October has not offered the relief I was hoping for, and earlier this week I kind of lost it. I cried. My husband and I had a fight. Two in fact. It sucked. I felt really despondent.
I tried to identify why things kept feeling impossible. I wondered when things were going to get better. My husband suggested that amount of exercise I’m attempting, and my commitment to the dojo specifically, were untenable. I’m actually really glad he brought that up because I’ve been feeling like he thought that way, but instead of raising the subject, he would just passive aggressively sulk around. And I’ve determined that being at the dojo four hours every Saturday (three hours + 30 mins on the bus/getting ready on either side), and then taking my son somewhere (with our without his friends) for most of Sunday so I could “give my husband back that time,” was part of the problem, because it wasn’t leaving me any time or space to get shit done around the house on the weekends. Now, at least, he has to admit that it’s a problem, so we can talk about possible solutions. That is definitely a step in the right direction.
I definitely feel some resentment, because I don’t feel like the time I spend exercising, including the dojo, is any more than the majority of the women I read (who prioritize exercise), and yet none of them seem to have issues at home with it. And it has always, ALWAYS, added stress to my marriage, because I’ve always assumed it was too much, and gone out of my way to “give back” that time, even though my husband has had various GIANT personal time commitments over the years and he NEVER tried to make space for me and my needs. I have to leave the house to get space. I take the kids away to give him space. They are two totally different things.
We still need to have an actual conversation about it. I am trying to figure out my talking points. I have historically hated this conversation because I swear he would gaslight me about his expectations, saying I was assuming he needed time when he didn’t, but then as soon as I took time and didn’t immediately reimburse him for it, he would get sulky and withdrawn.
And that is part of what pissed me off this week. He keeps asking how he can help more, since I’ve been so unhappy and overwhelmed, going so far as to suggest renting ZipCars to take the kids to appointments in the afternoon (something he would never do), and I was like, I just want to be able to be at the dojo one weekday evening and for a long stint on Saturday and not feel like I need to repay that time, and he was like that’s fine! And then 48 hours later he was sulking all over the house after I got back from my Tuesday classes. So I’m glad he finally just said it, or asked the question, have you ever considered that your commitment to exercise, and the dojo is untenable? And I asked if he meant for me or for him/our family and he hasn’t answered that for me yet.
Because I guess, if I have to “repay” that time, it is too much. But should I have to? I really don’t know. I have always done so much with the kids on the weekends, since they were little, and he rarely joins us. And when he plans things the assumption is the whole family will attend. And sometimes I don’t go, but because we’ve created this dynamic it feels like my absence on his outings is “noticed” in ways his absence on my outings is not (because he has never come).
I’m definitely going to start making sure my exercising at home happens before he gets home. That can be really hard, but I can make it work. I wish I were like those people who write that they wake up at 6am and are running by 6:10am (do they have a time turner?!), but I’m getting better at getting home and getting started within 30 minutes. Now that I don’t have to take my daughter to swimming or even pick up my son from aftercare, this absolutely is possible enough days of the week. Maybe if I can actually make this happen, he’ll be more accommodating of my dojo commitments.
And I recognize that a lot of weird shit happened in the past six weeks, stuff that wouldn’t regularly impact our routines. I hurt my shoulder (a mild sprain, but it upended my dojo time for sure), I had Covid, my husband went out of town, my son had a giant school-adjacent camping trip, my daughter got sick, a massive, historic nine-day heat wave hit, my car became infested with ants (requiring a several-hour deep clean on a weekend night), my classroom became infested with ants (making me lose my GD mind), our downstairs fridge stopped being cold (which prompted me to spend an hour on Monday fixing the door, which didn’t fix it, two hours on Tuesday cleaning the condenser coils (which also didn’t fix it), and three hours on Wednesday defrosting the evaporator cells behind the freezer (which did fix it, but it might only be temporary because the appliance repair guy (who I actually like very much), says that shouldn’t happen unless something else is faulty (I’m hoping it was the broken door, which wasn’t sealing properly for several weeks, that caused them to frost over so badly, and not a faulty part).
It really does feel like thing after thing keeps coming and they are all stressful because there isn’t much I can do to fix any of them, and I hate feeling out of control. That kind of barrage of circumstances out of my control have really thrown me for a loop (the nine-day heat wave broke me, it really did), so maybe things will settle down and I’ll feel better?
Except there is so much coming at me right now. My son’s birthday party is next Sunday and I only just invited the last person today. My daughter has her first Homecoming next Friday, and they both need help buying/making their Halloween costumes. We need to invite the grandparents over for Son’s birthday party, but we can’t do that the weekend before because of Daughter’s HoCo (as she calls it). I hate having the grandparents over on a weeknight, but his birthday is Tuesday, so we’ll probably have them then. Then my husband is out of town again, starting the 27th, for a work conference in Dubai (which means I’ll be navigating Halloween night alone). Do you think he’s brainstorming ways to repay me for that time? Ha!
{To be clear, I don’t expect that for a work trip, but I can promise you that I was not afforded any “go to teh dojo as much as you want” messaging after he came back from a six day trip with his friend in September.}
I just feel like I’m drowning. And whenever I think it will get better, life throws me something else.
I honestly thought this year was going to be so much easier. The amount of time I’m spending in the car has decreased dramatically. And yet I’m still feeling totally underwater. I don’t know how to dig myself out of this hole.
And yes, I know my husband’s years-long, high functioning depression, is also a big part of this, but he has not been open to conversations about that, so I don’t want to bring it up unless I absolutely have to.
Which maybe I do… he’s gotten to a place where it’s not as pronounced as it was, but I feel like it surely must be affecting his mood and outlook, but we’ve been in it so long we don’t fully recognize it any more. It definitely complicates things, but if he says it’s no longer an issue, then I’m going to make decisions assuming he can manage life, and then if there is fallout, because he can’t (because it still is an issue), we’ll have that convo later.
And now it’s late and I either press publish or don’t so I’m just going to do it. TGIF tomorrow for real.








