Is it insane for me to just jump back in with some thoughts on my last post, which went up over a week ago? Probably, but I’m going to do it anyway.
First of all, please know that I am NOT making any kind of fancy dinner. Whatever easy dinner you’re thinking in your head I should make, I’m already making that. Or something even simpler. The kitchen is not my forte, so even simple things are a little stressful for me to execute…
The Tuesday after that post ended up being pretty low key. I specifically didn’t push myself to go to the dojo, and instead stayed home. I didn’t even workout (I moved it to Wednesday). And I realized when I went to bed, that being much less rushed, and staying home instead of spending a few hours at the dojo, didn’t make me feel a lot better at the end of the day. I was still tired and worn out, I just had a lot less to point to when I looked to explain why I felt that way.
I’m not saying that means I should embrace the schedules that provide no room for error and leave me gasping for breath at the end of the day. But I need to remember that an evening at home, with my kids and my husband, is still exhausting even when I’m not playing time Tetris.
Tonight (Monday) my husband comes home from a four day, three night trip to Philadelphia. He was at an experimental music festival. Just for shits and giggles. He went by himself and saw hours and hours of experimental music in weird cave tunnels. I just can’t fathom wanting to do that. It’s so funny how someone you know and love can enjoy something that you would absolutely NOT want to do. Like ever.
I have to admit, it’s kind of nice when my husband is away. The best thing is, I know exactly what to expect, at least on the home front. I don’t have to wonder if anything is going to get done by anyone else but myself. It means I do more work, but also that I’m never disappointed or resentful that I have to do it. It’s easier to plan meals when my husband is not here, especially for myself. It’s a lot easier to go to bed and wake up, and to sleep, since he snores really loudly! I kind of love sleeping alone, I’d have to go a lot of days before I’d miss my husband in my bed. (Is this a very bad thing to admit? I don’t know if I’d realized it before, but it’s true). I had two work mornings where I could just turn on the light instead of fumbling around with my phone, and I reveled in them! It was also lovely to fall asleep to my sound machine masking silence and not snoring.
Of course my in-laws came and helped the 11yo get to school on time. I thought he would say he could manage himself, but he requested their presence. I think it was probably more for the ride to school than anything else… Mornings are definitely the time when the husband’s presence is most appreciated.
The husband and I have been pretty disconnected these past few weeks. The start of the school year has been stressful and he’s been in a (self expressed) funky mood. That definitely made his absence a little sweeter.
The best part of him being gone this past weekend, is that I got NO sulking when I came back from my trip two weeks ago because he knew he’d be gone the exact same amount of time. I REALLY appreciated that. I am so rarely gone, but when I am, he handles it pretty poorly. And it makes me crazy because even though he doesn’t travel much, he travels exponentially more than I do. So yeah. It was nice that our trips were close enough for him to keep any feelings of overwhelm to himself.
He’s also going to be gone for a week in October, and I’m kind of looking forward to it! Although that trip is right before the 11yo’s birthday, so it will be more stressful.
The weekend was full, for me, in a way that reminded me that I can’t do too much in just two days or I start to shut down. Everything I did was sans-kids too, so you’d think it would be energizing, but I was still exhausted come Sunday evening. My extrovertedness is so much less pronounced these days.
The 11yo came home sick again today. He threw up at school, then seemed pretty much fine when he got home. This is the second time this has happened this school year. Last night he had a meltdown, crying that he hated school and homework and was too busy with something every day of the week. It’s hard not to connect those two events, and assume he made himself sick today (not necessarily consciously, it totally could have been anxiety or a subconscious mechanism).
I REALLY hope this doesn’t become a recurring thing. I have a friend whose been managing her child’s severe school avoidance for years. They even went to a three week day-program for it! School aversion is so hard to treat, and I know I would handle it very badly. I was never really allowed to miss school for even physical sickness (I had perfect attendance for SIX YEARS), the idea of taking a mental health day off from school was not even fathomable. Like I couldn’t have conceived of it if you told me people did it, I’d have been so confused. ANYWAY, I’m spiraling right now – two instances does not a recurring problem make – but I can definitely feel myself holding my figurative breath, wondering when it’s going to happen again…
I started to write some stuff about work, but I think it will be best to just shut this post down here. I’ll try to write more later this week… I’m really struggling to find times when I have both the space in my schedule and the brain power to articulate thoughts… But this week seems a little lighter than last week. I’ve been to both my kids’ Back to School Nights, and the 11yo only has one baseball game this week. Maybe I can make another post happen! (No promises though. 😉
If it makes you feel any better, I love when my husband travels. Even though he does a lot to help with the kids, it still somehow seems easier when he’s gone, and I LOVE sleeping alone. That said, I fully acknowledge I likely love it because it’s different (grass is greener and whatnot) and I would miss him tons if it were more than an occasional thing.
An easy dinner with kids of double digit age: be sure they know where the PButter, bread, jelly or mayo or honey are. Or how to find the ‘mac ‘n cheese’ box, tuna, and frozen peas. Cheese sandwiches work too for learning cooks. (I, unfortunately, have known 6 year olds who could, and had to, rustle up food and bottles for their younger siblings.)
By high school teens can do real meals (baked chicken, baked potatoes or rice, fresh veggies cooked, and salad with homemade dressing). Then, post-high-school, they are prepared and do not need weekly deliveries of meals from their family elders. They also need to learn to make a list of what is needed and shop for food. Picking a good tomato takes knowledge.
Take the stress of you and your spouse one or two days of the week! Really it helps. A GOOD COOK KNOWS HOW TO CLEAN UP AFTER THEMSELF. Boys can cook and clean too, just like your husband does.
Have a group meeting and all 4 of you talk about independent life skills.
My kids were so glad they knew how and were competent before college. No use of same sponge to clean dishes and rat droppings on the floor! It is amazing how some people have not yet learned BASIC LIVING SKILLS.
Sorry to add to the horrible long list of things on top of everything you are already doing. But it is not kind to not ensure they can and are doing these things. Yes, you are living in chaos and overload and do more already than is reasonable. You are SO busy!!!!!!
But it does help and people like independence and being important to the family by taking on vital responsibilities.
HOPE son quits getting sick and school-phobia is not looming. Anxiety is, as you know, so hard to deal with.
Very sincere best wishes!
I’m reminded by your post of a couple of years ago when my husband had COVID. He didn’t want to pass it on, so he slept downstairs on the sofa. I had my quiet room to myself and I slept SO WELL. I think I didn’t even move. But then I think about my own sleep now, and I am woken by whatever, not just snoring. And I snore too. Probably best to have separate rooms, but we are 3 people in a 2 bedroom townhome.
Yes- I always enjoy it when my husband travels! As a matter of fact I sometimes wonder if we’d be happier if he had a job where he traveled frequently for work- as it is, he doesn’t travel much. I agree with you that everything is just more simple with one adult in charge, AND there’s no need to be resentful about doing all the work. And- it is hard to share a bed with another person. We have a king bed and each use our own covers, which helps a LOT. But he also snores. I usually have to nudge him a couple times a night to switch positions.
Hope your son is able to settle in. I have a lot of problems with my daughter, but school avoidance isn’t one of them and I’m very grateful for that. It’s a tough thing to deal with.
I made have been way out of place. I was a single mom. Life is different that way for everyone involved. I could never have managed working 65- 80 hours a week and raising wonderful kids if they had not pitched in and helped.
Your situation is quite different. I never intended to single mom it, but things happen and kids understood fully. I also fostered so knew kids that way who had HAD to provide food for siblings.. My experience and kids are quite different from what your situation is. I am sorry if I sounded like a rant.