Connection/Identity/Infertility

Babies

Posted on by noemikjames / 9 Comments

My sister-in-law had her baby this morning. The friend I had to sever ties with did too (our mutual friend let me know). My best friend is being induced tomorrow. Another friend is due next week.

Lots of babies. So very many babies.

I wonder if babies will ever stop conjuring such complicated emotions in me. First and foremost, I am always SO RELIEVED that they have arrived safely. A tangible weight is lifted from my heart every time.

I am also very excited to be a honest-to-god aunt. My sister will not be having kids (her choice) so my SIL’s kid(s) will be my only real niece(s) and nephew(s). Of course I consider my cousins’ kids like nieces and nephews, but there is something special about the real thing. I’m really excited, and feel very grateful, that I get to play the role of aunt to someone.

But there are other feelings too. More complicated and confusing feelings. And this is coming from someone who got the amount of kids she ultimately wanted, and is happy to be past the baby and toddler phase. That’s why I’m always so surprised by how weirdly I react to new babies in my life. Blerg.

Am I the only one who has complicated feelings about new babies? If you have any insights for me, I’m all ears…

 

Identity/Work/Teaching

Too Much

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

I’m sure it can seem sometimes, like I accomplish a lot. And maybe I do. But it definitely comes at a price, and sometimes that price is high.

This past week was really rough. It turns out I really suck at “taking it easy.” There are so many things that need to happen right now, so that future goals can be met, and I found myself attempting to do them despite orders from my doctor to rest.

In the end it all was too much and everything went off the rails. I ended up losing my temper, twice, with my family in ways that were absolutely unacceptable. My kids were scared, my husband was angry and I was ashamed. I had to have some hard conversations and hear some difficult things. I had to face the fact that I can’t actually do everything I want to do right now, that something, perhaps multiple things, are going to have to give.

I’m reconsidering my priorities right now. Being more honest with myself about what is possible this year. I’m gaining the trust of my family back, after having betrayed it so egregiously.

I’m putting this out there because I read a lot of blogs by women who seem to manage it all, and well. I wonder sometimes if I’m proliferating a similar message when I mention all the stuff I do. Because I can get a shit ton of stuff done. But it takes its toll. The stress eventually becomes too great and the pressure releases, usually in a way that makes me feel guilty and ashamed. It’s not a healthy way to live my life, and it’s certainly not sustainable. It’s absolutely not want I want to be modeling for my kids.

And I want to be honest about that here. Because taking on as much as I do isn’t necessarily the right choice. I may have good intentions, but that doesn’t excuse my behavior when I can’t deal with the stress. I need to be honest with myself about what I can manage, and I need to learn to say no. I don’t want to perpetuate the story that women can manage it all, and with a smile. Because I can’t. And it’s okay if you can’t either.

 

Identity/Life

My house is a shithole

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

It’s interesting how the prospect of renting out my house is making me look at it through new eyes. Sometimes I notice a charming detail here or there, but most of the time I am struck by its faults, which feel… significant… and surprising.

Most of the time I am reminded that we live in, well, a shithole.

I mean, it’s not really a shithole, except it kind of is. We clearly have a high threshold for tolerating crap. We don’t mind much when things don’t look nice, or work very well. We’d much rather just let it go than spend the time or money to improve it. We are lazy. And cheap. And after six years, it’s noticeable.

Except I didn’t really notice it, at least not the breadth and scope of it. I didn’t notice how many things were kind of messed up, and how many spaces looked like shit. Now the stuff I need to fix is all I see.

It doesn’t help that the house, at its foundation, really is a piece of crap. Every expense was spared, as I like to say. If there was a way to spend less — use lower quality materials and less skilled labor — they went with it. Sometimes it feels like the thing is coming apart at the seams.

Obviously we aren’t going to do any big improvement projects just to rent this place out on AirBnB, but I am doing little things, here and there, to make it look nicer. I’m actually excited at the prospect of sprucing the place up a bit. I’ve always wanted to do a lot of these projects, but I never had the impetus until now.

Maybe, by the the time we actually invite people to stay here, it will feel less like  a shithole, and more like a home.

Uncategorized

Taking it easy

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

The procedure went well. At least I think it did. I was super out of it when my doctor debriefed me at the end.

I’ve been trying really hard to take it easy. The point of this procedure was to remove non-healing tissue and I’m supposed to be giving what’s left every opportunity to heal. But it’s hard. I have two young kids and staying in bed all day for a week is absolutely not in the cards for me. I worry I’m overdoing it and the whole procedure will have been for naught.

It doesn’t help that I have so much going on. It seems like all these big projects in my life require immense pushes in effort right now. It was probably a mistake to schedule this thing for this month, but I suppose there is never a convenient time to be convalescing.

My husband came back last night, and that should help. My mom is coming today to help me around the house and that should help as well. Friday I have a follow up appointment with my doctor and I’m anxious to hear what she has to say.

I really hope this worked. Right now I’m fighting the fear that it will all end up being a waste of time, and I’ll be left on the other side with the same chronic pain and no remaining avenues for resolution.

Uncategorized

The Procedure

Posted on by noemikjames / 13 Comments

Tomorrow I’m having a procedure done that is supposed to resolve the scar tissue that never healed properly after my first vaginal birth resulted in a third degree tear.

I’m calling it a procedure. My doctor, and the hospital, are calling it a surgery. I will be put under, but might not have to be intubated.

I’ve never been put under before. Not when I had all four of my impacted wisdom teeth removed. Not when they filed off the roots of my toenails in the hopes of preventing chronic in-grown toenails. There is definitely a part of me that wonders why excising a small amount of skin, and giving me a shot of Botox, requires putting me under but I’m going to trust my doctor on this one.

I am nervous. More nervous than I thought I’d be. I’ve been kind of wreck all week. I’m nervous to be put under, for any complications that might arise from the anesthesia. I’m worried I’ll feel sick afterward. I’m dreading not being able to work out for 2-4 weeks (working out is how I manage my anxiety). But mostly I’m terrified that this won’t work, that my chronically painful scar tissue, which reopens and bleeds every time I have sex, will still cause me pain and that I won’t have any more options. Or hope.

I’ve been reading, for the first time, mainstream articles in big publications about pain during sex. I’m glad they are finally being written, circulated, and read. There is almost no conversation around the lasting effects vaginal births can have on a woman’s body, even when they are successful and free of complications. I have prolapse and unresolved scar tissue and both effect of my life daily. The physical ramifications of my two vaginal births are constants in my life. They never went away. And now I’m hoping to resolve one, but I’m not sure it will work.

We put vaginal birth up on a pedestal and never talk about the possible long-term consequences, beyond poking fun at maybe peeing a little when you sneeze.

But I will tell you that chronic pain during sex is nothing to sneeze at. It sucks. And it may never go away.

I’m really hoping, that after tomorrow, it eventually will.

Identity/Parenting & Family

Losing some of my (considerable) privilege

Posted on by noemikjames / 13 Comments

Privilege can manifest in many ways. Privilege is being able to afford childcare (sometimes literally every day!) Privilege is having family nearby, especially when they are willing and able to watch your kids. I have been incredibly privileged to have my in-laws living in the same city since our first child was born. They provided part-time (until 1pm) childcare for us for 3 years (one for our daughter and two for our son). They picked up our son from childcare when I had meetings at my daughter’s school. They used to take our daughter for a spend the night almost every weekend. They frequently cared for our sick kids so neither of us had to take off work (this was always a LIFE SAVER). And while they would never take both of our children at the same time (so we could go out together), we relied on their help heavily.

I’m sure we took their willingness to watch our kids for granted. We had never experienced life without them.

Now they are moving to Texas (tomorrow!) to help their daughter with her first born. We are about to lose our childcare privilege.

And I find myself thinking all kinds of weird and clearly warped things. Turns out, it sucks to lose my privilege, and I’m creating all kinds of stories about why it’s not fair. These aren’t my parents and this isn’t my extended family and yet… I have found all kinds of ways to lay claim on what has never actually been mine. It’s a strange and disconcerting thing, and I don’t like seeing this side of myself. I seriously am dealing with a raging case of entitlement over here. I’m trying to remain open and curious, to not immediately judge my thoughts so that I might actually learn from them, but it’s hard.

We forfeited some of our privilege when we chose to send our daughter to a struggling school in San Francisco. I wrestle with that choice every single day, wondering constantly if it was the right one. But that choice was ultimately ours, and we still maintain the privilege of knowing how to work the system if we are ever truly unsatisfied. If we suddenly lost that privilege, if someone took it away from us, I can promise you my reaction would not be pretty.

It’s interesting, these very tangible experiences of recognizing my privilege enough to realize my inappropriate reactions to losing pieces of it, but not being able to check it enough to ease the feelings of bitterness and injustice.

I’m trying to use all of this to find empathy for those people who are so afraid of losing their advantages in a system that made those advantages feel like inalienable rights that they persecute entire races or religions. I’m trying to hold on to this feeling of seeing something I know is actually totally fair and having it feel so very unfair. Maybe someday I will be able to use all of this to better understand someone, to empathize so that I can see where they are coming from, and they can better understand my point of view.

I don’t know. Maybe some day.

{Obviously the situation with my ILs is very complicated, but I can’t and won’t discuss details on this blog as it is absolutely not my story to tell. I’m just trying to write about how all this is affecting me, to tell my part of the story without betraying anyone else’s.}

Parenting & Family

Is all screen time the same?

Posted on by noemikjames / 14 Comments

Actually, I know the answer to that question. For me, at least, the answer is unequivocally no. All screen time is definitely NOT the same.

The real question then becomes, how do I determine how much screen time is too much, when so much of what my kids do with screens feel very valuable to me? I definitely don’t feel that setting a hard limit on any kind of screen time makes sense. What algorithm, instead, should take its place?

For me, “screen time” – that terrifying mind-stealer we’re all afraid of and are determined to limit, is the television (or shows on any other kind of screen). Anything that requires ZERO interaction from my kids is, in my mind, “screen time.” We generally allow two 22 minutes shows a night (so each kid can pick one) and a movie (or 3 shows) on the weekend. I use this time to get dinner ready and generally unpack myself once we get home. I also use it to sit the fuck down for 10-15 minutes and take a break.

I’m not a big fan of this screen time, but I appreciate what it provides for me. And for my children, actually, because I know they need to unwind too. Still, I wish we were spending less time in front of the TV.

One step up, albeit a small step, from the TV are fun games on the iPad (or now my daughter’s Kindle). We never had a fun game (one that doesn’t teach or reinforce a skill and provides zero intellectual stimulation) until my son was born. Now we have quite a few. He likes LEGO Juniors and LEGO City, and he used to love the Thomas Tracks game. He is much less likely to want to play the math or literacy games his sister grew up playing. It’s frustrating, but as he’s 4-years-old and a second child (and impossible to negotiate with) I generally let it go.

My daughter has always played educational games, and while she likes to play the LEGO games with her brother, she rarely plays them by herself. But now her after school has “tech time” on Fridays (which is primarily why we got her a Kindle) and she gets to see all the vapid games other kids play. Her new obsession is Hair Salon 3, which she could play for ages.

I consider this kind of screen time the same as TV watching, but I feel a little less guilty about it because it requires interaction, creativity, decision making and even some problem solving. It can also present opportunities to deal with failure and frustration, which my 4yo especially needs. I’m actually trying to swap out one of the nightly TV shows for this kind of device time because I think it’s a little more productive and it provides a less volatile atmosphere for negotiating who gets to pick the one TV show (if they’ve gotten their pick of a game, it is easier to concede the episode-picking power).

Then there are the educational games, especially the ones that teach basic math or literacy skills. I absolutely believe my daughter has gained a great deal of number sense and literacy skill from apps we have. I think my son does too. They are also fun! I consider these games a couple of significant steps above TV time, and am trying hard to have them play these games instead of one of the regular TV shows each night. They are usually interested in them for about half of the time, which I consider a win.

In our house there is a special category of screen time, which consists of the Osmo games. All the Osmo games require manipulatives to play. You put the iPad in a base and slip a mirror over the camera so the apps can “see” what you place in front of the pad. Numbers has domino-style blocks of 1, 2 and 5 and also the numerals from 1-9. Words has all the letters. Tangrams has, well you can probably guess. Coding has command blocks and there is an entire suite that uses a white board with dry erase markers (what you draw actually becomes part of the games!) These games are super cool and require a lot of higher-level thinking. Plus you actually move things around in the real world. We don’t get these games out as much because they require set- and clean-up but once they are out, I generally let the kids play on them as long as they want.

Finally, I recently got a set of math games (based on recommendations in this post), that are actually teaching my daughter higher-level math concepts. She is currently half way through DragonBox Algebra 12+ (having finished the five levels of Algebra 5+ in one weekend) and she is learning to add and subtract integers, to multiply smaller numbers, to simplify fractions and ultimately to solve algebraic equations. While she can play this game alone, she’d rather play it with me, and I like to work with her so I can reinforce why dragging the 5 over makes the 6 on the other side become a 1 (she definitely gets this now but might not truly have understood it if she were playing alone). This game is a miracle-app, in my opinion, and frankly I will let my daughter play it for as long we can.

Any game, really, that we play together I consider to be more than “screen time.” My son loves the Osmo games but can’t really play them by himself. When we work together, though, he can create a coding sequence that is pretty impressive. He also loves to play The Room with me, and it’s incredibly the stuff he remembers and the connections he makes (my daughter is also really into all the Room games and can play them herself but much prefers to play them with us). Puzzle and problem solving games that we work on together feel like time really well spent. I even cherish the silly screen time we spend together, like when we mix songs on one of my husband’s many DJing apps and have dance parties or when we take pictures of each other (or our grumpy cat) and draw silly mustaches and top hats. Is that screen time I should be limiting?

Yes, I understand we could spend all day on our devices. And yes I appreciate the value of just reading a book (we do plenty of that here too) or building with magnatiles (also a favorite in our house). And I recognize that when we’re on screens the kids don’t have the chance to get bored and then eventually manage their boredom by making up an imaginative game to play together. Or even to get in an argument and then work it out (or not, and experience those consequences). And of course, when we’re on screens we are not outside. Being outside is so very, very important.

The screen time discussion, in our house, is centered almost completely around weekend use. Yes, I am trying to substitute one of our daily shows with apps and games–and that would be great–but we don’t have much time in the evenings to spend on screens so I’m not so worried about that (though watching no TV on the evenings would be preferable – that is a long-term goal). It’s the weekends when I worry about excessive screen time, and wonder how to measure the positives and negatives of the different games and apps.

My son and I get a lot of screen time in the mornings so we don’t wake up my husband or daughter (or the tenant, who lives directly below his bedroom). In the past I put him on a pad and went back to sleep, which I don’t feel bad about because an extra hour of sleep on the weekends is worth it to me. Now we play harder games together and I’ve come to cherish that time because we really are working together to achieve a goal. He really is learning something. And he really appreciates the special time with me. Do I consider that his “screen time for the day” and deny him the Saturday night movie?

My daughter and I played an hour of DragonBox Algebra while my son was napping this Saturday, and afterward she played some Hair Salon and other math games while I worked out. Is that yet another reason to not watch a movie?

We definitely watched three episodes of TV (so about an hour), but we also got outside first and rode our bikes to the library. And I eventually made my daughter stop playing on the pad and finish a chapter book in Spanish from the library. And while they watched the movie I cleaned up around the house. It feels like a decent amount of TV time, but sometimes I wonder…

I know that right now the screen time question is relatively benign. When my kids get older and social media becomes an important part of their lives, THAT is when the hard questions will be tackled. At the same time, I also know that the habits we are creating now will be harder and harder to break the longer we reinforce them. I want to start setting more specific limits and talking about what those limits mean and why they are in place. We can’t do that if we haven’t figured out what the different kinds of screen time mean to us (and I could write an entire post on my own screen time and how and why I should be setting limits). So much to consider…

How do you view screen time? What limits do you set (for yourself or your kids) and why?

Life

Showing Up

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

Today we had a PTA meeting, and like pretty much every PTA meeting, almost no one showed up. But unlike most PTA meetings, even some of my board didn’t come.

{One of them has bailed on her commitment to tomorrow night as well (we are doing our 2nd parents’ night out).}

We couldn’t get childcare so one of us was up on the yard doing that. In the end it was just three of us from the board and two general PTA members.

{So much left over food.}

It’s so easy to focus on the people who don’t show up. For me, with PTA, the list is so, so long. It can be frustrating. I show up for EVERY SINGLE parent group meeting. No one shows up for ours.

It can feel like we’re working so, so hard and nobody cares. Nobody even realizes.

Because no one shows up. Over and over again they just don’t. They don’t respond to requests for help. They don’t come to meetings or events. They just don’t. show. up.

And I know there are so many reasons, so many valid, legitimate, compelling reasons. I don’t judge anyone for not showing up. It just sucks to to be the one that does.

I was already feeling frustrated today. And I left the meeting wiped. I just felt… done.

But then I had to come up with three things I was thankful for today. For my gratitude journal.

It was one of those days where I had to dig. Deep.

A decent day at work.

Not rushed to make it to meeting.

…

All I could think of was how no one showed up.

Then I remembered I had to jot down some notes (we forgot to take them because our secretary wasn’t there!) and as I wrote down all the ideas we came up with, I was struck by how lucky I was that one of the two women came today. She used to be PTA president and always participates in the big events, and yet none of us thought to contact her as we were planning. But she showed up with a bunch of ideas and suggestions and offers to help. And I knew when she said she’d do something that it would actually get done. And her idea for creating a competition among the classes for which one sells the most raffle tickets is awesome.

And suddenly I realized the thing I’m most grateful for today is the women who did show up. Because they were both great and we got a lot done and I feel better about the spring fundraiser than I did before, and it was actually a super productive use of my time – way more productive than it would have been if a bunch of random people came. Suddenly the people who showed up were perfect, and the people who didn’t show up didn’t matter one bit.

So today I’m grateful for the people who show up. Thank you.

…

{I also realized that I’m jealous that everyone else CAN just not show up. I simply don’t have that option. I can’t not show up at PTA meetings (they would probably be canceled if I did) and I can’t just not show up to Fun Nights (I provide almost everything). I just can’t not show up. And that can feel incredibly exhausting. It’s a lot of pressure, and right now I’m not handling it well. I think I need to find some ways to not show up, in whatever little ways I can.}

Uncategorized

Running Again

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

It’s hard to get on the elliptical machine in the evenings after picking up the kids. Instead I’ve been trying to run once a week before I pick them up. This requires I change at work and leave almost immediately, but when I can make it happen I am so happy. I always feel amazing after I run. I definitely get that endorphin high. The beautiful scenery and gorgeous weather are icing on the cake these days.

It’s good to be running again.

Identity/Parenting & Family

Rite of Passage

Posted on by noemikjames / 11 Comments

Sunday afternoon I had the great honor of running along side my daughter, trying to keep her from falling off her bike as she shakily attempted to ride it for the first time without training wheels. Back and forth across the deserted black top she rode and I ran.

She did a great job. She never did manage to ride without me holding her up, but she tried over and over again, never getting frustrated or despairing, never asking to quit. We stopped, rested and started again. When she did manage to pedal a few times without me holding her so carefully, she was elated.

I was so proud.

And even though we left without that victorious moment when I let go and she rode away from me, a shiny new skill acquired, it felt like a parenting rite of passage.

I never gave much thought to teaching my kids how to ride a bike. It was not one of those parenting moments I was waiting to cherish. But in the end, it is something I will hold close and remember forever. Just like I’ll never forget the day she rides away from me without looking back.

I left the playground with a feeling of profound satisfaction, not because we had manage to get my daughter on her bike, but instead because I was reminded yet again how much more I like parenting these days, how it finally seems to fit me in many of the ways I expected. I always loved little kids, and caring for them was my job for over a decade, so I was surprised (and somewhat terrified) when parenting babies and toddlers was not the wondrous experience I was expecting. When, in fact, I didn’t seem to enjoy it much at all.

But in much the same way I sensed, when I was an unhappy teen and dissatisfied twenty-something, that I’d be more content as I got older, I guessed that parenting older children would fit me better as well. And I was right. Every year my daughter gets older and I enjoy parenting more. Now we can do all the things I was so excited to do together. Now we can share the books and the movies I couldn’t wait to read and watch again. Now we can have the conversations that make me think and feel profoundly. Or just laugh really hard at something hilarious.

I am thankful every day that I’m mostly passed the toddler years. My son still has his moments, and I have to remind myself a lot that he’s only four (he’s easily the size of a five or even six year old), but even he is growing up, and soon both my kids will be school aged, and life will be glorious.

Or at the very least, a lot more fun.

Which season of life have you most enjoyed?