Life

Depleted

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I promised to keep writing every day and then I disappeared for the better part of a week. Oops.

I’m feeling depleted these days. I consider writing a post, but when you write a post give you a little part of yourself to the world, and lately I’ve felt like I have nothing more to give.

By the end of the day my mental energy is spent. There are commutes to endure and meetings to attend, phone calls to make and emails to write. I will have a sub on Friday because on of my classes is touring my alma mater; it’s taken me all week to figure out an acceptable lesson plan for three of my classes. I still haven’t figured out the fourth.

I’m getting another cold. It’s nothing like the monster that leveled our whole family in November, but it still slows me down.

I have a lot to do after the kids go to bed and I have to sacrifice precious sleep to get it all done.

But there are bright sides. The snack program I’ve been working on at my daughter’s school finally got off the ground. Hopefully, when we get back from the winter break, it will be a self-sufficient system.

Almost everything I ordered during the big sales has come and I’m done holiday shopping. I still have high hopes to make the photo book from our summer trip so I can send it to the aunts and uncles as a Christmas surprise, but I’m allowing myself the possibility of that not happening. I do have to make a calendar for my grandmother, but that shouldn’t be too hard.

This weekend my mom might take our kids again, giving us a chance to clean up the house, which has become a total disaster. I really hope that happens, because the state of things is causing me a fair amount of stress, and I always try to do a toy purge before new things come in after the holidays.

The most exciting thing about holiday shopping this year, was realizing my daughter is pretty much out of the toy phase. She will surely get some LEGO dragon sets from her grandparents, but otherwise she’s only get books and some art supplies. I’m excited that the “toy” era, for her, is over. I’m sure my son will get enough for the both of them.

There is more to say but I just don’t have to the stamina to say it. I hope I can pick up the daily writing again but I’m not going to push it. I hate when writing here feels like a chore…

Uncategorized

The weight of the unarticulated

Posted on by noemikjames / 13 Comments

Our new TV imploded so we haven’t had one for a week. I wanted to watch something on the iPad tonight but my husband wasn’t interested in “huddling around the small screen.”

So we ended up talking, and I ended up sharing things that I didn’t realize I needed to share.

I cried, and I felt ashamed for the tears I shed. I hadn’t realized the weight of so many things left unarticulated. There is much I don’t say, for fear… of what exactly I do not know.

The fear you cannot name is the most terrifying of all.

But maybe I can make it. The words are jumbled, the adjectives misplaced, but the gist of it is there. If only I’d venture to say the words.

Tonight I tried and I cried and I felt weak for the tears. It’s frustrating, and I wonder what my husband thinks of me, but I can’t change who I am or how I feel.

Why do tears have to be the mark do the weak? Perhaps they are really the mark of the strong. Or simply the mark of the honest.

I tell myself often: We are all doing the best we can.

Parent Leadership

Mini-retreat

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Tomorrow I am leading a four-hour PTA mini-retreat for the members of the board. Our board meetings are on the 4th Thursday of the month, so we lost November’s to Thanksgiving and we lose December’s to the winter break. We are making up those two hours, and adding two more, in the hopes that we can get in front of the rest of the school year. Fall was totally nuts for us; we felt like we were perpetually scrambling to catch up. No one wants a repeat of that this spring, so we’re trying to be preemptive. We hired someone to provide childcare for everyone and we’re hoping to get a lot done!

I have folders for everyone, with copies of all the resources we’ll be referring to. I’m hoping to spend 1-3 hours planning the big spring fundraiser and the date nights we hope to put on, and at least an hour looking at ways we can support the academic achievement of the students.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about how and why to create a family and community partnership school. It’s really exciting to think of what we could accomplish if we do the right ground work. Money and resources will be coming in as part of a Beacon Initiative, so this is definitely the time to be advocating for a community school. I have hope that we can make some positive changes.

I hope the meeting goes well. I want very much to be an effective leader and I’m always worried I’m doing a subpar job. I HATE meetings, and have spent my entire professional adult life avoiding them when possible, so leading them is a very new, and stressful, experience for me. I know no one on the board would ever speak negatively of my efforts, but I still worry about wasting their time. There is nothing I hate more than having my time wasted, I would hate to do it to someone else.

As is the case with everything PTA related, I hope things will go well, and be relieved when it is all over.

Parenting & Family

30 posts in 30 days

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

Well, I didn’t manage to post every day but I did post 30 times in the last 30 days. That’s something.

Sure some of them were more whimper than bang, but at least I got back into the habit of putting something out into the world on the reg.

I want to keep it up, so I’m going to see if I can keep going, at least until the new year.

Tomorrow is December 1st, which means our Elf on a Shelf will be back, and this year she has little surprises for the kids in their holiday boxes. They need to find the elf to find the keys and see the surprise! I know they are going to love it. I’m excited for their excitement.

The best part about Elf on a Shelf in December is my kids are actually excited to get out of bed in the morning. That is no small feat, especially when the house is cold (it finally got cold this week!)

I hope your December is filled with magic.

Identity/Parenting & Family

Joy and the PTA

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I wrote my “why” post about the PTA, in response to the comment that it seemed like a really joyless venture. Then I realized that in almost 2,000 words I hadn’t actually said anything about whether or not being on the PTA was totally void of joy.

So here goes.

Is the PTA a joyless venture?

My knee-jerk reaction is no, it’s not joyless. But I tried to press pause on the insistence of that thought and to probe deeper. The answer is more complicated, because anytime you do hard work that promises no, or uncertain rewards, it’s hard to determine the pleasure that work will give. And also because joy can manifest in so many distinct ways.

So what feels good about working on the PTA? It feels good to be such a big part of the school community, to know so many people on campus and to feel comfortable in a variety of settings there. It feels good to be recognized and respected for what I contribute, even if I sometimes wish there were more validation and appreciation shown for what we do.

It feels REALLY good to be an integral part of a group that is made of mostly of good friends. And I will admit, I am proud to be its leader. I think I’m doing a pretty decent job, and sometimes I’m even impressed with what I manage to accomplish. Having said that, I’m acutely aware of the many ways I can improve, and mostly I find the opportunity to hone my leaderships skills to be gratifying and even exciting. Sure I’ve led over 85 classes of students through 14 years worth of Spanish curriculum, but I’ve never led a group of adults before, at least not in any substantial or sustained way. It’s definitely a distinct and uniquely gratifying experience that I do, at many times, enjoy.

I am reading more and more about how parent leadership groups can affect real and lasting change on academic outcomes, especially in low socio-economic student populations, and I relish the chance to be on the ground floor of those efforts at my daughter’s school. I think I could be uniquely qualified, as a parent, to navigate the labyrinth that is the California public education system, since I come with so many years of experience teaching at a public school. I also know I could learn a lot and gain valuable skills, which I always appreciate.

Mostly, I’m excited for the opportunity to give back in a substantial way. I’ve lived such a privileged life, and the idea of working to help others who are less privileged, brings me immense joy.

So I guess where I’m at right now is, what I’m currently doing through the PTA is not terribly joyful. There are truly gratifying moments–and I really love seeing so much of my friends, and having reasons to communicate with them frequently–but it can also be very stressful. I think if we start working on some bigger, academically focused goals, I will find the work much more gratifying. There is also money being spent to bring more community resources into the school, and I hope we can help guide the direction those efforts take. If the school changed in positive ways over the next few years, I would feel incredible, immense joy.

So I still have to say no, the PTA is not a joyless venture. I will endeavor to make that more apparent in my writing.

 

Parenting & Family

Quality time with my best girl

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

Today my in-laws picked up my son from school today (for the last time in three weeks; they leave for Texas again tomorrow) and my daughter and I got to spend the afternoon alone together. It’s been a LONG time since we’ve had the chance to hang out by ourselves, without the impossible ever-tantruming 4-year-old around. He really does steal all the oxygen from the room these days; when he’s around, he is the center of every interaction.

So it was nice to focus on my daughter today. We went to the library, which had gotten a bunch of fun new books: the sequel to a graphic novel she has been reading over and over again, the second installment of a silly book series she loves, two of her favorites-recently released in Spanish, a Pokemon User’s Guide in SPANISH and some other gems. We both felt like Christmas had come early.

We came home and read quietly for 30 minutes while dinner cooked. She asked me what a couple words mean. We talked about some interesting stuff.

Then she watched TV (and ate dinner–yes, I know, I’m the worst mom EVER) while I worked out (I really needed it after a super shitty day), and when her brother came home we put ornaments on the tree (which looks amazing). Then she took a bath while I did my stretches, and finally we had some quality time doing things she wanted in her room (mostly coloring in her new alebrijes coloring book) and went to bed. It was a really nice night and I was really thankful we got to spend it together.

Work/Teaching

9:49am

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

9:49am. That’s when I woke up this morning. It was glorious.

Each set of grandparents had a kid and we got an impromptu date night last night. I ran some errands on my way home from dropping off our son at my parents, we ate dinner at one of our favorite spots, and then we watched The Big Sick.

It was so, so nice to sleep in this morning. I haven’t been able to sleep past 8am in ages, so almost 10am felt AMAZING.

The only thing I really wanted to do today was get the Christmas tree. I’ve actually been really excited that Thanksgiving is early this year so we have more time with our Christmas decorations, but it’s pouring so I guess no tree today. Boo. Maybe I’ll get one, destroy the backseat of the car bringing it home, and let it dry out in the garage, because if I don’t get it today, I probably won’t be able to until next weekend.

I can’t believe our week off is over. On the one hand, it feels like I haven’t been at work in AGES (which feels nice), on the other hand, I’m really not ready to go back. I still have some work to do before my grades are ready for the Wednesday deadline, and I didn’t do anything to plan for the next four weeks. I wanted to have a rough plan for all my classes and instead I’m barely ready for tomorrow. Blerg.

At least there are only four weeks until our next break!

Okay, let’s do this thing.

Connection

Go see Coco

Posted on by noemikjames / 5 Comments

We saw Coco on Wednesday. It was f*cking fantastic.

I can’t tell you how excited I am that a huge studio like Disney/Pixar spent years, and hundreds of millions of dollars making a movie that celebrates another culture so respectfully and thoughtfully. I’m even more excited that they made a movie about a culture and holiday that I teach. Coco will definitely be a part of my curriculum every year.

If you see one kids’ movie during the holidays, let it be Coco. I promise, you won’t regret it.

Here are some awesome reviews by Mexican-American and Latino critics. If these don’t convince you to see Coco, I’m not sure what will.

Life

Uninspired

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I’m feeling uninspired. To write here. To make the calendars. To design the ornament. But all these things have to get done.

Sometimes when you push through the periods that lack inspiration, you create something incredible. Many times what you produce is pretty blah. I guess either way it’s all about getting it done.

That’s what I’m trying to do right now, just get it done. I had a lot to accomplish during this break, and the three days of childcare were WAY more intense than I expected, and took way more out of me, so I got a lot less done those evenings than I planned to do. Now I need to make up for it, whether I’m inspired or not.