My desire to buy things is crazy these days. I want to buy all the things. I don’t need any of the things, but I want to buy them. A few of them cost a lot. I want those things the most.
I tell myself no. I shut down the page in my browser. But I can’t stop thinking about the things. I go re-open the page. Look at the stuff. Lust after the stuff. I give myself a thousand reasons I don’t need to buy the stuff. I agree with those reasons. I shut down the page. Then I think about the reasons why I could buy the stuff. Then I reopen the page. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
The obsession is real. I try so hard to stop thinking about these things but it’s like my brain is on some endless loop. Like my brain is a dvd menu that plays a minute and 15 seconds of music before stopping with a brief skip and then starting again.
I try to distract myself, to think about other things. But if I don’t give into the compulsion it is so hard to move on. SO HARD. It takes me maybe a week to get over something that I’m thinking about obsessively. And even then, the desire is still there, it’s just not all encompassing. If I start thinking about it again for even five minutes, I can reignite the full force of the obsession.
I’m trying to shift my energy and attention elsewhere. I read a book. Or play solitaire. Or clean out a cluttered space. I open a folder of photos to mark the ones I’ll use in this year’s calendar. I stand in front of my armoire (oh what I’d do for a real honest-to-gawd closet) and touch every piece of clothing to remind myself that I don’t need more. I organize my books to remind myself that I have plenty to read. I organize my jewelry to remind myself how many necklaces I never wear. I organize my shoes to remind myself that I could go over a week without wearing the same pair. I do all the things I’m supposed to do, but the wanting doesn’t go away.
I try to think about what hole inside me my subconscious is trying to fill. Do I want a piece of jewelry to mark my 5/10/13 anniversary because I feel like something is missing in my marriage? Do I want new shoes to feel more professional at work? Am I just in a funk and want the shine of new stuff to distract me for a moment? I try to puzzle out the compulsions but I never land on a realization that makes them dissipate.
I try to remind myself of my long term goals, the ones that require a significant sum in my savings. But they all feel so far away, and so impossible to achieve, that it doesn’t help.
This doesn’t seem normal. I don’t think most people deal with this kind of lust for new stuff. I don’t know. I can’t figure it out and it’s driving me crazy. I just want to stop wanting stuff. How can I make myself move on when my thoughts seem wound in an endless loop?
I am 38-years-old, but I feel like a petulant child when it comes to stuff. I just want to get over it, but I honestly don’t know how. We have a big car payment that requires we have money in the bank each month. I can’t be getting this stuff. Why isn’t that enough to shut me down?
