Not a Wasted Word

Coherent thoughts are not my strong suit right now. Let’s hope I can focus on one topic at a time enough to get through some bullet points.

– My 20 year high school reunion was fun. It felt rushed and was over before I got to talk to everybody in a meaningful way, but it was good time. It made me happy to see people that meant a lot to me a long time ago, but I was also reminded that we don’t have a lot to talk about after so many years apart. I’m definitely glad I went, but it felt like a little of a let down.

– I’m having a really hard time getting my engine back on the PTA track, and without me leading the way, the rest of the train isn’t going anywhere. We ended up losing four people that were either on the board or helped a lot last year, and I doubt we’ll find the manpower to replace them, so we’ll definitely have to cut back on our projects this year. We also lost our main point person at the actual school, and they didn’t hire anyone to replace her, because of a big community-oriented program that is being put into place via a massive grant. So despite having the same administrators for the first time in our four years at the school, it’s still a pretty big transition year, at least as far as the PTA is concerned. I’m having a really hard time getting motivated, but hopefully once I get started it will be easier to keep going.

– It’s been a hard week of returning to our old routines (my daughter and me) and adjusting to new routines (my son) these past weeks, and it really didn’t help that my daughter got a gnarly cold last week, but we eventually made it through. My daughter seems really happy in 3rd grade, and I’m really pleased I was able to get her class changed (I was NOT impressed with the teacher she was originally assigned). My son’s teacher is great and his class is incredibly diverse, which makes me happy, but his after school program has not impressed me at all. What sucks the most is that I have my prep during 6th period, so I could leave work early to avoid him spending too much time there, but then I’ll get behind at work. I hope they eventually get their act together so I don’t feel so guilty about him spending time there (it’s just chaotic, and I never see them doing an activity or even playing, they always seem to  be sitting and waiting (for what I don’t know), despite me showing up at varying times throughout the afternoon).

– The afternoons with the kids, after work, are really wearing me down. They are tired and hungry and grumpy. I am tired and hungry and grumpy. I am requiring 30 minutes of sustained reading from my daughter and she struggles to sit down and stay focused. My son is all over the place. We also pushed up bedtime because they are both so exhausted, and it’s hard to be ready to really start bedtime by 7pm, and that is with us getting home by 4:30 or 5pm most days. I don’t know how families that don’t get home until after 6pm do it.

– It’s nice to have my classroom back. I think I’m already taking it for granted, and I’m trying hard to really savor how amazing it is to just stay where I am during the 3 minute passing periods, and to leave some stuff on the table at the end of the day.

– It’s still really hard to commute to the other campus. This year I drive during my lunch and then eat after all my classes at 2:15. It’s hard to make it that long without a real meal, but I’m learning to make my 10:30 snack last.

– I’m not sleeping great these days. I either can’t fall sleep for hours and becoming increasingly agitated as I toss and turn, or I take a sleep aid, fall right to sleep and wake up at 4am. Either way I’m lucky to get 5 hours of sleep and it’s starting to get to me. I hope after the car stuff is behind us and I’m back into the school year routine I’ll start getting better rest. (I’m finishing this post finally thanks to insomnia.)

– We may pick up the car this weekend. The color I really wanted (orange) wasn’t available in Northern California, but we got our second choice (blue). The size of this purchase continues to stress me out, especially as I factor in sales tax and fees (and installing the level 2 charger in or garage, which I’m still not sure our shitty electrical infrastructure can handle). Having said that, the prospect of never filling my car with gas again (or getting my oil changed or a SMOG check again) makes me positively giddy. I really hope we love this car.

– Yay for a three day weekend! We all need it around here.

We decided to retire our Honda Accord and get a new car, and while we’re leaning heavily towards a 2018 Che.vy Bo.lt EV, we’re not decided.

I never did get another estimate for the work, but I absolutely trust my mechanic (I’ve been bringing my cars there since I was 18) and know he’s giving it to me straight. I think if I hadn’t gotten behind on the 150K maintenance and replacing the windshield, and had already put that $1.5K into the car, we would be replacing the axles, struts and tires. But I did get behind, so now, all together, it would cost at least $4K to do all the necessary work to keep it running safely, and the fact that no one can tell me how or why our front axles got bent (meaning maybe it’s a defect and could happen again), we think starting fresh is the best option. Also, we don’t have a way to connect our phones to this car anymore (we’ve been using a portable speaker to play music for YEARS), and some other stuff is broken (the inside ceiling and dashboard lights are out, the key fobs only work intermittently) which were simply annoying before, but now make getting another car that much more enticing.

Still, spending that much on a car is freaking me out. The only thing that makes me seriously consider it is not paying for gas again. I spend $50+ a week on gas, and that is if I don’t go down to my parents’ on the weekend or have any other random driving to do. So we’d be saving AT LEAST $200 a month on gas, more if the prices go back up in the $4-4.50/g range (which they do frequently here). So we are looking at around $2500 a year in gas savings. That is nothing to sneeze at. And California offers a $2500 tax rebate on top of the $7500 federal rebate, so that is helpful. And yes, we will be paying for the electricity to charge the car, but I’ve been wanting solar panels for so long now, hopefully we can get them soon (and people I know who have EVs have said they didn’t notice major changes in their energy bills).

We’re test driving a Chevy Bolt this weekend and we’ll see if we like it. It’s REALLY small, much smaller than my sedan, and I worry about its cargo space since it’s our only car. But I absolutely want to make it work, because while hybrids are great, they don’t save THAT much gas if you’re primarily driving on the freeway (41m/g vs our Accord’s 32m/g). And my work doesn’t have charging stations (or even a way to run a cord out to the parking lot) so I can’t drive something like the Prius Prime without burning fuel on the way home (they can go 30 miles on a charge and my work is 25 miles away). California also has other incentives for driving an EV, which helps.

In the end, an electric car is so much better for the earth, and I’ve done so much damage commuting alone 50 miles a day, 200 days a year, for 15 years (I shutter to write all that out). If we can afford an EV, it really feels like we should get one.

We still have so much work to do to make getting a new car happen – and a lot of decisions to make, the most important being how we’ll finance this fantastically expensive endeavor. We could produce all the cash, but we’d be decimating our emergency fund, plus taking money from some other accounts we’d rather not tough. I’d rather find a 0% APR for 48 months deal and pay it off with the money we’re saving now that our son’s not in daycare. Also, our credit union offers a 1% APR loan for new cars, so we could do that. It will probably end up being some combination of cash and financing. We also have to figure out what to do with the old car. I can’t imagine we can sell a car that’s blue book value is the same as how much work has to be done to it. Perhaps we’ll donate it to a good cause (that is what I did with my last car). Any suggestions?

I still can’t believe we are doing this. I absolutely thought our Honda had another 4 years left – I was planning to drive it for 250K miles! I feel like a deer caught in the headlights with all of this, but I’m so thankful it happened now that we have a more cash available each month. It could have been much worse.

I am a mess right now. This week is absolutely kicking my ass.

I come here to write, but I can barely keep my thoughts together in my head, let alone corral them into a post. I just can’t do it right now.

I am so incredibly distracted. Today I walked to my car with my bag, realized I didn’t have my keys, left my bag next to my car (on the sidewalk, near the passenger side), walked back to my classroom and got my keys, walked back down to my car, got in on the driver’s side and drove away. It wasn’t until I wanted water that I realized my bag wasn’t there. I was almost on the freeway. Luckily the bag (with my work computer) was still there when I got back. I “only” lost 30 minutes on that epic brain fart, but it could have been so, so much worse.

I can’t believe it’s only Thursday. The week has been so, so long. I cannot wait for tomorrow afternoon, but I also know the weekend will be way too short.

I can’t remember if the beginning of the year always feels this awful, but I’m really, really struggling. Things should be great. I have my classroom back! My son isn’t in preschool anymore! Both my kids are asleep by 8:30 every night because they are exhausted! But I’m in this horrible head space that I can’t shake. It’s a vague feeling of dread; I can’t even determine where it’s coming from.

I keep telling myself that it’s just the beginning of the school year and it will get better. I don’t actually know if that’s the case, but I’m faking it until I need to reassess.

Sorry this post provides no updates on things I’ve written about lately (*cough* car situation *cough*). I hope to post something on that stuff soon.

My car’s been making a noise when I drive it. I hoped it wasn’t a big deal, but we finally took it in and it is a big deal. A $4K deal.

It needs two new front axles and four new struts. Evidently this will cost us $4K (parts + labor). It is also over due for its 150K mile tune up, which will cost another $1-1.5K. Oh, and the bad axles/struts mean it needs new tires (which I just replaced!) – another $500. And the windshield is cracked, so that’s another $250 deductible to get it replaced. So we’re talking $5.5-6K to get it where it needs to be to keep driving it.

It’s a 2007 Honda Accord. It has a 160K miles on it – most of them highway miles. We expected to put another 100K miles on it in the next 4-5 years and then get something new. We planned to start putting away money for a new car this month. Now we’re not sure what to do.

What would you do? We have the money to get another car, but it will eat into our emergency fund (not demolish it, but cut it in half). We could replenish that emergency fund in the next 1-2 years using the money we were going to save for a new car.

We had been planning on getting an electric vehicle, possible a Nissan Leaf. I spend about $200 a month on gas (I have to fill up my car once a week and it’s about $50 here to get 13.5 gallons of gas), so there is that to consider.

I don’t know what to do. Is it worth putting $5-6K into a car that already has 160K miles on it and will only last me another 4-5 years at best (with my current 20K a year mileage)? I’m especially worried because the mechanic can’t determine why my front axles are bent – I was not in an accident – maybe something on the car is off and this will happen again?

Ugh. This was very much not on my radar and I’m not sure what to do. The good news is that while the bent axles and busted struts are ruining my tires, it’s not unsafe to drive the car as is, at least not for now. So we have some time to think about it. We need to make a decision in the next month.

What would you do?

I’ve fallen into the same cycle of stress that always gets me at the start of the school year. It’s frustrating because it doesn’t seem to matter what I consciously think or feel, there is always a subconsciously current of stress running underneath everything else.

I’m not sleeping well. I wake up around 3am and toss and turn for the rest of the night. Some nights there are specific issues that keep me awake, but other nights I just can’t fall back asleep. After four nights of this I’m fairly exhausted.

I got into my room on Monday. All my stuff was gone. I freaked out. We found it in another room and someone moved it back for me. I also packed up the rest of the stuff from the teacher who left my room (she left an entire bookshelf there for me to deal with) and got a little unpacking done.

Tuesday I didn’t have much childcare so I didn’t get much done.

Today I got almost all my boxes unpacked, though some stuff is still just lying around the classroom. I think I have a layout I like (there is all new furniture in there since the last time I used it). It’s not ready, but it’s a lot better than it was on Monday.

Tomorrow I have professional development presentations all day. Friday I can get back into my room to work on it some more.

Saturday is the Back-to-School BBQ at my daughter’s school. I, of course, am in charge. We lost two board members over the summer (I just found out this past week), as their kids were finally accepted into other schools in the district (they’d been on the wait lists for a while). I don’t know how we’re going to get everything done without them.

My kids start school on Monday. I can’t get a hold of anyone in the office at my son’s school which is… concerning. His teacher did call, but I missed it, and I can’t get a hold of her again because I need someone from the office to patch me through.

I have everyone’s school clothes, backpacks, lunch boxes, and shoes ready.

God, I hate the start of a new school year.

You’d think as an adult who has ADHD, who grew up with a parent who has ADHD, and also a teacher who has taught a great many children with ADHD, I would know how to parent my daughter with ADHD. But it’s not easy, and there is no one answer that works for all families. The reality is, I’m not always sure what is best for my daughter.

At this point my daughter does not have a diagnosis of ADHD, but I am sure she has it. I recognize her struggles from my own experiences with ADHD, and from my 14 years teaching. I have no doubt that she has it, but I haven’t sought a diagnosis because I didn’t feel she would benefit from one. Diagnoses are helpful when seeking medication, and/or a 504 (a specialized education plan that provides guidelines to accommodate for a medical conditions that effects learning). My daughter is a smart kid, and so far she has achieved every grade level milestone despite the challenges her condition causes. Her school also hasn’t used an disciplinary measures (like missing recess if work is not completed within a certain amount of time) that would require a 504 to circumvent. I also haven’t been interested in trying a medication. Yet.

I had ADHD, but I was not diagnosed as a child. I’m not sure if the disorder was widely recognized in the late 80’s, when I was making my way through the middle and upper elementary grades. I was a smart kid, who wanted very much to fit in and be like. I craved the positive attention of my teachers, and learning came relatively easy to me, so I developed strategies to manage the negative consequences of my symptoms, and did well in school.

{I’m sure having a mother who was also a teacher, helped – I definitely remember her making sure I got my homework done and helping me develop organizational systems that worked for me. I also remember her taking me to school on the weekends when I forgot my math workbook or something else I needed to turn in.}

So yeah, I did well enough in school, but I also internalized the message, which was communicated subtly and in myriad ways, that something was fundamentally wrong with me, and that I needed to do everything possible to do better, to make up for this fault at at the foundation of my being.

So I did pretty good in school, despite my ADHD. I even liked school, and I felt successful there. Still, I wonder what my experience would have been if I’d not had this disorder working against me. What might I have accomplished if so much energy weren’t being used to sit still, pay attention, and keep myself organized. (Or how many hours I would have spent doing productive things if I weren’t looking for all the hundreds of thousands of things, important and less so, that I lost.)

What might I have accomplished? And might I have avoided that feeling, which has followed me into adulthood, that something is fundamentally wrong with me?

Those questions about what my own life would have been like, are at the forefront of my mind now as I meditate on the next steps to take with my daughter. This year she will be in third grade. This is the grade where academics take a big leap, and she will be asked to read and write more, both in the classroom and at home. Right now reading and writing are still a real challenges for her (at least reading books she hasn’t chosen is routinely met with defiance). She hates to write, and many of her writing assignments had to come home last year (and the year before) so she could finish them with significantly more time than was allowed in the classroom (and a lot of re-direction from me). I also wrote out her homework answers the night before to provide scaffolding for her independent homework time at aftercare (she traced over the answers). Even with those supports (and others including noise cancelling headphones, a wobble disk for her chair, and chew necklaces) she was often still in the homework room working when the other kids at aftercare were outside in the playground.

My daughter is a smart kid, and I’m sure she could get by without medication, just like I did. But I also see her struggling, and I know that so many things are such a challenge for her, and that they don’t have to be. We are still managing a lot of big emotions at home, and I know it’s just as exhausting for her as it is for us. What if a medication makes a positive difference?

There is such a stigma against taking medications for mental health disorders in our culture, even someone like me who takes one of these medications and knows that it helps is unsure what to do. If, with help, she is meeting the standards, do we continue without medication? Or, with the goal of easing her burden, and giving her a better chance of meeting her full potential, do we try something and see how it goes?

I don’t know what the answer is, but I’ll be spending a lot of time this year reading up on the topic. If you have any resources or experiences to share, please send them my way. I’d really appreciate it. If you’d rather not share in the comment section, please email me at noemikjames@gmail.com.

Tonight is my 20 year high school reunion.

I will admit that I’m excited. I have some good friends from high school that I rarely see, and I know most of them will be there. I’m not on FB so I haven’t been watching their lives from afar. I don’t know what a lot of them have been up to, and I’m stoked to see them again.

{Events like this are, in my opinion, much more interested and exciting when you AREN’T on social media, because you actually have things to talk about with people.}

I’m also thinking a lot about my life and its progress. 20 years is a long time, and evidently I’ve been an out in the world for that long, supposedly accomplishing goals and making memories.

In the end I realize that I’m approaching this milestone having achieved my most important goals. I have a husband (that I’m quite fond of – at least most of the time 😉 ) and two children. I have gainful employment. I own a house. I’ve even been traveling recently! To a far away place! I’ve checked off pretty much every box that society presents for us (and a few that I prioritize for myself). That definitely makes approaching this whole thing easier, even exciting.

But there are other feelings down there too. I’m not thrilled to tell everyone that I’m still teaching at the same school, right across the street from the high school we all attended. Sure I live in the city, but I spent the majority of every day in the small suburb where I spent the final years of childhood. I haven’t really arrived anywhere interesting. I’m probably more connected with home than most of them.

And yes I have a job, but it’s not worth talking about. It’s not interesting, and it’s not something I’m especially proud of. Professionally I’ve achieved nothing of note, and that is depressing. I also realize I made a lot of choices to get, and stay, where I am professionally. I recognize those and am mostly at peace with them. I realize this is only my 20 year reunion and there is still time to achieve something in my professional life that I am proud of.

I also find myself eyeing my reflection a lot more. I haven’t been happy with my body since I had my surgery and had to stop working out for two months. It has been harder than ever to get back into shape after those short two months. My body just doesn’t bounce back like it used to. My metabolism is not interested in speeding back up.

Thank goodness I got a tan on my trip!

But, joking aside, I hate coming back to this same mindset about my body and how hard it is for me to accept myself when I don’t like how I look. I want so badly to be okay with how I look, at any weight, but I’m so far from there. My actual definition of “looking good” is so narrow. I may never fall within its limited confines again. There is a part of me that would rather be accepting of the new me than actually looking the way I want to, but another, very loud voice, is terrified of that reality, and has a lot of ugly things to say to me about how I look and what that means about me.

So yeah. Lots of feelz about things thing tonight. But mostly excitement, and I’m trying hard to let the voices of disappointment be drown out by the loud shrieking of the voice that is excited to see her old friends.