Every day, for nine days, I’ve worked. I’ve worked whenever I had a moment, I’ve worked when I didn’t really have a moment. I’ve cleaned, and organized, and gathered, and donated, and thrown away, and cleaned some more. Preparing the house is all I’ve really thought about for the last nine days.
I am so tired.
I just want this to be over.
And tomorrow night, it will be. Even if it’s not all done, I will be done. 24 hours and I can go to sleep and then my husband can finish the rest.
24 hours.
Last night I had a mini-panic attack and spent about 30 minutes writing a list of everything I need to do before we leave on Wednesday. My hope was that if I had it all written down I could stop worrying about forgetting tasks and just get on with completing them. And it did relieve the anxiety I’ve felt about forgetting to do an important thing. But the length of the list overwhelms me, especially when I spend an hour doing something important and it never even made it on the list.
My kids are also around making messes, and right now I don’t have time to clean up new messes on top of all the old ones.
It makes sense that I’m panicked. I know why I feel this way, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to accept the feelings and just move on. Right now I’m working out in the hopes that some endorphins will do me good.
The good news is that we leave Thursday morning, our guests don’t come until Monday afternoon, and my husband is around until Sunday. He can do the stuff that doesn’t get done. I can also write a note for the cleaning lady to pay closer attention to certain areas if I’m not able to clean them in the way I wanted, like the entry way.
But then I do dumb shit like tweak my shoulder so badly that I can’t turn my neck and I have to make a last minute appointment with the chiropractor (all the way down by my work) that only kind of makes it feel better. True story. It killed my productivity this afternoon.
Or I don’t realize I just cut my hand and get blood on the new WHITE bed skirt I’m loading into the dryer, so I have to scrub out the stain and send it back through the washer to rinse and spin it again before I can put it on the bed. Another true story.
Despite the detours, I still managed to cross quite a few things off my list today, but I worry it’s not enough. Tomorrow I tackle the garage, and once that’s done I hope I’ll feel better about everything else.
I’ve already started a list of the things my husband is going to do. It’s definitely a relief to have him as a back up.
T minus 2 days to get this place in shape!
I didn’t do much on the house this weekend. Sometimes I think I just might pull this off, other times it will never work.
Either way, I’m losing steam. It’s hard to muster the enthusiasm.
I did do some organizing, and made some finishing touches on the house manual. I dropped more stuff off at Goodwill and my classroom. I sold a piece of furniture on Craigslist. I ran some errands. I cleaned some window sills. My biggest accomplishment was the refrigerator, which I cleaned for the first time since we moved in six years ago (I am evidently okay living, and storing my food, in filth). It took me 2.5 hours and now it’s done. It was an especially stressful item on my must-do list, so I’m relieved to cross it off.
I also saw The Incredibles 2 with my family. And took my kids to their last swim lesson (at least for a while). My husband and I had brunch on Saturday. I picked up my kids’ at my parents’ house. I watched the season finale of Westworld (and then read a ton of articles in my attempts to understand it).
My husband’s back is still bad (it almost starting spasming at brunch), which means I’m also managing the kids alone, and doing all my husbands’ stuff on top of my own. It’s been an intense weekend.
There are only three days before we leave. I still have so much work to do on the house. I need to pack. I need to get my allergy shot and my daughter needs to take her deep water test. The kids and I have to get our yellow fever vaccinations. Neither of them are in camps or daycare this week, but my in-laws are going to help me out. I’m probably not getting much sleep in the next three days, but Thursday morning it will all be over. Here’s hoping I make it.
I started the second season of The Handmaid’s Tale last week. I’m quite a few episodes in.
I watch it by myself, but frequently my husband is in the room while it’s on. He can’t understand why I like it. He thinks it’s the saddest show, devoid of any kind of happiness of hope. He calls it Misery Porn.
(I have to admit, I love that name. It is fitting.)
I wonder sometimes, why I watch it. It is hard. Sometimes very hard. (There was one episode that triggered the pregnancy loss survivor inside me in a way I didn’t think could be triggered anymore). With all that is going on in the real world, you’d think I’d want something lighter during my free time. But maybe it’s all the crazy shit happening that makes me want to watch something as intense as The Handmaid’s Tale. Maybe I appreciate seeing the fucked-upedness of reality reflected in what I watch.
Maybe I’m just a masochist.
I am struck by how my… fertility history colors my feelings about the show. I’m especially conflicted in my feelings surrounding Serena (June’s “Martha,” who cannot have children of her own). Sometimes I express empathy toward her, and her past, but my husband is always quick to correct me. No sympathy for fascists! It’s a fair point, and yet… life is complicated.
I know I could (should?) say more about the show, but if I try I may never publish this post…
My mom came again today. And again she was amazing. For the first time I actually think we might make it to the finish line.
I have gotten rid of SO MUCH STUFF. On my first visit to Goodwill I had make five trips back to the car to unload it all. Today I took two more bike loads there. I’ve dropped off a car load of stuff to the PTA room at my daughter’s school. Tomorrow I’m taking some stuff to my classroom. All the stuff that has been hiding in boxes, or closets, or behind furniture is getting the boot (a few select items, like my yoga and exercise map are staying). Clothes and shoes that have not been worn in a while are out too. Tons of books and toys are being donated. We really are purging a lot of stuff.
I know we could get rid of more, but I do think we’re making good progress.
Of course my husband threw out his back this morning. He was supposed to help tomorrow (my mom took the kids tonight!) but now he’ll just be a lump on the couch. This is frustrating, but I’m hoping it will mean I can get rid of more of his stuff without him even going through it. Guilt might just work in my favor for once. 😉
I’ve gotten two sets of all new sheets for each bed (thank you AmazonBasics!) and comforters for my kids’ beds (they sleep with weighted blankets that will be stored). I bought sets of the Costco Hospitality bath towels, hand towels and washcloths – they are in the washing machine now. I have a lock to make the key available (to someone with the code) on the gate. I think I have everything I need.
I’ve made some small improvements around the house, and I’m really excited about all of them, which makes me wonder why I needed to AirBnB my house to do this stuff. Most of it is little, and were on my “to do” list for a while, so I’m not doing them specifically because we’re having guests, it’s more like I’m FINALLY doing them because we’re having guests. I put up a little shelf above my son’s bunk bed (for his lamp), and attached some small lamps to the mantel above our bed (this is such a small detail but it makes me so happy). I got rid of the broken lamp behind the couch (and may try to replace it, as I’ve been wanting to do for over a year), and bought a new orchid for my room.
The thing I’m most excited about is the indoor lint kit I finally bought for the dryer. For six years I’ve done laundry in a space covered by a fine (or not so fine, depending on when I last cleaned it) layer of lint because the indoor lint kit they originally installed with the dryer was a broken piece of crap and lint dust would fly around the garage every time I used the dryer. I didn’t know if there were a better alternative, and for some reason I never tried to find out. Earlier this week I finally googled “indoor lint kit” and found a reasonably priced one on Amazon. It came today and I installed it and I am SO EXCITED to not have a laundry space covered in lint. Why did it take me so long to remedy a problem what was so easy to fix?!
Part of why I committed to AirBnBing my house is because I wanted to love it again, and I knew that loving it again would require some seriously work. I also knew that I wouldn’t do that work for myself; I needed an external impetus to make real changes in my living space. I’m so glad to finally have the motivation I needed to make those changes. The money we’ll be making also helps me spend the money needed to improve the problem areas.
The reality is, this is a nice little house. It’s not too big, but we use the space well. I really hope people like staying here. But no matter what they think of it, I know I’m going to love coming home to a clean, clutter-free house.
Yesterday I didn’t get much done on the house because I had to check in on my application at the office of short-term rentals. Turns out no one has even been assigned to my application yet (60+ days after submitting it). It’s a good thing you can host people while you’re waiting to be approved.
Today I worked mostly in the garage, which is absolutely disgusting. The level of grime I’m willing to live with is… shameful. My mother is an impeccably clean and neat person; the fact that she raised someone who falls so completely on the other side of the spectrum is… disappointing. I wish I were more like her.
I’m currently deep in the “messier before neater” phase, which is a tough slog. (My husband keeps reminding me “it’s always darkest before the dawn,” which I know is too dramatic but still seems fitting. 😉 I know it will get better, but climbing my way out of this particular valley is especially challenging for me, because what’s left out is the stuff I’m not quite sure what to do with, and my ADHD makes that kind of mess really hard for me to tackle. My mom is coming again tomorrow and I hope she can keep my focused and on task so I don’t end up puttering around, just moving things from one spot to another without ever finding them a home.
Maybe at some point I should just put it all in a bag and pitch it. Wouldn’t that be liberating?
Have to head to bed now but wanted to get something up. Better late and never.
My mom came today and cleaned my house from 9am to 5pm without stopping once. She didn’t even eat lunch.
She deep cleaned the back room (our dining room) and the kitchen, both of which were very much in need of my mom’s cleaning super powers.
The woman literally did not stop cleaning that whole time. I was technically also working during those hours, but I would putter along for a bit here and there, or spend more time than necessary in the bathroom during a routine visit. I would have collapsed from exhaustion hours earlier, but the fact that she was still cleaning behind the pantry shamed me into working until she was done.
The kitchen is now clean and organized, except for the top of the island (which is always a shit show), the pantry, and the fridge. All the drawers and cabinets have been emptied, cleaned and organized. All the cabinets exteriors and appliances have been cleaned. Even under the sink looks great. It looks amazing in there.
The back room looks amazing too. I wish we didn’t have to use either room again until after our trip.
I worked on my daughter’s room, which is always a disaster area. I consolidated four giant art boxes that lived in different rooms around the house into one large box of supplies and one smaller box of paper products. I recycled a MASSIVE box of old art work and other projects in various states of undone and threw away some art supplies we are clearly never going to need. I used space that used to be dedicated to art to house some stuff from my daughter’s room that won’t be out while we’re away, so there was only one small tub of her toys to put into storage (not counting her LEGOs – those are all going into a massive bin together). I’m packing away her school uniforms (black bottoms and white tops) to make drawer space for guests. I also made space in her closet for all the new sheets so that the cleaners can find them to change the beds while we’re gone.
After my mom left I took 10 big bags to Goodwill. The trunk and back seat of my car were full. Now I have a large bag of trash to take to my work dumpster (our new trash cans are super small with a false bottom so they only fit one bag of kitchen trash – anything extra needs to be tossed ourselves) and some smaller bags to drop off with a friend. I also need to take some stuff up to my daughter’s school, to store in the PTA room.
Tomorrow I hope to get my bedroom in order, and work on the bathroom. Both need a lot of work.
I’m not sure when I’m going to tackle the garage. Just thinking about it gives me a panic attack.
But it has to get done. It all has to get done. And I feel better for what I’ve already done. And so, so thankful for all the help I’m getting from my mom.
I keep seeing trailers on Viceland for The Purge. Evidently it’s the 4th or 5th movie in the series (but it’s maybe a prequel?), and yet I’ve never heard of it before. So I have no idea if I’m referencing something horrible when I use that title, but it’s what I say in my head (in that deep, movie trailer voice) when I think about tackling my house, so it’s what I’m going to use here.
As I get rid of stuff (or simply glance around at all the stuff I still need to decide if I’m going to get rid of), I’m struck by how many poor purchasing-decisions I’ve made in my life. So many dollars spent on things I don’t need, on things I NEVER needed, not even at the time.
There are many themes to the ill-advised accumulation of shit, but the number one theme is that I hoped it would make my life easier. No, I didn’t hope, I was sure. So much junk bought to pass the time more quickly with my kids (or help them to pass it alone without me). So many toys and chotchkies purchased to avoid a meltdown to just keep us on a tight schedule. I always wanted to do too much, and I wanted to make the doing of too much easier.
My kids are older now, and I don’t worry so much about filling the hours of an afternoon. I don’t buy so many things that I don’t need because I think they will make my life easier. And as I get rid of the many things we now do have, I am reminded that no purchase exists in a vacuum. The price you pay is not just the dollars spent (and the resources expended), but the space in your house and energy required to manage it, and then eventually give it away (or throw it away, which is always the steepest price to pay). So much time and energy. So many resources. The price of everything that comes into our home is so high.
I have a lot more to write about how I spend my money, and why I accumulate so much stuff (enrichment for my kids and buying something for the person I wish I were are the #2 and #3 impetuses for spending and I have a LOT to say on both those subjects), but the topics deserves a lot more thought and reflection. I’m trying to write more this summer, because I know the blogosphere gets stuck in the doldrums during the summer months and I haven’t been pulling my weight as a blogger so I hope to make up for that in June, July and August. I also assume I’ll be dredging up a lot of big feelings as I purge more and more of my stuff, and I’ll need to process it.
So I hope to be writing more. And pressing “publish” more. And responding to comments more. And just being in this space more.
See you again soon!
Today was my last day of what was probably one of the hardest school years of my professional life. I am so relieved that it’s over.
Yesterday was actually the last day with the kids. Today was for packing and moving back into my old room.
I packed up my stuff really quickly, mostly because I did a shitty, half-assed job, but it was all I had in me today. Next year I’ll have lots more stuff to move from cabinets around the campus, but today I got the bare minimum done so I could check-out for the summer. The most exciting part was handing in the 4 extra keys I won’t need next year because I’ll be getting my room back.
I will still be on two campuses though, and that sucks. I’m taking the victories where I can get them, and getting my room back on my main campus is a major victory.
Now I can focus on my house. I have 12 days to get it ready to AirBnB. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to manage it, but it has to get done. I’ve already started prioritizing projects, and the list of things I’d like to accomplish but that probably won’t get done is growing longer every day.
This weekend is all about getting rid of some larger items. Today I took my nice desk chair to school, since I don’t have a desk for it at home and it’s become a giant distraction in its home near our dinner table (my son loves to spin in it instead of eating his meal). This Sunday a friend will be taking my daughter’s bed rail (why was it still up on her captain’s bed – she is eight?!), the little slide in my son’s room and the sand table in the back room. So excited to say good-bye to all that stuff.
Then I have to start culling and parting with other things. I don’t have much time to go through it all, and everything that isn’t staying will have to be carted to either my in-laws’ or my parents’ houses, and then carted back. I hope that is impetus enough to just get rid of stuff on the spot.
Next Friday is my son’s last day at preschool. I am SO EXCITED to say good-bye to that place. I am sending our nap mats to a friend in New York that weekend and donating all his uniform clothes (the ones without giant holes) on our last Friday. We’ve been paying that preschool $550 (for my daughter) to $750 (for my son) every two weeks for SIX YEARS. I am so excited to not see that line item on my credit card bill 2-3 times a month moving forward.
My kids are growing up and getting big!
My husband did decide to come to Colombia for part of our trip and we bought his ticket yesterday. It was way more than I wanted to spend, but I am VERY relieved to have some back-up during what will surely be a chaotic leg of our journey. I am especially excited for him to come to the beach with us – and to help us hike the 45-90 minutes in and out of the national park where we will be snorkeling.
There is more to report but my time on the elliptical is almost over. I hope to write more next week.
Happy weekend!
West medicine can do a lot of incredible things. This is not a post to deride western medicine as a whole. Vaccines especially are proof of western medicines ability to save and improve lives on a vast scale. Yes, western medicine can do incredible things, but there are so many areas in which it is ineffective, if not detrimental. Not surprisingly, a lot of those areas fall into the domain of women’s health, especially of the reproductive variety.
I am not going to begin this post with a discussion on how western medicine has been focused on men and the male body and how that probably has a lot to do with its abject failure when it comes to so many aspects of women’s health. That could be a post — or book! — in and of itself (both of which have been written many times by writers more capable than myself. Instead I’m going to focus on how western medicine has failed me, personally, yet again.
I’m going to see my doctor about my worsening uterine prolapse next Monday. I don’t have high hopes that she’ll be able to offer me any kind of help, mostly I’m just trying to get a different pessary that actually helps me for the days when my cervix is actually protruding out of my vagina (yes, that is a regular occurrence these days), and for when I’m working out. Pessaries are one of four basic forms options that women are offered when they seek help from western medicine for prolapse. The other three options are physical therapy, surgery (which most western doctors admit has a limited success rate initially, and an abysmal success rate long term) and nothing. Most women are told to just grin and bear it when they come in with symptoms of uterine organ prolapse.
I have been to physical therapy, but it wasn’t very helpful and I was given no advice on modifying exercise or basic daily functions.
I have been given a pessary, but it not comfortable, makes it impossible for me to have a bowel movement (this is not supposed to be a side effect) and now that my prolapse has worsened considerably, it is totally ineffective (it pushes into a position parallel with my cervix instead of remaining perpendicular with my cervix to keep in away from my vaginal opening).
There are other pessaries available (different shapes) and hopefully one will work for me. But it is not really a long term solution. Not surprisingly, vaginas don’t love to have a silicone instrument left in them for days at a time. The side effects of long term pessary use include obstructed bowl movements, lesions, infection and general discomfort. Yay western medicine!
Knowing that my doctor will have little help to give me on Monday, I’ve been doing a lot of research into alternative ways to manage prolapse symptoms. Evidently something as simple as adjusting my posture can alleviate symptoms. There are also a lot of exercises to avoid (all the ones I was previously doing) and other exercises to do instead. I’m really frustrated that no one (not my doctor or physical therapist) mentioned altering common exercises, because my symptoms DEFINITELY got worse once I started doing push ups and crunches again (both big no-no’s). If this is common knowledge (in the field), why would they not share it with me when I was constantly talking about wanting to start exercising again?!
Some crazy high percentage of women have some prolapse symptoms, at least later in life, even if they’ve never had kids. It’s also worsens over time for pretty much anyone who has it. This is a condition that so many women deal with, and yet it’s never talked about in our culture, and western medicine has very few effective ways of managing it. It’s so frustrating to see women’s health being given the shaft yet again. I just hope I can find some relief, because I’m only 37 and already my prolapse is already quite advanced. If other interventions don’t work my doctors will push for surgery, even when they know it’s won’t be effective. I’ve already had one surgery on my lady bits that did nothing but worsen the situation, and I have no intention of doing that again.