Not a Wasted Word

{I started this post yesterday, with the intention of posting it yesterday morning, but then life got in the way.}

I took the day off today to set up the book fair at my daughter’s school. We can’t actually get access to the room until 2pm, but we have a staff meeting today, which means I wouldn’t have been available to set up the book fair until after 6pm, unless I missed the meeting, which would have cost me 1.5 hours. But here’s the thing, if you are absent on the day of a staff meeting, you lose 7.5 hours (the contracted school day) and not 9 hours (the contracted staff day plus the staff meeting). So I figured I’d just take the day and try to get out from under a massive pile of paperwork I hadn’t graded or entered.

{Of course, planning for a sub took me over three hours. With my insane schedule I had to write very detailed notes to make sure everything went okay. I even included a map so he could find all my classrooms. I hope he made it to the other campus okay.}

This weekend, which was busy but nice, I found myself building up the list of things I expected to get accomplished during my “day off.” I’ve written before that I tend to create impossible goals for days off, and then feel disappointed when the day is over over and I haven’t gotten nearly as much done as I’d wanted. This time I recognized what I was doing quickly enough to scale my expectations way back. All I hoped to do today was grade all my papers, create a handout I need for tomorrow, and workout. I also hoped to do two of three online safety trainings that I am required to complete before mid-October (while grading papers and/or working out). I am playing the blood borne pathogens presentation while I write this. I’ve heard it before twice, so I’m hoping I remember the answers well enough without really listening. I’ll let you know how it goes.

{Right after I wrote that I remembered I had to use exercise time to send reminders to the Book Fair volunteers. Which I did.}

Now it’s 10pm. I’m listening to the Mandated Reporter of Child Abuse training (I’ve gotten 100% on the Blood Borne Pathogens AND Sexual Harassment quizzes!) and creating that handout I wanted to get done.

And the handout is done! Woot!

And I passed the Mandated Reporter training. Ugh, that was super depressing, but I’m relieved to get those out of the way. They’ve been stressing me out for a while now.

I also got all the papers graded, though they are not yet entered online.

We got the book fair set up in three hours, which wasn’t too bad. I was picking up my kids at the same time as I would have been if I’d gone to work and stayed for the staff meeting. I’m so glad I got to miss the staff meeting – they are almost always a total waste of time.

Tomorrow my husband leaves for five days. It’s bad timing with the book fair, but my in-laws are stepping in to help, for which I’m very grateful. They have been spending 7-10 days in Texas EVERY MONTH, so I’ve gotten more used to making things work without them, and I’m much more grateful of the help they give when they are around.

Things at work are still really stressful, but I’m falling into a routine. It’s a rushed, chaotic routine, but a routine nonetheless.

I actually have a “things I’m loving right now” post in the drafts folder of my brain that I hope to post soon, because there are some things I’m really loving these days. I guess I’m mentioning it here to hold myself accountable.

Now it’s late so I should head to bed. I’m super tired and I’m working hard to get more sleep every night. I know I need it with these crazy busy days.

I hope you’re all doing well.

Some random thoughts on a Thursday.

~ Finally, after five straight days of stifling weather, it’s below 80 in my house again. In fact, the coconut oil solidified – it must be in the low to mid-70’s! For three days it was between 90 and 95 degrees IN OUR HOUSE, which is above the garage and tenant’s unit, so technically “upstairs.” We spent a lot of time in front of our two fans, and hanging out in our tiny entryway, which was WAY cooler. Oh, and taking cold showers (such a fan of those now). But today the temps finally dropped for real. I’m working out right now, and adoring the cool breeze. It’s been so long since I felt that tingle against my skin.

After that insane heat wave, I can’t wait for fall to officially arrive. Too bad September AND October are the Bay Area’s warmest months.

~ We decided we’re taking our kids to Disneyland over the long weekend in October. I’d rather go when it will be less crowded, but it’s too hard to miss three days of school, and I don’t want to take my daughter out for that long either. So we’re driving down on Sunday, hoping Monday at California Adventure isn’t too bad, and hitting up Disneyland on Tuesday. Then we drive back Wednesday. This is all for our son’s birthday, which is later in the month.

I took my daughter to Disneyland when she turned four but it was a much cheaper trip. Just she and I went and we stayed with a friend in LA on the way down so we only had to sleep two nights in motels. Now there are four of us that need tickets (god they cost so much!) and three nights in a motel since none of my LA friends can accommodate our whole family. I know we are so fortunate to be able to go, but the cost is still stressing me out. Hilariously, I really wanted to splurge on the Disneyland Hotel, but it turns out it costs almost as much to stay there for one night as four tickets to get into the parks, so the Holiday Inn it is. I’m disappointed, mostly because we stayed at that hotel when I was younger and I remember how awesome it was to this day; I’d love to give that to my kids. But alas, we don’t have the money and I know they will be so excited to go to the parks, so I’m focusing on that (and the fact that we can drive, which saves us a ton). How do families that have to fly afford to do this kind of stuff?

~ Speaking of money, I am realizing that I have a renewed desire to change my relationship with the green stuff and am trying hard to capitalize (ha!) on the momentum. I was thinking the other day how miserable I was during the years when my life was taken over by compulsive eating, how dark and long that tunneled seemed and how desperate I was to get out. And now I am and life is SO MUCH BETTER. If I could similarly redefine my relationship with money I’d be a much happier person, I know this. I’m hoping this time I may be in the right mindset to make real changes, because I’m no longer trying to spend less or adhere to a set of (basically) arbitrary rules, but instead want to commit myself to forever altering the way I interact with money. We shall see how it goes.

~ There are four people in my social orbit how are expecting their second children, and in interacting with them, I’m realizing I still have complicated feelings about pregnancy. The weirdest thing? Most of it doesn’t have all that much to do with my own experience. Pregnancy still makes me, more than anything else, extremely anxious. I’m always worried the worst will happen. I believe this is due to spending the first six years of my life watching my parents lose a child and then suffer three still births. I don’t think any of it was spoken of much, but I had to know it was happening and it all left an indelible mark on my psyche, one that defined my own pregnancies and defines the way I feel about other people’s as well. Of course I never say anything to anybody about my fears – I’m not that damaged – but my anxiety, along with my history surrounding pregnancy, just makes me feel like a real weirdo when it comes to people expecting. Mostly I just want them to be done with the pregnancy part, and fast, and I know that’s not how I should feel. Blerg. I guess I was hoping my ambivalence surrounding the topic would fade as I got farther away from my own family building experience, but no, it’s still going strong. So frustrating.

~ Speaking of pregnancy’s lingering effects, I saw the pelvic pain specialist for the first time in a couple of years, and evidently if a treatment of topical estrogen and steroids doesn’t heal the skin that STILL tears open (after SEVEN YEARS) every time I do you know what, I’ll be getting surgery over the winter break. How cutting the scarred tissue out and sewing what’s left together will resolve existing scar tissue that won’t fully heal I don’t yet understand (and she seems very reluctant to do it, so maybe it has a high probability of not working). I’m sure I can decline the surgery, and might, but if this doesn’t work, it will suck to know that I’ll create an open wound every time I enjoy intercourse. I declined the surgery to correct my prolapse because it doesn’t bother me much on a daily basis, and is only a big problem when I’m having my period and want to swim (because I can’t wear a tampon), which has only really happened once since my son was born (this summer in San Diego). Also, it only has a 70% chance of working, and then a 50% chance of returning to its original state even if it does work. Those seem like shit odds for having a surgery. If the chances of a surgery actually correcting my scar tissue are that abysmal, I’ll decline it too.

I write about this stuff because I think it’s important for people to know that pregnancy and vaginal births can have long-term negative effects. There is such a culture of silence around these possibilities, and pregnancy and vaginal birth are so thoroughly revered in our society, people can be totally blind sided by prolonged issues, especially when doctors admit they are totally normal, and even common! So here I am, the voice of uterine prolapse and unresolved scar tissue. Shit sucks and I’m still dealing with it, seven years later.

Yesterday was the hottest day in San Francisco’s history, or at least in the 143 years they have been recording the temperature. It reached 108* in some parts of the city. It was only a few degrees warmer on the peninsula, which is usually a lot hotter than up here.

This morning it’s already 90* at only 9:30am. Looking at weather.underground, the temps in Oakland (the East Bay) and Concord (inland East Bay) are almost 10 degrees cooler. Usually they have much higher temps than San Francisco. This weather pattern is so, so weird.

A 100 degree day is hot anywhere, but you have to remember than in SF, almost no one has air conditioning. Most people don’t even have fans, at least not very good ones. We don’t usually need them! In SF we open a window to enjoy a cool breeze, we don’t have to create one with electricity. For us, 90* is an insanely hot day in the middle of a record heat wave, 108* is totally unheard of.

Right now my house feels like an oven and it’s only going to get worse. We have a birthday party at someone’s house (UGH!) and then we’ll just be hunkering down and trying to stay hydrated. Tomorrow it’s supposed to be in the 80’s, but today was supposed to cap out at 90 and it’s already reached that so I don’t have a lot of hope that tomorrow will be much cooler.

I know this is not a big deal when compared to the historic flooding in Texas. It’s just so disconcerting to see these extreme weather patterns all over the country: polar vortexes, 500-year floods, historic highs. Hard not to feel like we’re headed toward Armageddon.