Not a Wasted Word

So, things in my marriage are looking up. We definitely hit bottom for a few days after my husband refused to go to the couples weekend. But then I wrote my husband an email (there never seems to be a good time to talk) and I explained how frustrated I was, and how disappointed I would be if he didn’t read the book and plan our DIY couples retreat weekend. I talked about why I was suspicious it would happen, bringing up his past refusals to read ANY self-help or parenting book I’d ever recommended, and how frustrating it was that he avoided using resources when he was clearly struggling. This is part of what I wrote:

I am realizing that I feel a lot of resentment about that–your refusal to try to learn new skills to better cope with challenges. Parenting Isa has been so hard, and I’ve spent so much time trying to learn new ways of managing her behavior–and my own–and it feels like you’ve never taken one concrete action to feel more capable as a parent. That wouldn’t bother me if we both weren’t struggling so much just to get by, if it weren’t such a common occurrence to get a frustrated, venting text or call in the morning, before or during my work day, if I didn’t feel I had to take the kids out most weekends to give you a break. There have been times when I’ve felt like I needed more support, but didn’t feel I could ask for it because you were already so overwhelmed. And so we created this dynamic where I’m the primary parental figure, and I’m the one who shoulders the burden of managing all of that entails, of orchestrating things behind the scenes, of learning how to best help our children through their unique challenges. That means it’s fallen to me to learn how to best manage all of this stuff, and it’s been a lot of pressure and it’s been really hard for me.

So I sent that. And then I heard nothing, and things between us remained tense. Then, that Sunday night, I was strangely “in the mood,” (this almost never happens, especially not when we’re not getting along) and I decided I would suggest some intimacy before bed. And I did. And he was happy to oblige. And we had some amazing sex. And evidently, it was just what we needed. After that, everything changed.

I still think it’s odd that we never talked specifically about the email (actually at one point we did, and he said he’d respond in writing, but that never happened), but I’ve noticed his attitude and behavior have changed a little bit since he read it. He offers to help me more. He even insisted on coming to a birthday party one weekend afternoon, something he never does. When I’ve said I was overwhelmed at work he offered two concrete times I could get away and grade papers, instead of just mentioning that I should “take a night” like he used to. When I came home from a meeting on Thursday and was clearly stressed and on the verge of losing my shit, he stepped in and took over part of the bedtime routine (even though the night before had been one of my paper grading nights) and when I emerged super late from our daughter’s room after passing out while we snuggled, he just told me he’d make her lunch for the next morning, instead of vaguely suggesting that he could.

Something I wrote clearly struck a cord with him in some way, because he obviously is trying to change. And I’m trying to meet him half way. I ask for help more, and when he offers, I take it. I show gratitude for what he does, but I don’t assume he can’t handle more. I’m sure his attitude change has helped, because he doesn’t seem as overwhelmed as he once was, and when he starts to fall back into that routine, he apologizes and soldiers on.

We’ve mentioned the DIY couples retreat with the resigned humor I was hoping we’d embrace if we went on the real retreat, which makes me hopeful that it will actually happen and might even be productive. The book I wanted him to read was available to listen on Hoopla and he downloaded it. And when I mentioned that I really thought he could benefit from the parenting book I’m reading right now (and loving) he actually asked me what it was called. I suggested he read it this summer when I’m in St. Louis with the kids, I hope he takes me up on it.

This weekend we had some frustrating moments, but we were able to talk about what was bothering us and ended up having some productive conversations. My parents had the kids on Sunday morning and we went to brunch before seeing Capitan America Civil War (so freaking amazing!) and that was fun.

And that’s where we are right now. We haven’t really talked but the way we interact with each other is changing, and I always say that actions speak louder than words, so I’m taking it as a win. I REALLY hope that we keep up this momentum, and that we’re in a good place for our “couples retreat.” My husband has said multiple times that he just can’t understand where I’m coming from on a lot of issues; I’m hoping the book will help him see things in a new light, or at least prompt him to do some exploring of his attitude and assumptions. I know that when I read the book I recognized that I was doing most of the things that pretty much guarantee your marriage will end up in jeopardy. I’ve tried really hard to break those habits and I think it has made a difference. If my husband could do the same we’d really be getting somewhere.

In the meantime, our kids still cycle through trying and less trying attitudes, but over all are not as challenging as they were two months ago. That’s probably helping things as well. In six weeks it will be summer, which is generally a good times for us as a couple, as my break from work (and now our daughter’s break from school) gives us all a break, in a lot of ways.

Thing are improving, and once again, I have hope.

How is your marriage doing these days?

We’re not going to the couples retreat. My husband was vehemently opposed and I didn’t try to convince him.

He recognizes that being the one who won’t go, he has to come up with some other plan of action. I appreciated that much.

At one point, when I was trying to sell the couples retreat, I mentioned that if we didn’t go we could always make our own couples retreat, and work through some of the exercises in Gottman’s The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work. Or we could see a therapist on a regular basis. Last night my husband proposed Plan B.

I was surprised at how vehemently opposed to that I ended up being.

The thing is, I tried to do that years ago, to work through the exercises in that book in an attempt to help us be closer. My husband’s reaction was so negative and ugly–Why would we need to do that? There is literally nothing I’d rather do less. You may like that self-help garbage, but I can’t think of a way I’d less like to spend my time.— and felt like such a vicious personal attack, that I vowed never to suggest it again. That exchange has sullied my feelings for my husband, and our relationship, in lasting ways. I don’t think I realized how much it all hurt me until he suggested it as an alternative to the retreat weekend, at which point I struggled not to break down sobbing.

I said I would participate, willingly, but I refused to execute that plan in any way. I reminded him that I’d tried to work through those exercises with him–I’d even photocopied parts of the book I thought would benefit us–and he threw it all back in my face, without ever reading a word. I told him how hurt I had been by that–perhaps it was the first time he was hearing about the pain he inflicted–and that I couldn’t bring myself to be so vulnerable to his scorn toward this kind of thing again.

He understood, or he understood well enough to concede and accept the responsibility for planning the weekend moving forward.

We talked more about why we need to do this, about how distant we’ve grown. He feels a certain amount of resentment that we have to work so hard to be happy together. He believes that couples shouldn’t have to work so hard, that if we were meant to be together, the being together part should be more effortless. I tried to explain that a lot of couples work hard at marriage, but we don’t hear about it. I suggested that as a man, he probably never heard about it, because when would it even come up? Did he even ask his friends how their marriages were doing? And what of the high divorce rates? Honestly, I still don’t think he believes me. He chalks my insistence that something must be done up to my penchant for embracing self-help and trying to better myself. I told him my own desire to be a better person had nothing to do with what I know about other people’s relationships and my certainty that other couples struggle in the ways we are.

We’re looking at the weekend after the retreat would have been: mid-June. It’s better for me at least, so that’s something. I told him I wouldn’t participate unless he’d read the entire book–no choosing exercises without any context to their purpose or importance. He grudgingly agreed. He also conceded that if he failed to follow through on this I would get to pick the next course of action.

I honestly don’t know if he’s going to pull his shit together and do this, or just unceremoniously lob the ball back to me. I suspect the latter. He has never followed through on this kind of thing before, at least not in our marriage, so my hopes aren’t high, but I’m willing to wait until he’s determined that for himself. And I’ll read the book again, just in case.

My marriage is… okay right now. It’s not great. It’s not awful. It would be easy to stay here, in this okay place, for a long time.

Honestly though, sometimes this okay place scares me. Sometimes I’m not even sure how I feel about my husband, and I’m not sure how he feels about me.

Sometimes I’m not sure if love is even part of our equation anymore. That sounds more dire than it feels, which makes me think I’m imagining it… the possible lack of love. Surely if the love were fading, we would feel it, we would be in crisis mode.

I’m not sure.

There is a couples retreat in a early June, right before my school year ends. It’s expensive, but is a lot cheaper than actual therapy would cost. And while a weekend away is a lot, it’s logistically simpler for us to be gone for two weekend days than it is get coverage for an hour of therapy every week.

I brought it up with my husband about a month ago. He was clearly uncomfortable with the idea. Instead of really sitting down and talking about it, I kept passively aggressively mentioning that we hadn’t talked about it, and reminding him that the price went up in early May.

We finally talked about it. He’s loathe to participate in such an experience, for a number of reasons, all of which I understand (and many of which I share). To be honest, I’m loath to do it as well. But in the end I feel like we need something, and this is available and we can manage it, and it’s easier to just do it than the alternatives.

Of course it’s not easier to do than nothing.

I wonder if I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill, if this is just how it feels for two full-time parents to be married with small kids. Maybe if we wait it out, things will be better.

Then again, maybe they won’t.

We’re supposed to make our final decision tonight, but I’m not even sure which way to argue. And I know that if I don’t make a case for it, we won’t go at all.