45

I turn 45 today. 45 feels like a big number. Not sure why. It just feels heavy for some reason, rolling around in my head.

I’m not sad to be turning 45. And I don’t feel old, exactly. Though… when I turned 40 I felt strong, physically. I felt like I still had some of my strongest, most (physically) productive years in front of me. And this was during a global pandemic! But in the past five years I hurt my knee, walked the gauntlet of perimenopause and was diagnosed with a auto-immune disease. It has been humbling, and I no longer expect to “feel good” in the future. I am more determined than ever to work to be strong, but I no longer feel that strength and physical ability are guaranteed. What a charmed life I led that it took until the past few years for me to be humbled by my own body.

Having said all that, right now I do feel strong. And capable. My body is able to do things it hasn’t always been able to do. I’m taking medicine to manage my thyroid issues, and with that under control I can work hard to build muscle and stamina. It feels good to see the results that were, for so many month, inaccessible (for reasons I didn’t understand). It feels good to have a semblance of control, even though I know it’s a facade that can be whisked away at any moment.

The MHT is also helping, I think. I feel… calm? Smooth? It’s almost like an anxious energy has been quieted. It’s hard to describe. An example… when I look around and see a mess or a chore that needs to be done, I think, ah I should do that, but there isn’t the jolt of stress that used to accompany a thought like that. There isn’t the clanging alarm of the obligation, it’s just there and then I get it done and it feels good to accomplish it, and my mind doesn’t automatically start searching for another thing to tackle. It’s like the sharp edges have been rubbed smooth. The weigh of life is still significant, but it’s not cutting into me anymore.

It could just be summer break, but I’ve been on a lot of summer breaks and don’t remember feeling like this.

Maybe it’s the sleep! Which of course I’m getting because of the MHT. The sleep could totally be it.

It could be something else, unrelated to the hormone therapy. But I can’t point to anything else so obvious. I really don’t know. I guess we’ll see when school starts again.

Of course, one reason it isn’t so hard to turn 45, is everything I have in my life. I still have my parents. I have my friends. I just spent some wonderful weeks with my extended family. And of course, I have my own family, the kids I wanted so much. Tonight we’re making popcorn and watching Ready Player One, which we finished listening to on our trip. (Yes, we know the movie isn’t very good.) Sharing books and movies is one of the reasons I was always able to articulate for why I wanted to have kids, and today, on my birthday, I get to do just that. My life is full and I am so grateful for everything I have.

My husband and kids each had a card for me this morning and that is all I have ever wanted on my birthday and it made me so happy. This day has made me feel a lot of conflicted emotions before, but this year I just feel… content.

I know, especially after reading so much about the horrible flooding in Texas, that this life could be gone in an instant. I am aware that the second half of my life, which I’m almost surely entering (if not already several years into) will be defined by goodbyes more than anything. Knowing that doesn’t make today bittersweet, so much as it makes me even more grateful for what I have right now, which is so much.

Anyway, just a quick post to say that I turned 45 today. And life is good.