endings: I knew when I had arrived at my destination. I trained for a marathon and then I ran one. I applied for a graduate school program and earned my Masters in Spanish Language Education (while working full time, managing the emotional turmoil of TTC and an ectopic pregnancy and then having my first child). Those goals were clear and I had physical proof that I met them. But this goal of becoming a better writer, it’s ambiguous and undefined. It’s subjective.

It’s a matter of opinion.

And whose opinion matters most?

It probably should be mine, but human beings are social creatures and we all know it’s more complicated than that. I’m just not sure. I can’t really imagine that I’ll ever feel like I’m as good a writer as I want to be, or as a good a writer as I feel I need to be to start using my words in more ways than this one.

Moving to this blog and the personal change it represented for me has been so much more complicated than I expected. I don’t regret doing it, because I know something had to change, but I’m disappointed that it hasn’t been a more positive experience for me. (And please know this is all internal, and has nothing to do with anyone’s participation here. You have all been amazing and I am thankful that you read and comment each and every day).

I miss writing more. I miss the words flowing like they used to. I miss processing life through my words. I miss writing just to write.

I miss knowing who I am in my own space.

Heck, I miss knowing who I am, period.

Change is hard. It will get better. I’m try not to get disillusioned and most of the time I succeed.

Most of the time.

6 Comments

  1. I was just thinking about how I miss reading your posts, both the style and frequency of the old blog! But I know what you mean about it being “out there”. I don’t know what to do about the ambiguous goal of becoming a better writer, though, or what to do with this blog. There’s a part of me that says “well, you need to make the goal more specific”, but then I realize I have no idea how you could do that. Maybe start with a goal to write x number of times a week? I don’t know, and I hope others have some better ideas for you.

  2. “I was a little disappointed in myself for my last two posts. I have wanted to avoid that kind of ranty, venty type of writing in this space…” Oh, how I hate that you feel this way because the last few posts have been so much more relateable to me (and, I surmise, others too just based on the number of comments you’ve received). You know I think you’re an excellent writer, but I do not connect with your “good” (e.g., “formal”) posts – I like this you, the real you instead of the you you’re trying to be in this space. Obviously this is your space to do with what you will, but please know that there are many of us who actually prefer the venty posts. 🙂

  3. I think I am unclear what you want to be writing about in this blog. I have seen you as reflecting the human experience of life as lived by one woman today. I have thought your audience was women primarily who are looking for , I am sure I shall use the wrong words but please understand, community and universal experiences in first world women’s lives.
    You absolutely reach across simple age differences, and racial/cultural/national differences … and reading the comments makes me feel you are powerfully successful.

    I thought you were trying to step away from being as centered on infertility and to broader realities of female ….sort of starting from the pinhole of one woman and seeing the expanse of the female experience.

    So I feel I have failed to understand your objectives and that is why I fail to understand why you think you are not achieving what you want achieved. Given what I thought you were doing I found you amazing and look daily to your postings.

    1. I agree with this comment 100%. I didn’t realize there was a goal other than moving past the infertility since your family is complete. I enjoy your posts.

      1. I agree completely with this. I admit I was also not clear about why you abandoned your old space & started this one (and abandoned your name & chose this one—can you explain about the name please? I’m really curious the meaning—I got the meaning of your old name, and still think of you that way!). I, too, relate to a lot of what you write, and that’s what keeps me coming back to your blog. I do get that you want to practice “the craft” of writing, but a good mix of “crafty” and “real REAL” posts seems best to me, I’d miss these here-where-I-am type posts if you gave them up!

  4. I’ve really liked your writing here, but I don’t think you need to draw strict lines about what should be here. In my own space, I write posts that are meant to be funny, thoughtful, ranty, informative, or just catch-up-on-my-life. Heck, even The Bloggess intersperses her quirky and taxidermy-related posts with some very serious ones. I guess what I’m saying is don’t let what you want this space to be as a whole stifle your voice in a post.

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