Not a Wasted Word

My birthday was Monday. My family did… nothing. Not a card. Not a small gift. Nothing. I mean I got some “Happy birthdays” and a couple hugs. My husband made my favorite meal (at my request). But afterward he threw himself on the couch, declaring how exhausted he was, and how it was all my fault because of our ridiculous travel plans (coming home so late the night before a week of camp).

And they were ridiculous and I was annoyed at myself for making them and also, he was home all week alone with the cats, working yes but also getting A LOT of down time.

He had enough time last week to see a friend twice. And to beat Zelda Tears of the Kingdom. But he didn’t have enough time to make me a card or do anything for my birthday. Yes, he picked up the house, which I requested. But is that a birthday present? Is that even something I should have to ask him to do, like it’s a favor?

Would it be a favor to him if I did it while he was away?

You may remember it wasn’t picked up because he had Covid the week before our trip and I was sleeping in the living room until the night before we left. He played A LOT of Tears of the Kingdom that week too.

I did ask for something for my birthday, by the way. But I was told it wasn’t feasible that week, but maybe in August. (I asked that he pick up the house and get a house cleaner).

I was honestly so ready to just let my birthday disappointment go. I was jettisoning it that morning as I got the kids ready for camp. But then he said something about me tidying the medicines/vitamins area and I lost my shit. He always says he can’t deal with shit himself because it’s my stuff and he’s not sure what to do with it. Can he really not go through the little tray of medicines and vitamins and pitch what is several years old and organize the rest? Or even leave a few for me that he’s unsure what to do with? Once I asked him to clean out and organize the Tupperware containers and he just moved a couple things around and called it done. There was still popcorn and other shit all over the bottom of the containers (they just sit open under our kitchen island so shit falls into them constantly) – does he not see that? Or not care? I asked him once to please wipe off our bathroom sink and even suggested he set a weekly reminder about it in case he doesn’t see that it’s getting dirty and when I mentioned it again later he didn’t remember even having the conversation.

All the books and articles say you have to ask for what you need, you can’t expect someone to read your mind. Yesterday, I told him very clearly today, in an email, that for Mother’s Day and my birthday I would like just one thing that shows me I’m seen and appreciated. No money has to be spent, just words on a piece of printer paper is fine. We’ll see if it happens. I don’t have much hope.

I feel like I spend so much time and energy anticipating his needs and trying to meet them, and honestly I resent the fact that I have to identify and articulate my own over and over again. It’s been a hard year for him. I know this. But I’m getting tired too. And I would appreciate my spouse recognizing that and trying to do a little something to show he appreciates me.

This week I’m trying to find a balance between getting some stuff done around the house and savoring the alone time between trips. Right now I plan to listen to the new Sigor Ros album (we’re seeing them in August) while I read my book. That will be lovely, a gift I’m giving myself.

My husband returned home Friday night to find the cats in bad shape. Tl;dr – a lot of clean up was required and Panther was hissing at Serval, who has a bad cut under his eye. They have never fought before, not seriously, and we were pretty worried about them both. The good news is that 24 hours later they were both a lot better. The bad news is we’re not sure how to avoid a similar incident when we’re all away again in Hawaii. We need to find someone who wants to stay at our house, and we just don’t know anyone who is interested in that.

It was a really stressful 24 hours before we felt certain the cats were going to be alright. I didn’t sleep much one night and was very distracted the next day.

Our final days in St. Louis have been low key. We’ve had two events with my mom’s side of the family, which is very big. She was one of 12 kids and most of nine who are still alive live in St. Louis. Gatherings with her side of the family are loud and somewhat confusing for those of us who only see people once a year.

We spent yesterday at fun community pool with a couples slides, diving boards and a little lazy river. Yesterday the high was only 80 and it threatened to rain all day, so we came again today because my only other idea was 1.5 hours away and my kids play together great here.

I’ve gotten to see one of my cousins that I like a lot, but who has younger kids and has been pretty unavailable the last few years. This year we got to talk a lot and the was so nice.

Tomorrow we fly to Charleston. I love St. Louis but when every one is busy it’s hard to keep my kids occupied. I’m ready to head out on a new adventure, especially since their favorite cousin friends await us there.

[I worked out four times this past week and I’m quite pleased. The weather has been pretty cool so I got to run in 68-72* temps on two different mornings, which felt like heaven. I also did two strength training videos. I don’t think I’ll get to work out as much in Charleston but we’ll see.]

On Wednesday I got a negative PCR test and decided I was done worrying that I was going to get COVID. A negative PCR test six days after being exposed made me feel very confident that I had avoided infection.

That is the good news.

This morning my husband tested negative. He tested negative against this afternoon. I can’t really believe it. I was building a shed for my friend when he took the test. I squealed with joy when he FaceTimed me. I cried (hard) with relief when I hugged him later that day.

That is the better news.

I had the shed built by 1pm and then went for a run. The sun had finally come out (after a solid week of misty rain and highs of 59) and it felt so good to get out and stretch my legs after finishing the shed and getting the good news.

When I got home with the kids from camp, I immediately took apart the couch bed. I am so excited to sleep one night in my own bed before I’m gone for two weeks. I have not been sleeping well in the living room.

So now we’re definitely going. All of us. I packed myself and the kids earlier this week, but I’m not very confident that I packed us well. I guess we’ll see. I’m feeling more excited about the trip, but I’m definitely decompressing from this week. And I’m also pretty nervous to fly tomorrow. I’ve been hearing horror stories about flying this week and this week and I’m worried we’ll miss our connecting flight for some reason.

The family just watched Nimona, a Netflix adaptation of one of our favorite graphic novel that came out tonight (we liked it a lot) and my husband is doing dishes in the kitchen (Hallelujah!) I’m so excited to sleep in my bed tonight. Have I mentioned that? Because I am.

Yesterday was a hard day. I cried in the car. On two different occasions. I was kind of a wreck.

After I wrote the post on Monday evening, I did some stretching and I swear when I was doing a downward dog I felt a burning deep in my nose like water freeing itself. And then my head hurt much less when I crouched down! I was feeling so hopefully that my neti pot drama was resolving. But then that night I work up with the worst headache across the back of my head. I haven’t felt anything like that. It was awful. I took two Motrin Migraine pills and lay still until it subsided enough to fall back asleep.

The headache stayed away most of the day but started coming back in the evening. By bedtime I had taken more pain killers, but I was spiraling that I had other symptoms. I was sure I had gotten COVID. By the time I went to bed I just wanted to give up. I was so mentally and physically exhausted.

This morning I feel better. There are still echoes of the headache, but no other symptoms got worse over night. I’m testing now. And I made an appointment for a PCR test later today, since I have to go to Kaiser anyway to pick up an allergy Rx that took forever to come available. I’m so relieved I can get a PCR test. If it’s negative today, at day 6 (5.5?) I’m going to assume I’m good to go and stop wasting RATs on myself unless I develop new symptoms.

I’m realizing that I’m going to be sleeping in my living room and living out of clean laundry bags until I travel. This is part of what broke me yesterday. I’m just so tired of this whole arrangement. I’m just so tired. When I think about our trip I’m not even that excited anymore – all I can see is the work involved. This has all just been really stressful.

But I did get into the unit yesterday – windows open, husband away, double masked – to grab what I needed to pack myself. That helped calm some of my anxiety. I was really appreciative of him going to the backyard for so long, especially since it misty rained all the goddamn day!

I’m sure I sound like I’m blowing this all out of proportion. And that I’m not nearly appreciate enough of our unit, which allows us to isolate someone with COVID so thoroughly – I promise I am! Also, I’m not even working right now! And my kids are at camp! So why is this leveling me? I suppose it’s the uncertainty. And the loneliness. And the feeling that we’re dealing with this when no one else is even thinking about it anymore. It just sucks.

And while I wrote this on my phone my RAT got its 15 minutes. Only one line. Whew. Hopefully that will get me to my PCR test later today. In the meantime I gotta get these kids up and ready for camp. I also gotta get this cat out from inside my robe.