Not a Wasted Word

I’m assuming this post will be all over the place. Because that is where my brain is at.

I’m currently on the elliptical. My kids are on the pullout couch bed next to me, reading. I pulled the couch bed out this morning because tomorrow my husband and I need to sleep on it (we have friends staying over) and I figured I might as well let the kids hang out on it for a couple days. We had it out for a week during our Covid quarantine, so it brings back memories of lazy days. It’s also just a little different, and sometimes that can go a long way.

This morning they played video games on it. For several hours. It’s raining outside and I declared it a “stay home and chill day,” which we all need. I’m getting the house ready for our friends to stay over. This means a big(gish) clean – vacuuming under the furniture and such. The good news is the upstairs was already in good shape (thank you kittens!) and the kids’ rooms don’t have to be presentable (thank you doors!). The other good news is the downstairs really needed it, so I’m glad I have a reason to get it done.

Our house is not very big, but it’s honestly all I can manage. I still sometimes read the blogs of other women who posts shots of their sprawling common areas, and beautiful master bed suites and get a pang of jealousy, but it usually passes pretty quickly because I know I couldn’t manage spaces like that. I’m sure those people have other people come and clean their spaces for them, and I aspire to one day have regular housecleaning services help me out, but even with help like that I know I couldn’t manage a 2,000 square foot home, let alone something in the 3,000+ square foot range. Our house is plenty big for our family and it’s plenty big for me and I honestly no longer understand the desire for more.

I’m sure it helps that my friends all have houses about the same size as mine. We all make about the same amount of money too. It makes things easy. It’s easy to relate to each other when we’re all coming from a common place. I think part of why I like to read blogs so much is to get an idea of what it’s like to live in a different way – a different part of the country, with different weather and cost of living. It’s also really interesting to read about what other jobs are like (my close friends and I all work for the feds, state or city so even that is, in the end, pretty similar).

I was just thinking it would be cool if there were a database of blogs that you could search across different aspects of one’s life. Geography. Profession. Income. With kids or without. Single or co-habitating. I wonder what I would specifically search for if I had the choice? Honestly, at this point it’s so hard to find any new blogs to follow, I’d probably want to read them all.

And… it’s taken me way more paragraphs than I expected to go there, but I can’t not write about it. My friend, the one who is having a mental health crisis, won their right to refuse medical advice and treatment. They were released yesterday morning. They are basically just as bad off as they were exactly one week ago when the crisis began. Why it was determined they are not a danger to themselves or others is beyond my comprehension. They are still hearing voices. They are still sure the End of Days is coming. They don’t even remember information about our shared past together accurately. It’s heartbreaking to see it happen. It’s heartbreaking to talk to them and ask to see them and be told, maybe in a few days. It’s heartbreaking to hear how scary their reality is.

It’s hard. Hard not to be able to help. Hard to start putting things in motion for someone to watch my kids, only to realize it’s not necessary. At it’s least upsetting it’s disruptive and distracting. At it’s most upsetting it’s sob-inducing. But life goes on and there is nothing I can do. I’m the only one of his friends and family in the area though, so I’m left shouldering a lot.

The friend who is staying over tomorrow is one of their friends and I’m so relieved to have someone here who understands how hard this is. It’s been putting a big strain on my marriage (I want to write another post about how different people process the mental health crises of others later), and I know having my other friend here will be like having a salve for my soul. I think this friend feels the same way (and that all of this is straining their relationship in similar ways).

But since I can’t do much except try to push away the feelings of hopelessness and grief, I clean my house and tend to my children. The new year is coming and I know it’s a time of looking forward and planning and setting goals. And I want to do all that, but I also can’t right now. I just don’t have the mental capacity. Instead I’m trying to focus on what I need and giving myself those things. I’m also asking for help.

I do think one thing I want to focus on in 2023 is asking for help, specifically from my family. Yesterday my kids helped me clean out my car, and honestly they did the heavy lifting themselves. They vacuumed the floors and scrubbed the rubber foot mats to my satisfaction (and then some). My son can legitimately clean the upstairs toilet and my daughter empties the dishwasher every time (among other things). There are more things they can do (and already do), and I’m going to start having them do more (and not follow along after them doing things again). I’ve already talked to them about a couple kitten-related chores I need them to start managing. My husband is also willing to take on more around the house, and I’m brainstorming a list of tasks to hand over to him (at his request).

I’m also going to put reminders on their tablets, so they will hopefully do them without me asking. The biggest barrier to my kids helping around the house is the nagging needed to have them do it. We definitely need better systems in place to make their tasks habits.

I started to write about other things I want to focus on in 2023, but I think I have enough for a separate post and since this post was already two or three different posts mashed into one, I’ll stop here.

Sending warm thoughts into the world. For my friend, and anyone else who is lost and hurting right now.

{I started this on Christmas Day but I’m just getting it up now. It’s been that kind of break.}

Since we had kids, Christmas Day has vexed me. We are so lucky to have both sets of grandparents close by, which is generally amazing, but can make holidays a little tricky to navigate. My in-laws are usually gracious enough to cede prime-time holiday hours to my parents, but on Christmas we always want to see both. What ended up becoming our tradition was a Christmas Eve visit at my parents’ house, followed by Christmas morning at my in-laws (after sleeping at home) and then Christmas afternoon with my parents.

This arrangement has made for a really frenetic and intense Christmas Day.

But this year I asked my husband if I could go for a run at the end of our stay at his parents’ house. They live by Golden Gate Park and it would be super easy to get in a 30-45 minute run. He said that was fine, so I brought my running gear and at noon I headed out.

It was so nice to get out in the fresh air (I even felt the sun on my face for a mile or two) and to get a break from the expectations of the holiday. I got back right in time to pack up the car, and I showered at home while my husband fed the kittens.

I think I may just make an afternoon run my new Christmas tradition. We’ll see if I can make it stick.

This week has not been what I expected. I absolutely just need Christmas Day to be behind me, and soon it will be. In the meantime I’m trying to spread out the excitement, because my kids are losing their minds waiting and revealing everything on the same day will be too much. So today we’re celebrating Meowy Catmas. We won’t be with the kittens much tomorrow, so I’m glad they are getting all their presents today.

I got the kittens each a stocking at Target when they went on clearance. We open all presents at the grandparents’ houses so we don’t even have stockings at our house. It was fun to have a couple up this year, even if it was just for a week.

The little one in the middle is for the bearded dragon, who admittedly has been shortchanged on attention since the kittens came.

I built this last night. It’s also an early Xmas present for my son, because it will go in his bedroom.

Lynx loves this new tunnel. Panther isn’t so sure.

They also got a bunch of stocking stuffers. I definitely went overboard, but they also actually play with these things. Our old cat was not interested in anything really, so I haven’t bought a cat toy in 10 years. It’s fun to pick things out for cats that will actually play with them.

See! They love this stuff!

These kittens are nuts and they have turned our lives totally upside down. They are absolutely the biggest reason I’m so exhausted right now. But they are also awesome and we love them so much.

Meowy Catmas, every mew.

On Wednesday my friend texted asking if I’d heard from another friend who was up in Bay Area but missing. They had abandoned their car on the side of the road on Monday and it had been impounded. They were leaving disturbing voicemails on their friends’ phones, but wouldn’t pick up when friends’ called them. Maybe they will call you, my friend said. Since you’re the only one who still lives in the Bay.

They texted me (incoherently) that afternoon and I immediately called them back.

What followed was one of the most traumatic and upsetting evenings I’ve experienced in a long time. I spent over two hours driving around the airport trying to get my friend to tell me where they were. They kept saying Jesus was guiding me and I’d be there soon. As it became evident I was not arriving like they hoped, they because agitated and started saying disturbing things. Things that made me feel unsafe. Initially I had hoped to meet them in a public place and have law enforcement come to help. By the end I hoped to get eyes on them so I could relay their location to the authorities (their parents had reported them missing as soon as they could – 48 hours after the car was impounded).

In the end it didn’t matter because I never did find them. I just ended up driving home, in tears.

Nine of their friends went to work calling hotels and motels in the areas around where they had me driving, to no avail. We went to bed that night hoping they didn’t hurt themself or others while we slept.

I did not really sleep.

Thursday at work was horrible. My friend was posting threatening things on Instagram, but even that, coupled with what they had said to me the night before was not enough for police to ping their phone to find them.

A couple people were able to get a hold of them, but they couldn’t respond coherently to requests. We couldn’t figure out where they were, but it seemed like they were still in the Bay Area.

This morning their parents called me to say they has been arrested and were being taken to the hospital. They wouldn’t leave aconvenience store so the owner called the police. The police will not release them because of their mental state, so they will be 5150ed.

I am the local contact since I’m the only one who is up here right now. Their parents will be flying up from LA soon. I may be getting their car out of impound, but only if they hand over their keys voluntarily.

It’s been a lot. I am exhausted and devastated.

This friend was a really good friend of mine. In college, when I was kind of a mess, this friend was always there for me. We traveled around Europe together our junior years, when they were studying abroad in Florence and I was in Spain. I wasn’t always the easiest person to be around back then, but they were always there for me. They were always kind, and never judgemental. We’ve continued to be there for each other as adults too. Our birthdays are five days apart and we celebrated together a lot in our 20s.

I am so devastated that this is happening to them. Psychosis is not something one just bounces back from, even with the right meds (and they have stopped taking their meds before). I don’t understand how someone I know and love can become someone else entirely. It feels like, if it could happen to them, it could happen to anyone.

They have parents that love and support them. They have money and resources (and parents that have more of both). They have friends who care and are willing to help. And ultimately none of it will matter, because mental health is not a priority in this country and we don’t have the systems in place to truly help people having sustained, severe mental health crises.

They will be held and medicated until they are stabilized, but then they will be released and left to their own devices. And this will probably all happen again.

I want to write more but I’m tired. This has been such a drain on me mentally and emotionally. I’m glad they are relatively safe now and hopefully will be getting the help they need. I hope….

I woke up early today, but I’m getting a ride to school (so my husband can take our son to Dave and Buster’s for half-off games Wednesday), so I can’t leave early. Instead I’m sitting in front of the heater, negotiating the many bandaids I have on my finger tips to help heal the skin fissures that refuse to close to tap out this post on my phone.

And now I’m also negotiating kittens.

Well the heater turned off and my sweater was done in the dryer so now I’m sitting in front of the heater (it came on again) but fully dressed and with my coffee ready to go too. I really love heaters. We didn’t have any heat for a couple years, when our heater broke and we were too financially strapped to fix it. Those years were rough. It was so cold at night and rarely got over 60* during the days.

I know it never gets truly cold here but our houses are also not built for the cold. We don’t have the insulation needed to trap heat. Our doors and windows are old and drafty. My good friend, who is from Chicago assures me that we hang out in much colder houses here than they did growing up on the shore of frigid Lake Michigan. My visits to St. Louis at Christmas corroborate her story.

The thermostat at my school is forever set to “Holiday” so it’s a crap shoot what the temperature will be when I arrive. On Monday it was 50* in my room when I got there. It took 30 minutes to get it to 64*.

But at least we don’t have to teach with the windows and doors open. Maybe that would be a good idea with all the respiratory illness circulating, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It was so miserable last year. I am wearing a mask again this week, in an attempt to stay healthy for the holidays. Hopefully that will be enough.

My friend just texted that she’ll be here soon. Just two more school days.

Let’s do this.

Some happenings around here:

It’s been quite chilly – highs in the 40s – and I’m VERY glad we got our downstairs heater fixed in November. I’m also loving leg warmers, which actually keep my legs warm! It’s not just a clever name! I’ve been wearing them with my holiday leggings and Uggs almost every day.

It’s December 20th and I’m STILL AT SCHOOL. Tomorrow and Thursday are minimum days. Yesterday was supposed to be a regular day but a water main broke and they had to shut off the water at 11:30am so we had to dismiss students early. It was an absolute shit show, but I was relieved because I didn’t do any work over the weekend and realized when I walked into my classroom at 7:30am that I was kinda screwed. Not having to meet with my 5th or 6th periods helped me out.

The weekend was obviously not worked-filled. My parents took the kids on Saturday and my husband and I went out for dinner and drinks. Sunday we went to brunch and I wrapped presents before heading down to my parents’ house to join them at WinterFest, the holiday themed extravaganza at our theme park. It was VERY cold (36* by the time we left!) so we only lasted a few hours, but it was fun to see the lights and go on a few rides.

Monday I had to drag my ass to work at 7am, but as you read above, the day was short. I ran an errand on the way to my parents’ house, where I picked up my kids. Monday night I scored the tests and projects I had not gotten to over the weekend, so today at work was a lot better.

But it was still stressful because I had to attend a 504 meeting during 5th period, which was one of the classes we missed yesterday because of the water main break. So now that class is WAAAAAY behind. I’m not sure if I want to scramble to get them caught up of just say fuck it and figure it out in January. (I’m leaning toward the latter, mostly because five kids were out last week and have some portion of their big assessment to make up).

Tonight I’m going to sparring, which I’m excited about. My husband rocked it hosting my son’s friend and then my daughter’s friends and now he is totally wiped, but he’s still telling me I should go to sparring, so I’m going to go. I need some time away from my house and family and the dojo is closed the rest of the break.

Tomorrow is our holiday party at school. Thursday we get out early and I may run after work. My husband is taking the the rest of the week off, and we may hit up a museum on Friday. Honestly, I’m tired and I just want to get the weekend over with. I’m ready to be done with Christmas, but I always feel that way right before it finally happens.

How are you doing? What’s happening around your parts?

I’m not quite sure where head’s at these days. I feel most days I go to sleep sure I’m going to wake up sick, with my ears aching and my throat twingy, but sickness never comes. I’m tired all the time. I have a headache I can’t get rid of. I just want to crawl into a hole.

This afternoon I’m meeting with friends for dinner,. and it’s all I can do not to cancel and stay home, curled up on the couch. If my kids weren’t at home requiring things of me, I’d probably do that.

My kids start their winter break this afternoon. My district doesn’t start until next Thursday afternoon. We haven’t had different winter breaks ever, not in the eight years my daughter has been in school. It sucks when Christmas falls on a weekend.

I remember once when it fell on a weekend we had a Wednesday to Wednesday break. IT WAS AWFUL. We lost one of the weekends so it felt extra short. Tons of kids were out on the Monday and Tuesday before and the Thursday and Friday after. Those of us that stayed felt like suckers.

So I’m glad we’re not doing that. There’s always a silver lining right?

And honestly. I appreciate having more time off after the holidays. I remember last year Christmas was on Saturday and we had the week before off and I didn’t like all that down time before Christmas. I kept thinking I should go get more presents, even though we definitely didn’t need them. But I don’t travel, so I understand why having the week (or at least some days) before is important.

My husband is taking multiple days off. And grandparents are helping. It’s only four days, and we’ll make it work. But it’s weird and next week is going to feel interminable. There won’t be any kids at school and a ton of teachers are out too. It won’t be fun.

I think I have all my presents at home or ordered. I think I’m pretty much ready to go. But whenever I think of this break I feel stressed. I don’t anticipate returning to work refreshed, but maybe with four days of my kids in school and me off, I will regain my footing.

There is so much going around right now though, it feels like if we all stay healthy (or healthy enough) it will be a miracle. I’m definitely wearing a mask at school next week. I’m not sure it will be enough.

So many gift cards! So much $$$$! But teachers need it, especially the teachers at my kids’ schools so it’s what we do every year.

So… for today’s post it’s…kittens! For real though these kittens are so nuts. They are just out of there fuzzy little heads.

Am I the only one who sometimes doesn’t know what she needs? Or isn’t sure what to prioritize when two goals are seemingly not in sync?

On Saturday, I woke up to wind and rain again. You may remember that last Saturday that was the case and I delighted in a day at home. This Saturday I was supposed to go to the dojo, but on Friday night I’d felt a little off (ears felt achy and hot, throat was twingy) and I was already wondering if I’d be able to go, so when I woke up feeling better, but saw the rain, I wasn’t sure what to do.

I agonized over the choice for a couple of hours. On the one hand I had LOVED staying home last Saturday, and found the idea of not leaving my house, after a week of relentless errands, very appealing. On the other hand I hadn’t gone to the dojo all week because I expected to go on Saturday. In fact I hadn’t gone since LAST Tuesday, because it was closed last Saturday (hence no dilemma last weekend when it rained). So it felt really important that I went this Saturday. But my week had been rough, and wind and rain were ugly, and I didn’t relish the thought of waiting for the bus in the storm. Also, when I haven’t been for a while, it’s so much easier to continue not going.

In the end I didn’t go. And I ended up being find with that decision, and eventually I reveled in staying warm and dry at home, and got a lot done. But I also think I would have been happy that I’d gone, if I had made it to martial arts.

I guess I’m just not sure how to manage those moments, because I really did agonize over the decision all morning, and I’d love to save myself that kind of mental anguish. I suppose I need to really know what my priorities are, and I did end up looking at it like that. In my little planner, my goal for December was to get through the holidays with my sanity in tact, and that week I definitely felt my sanity slipping away. I also plan to start preparing for my next belt test in the new year, and I know I’ll have to show up at the dojo a lot to do that. So I made the choice to stay home this past Saturday, instead of braving public transportation during a storm to go.

I don’t know. Maybe I did figure it out, in a way, and I’m just writing about it to process the experience so I’ll learn from it. Or maybe not. I do think that sometimes my goals are in conflict with each other, and I’m not sure how to reconcile that when there are hard choices to make. We read a lot about learning to say, “no” and a lot of those articles imply that most of the time we know when we should say no, we just say yes out of habit, or a sense of obligation, and recognizing that is all we have to do to fix the problem and start saying “No!” But I’ve always felt like it’s not as simple as all that. Like I’ve mentioned before, I never want to assist at the dojo in the moment, but I almost always am glad I did after the fact. I could tell myself that I’m prioritizing my own well-being by saying no to volunteer requests. But I also find that I enjoy assisting there, and also feel generally better when I’m there knowing that I do assist on a regular basis (so I don’t feel bad on the days I don’t respond to requests to assist).

I guess all that is to say, it’s more complicated than the articles make it out to be (shocking!), at least for me. And if you’re struggling with knowing how to prioritize your goals, so that making the hard choices is a little easier, you are not alone.

If you have any thoughts on this, or tips you’ve developed to manage it, I’d love to hear them!

Lately, I’ve noticed that by the end of the day, my brain is tired. Like, so, so tired. I used to work long hours into the night, prepping and planning, grading papers. Or doing PTA stuff! Or copy editing! But these days there is no way. Just making a new retake test for my 1A class felt like a horrible slog. My brain just doesn’t seem to have the stamina it used to. Is that just because I’m getting older? I’m only 42. Some women, many where I live, are having their first or second kids at 42. They are getting no sleep and continuing to work at their jobs. How do they do it, when I hardly feel like I can get through the week with my reasoning in tact?

My husband and I have a lot of friends who are just now having kids. We talk a lot about the benefits and drawbacks of having them earlier and later. (Have I written about this before?) It was pretty hard on us to have them at 30 and 33. My husband wasn’t really ready. We, as a couple, certainly weren’t ready. We felt like we’d barely enjoyed our lives together and we were already throwing kids into the mix. We also had so much less money. Paying for childcare was a real hardship back then.

But our parents helped us out a lot, and they could do that because they were younger. It’s clear that now, in their 70s, they wouldn’t be able to handle two young kids like they did back then (and my in-laws have confirmed as much after every visit with their now 3 and 5-year-old grandchildren). Of course all our friends who are having kids now are much more financially stable, so paying for the childcare we got for free from grandparents is much more feasible. We also wonder if it was easier to give up our no-kids lifestyle since we’d had less chance to enjoy it. Or if actually it’d be easier to give it up if you’d lived that way for a long time and felt ready for something new?

Obviously this is all a pointless thought exercise. Very few people really get to “choose” when they have kids. I suppose we could have, but I suspected we’d have trouble conceiving and so I pushed us to start early and when I found out at 33 I had the ovarian reserve of a 45 year old, my suspicions were confirmed and I felt incredibly grateful that we rushed into it. That my husband was willing to rush into it.

But the real point of this is that these days my brain is tired. And I can only imagine how tired it would be if I had a newborn or toddler and were properly sleep deprived. Now I’m just menopause and stress-induced sleep deprived, which are not the same. When I think back on all I took on back when my kids were little – copy-editing for the GGMG magazine, taking writing classes at Berkeley Extension, running the PTA at my kids old school – and what I feel capable of taking on now, it’s like I don’t even recognize the person I was. How did I have all that energy? How did my brain keep working so late into the night?

I honestly can barely finish this post, which I started in November and just reopened tonight. Sometimes it bums me out, how much less I can do now. But most of the time I’m just too tired to care.