Not a Wasted Word

My throat started hurting (a lot) on Tuesday night, I saw the doctor Wednesday afternoon, and started my prescription early Thursday afternoon (taking 2 doses Thursday), and only on Sunday afternoon did I really start feeling better.

The only way I got through driving to LA and seeing friends and driving to San Diego and the first day of Legoland was ibuprofen. Lots, and lots, of ibuprofen. SO MUCH IBUPROFEN. I didn’t start feeling better after 24 hours of antibiotics, or 48 hours, or 72 hours, or even 96 hours! It took over four days of antibiotics to start feeling better. Strep is no fucking joke. (And WebMD lied to me.)

Yesterday it still hurt to eat and lunch was very painful but then later in the afternoon I seemed to turn a corner and suddenly felt much better. My jaw still aches at night, and I still can’t open my mouth all the way, but this evening I feel like my almost my normal self. It’s so, so nice.

We had a great time at Legoland. I will write more about it promptly. Tomorrow we drive home. I also plan to write about driving 500 miles in an electric car.

But right now the moral of the story is don’t get strep. Ever.

Seriously. It’s the worst.

I got hit with strep this week, and I got hit really, really hard.

My throat really hurt on Tuesday night, but only on the right side. I thought maybe I had an ear infection, and since we had travel plans, I made an appointment for the next afternoon.

There was no sign of an ear infection but she swabbed me for strep and sure enough, Thursday morning I got the results, which were positive.

That same morning I saw the tell-tale white spots on my throat.

I went to work Thursday because it’s our block day and I knew there wouldn’t be a sub for me and my colleagues would be asked to cover my long 90 minute classes. Also, I was going to be gone Friday and Tuesday already and no sub had picked up those jobs either, so my colleagues would be covering me then too. I made sure to use tons of hand sanitizer and stay away from my students.

But by lunch I had a fever and felt awful so I had someone cover the last hour of my last class and went home. I think what happened was I let my ibuprofen lapse and the pain and fever got so bad so fast. I was sobbing as I waited in line for my antibiotics at the pharmacy. Swallowing especially was excruciating.

I went to bed at 6pm on Thursday night, with the plan of seeing how felt in the morning and making a game-time decision about our trip. We were supposed to drive down Friday, stay in LA one night to see my college friends Saturday then drive to San Diego Saturday night before hitting up Legoland Sunday and Monday.

All the articles said I’d feel a lot better after 24 hours of antibiotics, and I was able to take two doses the first day, so when I woke up feeling not awful on Friday morning (I took a lot of ibuprofen during the night) I decided we should go for it. Mostly I didn’t want to lose the money we’d spent on the hotel in LA, but also I was worried about finding available chargers on the drive down on a Saturday.

We made it down to LA and I even drove the first half, but I still feel horrible and it’s only a steady stream of high doses of ibuprofen that is keeping me going. I really hope tomorrow, after four doses of antibiotics I feel better, because right now I can’t open my mouth to take a bite, my lymph node is so swollen. Thank god it’s only on the right side of my throat or I’d be totally out of commission.

I thought I had had strep before, but holy shit I’ve never had anything like this. It’s so, so painful. By the end of the day I just want to cry. (I do cry actually, quite a bit.)

I hope I can sleep and that tomorrow I feel better. Mostly I hope no one else in my family get this, because oh man, it is the worst.

I got that letter written today, the one defending my program. I’m going to have my husband edit it before I show it to the other foreign language teacher in our district, and then to my principal and AP. Hopefully I’ll be sending it off to the board and superintendent later this week.

I feel better now that I wrote it. And I’m glad I went to the professional development day. I ended up running into my junior year Spanish 3 teacher, who was also at the training. It was really great to see him, and we had lunch, and it was just a really awesome way to spend an hour of my day. We had a really interesting and substantive conversation, and I walked away feeling better than I had in a long time.

I also saw some other people I know, like the Spanish teacher that just left my mom’s school last year, the woman who long-term subbed for me when I was on maternity leave with my daughter, and the French teacher at the neighboring town’s middle school (who came to watch me teach last year). It was nice to be reminded that I am a part of a kind of professional community, even if I’m alone on my own campus. Maybe if I keep going to these trainings that feeling of community will grow (there are four more sessions that I already signed up for this year and then I can go to different strands in the coming years).

I got a lot done this weekend, and it feels good to check boxes and cross things off my lists. We are headed to Legoland this weekend for our son’s birthday, which involves taking Friday and Tuesday off (Monday is already a holiday for us), so its nice to feel like I’m almost caught up before the packing and sub planning start.

My husband was out of town for part of this past week, and it was also the book fair at my daughter’s school (which I had to staff every afternoon), but all in all things went pretty well. Obviously I had backup from my parents on Saturday, which was awesome, and they also helped at the end of week with taking my son to school (I had someone cover my first class one day to take him, but my parents came up the other two mornings). My inlaws have been in Texas since August, but now that my mom is retired my parents can help so much more. We are so, so lucky to have so much grandparent support.

And yes, my parents helped a lot, but I also managed a lot, and it was not that hard to manage it all because my kids are getting bigger and it really does get easier as they get bigger. And yes, bigger kids, bigger problems, but also significantly reduced day-to-day exhaustion. I wonder why the parents of bigger kids are so reticent to admit that it does get easier, they always seem to pull that big-kids-big-problems card, and while I understand where they are coming from, it doesn’t seem to tell the whole story and I wish they’d just admit that it does get easier.

So here I am admitting it: In my opinion it is much easier to parent an 8yo and an almost-5yo than it was to parent a 5yo and an almost 2yo. Way, way easier. I think it would have helped me get through those harder years if someone would have just said, oh yeah, that first bit is really shit but I promise, it gets better. Why did no one say that? I swear I was desperate for someone to say that to me and no one ever did. And I’ve had conversations with other parents who wholeheartedly agree and are also enjoying parenting a lot more now that their kids are older.

Maybe I’m just in that sweet spot, and in 3 years, when my daughter is a tween, I will think it sucks again. All I know is that right now, the days don’t feel as overwhelming, even when I’m parenting alone for a little while.

Which is good because everything else in the world feels overwhelming right now.

Speaking of overwhelming, I would like to overwhelming recommend you read Rebecca Solnit’s new book Call Them by Their True Names. I think you should read anything by Rebecca Solnit that you can get your hands on, but this new collection of essays is truly remarkable, and so, so necessary right now.

I’m at a professional training today. I signed up, and paid for it myself. I’ll get no credit for it, and while I’m attempting to get out of a few 1.5 hour professional development meetings at my school with this, it’s just me doing it because I know there is always more to learn to become a better teacher.

But being here, I’m faced with my professional self-perception, which has taken quite a beating in the past few years, and which isn’t very positive right now. I have a lot feelings about myself as a foreign language teacher, and most of them are negative.

It sucks to feel like you aren’t very good at what you do.

I don’t know. I’m in a dark hole this week. I know a lot of us are. Maybe I feel so shitty about myself professionally because there are so many people in this country trying to make me feel shitty about myself personally, just for being a woman. It’s hard to build yourself up when everywhere around you people are tearing you down.

I’m having a hard time writing the letter to the school board and superintendent defending my program. I just can’t seem to find the words, and the deeper I dig the more I question myself and my choices.

It’s just a hard place to be. I know I’ll get out of it. And who knows, maybe being here will help me get out of it. I hope it does. I need to feel positively about something right now, and my job would be a good place to get started.

Seriously, how many times have I titled a post Blerg? So. Many. Times.

Things continue to feel really hard, but I know they aren’t actually really hard and it seems silly to come here and talk about how they are, so I don’t write anything and long stretched appear between posts.

My husband is similarly struggling. We are both tired and we have no energy or time to connect.

My son has had such a hard transition to TK. We’ve had so many conversations and meetings with his teacher. This week he’s doing better, after the installation of a “star” chart, but I worry he hates school and will always hate school. As someone who always had a pretty decent relationship with school, I hate thinking that my kid might be miserable throughout his academic life.

I know it’s just TK and it will probably get better, but he always complained about the “academic” components of his preschool too. He HATED circle time. He HATED art (when they practiced their fine motor skills with drawing and cutting). Now he hates most of his day, and wails when he’s told it’s still not the weekend.

He has made friends, and does talk fondly about school (aka recess) sometimes, so I don’t think the program, or teacher, are a bad fit. I just think he doesn’t really love doing the school thing. I hope that isn’t always the case.

Meanwhile he’s developing in leaps and bounds. He started listening to all the Ivy and Bean books (a return to a household favorite) over and over again, and runs into my room when something interesting happens to tell me about it (again). He definitely still misses subtleties in the story telling, but his comprehension of longer books has grown substantially. He is also really into music and dancing, and spends week compiling the perfect mix on our spotify accounts, then listens to it constantly (never mind that all the songs are from Transformer and Ninjago soundtracks, plus the new Teen Titans Movie).

He lost his first tooth today. I am so not ready for my baby to be losing teeth.

My daughter is rocking 3rd grade. She hit level L in reading in Kindergarten and then basically stayed there for the next two years, so this year I’m enforcing a 30 minutes reading requirement every afternoon, and she has to read a novel (she loves big non-fiction books with lots of pictures and while she does read some (maybe even a lot) of the text, she is not developing the stamina necessary to succeed in upper elementary school). At first I was getting a lot of resistance to this requirement but now she is loving the reading time. She still gives me a shit when it’s time to read a Spanish book (she has to switch between English and Spanish) but even that is mellowing out. She has a lot less written homework this year, which REALLY helps. Thank you 3rd grade teacher!

We started classes at a martial arts dojo this too. We’d heard such good things about it from a few different sources, but I wanted to wait until after our summer traveling to start. The classes are great, and I know my kids need this experience with things being hard but persevering and then eventually achieving a goal. They could also use the body awareness, quite frankly. It’s hard for them, so they don’t LOVE it yet, but they are always willing to go so that’s liking it enough for me.

My favorite part is the respect and consideration that is expected to be shown to teachers and peers. They need to respond with Yes Sir! and Yes Ma’am! to their teachers (or a student helper), and to look them in the eye and respond when they are spoken too. These expectations are held gently, but also firmly and consistently and I am almost relieved that someone is doing what I’ve lacked the consistency to do myself. I take mental notes while I watch their classes and am using some of the phrasings at home now. I hope that over time what they learn at the dojo will find its way into our house.

I might start taking classes their myself, though I don’t think we can really afford it.

Side note: I really do not know how people have their kids in multiple extracurricular activities at once – both logistically and also financially. I have always felt like my kids did less than their friends (they do), but honestly, I can’t handle more than one thing at a time. We always stop swimming lessons when we travel in the summer and usually don’t start them again until the new year. With martial arts classes I don’t know if we’ll start them again at all. And every time I get an email about Girl Scouts I try to convince my kid to quit (yes, I know, I’m a monster). So far it hasn’t worked yet.

But seriously, how do people afford all these activities, and how do they get their kids to them (and then home and fed and into bed at a decent hour) without going crazy (or bankrupt)?!

So there you go. I wrote a post. Happy Friday!

I’m still really struggling with the start of the school year, and I’m not pleased with the ways I’m managing the overwhelm. I need to develop new coping mechanisms for when I’m very stressed out, because I don’t feel like my current methods are effective, or sustainable.

This weekend a friend prompted us to take a hike with our girls, instead of having a play date at her house. We ended up walking to a beach I’ve never been to. It was a beautiful day (there haven’t been many of them in the city this summer), and the views were breath taking. It was so nice to remember that this is where I live, and maybe it’s even worth all the bullshit.

I think I need to add walks on the beach to my list of coping mechanisms. It is totally doable, because this is where I live.

We are now the owners of a bright blue Bolt EV. It had 3 miles on it when we bought it. It had never even been for a test drive.

It’s a really nice car. I’ve never owned a really nice car. And in the eight years since we last bought a (three year old at the time) car, A LOT has changed. Also, a lot of things were broken in our old car and we never fixed them. Did I mention we’ve been putting a portable speaker on our dashboard to listen to music from our phones for three years now?!

Now I plug my phone into the car and it shows up on a big screen. If I want to make a call it will take me through all the steps, orally, so I don’t have to look at the screen. When someone calls me I can answer it without looking at my phone, or even moving my hands. It’s amazing.

When I back up I can see how close I am to the other car via a camera. I almost never look at that because it’s HARD to back up while your body is facing forward. I haven’t managed to do it yet — my body just instinctively turns to right — but it is cool for when I’m parking really close to another car and I don’t want to hit it.

Speaking of parking, it’s so much shorter than our sedan. I can fit it in so many tiny spaces.

And yet inside it’s surprisingly spacious. I think part of it is that there is just less stuff taking up space (the engine is super small, there is no gas tank, etc), and also the space is utilized really well. It’s kind of like a tiny house car in a way. We’ll see if there are moments when it really feels like there isn’t enough passenger or cargo space.

It has a regenerative braking mode and when you are in it, the car starts stopping as soon as you take your foot all the way off the pedal. It took me a little while to get used to it, but now I LOVE it because I can basically drive without ever moving my foot to the brake pedal. I also get great range in that mode because I’m producing energy anytime I lift my foot even slightly off the pedal.

So far I use about 40 miles worth of charge a day, even though I drive a little more than that. Obviously the high speeds of the freeway burn through a lot of energy, but driving around in the regen mode I get great “mileage.”

We sit higher in this car than the sedan, which I like.

We have a month of free Sirius.XM radio, which I hate, except now I found a 90’s pop station and I hate it a little less. We’re definitely going to cancel that subscription when we need to start paying.

We have three free months of On.Star, but we’ll be cancelling that as well.

It’s weird just pressing a button to turn on the car. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve reached for the key when it’s time to turn it off. And I swear the shifter only moves in the ways it does to give you the semblance of shifting, they could have just as easily put buttons somewhere to move from P to D to R.

Also, it’s a hatch back so you don’t have to pull the trunk door level like in my old car. I’ve honestly reached down for that more than I’ve grasped for a key that isn’t there.

When you do put it in park, it stays absolutely still. No rocking back and forth gently. That still weirds me out.

It doesn’t use gas so I don’t need to change the oil (it has no oil!), or get a SMOG check. And of course, I never have to get actual gas either. I am so excited about all of these things.

It gets around 250 miles on a charge. So far I’ve been able to charge it to full at night (starting at 11pm when rates go down) without the level 2 charger, but we are still getting one put in. The electrician came today and said it should be fine, despite our crappy electrical infrastructure and small main panel, as long as we charge it at night when we aren’t using electricity elsewhere. I don’t think I’ll use the level 2 charger all the time, but it will be nice if there is ever a night I forget to plug it in, or when we come back from a longer trip and we need to go from zero to full more quickly. It also is super charge compatible (that was an extra $1K) so we can get about 150 miles in 30 minutes on the road (at a super charge station). Living in California we have more infrastructure for electric cars than most states, especially in the Bay Area.

All told, it cost about $41,000; $35,600 for the LT model with the secure driver package ($550 for the backup camera which my husband really wanted), the super charger  port ($1,000) and the color ($400), plus taxes (almost 9% here) and a $2500, 5 year/100,000 mile warranty (that was $4000 off sticker, plus an educators discount (nice!) and a little more off because our credit union works with this dealership a lot). We’ll get $7500 back from the feds and $2500 back from the state, so it will be $31,000 + some interest when all is said and done. We put down $10,000 and got a three year loan (at 2.26%) from our credit union for the rest, but we expect to pay it off in two years. I haven’t calculated exactly how much we’ll be paying in interest, but it’s not that bad. (I’m including all this in case anyone is interested and wants an idea of real cost.)

We will save $2,500 a year on not buying gas, but also spend more in electricity (not sure how this will look yet). Also our insurance went up A LOT ($800 a year), as this car is worth 10 times what our other car was worth at the time of the switch, but it would have gone up no matter what kind of newer car we bought. Still, we’re paying as much in car insurance now (about $2,000 a year) we were before we switched to State Farm from AAA (when we had an older car), so it’s not that bad.

Do I wish my old car had been worth keeping for another 2-4 more years? Absolutely. Am I excited (and totally nervous!) to have a brand new (for the first time in my life) electric car? F*ck yeah. Mostly I’m excited to not be using gas. I’ve driven a 45 mile commute 180 days a year for 14 years, plus all the driving I do around the city and the suburb where I work. I feel a lot of guilt about that. Yes, I’m still a single driver in a car on the road, but at least I’m not burning gas to get around. When we get solar panels I’ll feel really good about things.

So yeah, that’s our new car.

I wonder if it will ever feel natural for me to watch a movie like Lady Bird (so amazing, I highly recommend it) and relate more to the mom than the daughter (or to relate to both equally). For my whole life I was the latter, but now I recognize myself in the former, and it’s so disorienting.

I didn’t see my own parents as actual people, with faults and backstories, until I was a sophomore in college. Will it take my daughter that long?

My mother lost her own mother at the age of seven and I wonder how she watches a movie like Lady Bird. How did she have any idea how to mother when she never had one herself?’ Her father was a schizophrenic alcoholic so she wasn’t learning anything helpful there…

It’s hard. To be both. It’s complicated. We are always all parts of ourself, even if we know others don’t see us multifaceted beings.

I watch a movie like Lady Bird and I see all the ways I am not the parent I want to be, all the ways my humanity assures I will fall short.

So humbling.