Not a Wasted Word

We had to get our central heating system (furnace and ducts) replaces in March when we were informed that the ducts were insulated with asbestos. Our old furnace was this massive metal box you could have incinerated a human body in, but it was also a “gravity furnace,” which means the only reason the heat it produced reached our upstairs living area was because heat rises.

So we got a new smaller furnace that blows heat into the house and we started using it earlier this month.

We weren’t using it in November at all (we kept forgetting to run it for a couple hours when we weren’t home to burn off or blow out any dust in the furnace and ducts) and by the end of the month it was getting cold. Getting out of bed was HARD when it was so much warmer under the covers than in the rest of the house.

Now the heat kicks in half an hour before we wake up, bringing the temperature up from 58* to 63*. By the time I need to get up, it’s TOO hot to stay under the covers.

The woman in Guatemala that I Skype with to practice my Spanish has no central heating. She doesn’t run electric heaters either because electricity is so expensive. They just had a cold spell and it was a cool 50* in her house for two weeks. I can’t even imagine, especially since the only hot water she has is heated electrically (so not very much at one time or to a very high temp) at the shower. All the other water in her house comes out cold. Really puts things in perspective.

I am very grateful for central heating — and hot water! — which make my mornings a lot more pleasant.

What modern convenience are you thankful for these days?

Lately I’ve not wanted to do much of anything. There is a bit of a lull in school work, and with the break starting next week I don’t feel so inclined to plan. There isn’t another PTA even for a while, so those responsibilities aren’t requiring immediate attention. I’m finding I have a little down time, and I’m choosing not to much with it. I’m kind of loving it.

Usually, when I have some down time, I read a book about a new teaching method or brush up on my classroom management. Or I plow through yet another tome on how to make a community school. But right now, I can’t seem to motivate to work ahead on anything. Most nights I just totally waste my own time. What a luxury!

For the past few nights I’ve been devouring Brian K. Vaughan’s Saga series (I ordered them in Spanish) and killing hours playing The Room on my phone (if you loved Myst and Riven you’ll love The Room). It’s totally mindless fun, and I refuse to feel bad about it. Sometimes we need to indulge the very real need to stop caring so much about everything and waste some of our precious time. Hopefully I’ll be recharged by the end of the break, and ready to do some real work.

I’m finding it harder and harder to work out these days. The fact that it’s so hard to schedule workouts is definitely part of it, but I will admit that even on days when I can fit it in, it’s hard to motivate to get on the machine.

I’m probably just burned out doing the same old thing for my workout. I’ve been doing my cardio on the elliptical for YEARS and I bet it’s time for a change. Even if I changed one of my workouts each week, that would probably help.

I think in the spring I’ll sign up for a half marathon to get me running again. In the meantime, maybe I can find a video that interests me. Anyone have any suggestions? I’ve done most of the Jillian Michaels videos and like them, but can’t seem to motivate to return to them. I have the PiYo set but those aren’t doing it for me right now either. Anything else you recommend?

My husband and I both have our holiday parties today.

Mine will be a bummer because two colleagues are being forced out of their jobs and everyone is really angry and upset for them, and their students. They’ve been with us for 1.5 years and are very well liked and their departure will weigh heavily on everyone’s hearts.

My husband’s holiday party will be even sadder, as the mayor of San Francisco just died, and everyone in his office is devastated.

Sometimes the holidays aren’t a happy time.

{I started this post a little over a week ago, after another post got some response surrounding this idea. I’m sorry it took me so long to finish and post it.}

I’ve already talked about this here on my blog. I actually posed the question to all of you and you had A LOT to say on it. The I posted my answer.

I still believe people are doing the best they can. It keeps me out of judgement, and I used to be REALLY good at judgement. Staying out of judgement also keeps me away from the righteous indignation that judgement can engender. Self-righteous anger never did anyone any good.

Believing people are doing the best they can, also gives me hope.

As a middle school teacher I need to believe that people are doing the best they can. If I didn’t, I’d walk around believing that the majority of my students are entitled asshats that are specifically trying to make me miserable. I would believe that their misbehavior is a choice they are purposefully making to disrupt my teaching and thwart the learning of their peers. If I believed that, I wouldn’t have many options, and my entire professional life would feel like a hopeless endeavor.

Instead I choose to believe they are doing the best they can, and recognizing that when they aren’t behaving in a productive way, I need to identify why that is and make changes. Usually a student is misbehaving because they are confused and don’t know what to do or how to do it. Sometimes it’s because they haven’t yet learned how to ignore the impulse to socialize, which is a VERY important need for young adolescents. Once I determine why they might not be meeting my expectations under the current circumstances, I can take action, like provide more scaffolding on the next assignment, or place them at a seat where the urge to talk won’t be so uncontrollable.

If I believe they aren’t doing the best they can, I take it personally. It’s about ME. Or it’s about them being a jerk to me. Or them just being a jerk to everybody. How exactly can I make a difference in a child’s life I believe they are the kind of person who would choose not to the best they can? If I believed that, there would be no way to help them, and I would be hopeless.

I’m relearning the importance of believing that people are doing the best they can at my daughter’s school. As I attempt to increase parent participation it’s so easy to blame nonattendance on the families. Obviously they don’t care, or they’d figure out how to be there. Clearly the ones that don’t come believe education is the job of schools and don’t think they should have to do anything to support their kids’ education. I’ve heard people say all of these things before. Even when they mention valid reasons families might not attend parent-teacher conferences or other important school functions (the parents are working two jobs, or don’t have a car and live far from the school, or can’t arrange childcare for younger siblings), there is a linger judgement that these parents aren’t trying hard enough, and their children are suffering for it.

If I really believed that certain parents aren’t going to do their best for their children, there would be no point in trying to make positive changes at my daughter’s school.

But I choose not to believe that. I choose to believe that parents are doing the best they can. If I believe that, then I can’t just assume they don’t care enough to support their children’s educations. I have to believe something else is standing in the way of them being good advocates for their kids at school.

It has taken a lot of soul searching for me to check my white, upper middle class privilege and recognize how EASY it is for me to advocate for my children. I know how the system works. I know what to say and to whom I should say it. I know what questions to ask and how and when to ask them. I know who else to go to if I don’t at first get the answer I want. Even if I weren’t a teacher, and didn’t have intimate knowledge of the inner-workings of the public school system, I have friends (and parents) who do. I am confident that if my daughter’s placement weren’t working, I could get her transferred to another school. I am confident that I can be an effective advocate for my daughter’s success in school.

Yes I am confident, and yet there are times when even I am unsure of what to do or how to do it. Even though I am a teacher and I know every important person at my daughter’s school, I still struggle sometimes wondering if I should voice a concern and what might be the best way to voice it. If even I doubt myself, I can only imagine how parents who do not have the knowledge and skills that I have, feel when it comes to advocating for their children.

There are so many valid reasons why parents don’t advocate effectively for their children. They don’t speak the language. They work two jobs. They are caring for an aging parent, or a mentally ill sibling, or both. They didn’t complete high school (or middle, or elementary school) and don’t feel comfortable at school. They had a really negative experience with the school system and don’t believe it will treat their children any better. There are literally countless reasons why some parents don’t make the choices other, more involved parents, make.

So does that mean they get a pass? That we accept they are doing the best they can and their best isn’t good enough?

I choose to believe that people are doing the best the can, AND that they want to do better. I believe that we need to work to give people the tools and supports to do better.

Again, this does not mean that people aren’t responsible for their actions. There need to be consequences. But I believe we are better able to provide more effective consequences if we believe someone is doing their best, than we do if we believe they are choosing to make poor choices, because they just don’t care to make better ones. If we approach a person with compassion instead of judgement, or resentment (both highly probable reactions if we believe someone is purposefully choosing not to do the best they can), we are much better able to accurately identify ways we can help, and implement those strategies effectively.

If I believe people are doing the best they can, I can better judge what they are actually capable of, and make more informed decisions about how to proceed. If I approach a situation with compassion instead of resentment, I have a much better chance of recognizing it for what it is and not listen to the story my hurt feelings has conjured up.

So yes, I choose to believe that people are doing the best they can, because for me, the alternative is creates too much opportunity for resentment and self-righteous anger. Some might argue that believing people are doing their best  gives them a pass, but I don’t see it that way. I can uphold my boundaries and advocate for myself even if I believe people are doing their best. In fact, I think I am better able to make the right choices for myself with this world view. If I think someone is NOT doing the best they can, then they might, at any moment, be moved to do better. That might give me the false belief that THEY will change, without anything else changing around them (which is HIGHLY unlikely). If I believe someone is doing their best, and their best isn’t good enough, either immediately or long term, I can make decisions with a better understanding of what that person is capable of, AND my own best interest in mind.

Has your view on this topic changed over time? How does your belief about this facet of humanity serve you?

 

 

On Monday night I was reading an article about how Trump drinks 12 Diet Coke’s a day and eats crazy amounts of fast food and I was wondering how I would feel* if I woke up one morning to learn that he had died of a heart attack during the night.**

Yesterday morning I woke up to find my husband already awake. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me that the mayor of San Francisco had died suddenly in the night, of a heart attack.***

The world is weird sometimes.

*I would definitely be incredibly relieved if Trump and his side show administration were gone, but I’d also be terrified for the havoc Pence would wreak on our country. Pence wouldn’t make a mockery of the presidency, but he would destroy the lives of pretty much everyone who isn’t exactly like him (white, cisgender, male, Christian, and conservative).

**Of course Trump will never die, because the normal rules of decency don’t apply to him, so why should the normal rules of self-care apply? Also he is the devil incarnate.

***My husband works for the mayor’s office at City Hall and while Ed Lee hasn’t generally been the most popular mayor San Francisco has had, he was very well liked and respected by the people who work for and around him. Everyone is very saddened by what happened.