Uncategorized

Wanted to let you all know…

Posted on by noemikjames / 13 Comments

… that I didn’t get the job. 

They emailed me this morning. 

I’m really disappointed, and will readily admit that I’m crying right now, but I also recognize it’s pretty insane to think I was going to get the first job I actually got an interview for. 

And while the thought of returning to my district next year makes me think and feel all kinds of negative, I feel confident that if I follow my plan, I’ll be in a much better position to apply and hopefully interview next year. 

The fact that I have to wait an entire year before I can even try again is… hard to accept. But it’s the reality of the profession. 

Thank you all for your support during this process. It means a lot. 

Work/Teaching/Writing

It went…

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

…okay.

It probably went better than I’m thinking it did (this is what my husband assures me). Who knows? I sure as hell don’t.

The good news… they said they will decide quickly. They also said that they would be asking finalists to do an example lesson and asked if I’d be available for that. I said I’d make myself available.

The truth is, I honestly have no idea if I have any shot of getting this job.

What I do know is that I REEEEEALLY want it.

It’s not just a Spanish position, although the Spanish part is perfect: two periods of Spanish 1 and Spanish 2 each. Exactly what I was hoping for.

But the other part is to be an advisor, which means I’d have a class of students for two years, and work with them on social emotional development, life skills, decision making, all kinds of cool stuff. It’s the kind of “teaching” that I get really excited about. And it’s what I probably have the most experience in (I’m guessing, because I really do have a lot of experience in that kind of student support, and I can’t imagine other candidates have it because I only do because of the jack-of-all-trades aspect of my current job).

I’m wondering if (actually suspecting that) as early as tomorrow, I’ll know if I’m out of the running.

It will break my heart.

But the one positive thing that will come from all of this, is that I’m more sure than I’ve ever been that I’m interested in teaching at a high school. Especially this high school.

I just worry I didn’t make that clear enough in my interview.

So many people gave me so much advice. I practiced SO MANY responses to SO MANY possible questions. And of course none of them were actually a part of the interview. It feels like I prepared for all the wrong things, and yet I recognize that I could never had prepared for the right thing.

In the end, as I keep singing to myself, Que será será, Whatever will be will be.

The good news is tomorrow a really good friend is coming in from out of town. I’ve seen him maybe three times since we graduated from college and yet he remains one of the few people I know in real life that I truly trust. So I took tomorrow off to hang out with him, and it’s honestly the only thing holding me together right now.

I promise I’ll let you all know as soon as I hear anything more definitive.

Oh, and I think it bears mentioning, that the only people (excluding my husband and parents) who actually wished me luck yesterday were “blog friends” and readers, either in texts to me or comments on my blog. I think that is really telling. So many other people knew, a few friends at work, some now far-away friends that gave my great advice on how to prepare… not one of them remembered to wish me luck the day of. Only my blog peeps did that.

I’m just saying… that is an incredibly telling thing.

I’m so thankful for this space, and for all of you. I literally re-read all your comments before I went in there today. They bolstered me when I felt alone and nervous and scared.

Thank you.

Work/Teaching

And now for some good news…

Posted on by noemikjames / 13 Comments

I got an interview at one of the high schools I applied for! The regular one I had written off because they kept failing to get back to me. They finally viewed my application over the weekend! WTAF?!

Of course the only two times available are both during a really important PTA meeting this Thursday. It’s frustrating, but there is nothing I can do. This week is also super busy with long meetings after work each day so I won’t have nearly as much time to prepare as I would have liked, but I will do my best. We’ll see what happens.

I have a friend who interviewed this year for a new position and we have talked about all the topics they will probably bring up. I’m so glad I already reached out to her because I would NOT have been prepared to address some of these things eloquently, and I would not have had time to meet with her this week. I’m sure there will be some questions I will be unprepared for, but that number will be much lower, thanks to her. So, so grateful.

I probably won’t be writing much before Thursday, because I should be using my time to prepare. I’ll let you all know how it goes on Friday.

Wish me luck!

{And please don’t think I am getting ahead of myself with excitement. Mostly I’m just relieved that my resume and coverletters warranted an interview. There are a ton on unknowns with this position, so many that I might not even accept it if it’s offered. I am just heartened to have the opportunity to interview. We’ll see where it all goes…}

{{And thank you all for your kind thoughts on yesterday’s post. They really meant a lot to me.}}

Life

What do you even say?

Posted on by noemikjames / 8 Comments

On Saturday I learned that a former student died of leukemia.

He was in my class last year. He left school before the year was over, to receive treatments. He visited a couple times this year. He always looked so sick, but I guess I still thought he was going to get better.

He didn’t.

I don’t have many 7th graders, so I’m not expecting many of my students to be greatly affected, but the whole school will know about it. It will be talked about, and I will have to respond appropriately, without crying, which I can’t even manage as I type this. I’m definitely going to cry tomorrow if someone brings it up. I hate crying in front of my students.

He was a really great kid. He made me laugh. A lot, even when I shouldn’t have been laughing. He was the kid who said things that made me turn around and laugh at the white board so the class wouldn’t see.

I can’t believe he is gone.

Life/Work/Teaching

Scattered Thoughts

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

Tis Friday, the last day of my spring break.

I kept this day free of appointments and lunches and planned on taking it as a “sick day” to stay home and watch movies without a care in the world. I believe it was Tuesday that my husband casually mentioned he hoped I could bring our son to lunch on Friday because that would be fun. Why would I bring our son to lunch on Friday when he would be at school and I would taking my “sick day”? Ah, but he doesn’t have school this Friday, it’s Spring Day! I was so bummed out I may have cried. Briefly.

So here we are today, mother and son. But I’m intent on salvaging a little of my “sick day.” Right now he’s in the bath (I have two iPads set up so I can see him)  and I’m working out, so that I can finish the last two episodes of Big Little Lies while he’s napping. I refuse to feel guilty about it.

It was so nice to get a week away from work. I find I’m dreading going back but I’m deft at pushing that feeling aside and breathing through the panicky aftermath. I will get through the end of the year. It’s been a tough one, and I haven’t been happy at work, but I will get through the last ten weeks and then it will be summer.

At this point I’ve pretty much given up hope for getting a new job next year. It’s been almost a month since I sent out my application to the one school that still might contact me and they haven’t even opened it (I can see that it’s still only been “submitted” on the website I used to apply). Most of my friends who have been through the teacher job search said that if I don’t hear back in a month I probably won’t ever. That position never even got back to me when I sent a check in email on Monday of this week (they are not on spring break right now).

The alternative school still might contact me. They actually have an end date for submissions and it’s this Sunday night, so who knows. At this point I doubt I’d take a job from them, as I’ve heard more about their situation and it’s a little less secure than I’m comfortable with at this point. I don’t actually think they’ll call me. I’d definitely interview if they asked me to come in, but I probably wouldn’t take the position.

So yeah, it’s not going to happen. I feel… a lot of things about that. One the one hand I have a plan for moving forward, three action items to focus on in the next school year to up my chances of getting a new job next spring (more on those below). But if I don’t even get contacted by any of these jobs, I will definitely have a hard time rallying to apply next year. I mean, it’s one thing if they meet me and decide I’m not a good enough fit because my Spanish isn’t up to par. I can do something about that. If my resume and coverletter aren’t enticing enough, I don’t know how I’ll have a better chance in the future. It’s already hard enough knowing I’ll have to wait until next spring to even try again, if I don’t feel like I have what they are looking for it might be better to just accept that I’ll be at my job for the rest of my life, and then if I get something some day it will be a nice surprise. Of course, every year I stay at my job, the pay cut for leaving gets bigger. I might have really missed my opportunity to leave this position a LONG time ago. I wish I had known…

But there are things I’m going to do heighten my chances next year. This is my three pronged plan:

  • Work on my Spanish skills so that I’ll be more confident in my ability to teach higher level classes. I’ll keep working with L in Guatemala and I have some other resources I plan to tap to improve my skills.
  • Enroll in some classes at a foreign language teaching workshop at Stanford. This will help give me ideas for innovative ways to teach and hopefully get me excited about teaching again. It will also provide networking opportunities, though the workshop is south of where I work and evidently a lot of the connections are based in the South Bay, which I can’t possible commute to, but still, any networking is better than no networking (and no, I haven’t found anything that is focused more in the northern peninsula, only the East and South Bay areas).
  • Plan some impressive lessons/projects and curate my kids work in an eprofile. This is the one thing I can do that would help me in the application process of job searching, as I can embed a link to my eprofile and they can click on and see the work my kids produce. Hopefully the workshop will give me some ideas I can implement for this.

The truth is, I haven’t done anything in the 7th/8th grade that I feel particularly proud of in a long time. I want to change that. I’ll have two classes of 7th/8th graders next year and I can keep them on the same teaching schedule so anything I make can be used twice. I am excited about trying some new things and incorporating some new ideas into my teaching next year.

I still feel really disappointed when I think about teaching on two campuses next year. I’ll be using my lunch to commute between them (because I’m asking for a 1st period prep so I can continue driving my daughter to school) and that sucks because I’ve actually been eating with some friends at lunch, which has made work a lot more bearable. Commuting between campuses during lunch will definitely leave me even more isolated, but I’m used to that. I can manage it. And just like I got through this year, I’ll make it through next year too. I think having some action items to focus on will help keep me invested. I definitely wasn’t invested this year, and I feel guilty about that.

I will also be planning my first summer abroad with the kids next year, and that will definitely raise my spirits. I can’t wait to take them somewhere new and exciting. I also plan to speak to them exclusively in Spanish next year. This is important as I’ll be trying to get my son into a TK program the following school year and I need to be confident in my ability to provide Spanish at home, because all of the Spanish immersion TKs in the city are defunct. Ironically, it’s too hard to find bilingual teachers to keep them open.

If we do get my son into a TK for the 2018-19 school year, that will make it easier for me to take a pay cut that year, as we’ll be saving close to $20K in childcare. I can’t wait to be done paying for childcare!

So that is where I am, at the end of my final break of the school year. Not too many weeks left. I can do this. It will be okay. I keep saying that to myself. Some of the time I even believe it.

Life/Marriage

This, that and the other

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

I’m writing this on Tuesday morning. In a few hours I’m meeting with my sister. We’re supposed to go for a hike, but it’s been sprinkling on and off. If it rains I’m not sure what we’ll do.

I’m not looking forward to this hike. Things with my sister are…complicated. I love her dearly, but she is not at all easy to have in my life. She has been struggling for a while–for a few months I was trying really hard to be there for her–but it’s hard to be there for someone who only wants a certain kind of support, and can’t really articulate to you what that support looks like. I feel shitty because I know how hard it is to deal with some of what she is dealing with, and to feel misunderstood by the people who are supposed to be closest to you, but I also need to take care of myself, and there is only so much one person can give. I’m working out now in an attempt to produce enough endorphins to get through an afternoon with her.

People so rarely acknowledge the more challenging sibling relationships, especially in adulthood. I write about it in part so that anyone else who has to deal with complicated sibling interactions can know they are not alone.

I guess the good news is that things with my husband are pretty good right now. We had a massive fight, and now things are better. The massive fight was actually kind of terrifying in that we didn’t raise our voices. Mostly we just sounded resigned. I think it struck a nerve with both of us and we are newly committed to seeking professional help. I am in favor of attending a workshop for couples, because I think we lack important skills and that if we learn them together we would have a better chance of actually implementing them.

My husband would rather see someone privately (as in, see a marriage therapist with me). I can absolutely see the value in that, though I worry we’ll get stuck rehashing old issues and it will take us a while to move forward productively. I also foresee finding someone we like, finding a time we can all three be present, AND finding childcare for the kids, will be exceedingly difficult even on a bi-monthly or monthly basis. I also anticipate most of that scheduling burden will fall on me (a concern I have articulated and he has genuinely acknowledged). So yeah. I’m going to email my husband a little pro’s and con’s list of going to a workshop and suggest that we try that first and if it’s not enough we seek help with a therapist.

I feel like I should really be seeing a therapist right now too, but I don’t see how we can afford it, or when I can find the time. Maybe this summer I could meet with someone a few times, during the weeks I’m not traveling. I wonder if a life coach would not be a better fit, as a lot of my anxiety right now surrounds finding a new job. I am ambivalent about that one major aspect of my life–I think meeting with someone who coaches people through these kinds of big decisions would really help me see the forest for the trees. If that one issue were resolved, I think I’d be in a much better place.

Speaking of the job search, one of the three spots I applied for has been filled with an in-district transfer. I wonder if that district transfer was leaving one of the part time positions that are listed for other high schools in that district, because nothing new has gone up. I emailed the other position in that district that I applied for–the one I’m more interested in–and got an immediate response that the applications were being compiled by an administrator who was cc’ed on the reply. That we three weeks ago. Strangely that school has not viewed my application. It makes me worried that they are expecting an in-district transfer to fill that position as well.

The third position is for an alternative high school that sounds interesting but has an exceedingly low pay scale. I haven’t decided if I want a new job enough to take one there. I would accept that job to get some high school experience on my resume; I could not afford to make so little money for very long. Of course they might not be interested either so I’m not thinking about it too hard. The only good part about that school is that it’s not a part of the union of the district (because of its alternative status) so they don’t have to fill it with someone in-district before they look at outside candidates. I feel like I have more of a chance of getting interviewed by them than at a traditional high school.

In the end it might be for the best that I don’t get anything again this year. (But damn it sucks that if I don’t get a new job this year, I have to wait an entire year to even look again!) The truth is, a pay cut would be hard right now.  We will probably be spending most of our tax refund on replacing our house’s heating system (we found out all our vents are insulated with asbestos, so the whole thing needs to go). We also have some serious water damage to deal with in our daughter’s room. We’ve called five contractors and none will take us on because they are too busy (except for one that will put us on a list and might get to us by October). San Francisco is evidently a great place to be a contractor! I have no idea how to find one I think I can trust without a friend’s referral.

The marriage work is also going to cost a pretty penny.

On the topic of needing the money, I actually maxed out my credit card recently with my flights to Ecuador, the family’s travel to St. Louis, my daughter’s summer camps and my son’s day care payments (it was one of the two months where the payment goes through three times instead of two). I’ve basically been putting everything on my credit card again, as my spending feels under control and I get points when I use my credit card. When I realized I had maxed it out I wondered if I should start using my debit card again. We had the money to pay the bill and I did so early, but I’ll definitely be watching it more closely in the future. I’ve been on a spending freeze since the first of April as I wait for the 17th, when my charges will go on the next billing statement. I can’t afford another giant VISA bill right after the last one, so I’m creating a bit of a buffer as I defer some more large charges (like the actual program I’m attending in Ecuador) to the next payment.

In positive financial news I only owe $100 more dollars on the bike, which frees up $350 a month going forward. I was going to start putting that toward 529s for my kids (I have not actually opened 529s for them yet which is a point of significant stress for me), but now I’m going to wait and see what the pricetag is on the water damage and heating system. Ah homeownership! The gift that keeps on giving!

{I say that while remaining very thankful for my house, as a dear friend of mine is being evicted from her place of 10 years and will most likely have to leave the city because of the crazy high rents. So yes, it sucks having to put so much money into our house every year, but at least I don’t have to worry about being evicted, which is a very real fear in this city.}

And with that I should go, because this post is already crazy long, and I still need to write that email to my husband. I hope you’re all having a good week! Sorry I’ve been so absent from this space, I hope to change that moving forward.

Uncategorized

Socks (and no sleep) are my kryptonite

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

My kids are not sleeping well these days. My daughter is having nightmares that make her terrified to go to sleep. Even if she does sleep in my bed she tosses and turns and calls out all night. 

My son wakes up every night between 3 and 4am. At one point he was really sick and we went back to giving him some warm milk when he woke up. Now, months later, I’m attempting to break the habit and it’s been…challenging. Last night he cried for over an hour. This week is going to be painful, but I know he won’t stop waking up in the early morning if I don’t stop giving him warm milk. 

The only good news on the sleep front is that this week is my spring break, so I can afford to be exhausted. 

Yesterday I picked up the house in preparation for a cleaning lady that is coming tomorrow. Things had gotten quite dire and the state of house was causing me a lot of stress. It took me a good four hours to get the house to a place where a cleaning lady could tackle it. That may seem like a long time for a 1200 sq ft house, but it was actually quite affirming. There was a time when one day would not have been long enough for me to get the house in order, so I was pretty happy with how much I got done. 

Seriously though, how can I be so bad with socks? Yet again I found them everywhere! Socks are my kryptonite. 

Uncategorized

Negative 

Posted on by noemikjames / 12 Comments

I struggle, when I’m stuck in a negative cycle, circling endlessly around the same stresses, to come here and write about something else. I open my computer, identify all manner of positive things I could write about (because I can and do recognize them), but I can’t seem to construct coherent thoughts about them. I am so distracted by everything that is getting me down. 

This is what makes me think that the people who portray their lives as all unicorn farts and fairy queefs on their blogs must have shit pretty good, or a fucking phenomenal attitude about the bad, because I just can’t show up and put on a happy face and write something cheery when I’m not feeling cheery at all. 

I can’t do it. 

Maybe it’s because I have to do it all day, making small talk and going through the motions with people at work, and then my husband at home. Maybe it’s because here is one of the very few places I can speak honestly about what feels hard in my life.

I know this space can feel overly negative. I hope people remember that I use this space as a kind of release valve, to equalize the pressure so I can keep laughing and chatting through the rest of my life. I do manage those social pleasantries, and quite enthusiastically I might add. 

But under the niceties other feelings swirl. The stuff you can’t talk about while you wait for you copies. The stuff that you don’t mention on the way to the lunch room. 

And here is where I come to talk about those things. So I’m sorry if this space starts to feel skewed in a particular (negative) direction. I’m sorry if I give the impression that I can’t find the good in my life. 

I assure you I can. And I do. 

Work/Teaching

Well, that explains a lot

Posted on by noemikjames / 6 Comments

Aaaand, I started my period today. That explains a lot.

I am SO OVER the emotional mess of the 10 days before my period. So, so over it. The Vitex seems to be helping with physical symptoms (again my boobs didn’t hurt at all, which is why my period was able to sneak up on me), but I don’t know if it’s as effective on taming the emotional chaos. Maybe a few more months of constant use will make a difference.

Really, what is going on, is I am crap at managing uncertainty. I am seriously shit at it.

It’s the end of the school year and every staff meeting, and most random conversations around campus, are all about the upcoming school year, so it’s hard not to be thinking about next year all the time. When my attention is directed toward the coming school year, I’m thrown into a bit of a panic, because I have no idea what it will look like. Even if I stay at my job, some recent upheaval in the plans (the new 4th/5th grade “campus” is not opening next year because of construction delays) has thrown my proposed schedule into the air. Also, I might not have a classroom next year! I don’t even know if they intend to honor my request for a prep 1st period, so I can continue taking my daughter to school.

And then there is the chance, however slim, that I won’t be working in the district at all come August.

I know life is all about uncertainty. I know that nothing we think of as constant and unchanging actually is. It’s all a facade that our mind creates so it can navigate a world of constant uncertainty without losing its shit. I get that, at least cognitively. But it doesn’t stop my heart from racing every time I think about next year.

Living in this limbo is hard for me. I think it’s difficult for people whose jobs are relatively stable (or at least seem relatively stable) from year to year to understand what it’s like to have everything upended in the final months of every school year, with no control over how it all falls. I probably won’t know what is going on until mid-June. That is a long way away.

As an elective teacher in a small district, I have to deal with this, to some degree, every single school year. Adding in the uncertainty of job applications and its a little much for me.

I know I need to create coping mechanisms for this. And in the moment I’m doing a decent job of reminding myself that eventually I will know what is happening and nothing I think or feel now will affect that outcome. It doesn’t make sense to stress about which choice I might make if no choice is currently being offered to me. And I’m finding things about next year to look forward to. We are supposed to have a block schedule 2 days a week next year, which I was so looking forward to for this year and was really bummed about them abandoning in the first month of school. We’re pushing our start time back and I might get to teach a new class or two. I’m definitely supposed to have fewer 6th grade classes. There are things to look forward to, and clinging to those bright spots makes it all feel a bit more manageable.

I’m also aware that some of this stress is the result of applying for jobs and putting myself in the position of being judged by others on my merits as a teacher for the first time in my career. If I don’t get so much as an interview, what will that do to my self-esteem? How will I incorporate the reality that people didn’t even consider me worthy of talking to? I think that is a big part of the stress I’m feeling… what if I absolutely fail to measure up? The last time my ego was beaten to a bloody pulp (by a friend, not in a professional situation), it took me over a year to build myself back up again. I’m still not the person I was. Of course rejection by someone I don’t know, for a job position, will be a different kind of ego damage–not nearly as hurtful I’m sure–but the truth is I don’t know how it will affect me. So yes, I’m incredibly lucky that my livelihood is not at stake, but it’s not like I don’t risk anything in applying for a new job.

It doesn’t help that my husband is also stressed at work, and when he’s stressed he totally shuts down. I have had no one to talk to about any of this, it just roils around in my head (compounded, evidently, by premenstrual hormones).

But now my period is here, and I have a touchstone I can return to: You will know what choice to make if one is presented to you. It’s what I keep telling myself. And even if it’s not necessarily true, I think I can make myself believe it.

I do find myself making a lot more of these decisions than most people probably do. Am I focusing on the wrong thing if money will be as big a factor in my decision as I suspect it will be? Am I destined to make myself miserable by not changing my spending habits to give me more freedom of choice when it comes to how much I make? Do I have the right goals? Am I too afraid of change? Am I too dependent on the security of my current position? I have never had to answer these questions before. I wonder if falling into my position in the way I did denied me the opportunity to explore these important questions a long time ago. It’s a lot harder now that I’m older and have become accustomed to a certain way of life.

And yes, the realization that my Spanish is not where I thought it was has been a blow. But the truth is I haven’t invested much in it since my son was born. It definitely took a backseat to, well, everything, for about three years. Now I finally have the mental capacity to focus on it again. And I can make choices to improve, if that is what I really want to do. Working with L is so helpful, and I like her as a person, which makes our time “together” very pleasant. I have some plans in place. I can get there, or at least get damn close. I just need to commit. Having something to focus on besides my spending and the state of my house will be good for me.

So I’m feeling a lot more… cognizant of what is going on in my head today. That makes everything feel a little more manageable. I know I will get through these next two months, and at the end of them I will have a better idea of what the next school year will look like. I’ll get there, it just takes time. 

Work/Teaching

A dream out of reach

Posted on by noemikjames / 13 Comments

It has always been my dream to speak Spanish fluently. To be really and truly fluent. I know I will never sound like a native speaker–I’ll never fully shed my accent–but I want to speak the language with the ease of a native speaker, and with the ability to fully express who I am, without losing parts of myself in translation.

I really felt like I was getting close, but after a month of sessions with my tutor in Guatemala, I doubt I’m ever going to get there.

And the reality is, I won’t get there. Not if I don’t live in a Spanish speaking country for a long period of time. At least a year. Two would be better. If I never do that, I won’t achieve the level of fluency that I dream of. It will always be just out of my reach.

The problem is, my husband isn’t all that interested in living in a Spanish speaking country for a year. He is happy where he is. He was born in this city. He has lived his life in this city. He wants to die in the city. He has no desire to go anywhere else.

The thought of living here until I die makes my skin crawl. 

I wonder if this is what ultimately will drive us apart.

The thing is, I’m okay living apart for a year or two, if that is what it takes. It will suck, yes. It will be hard, definitely. But I’m willing to do it. Of course I’m willing to do it because it gives me something I really want. I can imagine I’d be a lot less enthusiastic if I were doing it to appease my spouse.

I think that was what was ultimately getting down last week. The sessions with my tutor have been so eye opening, in a ton of negative ways. It turns out that while I can chat with my kids about all the same shit every day, I can’t express myself adequately in a million other kinds of conversations. Also, it turns out I make a lot more mistakes than I realized, and I catch a lot of my own mistakes.

I’ve been doubling down on my studies. I spend about 30 minutes every day reading a dense grammar resource and practicing precise usage. I pay careful attention to what I listen to and read, no longer content to simply understand, but desperate to cement in my own brain the foundation upon which the meaning is conveyed.

And now, as I wait to hear back about the high school jobs that I applied for, I’m terrified that it will be my Spanish that keeps me from getting a position. It’s one thing to pick a native speaker over me (which will always happen if all else–mostly teaching experience–is equal), but what if I don’t get the job because I just don’t have a high enough command of the language?

For the first time in my life, I’ve seriously considered studying for another single subject credential. Maybe I would make a good math teacher… They are always looking for math teachers…

It’s hard. I fell into a teaching position that was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it allowed me to teach something I love, and was still learning, and kept me interested. A curse because how and where I can teach it is constrained by my own limitations.

I can NEVER be the ideal candidate for any Spanish teaching job I apply for. That’s a sobering thought.

It’s also hard because I have no one to talk to about this stuff. It’s such a weird situation, so unique. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t feel they could teach what they wanted because their command of the material limited them. There are plenty of non-native Spanish speakers in the world, but they all seem to be a lot more fluent than I am.

It’s all making me feel so hopeless. Should I abandon this course and start off in a new direction? I don’t want to do that, but I also don’t want to stay where I am. I’m ready to move on. I can’t teach this low level Spanish my whole life. I feel stagnant, and frustrated, and sad.

Is this yet another goal I will never achieve? Another dream I’ll be chase after my whole life, but never quite catch? Like minimalism, and financial responsibility, will I always be striving for something and never feeling like I’ve achieved it?

 A dream always out of reach…