Not a Wasted Word

The weird thing about summer is how every week is different. Last week the 11yo had camp, which was weirdly in the middle of SF State’s campus and had hard start and end times. The 15yo was home after her two nights away with friends at the lake, and she didn’t leave the house for three days.

This week both are in camps and the combined driving time is monstrous. The 15yo can take the bus, but I haven’t made her do that yet. Probably tomorrow because spending a full hour driving around the city twice a day is making me crazy.

Also this week the in-laws are here (my SIL and her two kids). We stopped by to say hi after camps yesterday, right when they’d gotten in. The cousins are in camps during the day too so we only have the afternoons to see them. I’m not sure how hard we should be attempting to visit as we both fly out Saturday, it might only happen Thursday evening, which is fine.

My sister is in town when we get back from August. And then school starts.

It feel like summer is already over, and we’re on borrowed time. Which isn’t true! We have plenty of weeks left, but I know school will be here in an instant.

We leave for Hawaii on Saturday. There is stuff I need to do, like pick up my ADHD meds, and get my blood work done. I have to return one or two pairs of shoes I got for the 11yo’s start of middle school. I want to finish my library book so I can return it before we leave. I should email the pediatrician with the 11yo’s athletic release because evidently baseball starts the very first week of school. I need to clean the shower, which requires washing the shower liner, which requires at least a day of soaking it, which means it has to be done today or tomorrow. Yesterday I did a big clean on the cat boxes, so I could put the used litter into the trash bin right before pick up. Just little things, but they take time.

I’m trying to be at the dojo a couple times this week because I’m going to miss two Saturdays. My friends and I are getting together Friday night for my birthday (it was the only night we were all free). I want to clean the house a bit. I’m doing more of my husband’s chores since he doesn’t get time off like I do, and is kind of miserable working while we all have a summer break.

I still haven’t worked on the Memphis post. Maybe it won’t go up? And that is fine because no one cares if I post it but me. I could also just add in all the photos I already added to the WP media library with captions and call it. Again, not a real issue, but something that nags at me. Whenever I sit down to work on it, I end writing a different post, like this one.

None of this is bad, it just is, and I’m trying to express it as such. I’m not annoyed by anything, it’s just swirling around in my head.

The weather has been HORRIBLE. Every day is fog so heavy it’s misting. Sometimes the mist is light, but other times, like this morning, it was more like a light rain. The 11yo is in outdoor camp all week on a lake that looks so creepy with the fog pushing in from all sides. It’s weird weather. I’ve heard it’s the coldest summer on record in the Bay Area; my parents have reported it rarely hitting 70 even down where they live, which usually gets much less fog because of the Santa Cruz mountains. After our two weeks in the hot humidity of St. Louis and Memphis, and my bad sun rash, I haven’t been minding this weather as much, but I know it’s making my friends who’ve been in the city all summer really batty.

I wrote some more, but moved it over to another post. I really want to work on the summer fun book – I’m downstairs connected to the big monitor and everything! – so I’m going to put up this smorgasbord of what’s been going on in my head for people to read, if they want to. Sorry it was such a cluttered mess!

[UPDATE – I got 10 pages of the summer fun book done and the first full day of the Memphis post finished. Woor!]

Am I the only one who actually has a HARDER time getting things done when she has larger swaths of free time? I can get a lot done at the end of the work day, when the hours available are finite and easily identifiable. Meanwhile, when I have a week like this with several hours to kill between camp drop off and camp pick up, I am floundering to get much of anything done. There definitely has been some decompression from our trip (I know I’m not the only person who’s ever needed a vacation after their vacation). I didn’t rest much the two weeks between school ending and our trip either… Also, having next week off before Maui is not helping get my butt into gear. And of course, yesterday was my birthday! I’m finding it quite easy to lean into this “how about I just read” or “let’s watch another episode” mentality this week. I rarely get that during the year, and it’s fun to do nothing for a few days. I know it’s a privilege.

Here are a couple things I am trying to get done this week, even if I’m failing.

Summer fun book. I have NEVER made the photo book that immortalizes our week at the farm right after that trip. This year I’m going to attempt it. I think it could be fun because there are little jokes and silly sayings I remember now and can include, that I will never remember next summer. Also, I may decide to do the yearbook again (I know you don’t approve P&R! I haven’t made a definitive decision yet!) and I would love to make that decision knowing the summer fun book is done. I’ve uploaded the photos and picked out the theme, but I haven’t gotten much else done. Still, it’s a start.

Husband’s birthday card(s). Our family likes to joke. A lot. The husband is at the center of most of our nonsense and we’ve decided on what each kid, and I, should do for his cards this year. His birthday is Monday so I probably should get at least my card for him done today. I’m going to insist the 15yo does the same, because she hasn’t gotten dressed in 48 hours, and probably won’t today either. This will get done because there won’t be a lot of opportunity to do it without him seeing this weekend.

Mom’s Storyworth book. Holy shit was it a mistake for me to do this book for my mom. I am YEARS late putting the book together. If I don’t do it this summer it will never get done. I need to re-read all her entries and talk to her about photos she wants to include. She actually asked me about her book on the trip and I was so ashamed I hadn’t put it together for her yet. I need to do this shit NOW.

Working out. You won’t be shocked to learn that I’m getting this done daily. One thing I can manage is deciding that I’m going to work out, and doing so. Today I plan to do a 45 minute Interval & Arms class on the bike, followed by 10 minutes of ab work. And I’m meeting my husband downtown at 5:30, so it will get done before that.

Memphis post + blog comments. I still haven’t written more of the Memphis post I started right when we got home. I’ve also fallen woefully behind commenting on other people’s blogs. I really want to get some of that done today. I know if I don’t write the Memphis post before we leave for Maui I will never write (I never wrote the final two days of our CDMX trip!), so that natural deadline is looming…

And what will I do instead? One reason I didn’t get much done this week, was I was rushing to finish a book before a book talk the library was putting on this afternoon. But it became apparent yesterday that I wasn’t going to finish the book before the gathering, so I’m not going to go. The husband checked out Little Bosses Everywhere and we won’t be able to renew it, so I def want to read that in the next three weeks. Also, the 15yo and I are watching Dept. Q and really liking it. It’s hard to stop once we’ve started, and I love binge watching a show with her. In fact, I’m we’re going to watch an episode right now, instead of doing any of the above! Oops!

But it’s okay. Because we’re both on summer break. 😉

I turn 45 today. 45 feels like a big number. Not sure why. It just feels heavy for some reason, rolling around in my head.

I’m not sad to be turning 45. And I don’t feel old, exactly. Though… when I turned 40 I felt strong, physically. I felt like I still had some of my strongest, most (physically) productive years in front of me. And this was during a global pandemic! But in the past five years I hurt my knee, walked the gauntlet of perimenopause and was diagnosed with a auto-immune disease. It has been humbling, and I no longer expect to “feel good” in the future. I am more determined than ever to work to be strong, but I no longer feel that strength and physical ability are guaranteed. What a charmed life I led that it took until the past few years for me to be humbled by my own body.

Having said all that, right now I do feel strong. And capable. My body is able to do things it hasn’t always been able to do. I’m taking medicine to manage my thyroid issues, and with that under control I can work hard to build muscle and stamina. It feels good to see the results that were, for so many month, inaccessible (for reasons I didn’t understand). It feels good to have a semblance of control, even though I know it’s a facade that can be whisked away at any moment.

The MHT is also helping, I think. I feel… calm? Smooth? It’s almost like an anxious energy has been quieted. It’s hard to describe. An example… when I look around and see a mess or a chore that needs to be done, I think, ah I should do that, but there isn’t the jolt of stress that used to accompany a thought like that. There isn’t the clanging alarm of the obligation, it’s just there and then I get it done and it feels good to accomplish it, and my mind doesn’t automatically start searching for another thing to tackle. It’s like the sharp edges have been rubbed smooth. The weigh of life is still significant, but it’s not cutting into me anymore.

It could just be summer break, but I’ve been on a lot of summer breaks and don’t remember feeling like this.

Maybe it’s the sleep! Which of course I’m getting because of the MHT. The sleep could totally be it.

It could be something else, unrelated to the hormone therapy. But I can’t point to anything else so obvious. I really don’t know. I guess we’ll see when school starts again.

Of course, one reason it isn’t so hard to turn 45, is everything I have in my life. I still have my parents. I have my friends. I just spent some wonderful weeks with my extended family. And of course, I have my own family, the kids I wanted so much. Tonight we’re making popcorn and watching Ready Player One, which we finished listening to on our trip. (Yes, we know the movie isn’t very good.) Sharing books and movies is one of the reasons I was always able to articulate for why I wanted to have kids, and today, on my birthday, I get to do just that. My life is full and I am so grateful for everything I have.

My husband and kids each had a card for me this morning and that is all I have ever wanted on my birthday and it made me so happy. This day has made me feel a lot of conflicted emotions before, but this year I just feel… content.

I know, especially after reading so much about the horrible flooding in Texas, that this life could be gone in an instant. I am aware that the second half of my life, which I’m almost surely entering (if not already several years into) will be defined by goodbyes more than anything. Knowing that doesn’t make today bittersweet, so much as it makes me even more grateful for what I have right now, which is so much.

Anyway, just a quick post to say that I turned 45 today. And life is good.

I have eight full weeks off for summer break and this Monday marks the half way point. Four weeks are behind me and four are still to come. On the one hand I can’t really believe I’ve been away from work for so long. On the other hand, it has been A WHILE since I’ve thought about that part of my life. I really have been able to disconnect this year, and I appreciate that.

The first two weeks of summer were dedicated to crossing A LOT of things off my to-do list. Although, if I’m being honest, I didn’t have most of those tasks on a list coming into the summer break. While I had vague hopes of “riding the productivity wave” of the end of the school year, I did not image I’d get quite so much stuff done. I usually leave for St. Louis with a messy house and a feeling of dread about returning to it, but this year I was really happy with the state of things. And while my husband doesn’t do much cleaning himself, he also doesn’t trash the place when we’re away, so everything was still pretty tidy when we got home. The downstairs especially looked really good, because I hosted book club there a week before the trip.

{I know I need to write separate posts about the farm and our trip to Memphis. I started the Memphis post and it’s going to be LOOONG, with a lot of pictures. I really hope I finish it and get it up. I will say that both went really well and we had a ton of fun, and also it is SOOOOO GOOD to be home. And while I do plan to put up posts about those trips, I wanted to do a little recap of some personal details from the trip, so I have them to remember later.}

A lot of the trip (which I think of in thirds – St. Louis, the farm, Memphis) went well. I remembered EVERY ONE of my morning (thyroid) and evening (progesterone) meds. I also remembered to change my patch every 3-4 days (this was harder). I even remembered my vitamins – and the kids’ – almost (every?) day!

I slept GREAT, way better than I have at home at any point this past year. (MHT FOR THE MASSIVE WIN!) Usually I sleep poorly when I travel, so sleeping better than normal was very weird. I suspect the read eye got us on midwest time quickly, as we were all able to fall asleep really early that first real night in St. Louis, and then I was waking up at 7-7:30am St. Louis time (so 5-5:30am my time), but I still felt really rested. Waking. up that early helped with another thing that went well, working out.

I did five pretty intense workouts the M-F before our trip, in an attempt to front load a little before we traveled. During the first third of the trip (St. Louis without my husband), I ran (and did upper body/core) twice and did a 30 minute strength class once. I never ran at the farm (maybe my first year?) because it was dry, hot, and VERY dusty;every morning when I woke up at 7am asking myself if I wanted to get up and run, the answer was always no, so I honored that. I did swim across the quarry and back once, which I thought would be fun, but was actually super tiring so I guess I can count that as somewhat of a workout, but meh, I feel like I didn’t work out at all the second third (the farm with extended family) of the trip. Then I ran again before we left for Memphis, and spent an hour at the Fitness Center of the hotel one morning, using the weight machines because I never have access to them and thought, why not? So I worked out twice in the last third (Memphis with my family). That is five hour plus workouts during a 13 day trip. I’m pretty proud of that! Especially since it was hitting “feels like” 85+ by 8:30am most mornings, and that is WARM for me to be running outside. I worked out Friday, Sat, and Sun this weekend, which means I worked out 13 times in the three weeks that included our trip, which I’m proud of.

Other things that went well… The kids did a great job. They both felt WAY easier than they have in the past. They were interested and engages during MANY museum visits. They were willing to go outside their comfort zones with some foods (not far outside, but still progress!). The husband and I got along well. Our rental car was a mid-size SUV – I do not remember being the case at all! – which was really helpful because we were in the car a lot and it helped to have all that space on the drive to Memphis. We got to see cousins a ton, but it never felt like too much. The weather always cooperated (though many times it was forecast to NOT cooperate, so we appreciated it when it did).

But it wasn’t all wonderful! Staying at my uncle’s house this year felt kind of fraught. My cousin was coming to stay at his dad’s house during the three nights we were at the farm, so we had to pack up everything and cram it in the one room they don’t use, and make sure our two rooms, and the bathroom, were in pristine condition before we left for the long weekend. Their washing machine broke the day we arrived and the replacement arrived damaged so we had to go to a Laundromat late one night to wash our clothes (OMG the cockroaches! Eek!)

We were back at my uncle’s house (from the farm) by 2pm on Sunday and that night was kind of a shit show. The cousin who had been at my uncle’s house left his two kids there for our final night, which means we had to switch around the rooms. My parents took our room and we got the old master which has a futon for the kids. But my a lot of my parents’ stuff was still in the master, and they would be sleeping in that room again their final night so they spent most of our final walking in and out, either looking for things (my mom) or just forgetting that it wasn’t their space anymore (my dad). One of my cousin’s kids kept puking, but everyone assured us it was nerves. Before we could all shower the water went out, then the electricity went out! By the time I had folded our clothes and gotten into bed (the water and electricity had returned), I was REALLY ready to get out of there.

My rosacea was REALLY bad in St. Louis. It still is the worst it’s ever been, despite using my Rx cream continually for over two weeks. I have red spots ALL OVER my face, not just on my cheeks and nose, my chin and forehead are covered too. It honestly might be something else, and not rosacea? But the stuff on my cheeks and nose looks so familiar, it’s just the rest of it that I’m not used to. I also got sun rash BAD this trip. It wasn’t just on the tops of my legs, where I usually get it, but across my chest and down my arms and down both legs. My skin was raised, red and angry pretty much the whole trip, despite constant oral and nasal antihistamines and rubbing cortizone with aloe all over my body every day. It truly sucked. (Sun rash is relatively new for me, and it seems to get worse every time I experience it – I will definitely be dressing accordingly when I swim in Hawaii this summer and in St. Louis next summer).

I did a horrible job packing for myself – both clothes and toiletries. I brought way too much of everything and felt stressed about space the whole time. The good news is I will be making significantly better choices for the trip to Hawaii.

Finally, flying back was a disaster. Our first flight was delayed several hours and we missed our connecting flight. We knew there were no more flights to San Francisco that night, but were surprised to learn that the only flights they could get all four of us on the next day were at 5:45am and 5pm. We opted for the early flight, and were already planning on sleeping in Houston’s airport even before it took until 1am to get someone from United on the phone about the hotel voucher. At first I set up shop on the floor in a little nook behind a check-in desk, but luckily the husband walked all the way into another terminal while on hold with the airline, and found some beautiful couch things for us to sleep on. We each got a couple choppy hours of sleep. It sucked, but what could we do?

We were at our house by 8am Friday morning. The 11yo and I were able to sleep a bit when we got home. The 15yo and the husband didn’t manage much. The husband was planning on attending some meetings virtually, but only logged on for a 9am. We were all in pretty rough shape. I was supposed to teach a class at the dojo that afternoon, but thank the heavens my friend ended up being around to cover me. Friday was kind of lost to exhaustion, much like the first Saturday of our trip. Friday night the kids and I saw Superman (I bought these tickets in Memphis before the flight fiasco), and while I was dreading it, it ended up being a great way to stay awake until a reasonable hour. Definitely a fun movie to see on opening night with big Superman fans.

Oh, I almost forgot! Friday afternoon, when I pulled out of the garage to get milk, I realized our front tire was flat, as in the rim was hitting the floor. The husband drove the car home after dropping us at the airport and never touched it again so we weren’t sure what happened. Also the downstairs tub wasn’t draining. You can imagine how sleep-deprived-me manage all this on Friday. (::cough cough:: not well). But on Saturday I was able to fill the tire up with my bike pump and it didn’t lose any PSI wile I was at the dojo, so I drove it to a repair appointment at the Costco where I got it put on less than three months ago and they fixed it for free (there was a screw in it). Also I plunged the bathtub and was able to pull a bunch of hair and junk out of the drain (even though it’s ALWAYS covered with a catcher), and now it’s draining fine. Seriously, I’m so relieved neither was an actual issue.

Since then things have been better. I changed all the beds on Sunday night which was divine. Today (Monday), I ran errands after dropping the 11yo at basketball camp, came home and made pancakes for the 11yo’s camp lunches, then taught a couple classes at the dojo. It was a nice mixture of feeling productive and chilling out. The 15yo left for two nights at a lake house with her besties on Sunday and it’s been really nice for her (and us!) to get some time away from family.

This week is more of getting stuff done, but also not doing much. Next week as well. I am here for it! Then it’s Hawaii, and finally my sister is in town for the week before I go back to work. The end of summer is just around the corner, but I’m trying to avert my eyes and enjoy some languid days before the back-to-school rush.

And oh boy did that end up being a long post. I hope I get Memphis up later this week. Crossing my fingers!!!!!

We always go to “the farm” over 4th of July, but we usually spent more time in St. Louis, to see my cousin and her kids, who live in Charleston, and who come into town to hang out with us before the big family reunion over the 4th. We used to stay almost two weeks in St. Louis and I would also see cousin’s on my mom’s side. As the kids have gotten older, and less interested in seeing a cousin they only spend one day a year with, we’ve stopped trying to see those cousins and shortened our entire St. Louis trip to a little over a week. Since the farm is always three nights, that usually leaves 4-5 nights in St. Louis with cousins. We generally do many of the same things: the City Museum, the Zoo, the Botanical Garden, Webster Pool, and the Science Center. These activities are awesome, and we do them every year because we love them.

This year we added a special day trip that we’ve talked about doing for years, but that we’ve never committed to because of the long driving time (two hours each way). It was hard to find a day for the trip, because we couldn’t have any other commitments, but we finally found one that worked and the weather was beautiful and we had the best time. My cousin and I LOVED this spot when we were kids, and we’re so thrilled we could finally take our kids, and they loved it as much as we did.

But first, the rest of the week.

Saturday: Surviving

The red eye was uneventful. I kept having to remind myself that it was only a four hour flight. The kids slept a little. The 11yo and I listened to a couple hours of Ready Player One. I must’ve slept for at least 20 minutes because there was some drama a couple aisles up that I missed entirely (the 15yo witnessed it). I listened to my new book club book (I Hope This Finds You Well). Then we were landing.

There was a rental car company shuttle waiting at the curb. There was no line at the rental car place. They had our car and there was no issue with the return in Memphis. All the things I were worried might go wrong were fine. We got to my uncle’s house at 6:30am and I realized I didn’t have a way to get in. Luckily my mom woke up when I called her and opened the door (they had come in a few days before).

And then we slept! For almost four hours! This was so wonderful, and it absolutely got us through the rest of the day. I still can’t believe we slept that long after our red eye.

We didn’t have much else planned on Saturday. We went to my aunt’s house, where my cousin and her kids stay. We hung out there for a while. We got lunch at a favorite smash burger spot. Then we went to this sculpture garden in their area to get outside before dinner at our other cousin’s house.

This spot is so random. My husband recommended it when I had a couple hours to kill before our flight two years ago, then we took him last year because we were so taken by it. And now we’ve shared it with our cousins.

Dinner at our cousin’s house was lovely. I had never been to her place! And I can never get enough IMO’s Pizza when I’m in town. We even got sno cones afterward! Perfect.

The kids and I passed out by 11pm and I slept relatively well!

Sunday: City Museum

I woke up at 7:30 and knowing I had gotten over eight hours of sleep, I got up and went for a run. It was maybe/probably going to rain so I didn’t go as far as I could have, but I did end up running for about 40 minutes and only got sprinkled on. I did some ab work and push ups when I got home.

The kids slept until 11am! They got a solid 12 hours of sleep. I was so happy for them.

We waffled a little on what to do Sunday, because we worried about crowds, but ended up going to the City Museum. It’s a fan favorite, and this year’s trip did not disappoint.

When I first came here I wanted to climb in and around everything, and I tried to squeeze myself into every tunnel and down every slide. Now I’m content to let the kids play, while I sit and talk to my cousin.

We did get to see the bearded dragons get fed, which we found especially hilarious since we have to coax our own bearded dragon to eat his worms. These guys were literally climbing over each other to snag a squirmy snack.

The “doctor fish,” that eat the dead skin off your hands, is also a fan favorite that did not disappoint this year.

We had just missed the 1pm circus show, but we came back at 3pm to see the final show of the day and I’m so glad we did. Usually the show is young kids from their acrobat camp, but this year it was one woman doing a slapstick comedy acrobatic show and I was THERE FOR IT. I loved her whole bit so much, and I laughed and shrieked the whole time.

The 15yo got called up for one of the acts and she was supposed to braid her hair (with another girl) and then acrobat clown got up and started running all around and the girls had to run after her while trying to braid her hair and she kept changing directions and making the girls run into each other (and her) and the 15yo did so great and had so much fun. It was just supposed to be a way to kill 30 minutes and it ended up being the highlight of the day.

The outside was closed for most of our trip but at the end it opened and the boys were so happy. We never made it outside last time (rain), so they were really pleased to climb around our there this time.

We headed home and just read and played video games for a while before and after dinner. It was nice to have some down time after such a big day.

Monday: Webster Pool

Webster Pool is the community pool of the township where my aunt (on my dad’s side) and uncle (on my mom’s side) live. We used to need one of them to get us in with a residency card but now we can just pay more to come in as non-residence. And we’re willing to pay whatever because the pools has always had a slide, a lazy river and a couple of spring boards.

This past year they totally revamped it, like razed it to the ground and rebuilt it. Now it looks like a mini-water park. And they didn’t even raise the price of admission!

This pool is so cool. I can’t believe we get to go here every year. The kids love it because they never get to go swimming and then when they do it’s at this crazy spot! We spent six hours here and the kids had a blast.

I managed to workout when I got home, which was hard because I was covered in sunscreen and just wanted to take a shower. But I had the time, and I know it will be hard to workout at the farm so I did it. And I’m glad I did!

Tuesday: Johnson’s Shut-ins + Elephant Rocks

Tuesday was our special day trip. And boy was it special. We made it down there without problems. The weather was perfect. The kids loved the spot. We had a great time.

Johnson’s Shut-ins is a spot along a river where all these crazy rocks make little waterfalls and swimming holes and it’s just a magical place. I LOVED it as a kid, and I went back in my early 20s and then didn’t go again for 23 years. There was a flood that washed away much of the infrastructure, so it was closed for a while, and then our kids were too young to go there, and then two hours each way felt long. But finally this year we committed to going back, and I’m so glad we did. It was just as amazing as we remembered, and our kids loved it too!

After spending about three hours at the shut-ins, we changed into dry clothes and drove 15 minutes away to Elephant Rocks, another spot I remember liking as a kid.

It was 5:30pm by the time we got back on the road again, and luckily we were headed to a Culver’s on the way home.

The kids and I listened to Ready Player One for the entire four hour drive and it finished as we pulled into my uncle’s subdivision. It felt like a sign that the day was meant to be.

Tomorrow we’re going to the zoo with some other cousins. I can’t decide if I should wait and post this with zoo pictures or just put it up now. The zoo is amazing (and FREE!) and we go every year because we love it so much (and it’s FREE!). We didn’t make it to the Botanical Gardens (maybe Sunday after the farm?) or the Science Center but that is okay.

After the zoo tomorrow we need to do laundry and pack up for the farm (and pick up the husband). We’ll leave as early as possible on Thursday, spend three magical days with our entire family at my favorite place (it’s truly my favorite weekend of the year), and then we’ll head down to Memphis on Monday morning for a three night stay.

So far it’s been a really good trip. The weather has been cooperating (we didn’t get thunderstorms on our pool day and the weather was perfect today). I’ve read a ton. The kids are sleeping really well and I’m sleeping pretty decently. We’ve had a nice mixture of activities with cousins and downtime alone. I’ve worked out twice and plan to run again tomorrow. It’s been a really nice time and I’m very grateful for it. Yay St. Louis!

This week has been all about getting ready for our trip. The kids and I leave this evening on a red eye. I’ve been REALLY stressed out about the red eye. I realized half way through the week that the last red eye I was a last minute flight from Maui to LA, after spending the WHOLE day at the airport as our flight was delayed for eight hours before they finally cancelled it. We had gate checked our bags so I had to go down to baggage claim to retrieve them, but then the airline wouldn’t let me check in for our new flight until three hours before it took off, so while my husband and kids ate dinner, I was stuck outside in the heat and humidity with no food or drinks or even my ear buds (I hadn’t brought them) FOR HOURS. On the flight to LA I sat in the middle failing to sleep while both my kids slept on me. IT SUCKED. So yeah, this will obviously be WAY better than the last red eye, because I didn’t spend all day in the airport first. But man, it’s made me nervous for this flight. Anyway, here are some lists of five to wrap of this last week at home before we our first trip of the summer.

Five days of workouts

I worked out every day of the week, in anticipation of not working out as much during our trip. I am feeling strong right now and I don’t want to lose that while I’m traveling, so I will be doing body weight workouts, but still, it’s harder to find the time, so I took advantage of all my equipment this week.

• MONDAY: 15min Latin Pop Lanebreak + 45min Full Body Strength w/ Jess Sims (5/19/25)
• TUESDAY: 45min on the elliptical + 10min abs
• WEDNESDAY: Taught 1.5 hours at dojo + General class + High Belt
• THURSDAY: 45min Intervals & Arms w/ Tunde (6/16/25)
• FRIDAY: 45min run (I FELT REALLY GOOD! FOR THE FIRST TIME!) + 30min Full Body Strength w/ Jess Sims (3/2/25) + 10min stability ball abs.

Five things that got done

• We cut the high grass down in most of the square, but couldn’t get to the back because the blackberry vines have taken over back there. NOOOOO!
• Someone came and picked up the cargo bike, even though the battery doesn’t work
• Bulky recycling pick up!
• 15yo’s desk + storage space below the desk
• I backed up my photos and then deleted all of 2024 from my phone – freeing 80+GB of space!
• Oh, and I packed me and the kids. (That is six, but I couldn’t not include it)

Five medications I had to pack for this trip

• New estrogen patches (2x weekly)
• New progesterone pill (to take at night)
• Methimozole (thyroid medication) (to take first thing in the morning)
• ADHD mediation (to take in the later morning)
• Supplements (Magnesium, Estrotone (not estrogen – mostly chaste berry), Vitamin B, Selenium (antioxidant for my puffy eyes) (to take with dinner)

Five last minute purchases I made for our trip

• Medication organizers to keep track off all that shit above
• A battery operated fan (I might not bring this because it’s bigger than I expected and my hot flashes are already so much better!)
• Water shoes for me and the kids (we have a super fun day planned that will require these)
• A new phone case because mine was so scratched the facial recognition wasn’t working, and I take a lot of photos on this trip so I want the lens covers to be in good shape.
• A copy of Catching Fire because the 11yo wants to keep reading the Hunger Games trilogy

Five post-trip plans that were made

• Lots of days that I’m teaching at the dojo
• Finalized car rental and some other stuff for the advanced retreat in Oregon in early September
• Reservation for two-nights at a cabin by the Russian Rive with my sister and parents (and my kids, no husband though) for mid-August
• Reservation for 6 tubes to float down the Russian River.
• Tickets to see Ethel Cain at the Greek Theater in August (AACK! I CAN’T WAIT! I LOVE HER!)

And it’s time for us to head to the airport! Wish us luck! I didn’t even think they had red eyes from here to St. Louis but flying sucks now so of course they do. I can’t believe I won’t be sleeping in my bed tonight, and that tomorrow morning (SO EARLY) I will be in St. Louis. Let’s do this!

My labs came back and my T3 and T4 levels were damn near perfect. That same night I had devastating hot flashes. At 2am I emailed my doctor, saying that I had seen my lab results and knew my thyroid levels were good, but was still getting crazy hot flushes pretty much all day long. Since the hot flushes started with the other thyroid symptoms (and since Dr. Google confirmed hot flushes were a symptom of hyperthyroidism), I assumed they were caused by the hyperthyroidism and felt frustrated that they had not resolved. I explained I was emailing before she checked in with me about the lab results because I was leaving for a trip on Friday, and didn’t have a lot of time to communicate with her before then.

There were other reasons I assumed the hot flushes were associated with my hyperthyroidism. Not only did they start with the other symptoms, but after four weeks of taking the thyroid medication they had all but vanished. It was only when I halved the dose that they returned. Also, I had seen other lab results suggesting I was fully menopausal (post-menopausal?), but I thought hot flashes were something you got ON THE WAY to menopause – that they were a perimenopausal symptom I should be done with by now.

Bwahahahahahaha! Silly me.

She called me back this afternoon. We decided to go down to 2 pills of my thyroid medication instead of 3, so not entirely halving it like we did before (I appreciated that because splitting the pills was pretty much impossible). Then we talked hot flashes.

She confirmed I am in menopause. This felt revelatory, because it feels like a statement doctors are unwilling to make about me, I assume because I’m in my mid-40s and my wonky reproductive system denies me the signature guidepost (twelve months without a period). I must say, I was really appreciative of her just flat out saying it.

Then she explained that 44 was young to be fully menopausal. She said that our bodies were designed to have those cycle hormones until the age of 50 (or around there), and it wasn’t great for my heart, brain and bone health to be without estrogen for so many years.

I admitted that I had read the same thing, but that my OBGYN had dismissed my concerns, saying that if I were in my 30s she’s push HRT, but not in my 40s. Now, to her credit, I was solidly in perimenopause at the time and perhaps she thought I’d hang out there for the rest of the decade. I’m not sure what she would say if she knew I was menopausal now, just shy of 45.

My endocrinologist explained that she is certified (this may be the wrong word) to treat menopausal women, and had just been to a conference about it two weeks ago. I was thrilled to hear this, as I have always felt my OBGYN (who I otherwise really like), has been somewhat dismissive of my concerns around the effects of being in perimenopause so young (osteoporosis is something I’m especially worried about) and I appreciated being able to talk to someone else about it.

I voiced my concerns around my mental and emotional health on MHT, citing mood swings and a general inability to manage my emotions during previous stints on birth control, and she assured me that the dose she was suggesting was less than anything I would have received with birth control. She even offered to start me on an even smaller dose, but when she mentioned that the full dose would probably resolved my hot flushes in a matter of days, I said, I’ll start with that.

So tomorrow I’m picking up Estrogen patches to wear for three day intervals (but always I believe) and Progesterone pills to take at night. The progesterone might even make me sleepy?! What a lovely side effect that I would embrace enthusiastically.

I have to admit, I’m still a little shell shocked that I am doing this. I was convinced the hot flushes were a symptom of my hyperthyroidism and not menopause (and she said they could have been triggered initially by it, or the Graves Disease might have been connected to the menopause or something else because our female bodies are not even remotely understood by Western medicine – emphasis mine, she worded it more diplomatically) and I’m still a little shocked that I’m taking this step. But! I appreciate her response to me being fully in menopause by 45 (is this post menopausal, I’m so confused. If perimenopause is what you experience leading up to menopause but post-menopausal is when you’re definitely in it, is menopause a thing you even experience? If so when?)

Anyway, I’d love to hear about people’s experiences with MHT (Menopause Hormone Treatment)/HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). Why did you take it? What did you take and for how long? If you’re no longer taking it, what are your thoughts in hindsight? I guess I’m just wondering what your experience had been, if you don’t mind sharing it.

Is it Friday? Juneteenth really threw me off and all yesterday I thought it was tomorrow and now it’s Friday and I’m not sure what is going on. I was telling my mom about the first Valencia Entertainment Zone we went to and at first I said “last Thursday” but then I thought no, it had to have been longer ago than that. But it was last Thursday. I’ve packed a lot into a week. Also the kids already being off and in camps last week throws me for a loop. Here are some general updates at this, the end of the first full week of summer break.

Husband

I forgot how the husband gets a little sulky during summer, since he still has to go to work and the rest of us don’t. This week was a particularly in-his-face reminder because the 11yo didn’t have camp so no one was getting up and getting ready except him. I know I would be sulky if I had to work and NO ONE ELSE did, so I get it. I’m also reminding him to verbalize specific things I’m doing that bother him (like disappearing downstairs (to do a little more strength) after a late night at the dojo on Tuesday, instead of participating in kid bedtime. Fair enough!) I’m also going to be busy this weekend, but I keep reminding him that he gets a whole weekend without us (we leave on a red eye next Friday night), and won’t that be divine!? Luckily he had drinks with someone after visiting a different Entertainment Zone yesterday, he’s out with friends tonight and is planning on seeing a friend tomorrow. That makes me very happy.

Kids

The 11yo is hurtling toward tweendom like a hormone seeking missile. He’s always been tall, but now he’s TALL and he’s filling out. He just seems like an older kid. He’s consistently sleeping in until 10am when we let him, and he wants to be alone in his room a lot. He plays a lot of video games and we still need to make him read 30 minutes a day (I’m resigning myself to the fact that this might always be the case). He’s also been in the backyard for 30-60 minutes a day most days, throwing a baseball into a net and catching it to prepare for tryouts at his new middle school in the fall. He only spent one session in Level 6 at swim lessons, and this Saturday he’ll be moved up to “Free Swim” which is when they do little sets to build stamina. It’s the “pre-swim team” level the 15yo wanted to reach so badly right before the pandemic started. He’s clearly a talented swimmer, and of course has no interest in swimming for a team, but we’ll probably make him at least try it out at some point.

Not as much to report on the 15yo; I’m not struck by how much she is changing every time I look at her. BUT! She does love to watch TV and movies now (I’ve mentioned this), while the 11yo, who has been my movie watching buddy since he could watch TV is always prepared to pass on a family movie (did I mention how much he loves to be alone in his room?) It’s weird how they’ve switched on that. I wonder how long until they switch again.

House projects

The decluttering projects continue. All my clothing has been reorganized. I’ve tackled parts of each kid’s room. I took five big bags to the Salvation Army. I cleaned out the shed and put a bunch of stuff on the sidewalk. I cleaned up the garage and scheduled a bulky item pick up for next week. Shit is getting done for sure. I am riding that productivity wave! Just like I hoped to!

I had plans to cut the (VERY!) tall grass in the backyard yesterday, but the wind was crazy (gusts of up to 35mph!) so I tackled the cargo bike instead. I pulled it out from under the laundry accordion, and cleaned it off and took pictures and posted it on Craigslist. A guy responded right away, which was shocking because it’s an OLD bike and there are plenty of other cargo bikes available all over the Bay Area. I had posted it for $1000, when I really wanted $800 and that is exactly what he offered. I was thrilled! Then I went down to plug in the battery so it would be ready for him to test ride it and… it wouldn’t charge. After MUCH googling I figured out it was probably dead, like DEAD dead, so dead that the charger didn’t recognize it as something it could charge, so it just didn’t even try to. After more googling I learned no replacement battery is available, and if I can’t find someone to revive it (probably not possible), I’ll have to get it rebuilt to the tune of $500. I’m so bummed out, not because of the money, but because it’s a good bike that still works fine if it has a battery. I hate the idea that it’s useless now, because I didn’t periodically charge it. I feel awful. And while I did find a place that would look at it (this felt miraculous), they had very little hope in being able to fix it. So now I have to figure out what to do with a cargo bike that is so big and so heavy you can’t really ride it without the electric assist, except the electric assist is missing its battery. The guy who wanted to buy it is interested in rebuilding batteries, and I bet he’d take it from me for free. I’d rather someone have it and try to make it work again than spending a ton of time on it myself. I wish I had known this could happen. I feel so stupid for my negligence.

Health

I’m still getting hot flashes, but less frequently. Maybe 5-10 times a day? Actually, at least half of those are at night. I hate them and they make me crazy, but I’m trying to prepare myself for the possibility that they are here to stay. Lately I’ve just tried to breath through them, after I take off any outer layers of course, and even count to remind myself that they don’t linger long. My heart rate is also still high. When I ran last Friday it hit 200bpm! On the bike it’s frequently 175, and right now, while I’m doing a very light elliptical workout, it’s 150! I don’t understand why the medication isn’t working this time like it did the first time. I’m certainly gaining weight so it’s doing something! Just not enough? I don’t know. If I think about it too long I get really bummed out, so I try not to. I get my blood drawn on Monday, and I’ll have more information then, even if I don’t have any real answers.

I am working out a lot, and while my heart rate is high, I feel stronger than I did before my diagnosis. I really hope I can keep up my strength work while I travel, because I like feeling strong despite all the uncertainty around my Grave’s Disease.

Coming up

Tomorrow I teach Teens, then I’m assisting the lower belt test at the dojo. I should be home by 3pm, when I plan to finish cleaning up downstairs to host book club on Sunday afternoon. Sunday I take the 11yo to swim (we’re trying to decide if we should sign him up for the next level even though we’ll miss like half the lessons so he keeps up his stamina, since he’s getting moved to the next level). Then I’m hosting book club and finally attending the high belt test review, where we watch the video of the parts of the test, and share observations and tips for growth. It’s a packed weekend, but I think it will be good.

And of course next week I’ll be preparing for our trip to St. Louis. The weather there is hellacious right now (like so hot it conjures visions of hell), but I’m hoping it will come down a little by the week we get there (hoping is a strong word, it’s still going to be awful). We never wear the shorts and tank tops we pack for St. Louis here at home, so I can do our foundational packing early and just add underwear and socks as we get closer. The husband is staying behind for a few days so I don’t have to the house totally ready, though I will be doing some picking up that I’ll expect he doesn’t undo before he goes. The 11yo has camp next week, so I will have some solo hours to get all this done.

…

Quick extra thing (should have made this a Six on Saturday post)… Today I took the kids to the coast with my parents (I missed Mother’s AND Father’s Day with them) and got some pretty pictures so I’ll post them here. We had a lot of fun, despite the crazy wind whipping dust all around us everywhere we went. (I wasn’t planning to work out today, but I felt so dusty that I needed to shower and I really struggle to shower without working out. Does anyone else feel that way?)

But anyway, pictures of this beautiful state that we live in!

I’ve been going through my clothes. All of them. There are items that I loved SO MUCH, that I no longer care for, and I wonder, what has changed? Am I tired of wearing them? (I don’t think this is the case because there are some items I’ve worn for over a decade and still love.) Has something inside me changed? Has seeing images from the fashion industry changed that something inside me?

If an item of clothing has a specific utility, I will wear it until it falls apart. I have an orange puffy jacket from Uniqlo that I bought YEARS ago. It’s in rough shape: stained, misshapen. But I never part with it because all year round it’s weirdly the perfect color and the perfect weight and it has a hood and I can smoosh it into the bag it came with (which I STILL HAVE!) for travel and so I keep wearing it even though it’s looking ratty.

Meanwhile I have another puffy jacket that is basically brand new, a beautiful blue color that I love, and I never wear it because I’m always already wearing some shade of blue when I think to put it on, and then it would be too much blue. I’m going to offer it up at Book Club before I donate it.

I have an obscene number of jeans. Especially for a person who doesn’t wear jeans that much. Like I have five pairs of Vuori joggers (and one faux pair from Costco) but that seems reasonable since I wear them all the time. The jeans are a different story. I barely wear jeans and yet I’m always searching for new jeans. Do I think the perfect pair is going to change me into a person who wears jeans all the time? And why do I want to be that person?

I tell myself it’s because there are so many different kinds of jeans. And colors. And sizes! I probably have a 15lb range for wearing my Vuori comfortably, but jeans are much less forgiving. And I have no hips so when they get too big, they just fall down. Finding a good pair of jeans is hard. Some of the jeans above have been in my closet for years and I keep them because I love them and have outfits that depend on them. Some of them are brand new, and I already donated them. Some are skinny and I love them, but feel weird wearing them right now, because they are no longer in style (though I’ll wear them again with my Uggs in the winter). Some are baggy (barrel?!) and are in style but I feel weird wearing them because they look weird (are these really cool right now?!). Jeans are hard.

I hoped to fill an entire IKEA blue bag during the reorganizing of clothes, but I barely got there. I was disappointed. Then I gathered the clothes in the garage hallway and remembered that I already put a bunch of stuff in other bags. By the time I was loading all the bags into the car, I felt pretty good about how much I was getting rid of.

I struggled with what to do with the pieces that had small defects, mostly stains. Do I donate those to a place like Salvation Army that are trying to resell them? Do I try to find a shelter where they will be given away for free? On a related note, deodorant stains on clothes DRIVE ME CRAZY.

Also related, I donated a bunch of socks the 11yo never wore because he didn’t like the cut. But I put them apart from the socks he wore a ton, but just grew out of. Does Salvation Army want the used socks? Shoes are similarly difficult. There were shoes I was happy to donate because they were barely worn, and obviously the pairs my kids really wear are thrown away (actually I usually wait for a colleague to do shoe recycling and throw them in her big bag at school), but what of the shoes that have clearly been worn, but have lots of wear left? Again, it feels like donating those to some an organization that gives them away is the best bet, but I don’t know what organization that might be (I used to have one down by my parents’ house, but they closed).

These are just some wonderings born of my recent clothing reorganization and donation. I kind of love that I’m posting this first, before the “recent purchases I have loved” post, which definitely includes two new pairs of jeans ::cry laughing emoji / facepalm emoji::

On a (MUCH) more serious note, I’m also processing my thoughts for a post about yesterday’s Supreme Court death blow to trans rights. I hope to write about that soon too.

This Saturday was pretty eventful. I marched in the No King protest in SF with my daughter, and some other friends. I made two double-sided signs before hand, and held at least one of them above my head for 2+ hours. Tens of thousands of people marched in San Francisco, and it felt REALLY GOOD to be a part of it. I’m so glad that we went, and am really grateful that I got to share it with my daughter.

After the march, I stayed at the Main Library to see the author of the book I chose for this month’s book club speak. Ryka Aoki is amazing and her book Light from Uncommon Stars is really special. I couldn’t believe I got to see her after the protest. Sometimes I really love living in San Francisco.

Sunday we didn’t do much. I took the 11yo to swimming (he’s already being passed into to the pre-swim team level!), and back at home I worked out. I made dinner, then we all watched the sixth Mission Impossible movie (Fallout). It was a very nice, very low key Sunday, which I especially appreciated after Saturday.

Today was the first official day of my summer break. Last night I turned off all my alarms (I love that part) and this morning I slept until 8am. It was lovely. The 11yo didn’t have camp so the only thing pulling me out of bed was the cats. I fed them, then made breakfast for the kids (even the 15yo was up by 8:30). Then I started working on my room downstairs. I stripped the bed and laundered everything so I could put the summer comforter on our bed. Then I started gathering all the other winter clothes to put them away and pull the summer stuff out. It may seem late to do that, but it’s been chilly this year, so I haven’t felt like I had to. The other morning our heat kicked on! It’s set to 62! It has not been very warm lately.

As I was packing up the clothes, I realized I needed to take some of them to the shed. I was feeling annoyed because the shed is a mess. It’s been a disaster area since we constructed it years ago. You can’t get to anything without walking over, actually on, other stuff. It makes retrieving and storing stuff in it a giant PITA. The thought of going in there totally bummed me out.

But first I had to get the kids ready. The ILs were grabbing them both, taking the 15yo to her jewelry making camp and taking the 11yo to their house for a spend the night. After they left, I met my husband downtown for lunch. Then I visited IKEA to get a bunch of those giant $0.89 blue bags to help me with the clothing and toy purge I have planned.

Back at home I opened the shed, and started pulling stuff out. It wasn’t my plan to make the shed usable, but it’s what happened and I’m so pleased. I wish I had taken a before shot of that horrible, stress inducing space, but I did take a picture of the backyard while I was working on it, and I got an after shot. Also a shot of all the stuff I put outside for people to take (some of it is from the 11yo’s room, we went through some of the boxes in his room and packed up a bunch to give away).

When the 15yo got back from camp we decided to watch New Moon (she’s been reading the Twilight Saga). I wanted to do it downstairs while I went though more of my clothes, but I was feeling a little done after the shed, so we decided to watch it on the big TV. I did a quick workout (my official 50th bike boot camp – I’ve definitely done more since I used to record them via Zoom, and redo them, but I’ll take a new milestone) because cleaning out the shed made me feel gross and I wasn’t about to get into a bed with fully cleaned bedding without showering.

I’ve been writing this post as we watched the movie (I told her I couldn’t just sit through that one), and now it’s over and I guess I should wrap this up. I was hoping to ride the productivity wave of the past weeks into the start of summer, but I never imagined I’d quite so much done on my first official day. Now I feel confident that I’ll get through the rest of my clothes tomorrow, and will drop them off soon!