Marriage

Repair Job

Posted on by noemikjames / 25 Comments

My marriage is… okay right now. It’s not great. It’s not awful. It would be easy to stay here, in this okay place, for a long time.

Honestly though, sometimes this okay place scares me. Sometimes I’m not even sure how I feel about my husband, and I’m not sure how he feels about me.

Sometimes I’m not sure if love is even part of our equation anymore. That sounds more dire than it feels, which makes me think I’m imagining it… the possible lack of love. Surely if the love were fading, we would feel it, we would be in crisis mode.

I’m not sure.

There is a couples retreat in a early June, right before my school year ends. It’s expensive, but is a lot cheaper than actual therapy would cost. And while a weekend away is a lot, it’s logistically simpler for us to be gone for two weekend days than it is get coverage for an hour of therapy every week.

I brought it up with my husband about a month ago. He was clearly uncomfortable with the idea. Instead of really sitting down and talking about it, I kept passively aggressively mentioning that we hadn’t talked about it, and reminding him that the price went up in early May.

We finally talked about it. He’s loathe to participate in such an experience, for a number of reasons, all of which I understand (and many of which I share). To be honest, I’m loath to do it as well. But in the end I feel like we need something, and this is available and we can manage it, and it’s easier to just do it than the alternatives.

Of course it’s not easier to do than nothing.

I wonder if I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill, if this is just how it feels for two full-time parents to be married with small kids. Maybe if we wait it out, things will be better.

Then again, maybe they won’t.

We’re supposed to make our final decision tonight, but I’m not even sure which way to argue. And I know that if I don’t make a case for it, we won’t go at all.

 

Connection/Friendship/Life

Thoughts from my FB Holiday

Posted on by noemikjames / 12 Comments

I’m only three weeks into my break from FB, but I’ve been thinking a lot about what it’s like to be away.

I will admit, the first week I suffered a little withdrawal. Months ago I had relegated my FB app to the second screen of a random folder on the third screen of my phone, in the hopes that I’d use it less if it were harder to get to. (Spoiler alert, it didn’t stop me from going on FB, it just made it more annoying to get there.) I spent the first week navigating to that spot, only to find it empty. The first day I came face to face with that empty spot at least a dozen times. The next day maybe five. By the end of the week, I had stopped mindlessly swiping my way to FB.

The problem was, I quickly discovered, I had no where else to swipe to. By 10am I had usually read all the posts in Feedly, and without FB I wasn’t adding new articles to Instapaper. If I didn’t have a good Kindle book on loan from the library I had nothing to read. And without reading material, and without FB, I had absolutely nothing to do on my phone (I don’t play any games on my phone–I know I’m a weirdo).

The obvious result of this was that I was bored a lot. I would absentmindedly turn on my phone, swipe back and forth between screens, realize there was nothing to distract me and turn it off. Eventually a subtle positive revealed itself–I turned on my phone less and was more present in moment.

After a week I signed up for Lum.osity, an app with brain training games that are supposed to strengthen memory, attention, flexible thinking and problem solving. Every day the app provides a workout of five games and I have a lot of fun seeing if I can beat my previous best scores. I’ve actually learned a lot about myself and the way I think; it’s been surprisingly eye opening.

The thing with Lum.osity though, is that you have to really concentrate to play the games. It’s not something you can do mindlessly to pass a spare minute. This means that I’m still not on my phone as much as I used to be; I only turn it on when I know I have a couple of minutes when I can focus enough to play a game or read a blog post (if there are any in my reader).

Of course FB is not just about my relationship with my phone (though it played a bigger part in that relationship than I realized). FB is ultimately about connecting with other people, by sharing my life and having access to what others share about their lives. I will admit that it has been weird to not post things on FB, and a bit unsettling not to see what others are posting. I’m definitely missing out on things, and every once in a while I’ll participate in a conversation that underscores how much I’m missing.

But you know what? I don’t really care. When I find out about something I missed on FB, I realize there isn’t a hole in my life where that information should have been. Knowing these things about people isn’t a necessity. In fact, I wonder if knowing so much about so many people was actually having a negative effect on my life. I’m still not sure.

One thing’s for sure, it’s way more fun to actually talk to people now, because I don’t already know everything of note that has happened in their lives. Recently I was chatting with a colleague at work and she mentioned a new relationship that she’s really excited about. When I looked happily surprised she seemed confused, hadn’t I seen the photos on FB? No, I hadn’t, but that meant we had something interesting to talk about for ten minutes and she actually got to share a little bit about her life that I otherwise wouldn’t have known. What a novel concept!

Of course my aunts and uncles in St. Louis were sad to hear there wouldn’t be any pictures of my kids for a while. They seemed truly disappointed. I think that was the first time I realized how positive of an experience it can be for some people: even though I only see many of my aunts and uncles every other year, they feel close to my family through the photos and moments and I share on FB. That is a powerful connection for very little effort on my part.

One interesting result of telling people I’ve deactivated my account? The initial reaction. People want to know why I would do such a thing, but they aren’t really interested in hearing the answer. It’s one thing to never create a FB account, but to participate and then choose to opt out…people see it as a verdict being passed on the whole system, and anyone who participates. It’s interesting the responses I get: people are curious, suspicious, defensive, judgmental, sometimes all at the same time. FB has become a pretty big deal, and by choosing not to be on it, I seem to be making a statement. I’m just not sure what that statement is.

How do you feel about FB? How do you feel when people stop using it?

Self-compassion

Suck It Up

Posted on by noemikjames / 23 Comments

Someone close to me, someone it is my job to support, is really struggling right now. She is getting professional help, and working hard to make positive changes in her life, but progress is slow going. One of her journeys right now is trying to find a job that she feels is compatible with who she is and what she wants. The problem is that her parameters are so narrow, I’m not sure a job exists that fits all of them. The low probability of finding her dream job does not deter her, she soldiers on, as she has been for the last 9 years.

I struggle to know how to support her when we get together to talk. There are so many aspects of employment that she seems unable (unwilling?) to participate in. I try to say generic, supportive things, to be empathetic, but it’s hard because my general attitude is increasingly, suck it up.

That’s what we do, isn’t it? We suck it up. When shit is hard, but we have to do it, we suck it up and we get it done.

Now I grew up in a house where this phrase wasn’t specifically employed, but the general sentiment was definitely understood. There wasn’t a lot of coddling going on in my house when we young. Certainly my parents listened when we were struggling and supported us in any way they could; my parents paid for therapy when I was in high school and into college. They never spoke ill of my dependence on SSRIs to get through those dark times. But I could always tell they didn’t understand what was wrong with me, why I couldn’t just suck it up and get over it, whatever it was. I could tell my inability to identify the elusive it that was making miserable drove them a little crazy. And while I could discern how they felt, I appreciated that the never spoke the actual words. They were doing the best they could.

I feel like I’m in that same position now, and I worry this person I need to support can discern that I can’t really understand, that I don’t actually empathize, that what I’m really thinking is, how can you expect to interact with the world when you’ve decided that you can’t actually abide most society’s expectations.

No one likes working a 9-5 job that isn’t personally fulfilling. No one likes having to hustle for your worth, but sometimes you do it for a while to get to the next level. Sometimes you have to pay your dues.

I mean I get it, the wanting to have your job mean something. But I just don’t know if most people get to have a job that means something to them personally, especially not with flexible hours and a decent pay check. But that is what this person wants, and she’s not willing to grin and bear it at any job, even if those hard months or years mean she may some day find something closer to what she actually wants.

I struggle with this at school too, with my students. When do we push them to work through what is hard, so they can learn how much they can accomplish? When do we let them fall back and regroup?

I don’t know. Honestly, the post I really want to write isn’t about this specific person, or my students, it’s about my own now tenuous relationship with the whole suck it up mentality. I am pretty certain that there are times when my insistence on sucking it up has made things worse before they got better, probably unnecessarily so. And yet I can attribute a lot of the good in my life to sucking it up and getting it done, even when I was miserable doing it.

I feel like I need to figure this shit out because I have kids now and increasingly it will be my job to help them walk the fine line between sucking it up and throwing in the towel. How can I help them navigate this ambiguous terrain when my own map and compass are so utterly fucked?*

I really don’t know the answer, and trying to help my friend has reminded me how panicky that makes me feel.

*Accessing compassion, toward myself and others, has definitely helped me in this area but I still have so much exploring to do, so much unknown terrain to cover. You might think that extending oneself kindness would mean the abolishment of “suck it up,” but that hasn’t actually been the case. Most of the time, showing myself compassion helps me see more clearly what I need to do, I just use kinder words as I try to spur myself to do it. I’m hoping that self-compassion will continue act as a compass in these situations when I feel so unsure, but I’m still such a novice, not only at determining what direction I should take, but also at eventually setting out in that direction.

What are you thoughts on sucking it up? How do you know when to do it, and when not to?

Life

Nine Weeks

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

I can’t believe it’s already April 18th. The first week of April was my spring break, and even though my son crashed all the days I had allotted for rest and rejuvenation, it was still good to be away from work. Last week was a whirlwind of grief and emotional turmoil. This weekend offered some much needed opportunities to slow down and take some deep breaths. And now it’s solidly mid-April.

There are nine more weeks of school. On the one hand, that feels impossibly long, especially after I lost my chance to regroup over spring break, and then I was put through the emotional wringer before my break was even over. There is definitely a sense of, keep-your-head-down-and-just-get-through-this to the coming months. At the same time, after those two months it’s summer break. It feels like just yesterday that this school year started–how can it almost be over?

My daughter only has six more weeks of school–her district ends the year before the Memorial day weekend. She’ll be at camp for four weeks while I finish my school year and those weeks will be a lot less stressful at home. We really are in the final stretch. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s so, so bright.

But it’s still a pin prick and there are moments when it feels impossibly far away. I’m so tired, and I find myself falling back on emotional detachment just to get by. Occasionally something will knock me into my grief and my eyes will well with tears, but the moment is never opportune and I quickly and neatly compartmentalize my pain so I can be productive. I tell myself it’s okay to do this, that there is a time and a place to grieve, and that when I find myself in that space I’ll let it happen. Except When I have the time and space it’s late and I’m tired and I just want to play solitaire on my phone until bedtime. I’m not consciously avoiding my feelings, but I worry it’s happening anyway, and that the results will be the same.

I’m so tired, and there is so much to do before mid-June. I’m working on slowing down, on managing my expectations. There was so much I wanted to accomplish over spring break and now that time is gone and my to-do list remains virtually untouched. And whenever I mentally return to it, I feel overwhelmed.

The weather is nice right now, and the days suddenly seem so long. We have long since left winter behind and already spring seems like a memory. But there are still nine long weeks between me and what looks from here like a salvation of sorts. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other it gets here.

 

Life

Sudden and Unexpected

Posted on by noemikjames / 13 Comments

My aunt died last week. She was my godmother, my mother’s closest sister. Our families have always been close.

Her death was very sudden and unexpected. She went to the restroom and her husband found her on the floor. He is a doctor and tried to resuscitate her, but there was nothing he could do.

An autopsy later revealed she had cardiomyopathy–her heart was enlarged and the thickness of the muscles impeded the electrical impulses that must fire between the two sides of the heart. She died of a heart attack. She was 68.

My uncle and my aunt were always very close. They had been married 46 years. She worked as a secretary at his office when the children were older. Their three sons have five children between them. My uncle just retired last year; they had big plans to travel together, to spend weeks and months with their grandchildren.

My mom retires in one year. She had big plans to visit her sister, her best friend, a couple times a year.

Now she’s gone.

My aunt was a really wonderful woman, so caring and so kind. She was always ready to listen, she always said the right thing, and she always wore a smile. I can’t really wrap my head around the fact that I’ll never see her again.

My uncle is absolutely devastated. My mom is a mess. We found out Saturday morning. The funeral was Wednesday. My mom and dad flew out Sunday. My sister and I flew out Tuesday morning.

Tuesday night was the viewing/visitation. The line to offer condolences was three hours long. A lot of people had to sign the guest book and leave, they couldn’t stay that long. It started at 3:00 in the afternoon and we had to lock up ourselves at 10:30pm.

Wednesday was the funeral mass, the burial, the reception, dinner at my uncle’s house.

Thursday morning my sister and I flew home.

Today I’m back at work. I hoped the funeral would bring more of a sense of closure, but I was always between my mother and sister, holding them both up, and I never felt there was space for me to really express my own grief. I suppose I’ll be working through it for a while.

On Thursday morning I ended up in my uncle’s car as he called his home number trying to reach his son. When no one answered the answering machine picked up and I heard my aunt’s voice for the last time.

Grief is a hollow space in my chest and hot tears on my cheeks.

I miss you Aunt Mary. I’m sorry I never got a chance to say goodbye.

Life

Break? We don’t need no stinking break!

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

Monday I spent the school day with my daughter, volunteering in her classroom. She was on cloud nine. I was exhausted. (Kindergarten teachers are angles walking among us.) I left right before school ended so my daughter could head to aftercare and I could work out. Then I attended a meeting with the director of my son’s school, along with his teacher. That was super stressful and plenty upsetting–I’ll write about it soon.

Tuesday I went to work. I tidied, organized, and graded papers. I also treated myself to Mocking.jay Part 2, which made the grading more bearable. On my way home I spent an insane amount of money on a new pair of running shoes with special personalized inserts (my arches are insanely high). It’s been years since I bought a new pair and I exercise in them 3-4 times a week so I was definitely due. Actually, my knee started hurting when I run, which is what made me realize I needed a new pair. I also got a new pair of sandals, which I live in during the summer. I was already looking for a pair, and I love the ones I found.

Today I’m home with my son, who had a fever last night. He seems to be feeling better, so I’m attempting everything I already had planed for today. I’m hoping to workout while he watches some Thomas, then we’re going to meet up with daddy for lunch, because the thing I most wanted this spring break was a fried chicken sandwich from this pop-up that only serves them on Wednesdays. After an early afternoon nap, I plan to pick my daughter up early and take us to the beach as it’s supposed to be 80* on the coast today. Yep, it’s basically the day I was planning, I just have to navigate the first part of it with a two-year-old, instead of luxuriously alone.

There are still two more days of my spring break; I’m hoping to get in a little of that R&R I was so coveting. If I don’t, I’ll be okay. Attempting to refrain from blaming my mood on people or circumstances has really helped me identify my attachments, which is helping me lessen their hold over me. I still feel anger and resentment and disappointment, but none of those feelings is overwhelming.

That said, I still have a pretty big attachment to getting one day to myself this week. 😉

Financial Security

The Itch

Posted on by noemikjames / 12 Comments

I’ve got the itch.

The itch to buy shit.

I’m trying to figure out how to scratch it without spending money. I’m also trying to figure out what is causing it.

I just read a post asserting that the reason we own, and keeping buying, so much stuff is fear. Skimming through the post I didn’t disagree with his points. I’ve definitely packed too much for a vacation because I feared uncertainty and wanted to be ready for every conceivable eventuality. I keep things I should probably give away because I may “need” them some day. I can definitely see how fear pushes people to buy, and keep, things they don’t really need. I’m trying to recognize when fear is motivating me to spend.

Except fear does not seem to be behind this itch. The two things I most susceptible to purchasing are toys/clothes for my kids and clothes and shoes for myself. Those are my big achilles heels when it comes to frivolous spending. And I don’t think I buy toys and clothes out of fear.

I will admit that I used to buy toys for my kids out of fear, a desperate fear that I wouldn’t have any time or space for myself so maybe if I got this cool toy they might play with it for thirty minutes one day and I’d get a much needed break. I bought a lot of dumb toys in the hopes that they would distract my kids for any length of time, back when I was a new mother and the relentless consistency of their needs felt overwhelming. Now both my kids are old enough to play for 10-30 minutes by themselves with the toys we already have (well, sometimes) and I rarely buy something for it’s possible distraction value. (I’m also way more lenient when it comes to employing the magical powers of the TV.)

Now a days, I want to buy my kids toys because I think they would like them. My son just became obsessed with dinosaurs. We have a simple set of plastic dinosaurs from my daughter’s short lived obsession, along with three cute plush toys. We have a very simple  puzzle (and the dinosaur-shaped pieces are think enough that they can even stand up and be played with). We already have a lot of different dinosaurs toys, and there is no need for us to have anymore, and yet I’ve found myself on Am.azon searching to see what’s available. I know more dinosaur toys are totally unnecessary, but I can’t keep myself from looking. (I haven’t bought anything yet! Yay!)

The thing is, I don’t really want anymore dinosaur toys. I’m still trying to par down the amount of toys we have–buying more would directly contradict my efforts to have less. And yet I still day dream about getting my son new dinosaurs, or his most recent Thomas train favorite, or whatever little thing I think would make him happy.

My daughter recently started wearing actual clothes when she’s not in her school uniform. For the past three years she has worn fancy princess nightgowns pretty much everywhere. I was fine with it–she had to wear a uniform at school (even preschool!), why shouldn’t she be able to wear a nightgown to the playground on the weekend? So she wore her nightgowns, and in the winter she wore cotton pajamas under her nightgowns, and that is what she’s been doing since she was three.

Well now she wants to wear real clothes and it’s been fun to get her some (or take her shopping with her Nana, so her Nana can get her some). But now she has enough, and I definitely don’t need to get her anymore, but it can be hard, when I find a shirt I know she’d love, not to get it for her.

I haven’t bought myself clothes in a long time–maybe six months? Maybe I bought an item here or there, but nothing substantial. For the past year I’ve been focusing on paring down my wardrobe–most weeks two or three things I wear end up in the give-away pile when I realize I don’t really like them anymore. I’m getting rid of a lot right now, as the days warm up and I retire my more winter-appropriate items until next school year.

But I don’t have any capris (my summer bottom of choice) that fit and most of my summer tops are looking pretty ragged, with visible pit stains or small holes. I feel like I could genuinely use some more summer clothes, but I’m also sure I could squeak by without them. The thing is, I know what look I’m into and when I’m wearing an outfit I love I feel good about myself. I know I’m not supposed to care what I wear, and successful people where the same thing every day, blah, blah, blah, but is it really so bad to want to feel good when I see myself in a mirror? Is it such a sin to express myself with what I wear?

I feel like I’m always second (and third and fourth and tenth) guessing myself when it comes to how I spend my money. I know the answer is a budget, and I know that budget should reflect my values, but I’m still struggling to work that out on my own. I know my husband and I need to figure this stuff out together, but he never wants to talk about it. It’s not that he’s avoiding the budget discussion specifically, he’s just tired and doesn’t want to talk about ANYTHING of substance. So I’m left tracking my own spending and trying to figure out what my own values are, because I don’t see us coming together as a united front on this stuff for a while, and while that’s frustrating, at least my husband’s spending is pretty consistent (watching his spending via our joint account has confirmed this), and I can figure things out well enough without his help, at least for a little while.

I just have the itch, you know, for some fun new capris, for an outfit I feel fabulous in. I do think my year-plus of budgeting and minimalizing our belongings has made me see spending in a really different way, but I still get the itch, and sometimes it’s really hard not to scratch.

What itches do you get? How do you avoid scratching them?

Uncategorized

So close

Posted on by noemikjames / 9 Comments

I suppose I made it through the month without losing my shit, since it didn’t officially happen until this morning. So, yay me?

I really f*cking hate crying at work. I hate it with a passion.

At least it was during my prep, and I can always blame my red eyes on allergies.

I just have to get through five periods. I can totally get through five periods. I. can. do. this.

I started a new practice where every morning, after meditation, I vow to myself that I will refrain from blaming my negative emotions on other people or circumstances.

It has been a surprisingly enlightening experience. It really helps me put a little distance between my upset and the situation I believe is causing it. I still feel the full force of my emotions, but when they aren’t tied to something or someone I feel I can blame, they resolve much more quickly. It also helps me become aware of the attachments that are fueling my anger or sadness. What expectation is not being fulfilled? What specific outcome was I attached to and why? Without blame I can see my reactions for what they are, and respond to them more appropriately.

I will refrain from blaming my negative emotions on other people or circumstances.

It’s hard to remember, but always enlightening when I do.

Life/Parenting & Family

Insignificant Ailments

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

I have a few little ailments right now, just minor things that are bothering me. None of them is particularly significant, but together they are wearing my down.

I have a planter’s wart on the base of my big toe that I notice here and there, especially when I run. I sprained my index finger a while ago and sometimes it’s really sore. I have a zit or something in my nose that I can’t get at and there are days (after I try in vain to decimate the sucker) when every sniffle or flare of my nostrils sends a shooting pain up past my eyes. My allergies are crazy right now, so the nose zit can be really distracting.

And the allergies. Oh the allergies! Most days I want to gouge my eyes out and rip apart my throat. Everything itches! None of the over-the-counter stuff is touching my symptoms, but I found some Rx steroid nasal spray that hadn’t expired in my medicine cabinet and two days of that has lessened my suffering somewhat. I’m also using my Neti-pot daily, but my sinus are so stuffed up that frequently the water goes down my throat, which burns like a motherf*cker. Also, some days it makes me ears hurt. I think my ears/nose/throat tubing is kind of whack.

There are a couple of other aches and pains that I’m constantly trying to stretch out or massage. It’s all so minor, and yet in symphony they are making me kind of miserable.

I’m also tired. So, so tired. (2-year-old sleep regression WHHHHYYYYY?!?!?!) That probably isn’t helping any.

Two more days until spring break. I need this time off so badly. I’m trying to figure out what I want to get done and how much time I can take just for me. There is so much on my to-do list, I know I won’t get to it all, and then I’ll feel stressed and frustrated. I’m trying to prioritize and be realistic about what I can accomplish–not my strong suits.

I was day dreaming last night about what my spring break would look like if I could do what I really wanted: sleep in, eat out, get a massage, see a couple movies, get together with friends, luxuriate with a book on my bed (not clean my house, not go to work). Some of those dreams can’t come true: my daughter has school all next week so I’ll be up at 6am to get ahead of the morning routine and my friend cancelled on our night away so I’ll be home every morning. But I can approximate some what I dream of: I can afford to get lunch with my husband once and I could manage a 30 minute chair massage at the mall. I might be able to see a movie at the matinee price. All of my friends will be working, so I can’t meet up with anyone, but I can make time to read a book in bed (I just have to work at luxuriating in reading the book, and not spend the whole time thinking of everything else I could be doing).

If I work it right, I might just find the right balance of productivity and pampering. I just printed out a page with a space for each day and I’m starting to map it out. Five days seems like so much time, but when I pencil in the appointments I’ve made, and the day volunteering at my daughter’s school, and the day I need to spend at work organizing my room, correcting papers and planning, suddenly it doesn’t seem like much time at all. Especially when each day starts with taking the kids to school and ends, at 4:30pm, when I pick them up.

But it’s so much better than teaching. I have to remember that. And if I fit in a few of those things I really want to do, I might finish the week feeling refreshed. Hopefully the zit in my nose will be gone by then too. 😉