My closest college friend came to town last night to spend the holidays with her family. She also hoped to say goodbye to her cousin who had been battling liver failure. But last night, only hours after my friend touched down, her cousin died, leaving two young children without their mother. Now my friends’ family will be navigating this horrible grief during the holidays. I suppose they will also be planning her service.
I want to be their for my friend in a meaningful way. I have nothing to do for the next ten days and my parents are around to support me so I can support my friend and her family, but I’m not sure what to do. Obviously I will bring a meal, but surely there is more I could do. I already offered to take my friend’s two young kids so she could have some time, and now she might actually need that to attend services, but I’m worried she won’t ask for what she needs and I’m not sure how to offer my support.
Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can support my friend and her family during this horrible nightmare? I feel so powerless to help them, but I really want to be there for my friend. Should I just lay low and be ready to help if she asks me? Should I offer once and not again, or keep offering? I don’t know what to do.
Offering to take her kids is so nice. I think that’s a great idea and will really help her. Also, remember that her grief won’t evaporate after this week so continue to check in with how she’s feeling in the months ahead.
Yes, absolutely I’ll keep checking in. I just want to help now when she’s actually here because later she”lol be far away. But I also know she has family to navigate and it will be overwhelming and complicated. The next 10 days are going to be so hard for her. It breaks my heart.
Tell her you want to support her through this time period. Mention the things you have thought of, be precise in naming days, functions. Say that her actual needs may vary and be different from what you thought of, and to please check in with you as things develop if/as help is needed. Be clear how much time/notice you need to help because sometimes people hit last minute and then feel wrong asking. Ask about texting her to check in. Some people want hand holding, some want child care, some want cooking, some want cleaning help, some need quiet, some need to take a walk with or without children, everyone is different.
I am very sorry about the loss. Glad you are able to offer support.
Definitely keep offering. Grief is….tricky. And often people have trouble asking for help or even knowing WHAT they need help with so I think giving some of the suggestions you did here and saying something like would any of this help or is there something else? Let her know you mean it. You’re so kind to do this for her and it won’t be forgotten.
After the new year when you head back to work and all chaos repeats … send small texts of caring irregularly but with consistency. Grief is weird and hits at strange minutes; love, presence, and kindness really help.
You might also check to see if she would like you to get her or her kids clothes for the service. I second what the other commenters said about checking in and making specific offers.