Life/Minimalism

Day 5 of The Purge: Getting There

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

My mom came again today. And again she was amazing. For the first time I actually think we might make it to the finish line.

I have gotten rid of SO MUCH STUFF. On my first visit to Goodwill I had make five trips back to the car to unload it all. Today I took two more bike loads there. I’ve dropped off a car load of stuff to the PTA room at my daughter’s school. Tomorrow I’m taking some stuff to my classroom. All the stuff that has been hiding in boxes, or closets, or behind furniture is getting the boot (a few select items, like my yoga and exercise map are staying). Clothes and shoes that have not been worn in a while are out too. Tons of books and toys are being donated. We really are purging a lot of stuff.

I know we could get rid of more, but I do think we’re making good progress.

Of course my husband threw out his back this morning. He was supposed to help tomorrow (my mom took the kids tonight!) but now he’ll just be a lump on the couch. This is frustrating, but I’m hoping it will mean I can get rid of more of his stuff without him even going through it. Guilt might just work in my favor for once. 😉

I’ve gotten two sets of all new sheets for each bed (thank you AmazonBasics!) and comforters for my kids’ beds (they sleep with weighted blankets that will be stored). I bought sets of the Costco Hospitality bath towels, hand towels and washcloths – they are in the washing machine now. I have a lock to make the key available (to someone with the code) on the gate. I think I have everything I need.

I’ve made some small improvements around the house, and I’m really excited about all of them, which makes me wonder why I needed to AirBnB my house to do this stuff. Most of it is little, and were on my “to do” list for a while, so I’m not doing them specifically because we’re having guests, it’s more like I’m FINALLY doing them because we’re having guests. I put up a little shelf above my son’s bunk bed (for his lamp), and attached some small lamps to the mantel above our bed (this is such a small detail but it makes me so happy). I got rid of the broken lamp behind the couch (and may try to replace it, as I’ve been wanting to do for over a year), and bought a new orchid for my room.

The thing I’m most excited about is the indoor lint kit I finally bought for the dryer. For six years I’ve done laundry in a space covered by a fine (or not so fine, depending on when I last cleaned it) layer of lint because the indoor lint kit they originally installed with the dryer was a broken piece of crap and lint dust would fly around the garage every time I used the dryer. I didn’t know if there were a better alternative, and for some reason I never tried to find out. Earlier this week I finally googled “indoor lint kit” and found a reasonably priced one on Amazon. It came today and I installed it and I am SO EXCITED to not have a laundry space covered in lint. Why did it take me so long to remedy a problem what was so easy to fix?!

Part of why I committed to AirBnBing my house is because I wanted to love it again, and I knew that loving it again would require some seriously work. I also knew that I wouldn’t do that work for myself; I needed an external impetus to make real changes in my living space. I’m so glad to finally have the motivation I needed to make those changes. The money we’ll be making also helps me spend the money needed to improve the problem areas.

The reality is, this is a nice little house. It’s not too big, but we use the space well. I really hope people like staying here. But no matter what they think of it, I know I’m going to love coming home to a clean, clutter-free house.

Uncategorized

Days 3 & 4 of The Purge: Darkest Before the Dawn

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

Yesterday I didn’t get much done on the house because I had to check in on my application at the office of short-term rentals. Turns out no one has even been assigned to my application yet (60+ days after submitting it). It’s a good thing you can host people while you’re waiting to be approved.

Today I worked mostly in the garage, which is absolutely disgusting. The level of grime I’m willing to live with is… shameful. My mother is an impeccably clean and neat person; the fact that she raised someone who falls so completely on the other side of the spectrum is… disappointing. I wish I were more like her.

I’m currently deep in the “messier before neater” phase, which is a tough slog. (My husband keeps reminding me “it’s always darkest before the dawn,” which I know is too dramatic but still seems fitting. 😉 I know it will get better, but climbing my way out of this particular valley is especially challenging for me, because what’s left out is the stuff I’m not quite sure what to do with, and my ADHD makes that kind of mess really hard for me to tackle. My mom is coming again tomorrow and I hope she can keep my focused and on task so I don’t end up puttering around, just moving things from one spot to another without ever finding them a home.

Maybe at some point I should just put it all in a bag and pitch it. Wouldn’t that be liberating?

Have to head to bed now but wanted to get something up. Better late and never.

Life

Day 2 of the Purge: My mom is amazing

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

My mom came today and cleaned my house from 9am to 5pm without stopping once. She didn’t even eat lunch.

She deep cleaned the back room (our dining room) and the kitchen, both of which were very much in need of my mom’s cleaning super powers.

The woman literally did not stop cleaning that whole time. I was technically also working during those hours, but I would putter along for a bit here and there, or spend more time than necessary in the bathroom during a routine visit. I would have collapsed from exhaustion hours earlier, but the fact that she was still cleaning behind the pantry shamed me into working until she was done.

The kitchen is now clean and organized, except for the top of the island (which is always a shit show), the pantry, and the fridge. All the drawers and cabinets have been emptied, cleaned and organized. All the cabinets exteriors and appliances have been cleaned. Even under the sink looks great. It looks amazing in there.

The back room looks amazing too. I wish we didn’t have to use either room again until after our trip.

I worked on my daughter’s room, which is always a disaster area. I consolidated four giant art boxes that lived in different rooms around the house into one large box of supplies and one smaller box of paper products. I recycled a MASSIVE box of old art work and other projects in various states of undone and threw away some art supplies we are clearly never going to need. I used space that used to be dedicated to art to house some stuff from my daughter’s room that won’t be out while we’re away, so there was only one small tub of her toys to put into storage (not counting her LEGOs – those are all going into a massive bin together). I’m packing away her school uniforms (black bottoms and white tops) to make drawer space for guests. I also made space in her closet for all the new sheets so that the cleaners can find them to change the beds while we’re gone.

After my mom left I took 10 big bags to Goodwill. The trunk and back seat of my car were full. Now I have a large bag of trash to take to my work dumpster (our new trash cans are super small with a false bottom so they only fit one bag of kitchen trash – anything extra needs to be tossed ourselves) and some smaller bags to drop off with a friend. I also need to take some stuff up to my daughter’s school, to store in the PTA room.

Tomorrow I hope to get my bedroom in order, and work on the bathroom. Both need a lot of work.

I’m not sure when I’m going to tackle the garage. Just thinking about it gives me a panic attack.

But it has to get done. It all has to get done. And I feel better for what I’ve already done. And so, so thankful for all the help I’m getting from my mom.

 

Life

Day 1 of The Purge

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

I keep seeing trailers on Viceland for The Purge. Evidently it’s the 4th or 5th movie in the series (but it’s maybe a prequel?), and yet I’ve never heard of it before. So I have no idea if I’m referencing something horrible when I use that title, but it’s what I say in my head (in that deep, movie trailer voice) when I think about tackling my house, so it’s what I’m going to use here.

As I get rid of stuff (or simply glance around at all the stuff I still need to decide if I’m going to get rid of), I’m struck by how many poor purchasing-decisions I’ve made in my life. So many dollars spent on things I don’t need, on things I NEVER needed, not even at the time.

There are many themes to the ill-advised accumulation of shit, but the number one theme is that I hoped it would make my life easier. No, I didn’t hope, I was sure. So much junk bought to pass the time more quickly with my kids (or help them to pass it alone without me). So many toys and chotchkies purchased to avoid a meltdown to just keep us on a tight schedule. I always wanted to do too much, and I wanted to make the doing of too much easier.

My kids are older now, and I don’t worry so much about filling the hours of an afternoon. I don’t buy so many things that I don’t need because I think they will make my life easier. And as I get rid of the many things we now do have, I am reminded that no purchase exists in a vacuum. The price you pay is not just the dollars spent (and the resources expended), but the space in your house and energy required to manage it, and then eventually give it away (or throw it away, which is always the steepest price to pay). So much time and energy. So many resources. The price of everything that comes into our home is so high.

I have a lot more to write about how I spend my money, and why I accumulate so much stuff (enrichment for my kids and buying something for the person I wish I were are the #2 and #3 impetuses for spending and I have a LOT to say on both those subjects), but the topics deserves a lot more thought and reflection. I’m trying to write more this summer, because I know the blogosphere gets stuck in the doldrums during the summer months and I haven’t been pulling my weight as a blogger so I hope to make up for that in June, July and August. I also assume I’ll be dredging up a lot of big feelings as I purge more and more of my stuff, and I’ll need to process it.

So I hope to be writing more. And pressing “publish” more. And responding to comments more. And just being in this space more.

See you again soon!

Life

School’s Out For Summer!

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

Today was my last day of what was probably one of the hardest school years of my professional life. I am so relieved that it’s over.

Yesterday was actually the last day with the kids. Today was for packing and moving back into my old room.

I packed up my stuff really quickly, mostly because I did a shitty, half-assed job, but it was all I had in me today. Next year I’ll have lots more stuff to move from cabinets around the campus, but today I got the bare minimum done so I could check-out for the summer. The most exciting part was handing in the 4 extra keys I won’t need next year because I’ll be getting my room back.

I will still be on two campuses though, and that sucks. I’m taking the victories where I can get them, and getting my room back on my main campus is a major victory.

Now I can focus on my house. I have 12 days to get it ready to AirBnB. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to manage it, but it has to get done. I’ve already started prioritizing projects, and the list of things I’d like to accomplish but that probably won’t get done is growing longer every day.

This weekend is all about getting rid of some larger items. Today I took my nice desk chair to school, since I don’t have a desk for it at home and it’s become a giant distraction in its home near our dinner table (my son loves to spin in it instead of eating his meal). This Sunday a friend will be taking my daughter’s bed rail (why was it still up on her captain’s bed – she is eight?!), the little slide in my son’s room and the sand table in the back room. So excited to say good-bye to all that stuff.

Then I have to start culling and parting with other things. I don’t have much time to go through it all, and everything that isn’t staying will have to be carted to either my in-laws’ or my parents’ houses, and then carted back. I hope that is impetus enough to just get rid of stuff on the spot.

Next Friday is my son’s last day at preschool. I am SO EXCITED to say good-bye to that place. I am sending our nap mats to a friend in New York that weekend and donating all his uniform clothes (the ones without giant holes) on our last Friday. We’ve been paying that preschool $550 (for my daughter) to $750 (for my son) every two weeks for SIX YEARS. I am so excited to not see that line item on my credit card bill 2-3 times a month moving forward.

My kids are growing up and getting big!

My husband did decide to come to Colombia for part of our trip and we bought his ticket yesterday. It was way more than I wanted to spend, but I am VERY relieved to have some back-up during what will surely be a chaotic leg of our journey. I am especially excited for him to come to the beach with us – and to help us hike the 45-90 minutes in and out of the national park where we will be snorkeling.

There is more to report but my time on the elliptical is almost over. I hope to write more next week.

Happy weekend!

Health & Well Being/Uncategorized

West Medicine Fails Again

Posted on by noemikjames / 10 Comments

West medicine can do a lot of incredible things. This is not a post to deride western medicine as a whole. Vaccines especially are proof of western medicines ability to save and improve lives on a vast scale. Yes, western medicine can do incredible things, but there are so many areas in which it is ineffective, if not detrimental. Not surprisingly, a lot of those areas fall into the domain of women’s health, especially of the reproductive variety.

I am not going to begin this post with a discussion on how western medicine has been focused on men and the male body and how that probably has a lot to do with its abject failure when it comes to so many aspects of women’s health. That could be a post — or book! — in and of itself (both of which have been written many times by writers more capable than myself. Instead I’m going to focus on how western medicine has failed me, personally, yet again.

I’m going to see my doctor about my worsening uterine prolapse next Monday. I don’t have high hopes that she’ll be able to offer me any kind of help, mostly I’m just trying to get a different pessary that actually helps me for the days when my cervix is actually protruding out of my vagina (yes, that is a regular occurrence these days), and for when I’m working out. Pessaries are one of four basic forms options that women are offered when they seek help from western medicine for prolapse. The other three options are physical therapy, surgery (which most western doctors admit has a limited success rate initially, and an abysmal success rate long term) and nothing. Most women are told to just grin and bear it when they come in with symptoms of uterine organ prolapse.

I have been to physical therapy, but it wasn’t very helpful and I was given no advice on modifying exercise or basic daily functions.

I have been given a pessary, but it not comfortable, makes it impossible for me to have a bowel movement (this is not supposed to be a side effect) and now that my prolapse has worsened considerably, it is totally ineffective (it pushes into a position parallel with my cervix instead of remaining perpendicular with my cervix to keep in away from my vaginal opening).

There are other pessaries available (different shapes) and hopefully one will work for me. But it is not really a long term solution. Not surprisingly, vaginas don’t love to have a silicone instrument left in them for days at a time. The side effects of long term pessary use include obstructed bowl movements, lesions, infection and general discomfort. Yay western medicine!

Knowing that my doctor will have little help to give me on Monday, I’ve been doing a lot of research into alternative ways to manage prolapse symptoms. Evidently something as simple as adjusting my posture can alleviate symptoms. There are also a lot of exercises to avoid (all the ones I was previously doing) and other exercises to do instead. I’m really frustrated that no one (not my doctor or physical therapist) mentioned altering common exercises, because my symptoms DEFINITELY got worse once I started doing push ups and crunches again (both big no-no’s). If this is common knowledge (in the field), why would they not share it with me when I was constantly talking about wanting to start exercising again?!

Some crazy high percentage of women have some prolapse symptoms, at least later in life, even if they’ve never had kids. It’s also worsens over time for pretty much anyone who has it. This is a condition that so many women deal with, and yet it’s never talked about in our culture, and western medicine has very few effective ways of managing it. It’s so frustrating to see women’s health being given the shaft yet again. I just hope I can find some relief, because I’m only 37 and already my prolapse is already quite advanced. If other interventions don’t work my doctors will push for surgery, even when they know it’s won’t be effective. I’ve already had one surgery on my lady bits that did nothing but worsen the situation, and I have no intention of doing that again.

Life/Marriage

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

Thank you for your responses to my last post. They were incredibly validating, and helpful. After 48 hours of frosty interactions, I sent my husband an email in which I briefly and succinctly apologized for screaming, explained how shaming his attitude and actions are, and requesting a family meeting. We are supposed to have the family meeting soon, and we’ll see how it goes.

I haven’t sat down with him and asked him the hard questions many of you so helpfully posed. I do plan on having that conversation when everything else calms down a bit.

Because right now things are hectic. My husband actually stayed home yesterday and today because he has a cold. I am always intensely jealous of how easy it is for him to take a day, especially at the last minute. I was so sick just a couple of weeks ago and I had to trudge through the work days because our district doesn’t have enough subs, and it’s just really hard to have someone covering you when you actually have shit to do with your students. My husband took my son to school yesterday and then just came home because he didn’t feel good. I am so envious of that ability. Blerg. Ironically, not being there is the hardest part about being a teacher.

It’s June 6th and a week from tomorrow is our last day with the kids. This is the part of the school year when it feels like we are the last school district standing. I know that I’d rather have more days off during the year, and a shorter summer (which is what we have), but in the last weeks it’s tough. The good news is three of my classes are either totally, or partially, populated by 8th graders, and they are basically not around all of next week (enjoying fun end-of-year celebrations and preparing for promotion). I’m also taking this Friday off to host my daughter’s birthday party at our local amusement park. Woot!

I have done NOTHING to prepare to move back into my old classroom. I have so much work to do at school. Having said that, I’m happy to pack and unpack because I am SO EXCITED to get my old classroom back. When I think about it, I get tears in my eyes. God how I’ve missed having my own space. This school year has been a special level of hell, one I hope to never live through again.

In more upcoming summer news…

We still haven’t decided if my husband will be joining us in Colombia this summer. I am conflicted. On the one hand I know we will all have a lot of fun with him there, and it would be immensely helpful to have him on the beach leg of the journey. On the other hand, he doesn’t speak Spanish and I know if he’s around I’ll speak a lot less Spanish…

Also, there is something simple about being the only adult; I can make the decisions without consulting another adult, especially when it comes to parenting. My husband and I are clunky simultaneous co-parents. We each have our own comfort levels and ways of doings things and many times the other’s preferences chafe a little. I think that is especially true for me since I spend more time alone with the kids than he does, and I’m used to conducting business a certain way, as it were. I definitely believe that I am the more efficient parent. Having said that, sometimes I want to do too much, and my husband is better at recognizing an almost sure fire fail when I propose one.

There is also the price of another ticket, and the time off work to consider. He is already taking a week off to come to St. Louis, and if he came all the way to Colombia he’d probably want to be there for at least 8-10 days. I’ll be curious to see what he decides.

I want him to decide soon though, because everyone who is going to the coast needs to get the Yellow Fever Vaccine at least, and I’m making the appointment for that in a week.

We leave for St. Louis in less than three weeks and the house still needs SO MUCH WORK. If I think about it for too long I start to hyperventilate. I know it will all eventually get done, or at least enough of it will get done. Still, it stresses me out to no end. I keep reminding myself that when it’s all done, the house will look amazing, and when we come home after all this travel it will still be amazing. Usually that carries me through…

Oh, and…

Happy Birthday to my daughter! I can’t believe she is 8 today!

Uncategorized

Negated

Posted on by noemikjames / 14 Comments

My son had one of his epic meltdowns yesterday. It started at pick up and continued until bedtime. He was screaming, thrashing, insulting, threatening, throwing, and crying for two straight hours. At one point I was reheating the dinner he was refusing to eat, hoping to get a few bites in him before he went to bed, and I dropped food into the dishwasher that was full of clean dishes my husband hadn’t emptied. This was the 2nd time I had done this, and I was frustrated and I kind of lost it and slammed the dishwasher closed. My husband thought my frustration was about him not emptying the dishwasher (it had been over a day) and kind of lost it at me, at which point I yelled at him. Actually, I screamed at him. So loud. The scream was a discharge of all the rage and anger I had been absorbing for the last two hours (and the rest of the day actually). It lasted maybe three seconds, and it was unacceptable, and it negated all the patience I had shown and good choices I had made while navigating the two hour tantrum.

I’m mad at myself because screaming that loud is never acceptable, and I need to learn how to recognize I’m getting to that point and find a way to diffuse my frustration productively.

I’m mad at my husband for not stepping in to help more, and for his zero-tolerance attitude toward anger of any kind, and his refusal to recognize the part he played in what happened.

I’m mad at our continued cycles of me doing too much and him not helping enough and the resentment I end up feeling and the parts both of us play in that cycle.

Now it’s the morning and my husband and I are still not speaking to each other, and I don’t have my ballot ready for him to deliver because he did his without me and I had sub plans to write last night and by the time I was done it was late and I was tired.

I’m sad. And mad. And disappointed. In both of us, but mostly myself.

And now it’s time to start another day.

Uncategorized

Final Stretch(es)

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

My daughter has three more days of school. Her birthday is Thursday and her party is Friday.

This coming weekend we have a Girl Scout camping trip.

My last day at work is next Friday, the 15th. There are tests to review for, administer, and correct. My desk space in the science hall has to be packed up. Even my boxes in the packing container need to be re-taped (I’ve gone in there countless times this year to find things I needed).

Hopefully they will finalize my schedule for next year before summer starts.

In less than a month we leave for St. Louis, and our home needs to be ready for our first AirBnB guests by then. We also need to prepare the grandparents’ house for our cat’s visit.

In less than two months we fly to Colombia. I am working on those arrangements now.

There is so much going on, it’s easy to get paralyzed by the sheer magnitude. I try to do one thing every day, one future-focused thing, so that the list of things doesn’t feel so overwhelming.

One step at a time. I can do this. And once the summer finally comes, it will be totally worth it.

Connection/Identity/Life

Content with less connection

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

I am changing. It’s subtle, so subtle that sometimes I don’t realize it, but it’s happening all the same. I’m getting older. More mature. I’m gaining perspective. But it’s also more than that. I feel like my actual personality is changing, like who I am on some of the more fundamental levels is shifting.

This weekend my son had his first “play dates” at our house. Saturday a school friend that we recently realized lived only a couple of blocks away came for a couple of hours. Sunday morning twin boys from his school came to play.

We saw the twin boys at swimming lessons later that afternoon. Their dad always brings them, and I usually bring my kids, and we spend a lot time on the benches, chatting. He also chats with a lot of the other parents. He kind of holds court, actually, chatting it up with the regulars of our time slot, especially the ones that have kids in our kids’ age brackets (he also has an older son, who is a year younger than my daughter). I’ve seen him exchanging numbers, stories, and plans with quite a few parents during the time we spend on the swim lesson benches. I’ve also seen pictures of camping trips he’s taken with other families, and heard all about play dates that turn into play weekends, with bottles of wine opening to entertain the parents as well.

This past weekend he was shooting the shit with another father, and they were talking about how great it is to have a bunch of families in the neighborhood with kids the same age. Evidently their block in San Jose was like that, and every afternoon turned into an impromptu jamboree, with kids and parents having an absolute blast. It was hard to leave that when they moved to San Francisco, but slowly they’ve been recreating a community of like-minded parents with kids the same age, who are ready and willing to get together and party the afternoon away. And soon their best-friend family will be moving 2 blocks away and they will basically be living at each other’s houses, having the best of times.

There was a time in my life when having a ton of families on my block, or at the very least a tight-knit set of families with kids my kids’ ages was everything I ever wanted. Sometimes it felt like the only real thing I actually wanted. I wanted it more than a happy marriage, or a fulfilling job. It was, quite literally, the one thing I was sure would make me happy. I pined for that life with my entire being. Hearing stories of other people having that life, pained me in ways I couldn’t explain, or even comprehend. Jealousy and envy were only the tip of the iceberg of hurt.

I never got to have that life, and I am quite certain I never will. My block is never going to be full of families with kids the same ages as mine, and we’re never going to have a network of families like that either. And that’s okay. We have our few friends, and we’re doing okay.

And I’m totally satisfied with that. Listening to this guy talk on Sunday, I was struck by how little I was affected by his story. There was no twisting in my gut as I wondered why they got to have something I wanted so badly. There was no dredging of those feelings of isolation and loneliness that defined my early experiences of motherhood. It was just a story somebody told, that had nothing to do with me, and didn’t affect me in any way.

In fact, hearing about how their best-friend family was moving in around the block didn’t stir anything in me either. Instead, the whole situation sounded rather exhausting, and I caught myself feeling relief, and even gratitude, that there is no one in my life who expects that kind of near-constant availability from me.

I’m not sure what prompted the change, but I do feel less extroverted than I once was, less needy of other people’s company to refuel my inner-battery. I’m much more content to sit at home and read. I’m less excited for the occasional get-together that we are invited to. It is rare for me to even call a friend to get a catch up drink.

Building friendships and community used to be REALLY important to me. I wrote a lot about that here. And losing important friends in my life were incredibly traumatic and painful events. And while I do sometimes think back on those friendships wistfully, they don’t carry the weight that the once did.

I don’t know if I’ve just become jaded, after so many years of trying, and failing, to create the connections I longed for in my life. Or if I’ve changed so much that they just aren’t as important to me. Or if my kids are old enough that I actually get some of that connection from them. Maybe it’s just that the modest social network I have built for myself and my family absolutely feels like enough, even if they are not what I originally thought I needed. (I do think disengaging myself from social media has helped immensely.)

I don’t know what exactly has changed, but I appreciate that I’m more content now than I was before, that I no longer perceive a gaping hole in my life, that I’m sure will never be filled. I hope this trend continues.