Not a Wasted Word

Happy Halloween! I meant to post this yesterday but it didn’t happen. Par for the course around here lately. {I do plan on participating in NaBloPoMo this year, though my recent track record would suggest I will struggle to post daily.}

Blerg. I try to keep it pretty positive here, but sometimes you just need to get out the gripes and grumbles, you know? And now is one of those times.

I lost a bag with some running clothes and my (very expensive) pair of Shokx open ear headphones. I remember I threw it all in a TJs bag and brought it into my room one day when I hoped to run after work. But I didn’t end up running and that bag went… who knows where! I haven’t run in ages so I didn’t realize it was gone until I went last weekend. At first I thought I just misplaced the headphones, but then I went looking for that particular running shirt and couldn’t find it either and remembered THE BAG. I have spent hours looking for THE BAG to no avail. I would look all over at home, then assume it was at school. Then I’d look all over school and assume it was at home. I was still in this endless cycle of increasing frustration when I went looking for a blue tutu I swore was at school (I have a bunch of different colored tutus for class video skits), but that was gone too! So I added a blue tutu to my “it’s at school, no it’s at home” cycle and thoroughly lost my mind.

At one point I realized I was as mad about the time I was wasting as I was about the lost items, and I finally just let it go.

Except, when I look for something for long enough I just get in that mindset and every time I walk into a room I look around wondering, could it be hiding in here? It’s truly driving me crazy. I HATE losing things. I’ve lost so many things in my life. I hope when I die I get to sit in a room and watch a slide show of where everything I lost ended up going, complete with a flimsy tripod holding the projector screen.

Another thing driving us crazy is our academic calendar. They moved our January PD (professional development) to Nov 1st, which means we have one less instructional day in our first trimester. I do get to visit our feeder high school that day, which I’m VERY excited about, but that day off is making it hard to finish everything I need to comfortably in the first trimester.

My next gripe is actually about the regular calendar because Thanksgiving week being the last week of November is making me crazy. Because it’s so late, we end our first trimester a week before the break, and have one week of the second trimester right before the week off. This is soooo annoying for so many reasons (assessments that count for Tri1, need to happen in Tri1, which means will be starting new material and then leaving for a week long break. Blerg.) But my grievances don’t stop there! The late Thanksgiving Break means we only have 3 weeks of instruction in December, except it’s not even a full three weeks because we have Friday 12/20 off and that Thursday is a short day?! Why?! Again, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to have an assessment when we come back from a two week break – somethings really should get done before we leave for such a long time. And when we come back from that break we’ll have TWO FULL WEEKS before MLKJr day off on 1/20. UUUUGH.

I really do not appreciate our academic calendar this year. It’s making the part of me that loves to make things fit nicely into the time provided want to tear her hair out.

Update: I planned out November and December for my 1A class and I feel a lot better about it.

Many of my classes have been watching Coco this week, as a culmination of our Day of the Dead unit, and I’ve been trying to use that time to put barcodes on all the books in my 1A and 1B libraries. I finally figured out how to generate the barcodes, but didn’t realize until it was too late that they printed in a totally random order. It took forever to locate each one. The good news is, I think I know how to avoid it happening for my 1B library. Fingers crossed!!!

Speaking of work gripes, I have so many kids this year who are missing so much school. I have 11 students who have missed 7+ days already this school year! I probably spend a third of my time posting digital copies of work for missing students (which they don’t do), or responding to their emails, or scoring and inputting their work weeks after we did it. I obviously don’t want students here sick, but none of these students are out for that many days because they are really so sick they need to stay home each time. School avoidance is real and it’s a massive time suck for teachers. Massive. (A few of these students are missing school for travel sports, which I will not speak my mind on because my views might not be popular.)

My final grumble is that I got my son’s cold. It’s not a bad one, but I don’t feel great. And today I’ve sneezed a thousand times I swear! I’m not sure what is going on, but my nose just itches constantly and I’m sneezing like crazy. It’s driving me nuts!

Tonight my daughter will be out with her friends and I’ll be taking my son out with his friend group. I’m exhausted and just want to stay home, but my husband is still in Dubai so I’m on tonight. Blerg. Maybe next week will be better…? I can’t believe tomorrow is November.

This was going to be a Five on Friday post and then a Six on Saturday post and now I’m barely getting it up on Sunday night. Blerg. I need to find better ways to prioritize blogging.

In the meantime, there are seven things making me smile today (and yesterday and Friday).

Brat shirt

My daughter and husband got me a Brat shirt at the Charli XCX concert. I cut it and I love it and I got a ton of compliments on it on Friday. Yay!

Friday Happy Hour

Son was invited to a birthday party on Friday afternoon. He was picked up from school and wasn’t home until 8:30pm. It also happened to be one of the few Fridays that the staff from my school got together for happy hour. I usually can’t go to these events, but this Friday I could! And it was lovely and I’m so glad it worked out timing wise.

Three good workouts

Somehow I managed to work out on Friday after happy hour. I did a 15 minute hill climb and then the final 30 min (full body) class of week 1 of Dale Duro. Saturday I went to sparring and then stayed for forms and high belt class. Sparring was intense, and so was forms – I was sweating bullets and so tired. Today I went for a short run (first time in forever) and then did the first class of the second week of Dale Duro (legs and glutes). I’m pleased with the ending to this week’s worth of workouts.

Taught Teens class without a lesson plan

I usually spend 30-60 minutes writing a lesson plan when I teach the Teens class at the dojo, but this week I just went for it. It was targets, which are easier to manage without a plan, but I was still proud of myself. I’m trying to sign up to teach more Teens classes, so I need to start feeling more confident about teaching without a written lesson plan. This was a good start!

New idea for school + Mega cardstock pack

I thought of a new way to do something at school and it solves several long standing problems. I am stoked! I should have time this week while my students are watching Coco to make it happen too. Speaking of school, I went to Office Depot on Wednesday to get cardstock for my book bingo boards and they didn’t really have a good set of colors, so I ordered a pack on Amazon. The colors are perfect, and there are 64 sheets of each color, which means I will have exactly enough for next year too! This pack has 50% more cardstock for $4 less than at Office Depot. Woot!

Book Club (+ I liked Here One Moment)

I got my book club book done literally minutes before we met. I really liked it! And I enjoyed talking about it at book club. (Mostly I loved hanging out with adult friends at book club – I was there for three hours!) I also finished Liane Moriarty’s newest book Here One Moment and ended up really liking it. I will admit the middle third was rough for me (just so much thinking about death, which can get to me), but I loved how it all came together at the end. I listened to the first third at x1 and the middle third at x1.5 then x1.75!), but ended it at x1.25. I listen to Liane Moriarty’s books because I LOVE the narrator, Caroline Lee. This book has another narrator as well and I really liked her too! It’s hard to hold one’s own next to Caroline Lee so props to Geraldine Hakewill.

Husband left for Dubai

My husband left for a work conference in Dubai today. He’s been working through BIG feelings about it and I’m relieved he is finally on his way so I do not have to help him manage those big feelings anymore. I hope the conference goes well, and that the kids and I survive Halloween on our own.

Speaking of Halloween, Son’s Deadpool costume came earlier than expected today and it actually fits him okay. He’s not sure he’s going to wear it, but it’s nice to have options. We may keep it for next year if he doesn’t want to wear it this year. (He has never seen any Deadpool movies, but he does read some of the comics on Marvel Unlimited (they are less R-rated.)

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. We still haven’t had our follow up conversation, but I shared an ideal week template with my husband and suggested we each come to the table with what we’d ideally like our weeks to look like, so we can hopefully find a compromise that satisfies both of us. I’m hoping that will keep the conversation productive, and prevent it from spiraling into animosity. The last thing I want to do is rehash old resentments (something I’m prone to doing), which will not help us move forward. I promise I will update once we’ve talked about it more.

In the meantime, and in an attempt to stay positive, here are some things I’m either enjoying, or looking forward to.

Enjoying

Pumpkin flavored things. My husband went to TJ’s last weekend and got ALL the pumpkin stuff I love. I’ve been eating pumpkin brioche with pumpkin cream cheese, and I just made pumpkin pancakes. There is other pumpkin stuff in our cupboard and I love it all. My love of pumpkin stuff is definitely not of the caliber of some people, but it used to be and I still enjoy it quite a bit. I’m happy there is more pumpkin flavor in my immediate future.

Cooler weather. It still is not properly cool, but I will take mid-70’s over mid-90’s any day. Every time I feel a cool breeze on my face I feel giddy. I just hope it starts to feel like fall soon.

Great America. I took the kids to Great America today and the lines were short and we got on a ton of big rides with almost no wait time. My son rode my favorite roller coaster (Flight Deck – formally Top Gun) for the first time, and in the front row (the only way to ride it) and he loved it. My parents joined us for the final hour and a half and then took the kids back to their place.

Looking forward to

Date night with my husband. My parents took the kids so we could enjoy a date night. We need to reconnect and enjoy ourselves. And I think if we do that before our big convo, we’ll be better able to really hear each other and be open minded about each other’s requests. We’re also seeing a band I loved in college, which is a last minute addition to the night and one I’m thrilled about.

My son’s birthday being over. Kind of a cop out since it’s a gripe wrapped in a “looking forward to,” but it’s a week from Tuesday and by then the family birthday, the friend party and the managing his emotions about it all, will be over. I’m very much looking forward to getting his birthday out of my brain.

Day of the Dead + Halloween. I’m already teaching Day of the Dead at school and it’s been a lot of fun. I love the holiday and I love teaching my students about it. I wish the dominant US culture made space for remembering people who have died in a celebratory way. I’m grateful this holiday has made space for that in my life.

As for Halloween, I’m a little anxious about managing the actual day (and the prep leading up to it), myself, but I still am looking forward to it. I love the decorations and the costumes. We did my daughter’s costume cheap (we dyed last year’s Clueless skirt dark green, she’s borrowing a top from my mom and found a jacket at a thrift store), my Minion costume was very reasonable (that is what we’re being at school) and hopefully my son’s Deadpool costume will come in time (I def shit the bed on this one – I’m annoyed at myself – but I do believe it’s more likely to arrive on time than not.)

My new (to me) Peloton bike. Holy shit getting it in my car was a shit show. But we managed it (it stuck out the back of the trunk and was held in by my bike rack), and driving home from that side of the city on a Friday at 6pm was excruciating, but it’s at the house and it works and I’m so excited to try it. I got pedals that have both clips and toe cages and they came today, so I’ll be able to try it tomorrow (I have clip shoes, but they are at my parents’ house). It’s a really sleek machine and is sooooo much smoother to ride than my $200 stationary bike. I can’t wait to know what my resistance is! And my output! I’m very much looking forward to taking my first official Bike Boot Camp class tomorrow.

Do you have a three day weekend? What are you enjoying and looking forward to right now.

October has not offered the relief I was hoping for, and earlier this week I kind of lost it. I cried. My husband and I had a fight. Two in fact. It sucked. I felt really despondent.

I tried to identify why things kept feeling impossible. I wondered when things were going to get better. My husband suggested that amount of exercise I’m attempting, and my commitment to the dojo specifically, were untenable. I’m actually really glad he brought that up because I’ve been feeling like he thought that way, but instead of raising the subject, he would just passive aggressively sulk around. And I’ve determined that being at the dojo four hours every Saturday (three hours + 30 mins on the bus/getting ready on either side), and then taking my son somewhere (with our without his friends) for most of Sunday so I could “give my husband back that time,” was part of the problem, because it wasn’t leaving me any time or space to get shit done around the house on the weekends. Now, at least, he has to admit that it’s a problem, so we can talk about possible solutions. That is definitely a step in the right direction.

I definitely feel some resentment, because I don’t feel like the time I spend exercising, including the dojo, is any more than the majority of the women I read (who prioritize exercise), and yet none of them seem to have issues at home with it. And it has always, ALWAYS, added stress to my marriage, because I’ve always assumed it was too much, and gone out of my way to “give back” that time, even though my husband has had various GIANT personal time commitments over the years and he NEVER tried to make space for me and my needs. I have to leave the house to get space. I take the kids away to give him space. They are two totally different things.

We still need to have an actual conversation about it. I am trying to figure out my talking points. I have historically hated this conversation because I swear he would gaslight me about his expectations, saying I was assuming he needed time when he didn’t, but then as soon as I took time and didn’t immediately reimburse him for it, he would get sulky and withdrawn.

And that is part of what pissed me off this week. He keeps asking how he can help more, since I’ve been so unhappy and overwhelmed, going so far as to suggest renting ZipCars to take the kids to appointments in the afternoon (something he would never do), and I was like, I just want to be able to be at the dojo one weekday evening and for a long stint on Saturday and not feel like I need to repay that time, and he was like that’s fine! And then 48 hours later he was sulking all over the house after I got back from my Tuesday classes. So I’m glad he finally just said it, or asked the question, have you ever considered that your commitment to exercise, and the dojo is untenable? And I asked if he meant for me or for him/our family and he hasn’t answered that for me yet.

Because I guess, if I have to “repay” that time, it is too much. But should I have to? I really don’t know. I have always done so much with the kids on the weekends, since they were little, and he rarely joins us. And when he plans things the assumption is the whole family will attend. And sometimes I don’t go, but because we’ve created this dynamic it feels like my absence on his outings is “noticed” in ways his absence on my outings is not (because he has never come).

I’m definitely going to start making sure my exercising at home happens before he gets home. That can be really hard, but I can make it work. I wish I were like those people who write that they wake up at 6am and are running by 6:10am (do they have a time turner?!), but I’m getting better at getting home and getting started within 30 minutes. Now that I don’t have to take my daughter to swimming or even pick up my son from aftercare, this absolutely is possible enough days of the week. Maybe if I can actually make this happen, he’ll be more accommodating of my dojo commitments.

And I recognize that a lot of weird shit happened in the past six weeks, stuff that wouldn’t regularly impact our routines. I hurt my shoulder (a mild sprain, but it upended my dojo time for sure), I had Covid, my husband went out of town, my son had a giant school-adjacent camping trip, my daughter got sick, a massive, historic nine-day heat wave hit, my car became infested with ants (requiring a several-hour deep clean on a weekend night), my classroom became infested with ants (making me lose my GD mind), our downstairs fridge stopped being cold (which prompted me to spend an hour on Monday fixing the door, which didn’t fix it, two hours on Tuesday cleaning the condenser coils (which also didn’t fix it), and three hours on Wednesday defrosting the evaporator cells behind the freezer (which did fix it, but it might only be temporary because the appliance repair guy (who I actually like very much), says that shouldn’t happen unless something else is faulty (I’m hoping it was the broken door, which wasn’t sealing properly for several weeks, that caused them to frost over so badly, and not a faulty part).

It really does feel like thing after thing keeps coming and they are all stressful because there isn’t much I can do to fix any of them, and I hate feeling out of control. That kind of barrage of circumstances out of my control have really thrown me for a loop (the nine-day heat wave broke me, it really did), so maybe things will settle down and I’ll feel better?

Except there is so much coming at me right now. My son’s birthday party is next Sunday and I only just invited the last person today. My daughter has her first Homecoming next Friday, and they both need help buying/making their Halloween costumes. We need to invite the grandparents over for Son’s birthday party, but we can’t do that the weekend before because of Daughter’s HoCo (as she calls it). I hate having the grandparents over on a weeknight, but his birthday is Tuesday, so we’ll probably have them then. Then my husband is out of town again, starting the 27th, for a work conference in Dubai (which means I’ll be navigating Halloween night alone). Do you think he’s brainstorming ways to repay me for that time? Ha!

{To be clear, I don’t expect that for a work trip, but I can promise you that I was not afforded any “go to teh dojo as much as you want” messaging after he came back from a six day trip with his friend in September.}

I just feel like I’m drowning. And whenever I think it will get better, life throws me something else.

I honestly thought this year was going to be so much easier. The amount of time I’m spending in the car has decreased dramatically. And yet I’m still feeling totally underwater. I don’t know how to dig myself out of this hole.

And yes, I know my husband’s years-long, high functioning depression, is also a big part of this, but he has not been open to conversations about that, so I don’t want to bring it up unless I absolutely have to.

Which maybe I do… he’s gotten to a place where it’s not as pronounced as it was, but I feel like it surely must be affecting his mood and outlook, but we’ve been in it so long we don’t fully recognize it any more. It definitely complicates things, but if he says it’s no longer an issue, then I’m going to make decisions assuming he can manage life, and then if there is fallout, because he can’t (because it still is an issue), we’ll have that convo later.

And now it’s late and I either press publish or don’t so I’m just going to do it. TGIF tomorrow for real.

In fact, it feels like the hottest possible summer…in the desert. Because even the summer is not hot here, especially not as hot as it has been.

Because it’s been IN THE 90s, even in the city, almost all of this week.

It’s literally NEVER in the 90s in San Francisco. I really cannot express vehemently enough how weird this weather is. Especially for October.

My classroom, like much of my school, has no AC. It’s been in the mid- to high-80s in my room for the better part of the school days. It’s miserable teaching in that kind of heat, though I know many teachers have it worse.

Tuesday was the hottest day. Today was about 3-5 degrees better. Tomorrow is supposed to be a little better still. Let’s hope so because tomorrow I have no prep and with 30+ adolescent bodies in my room all day, it will get really hot really hast.

I was supposed to go to the dojo yesterday and today but didn’t make it either time. Yesterday I was already considering skipping because the dojo is on the third floor of a building in the hottest neighborhood of the city and I knew it would be brutally hot in there. Then, on the way home from my chiropractor appointment, I took a drink from my YETI cup and only AFTER realized it was SWARMING with ants. I’ve never had ants in my cat but I guess the heat and dryness sent them searching for water. There was definitely other food debris in there that might have initially enticed them, so I promptly emptied the whole car and vacuumed and cleaned it out like I’ve never done before. It literally has never been this clean since we drove it off the lot.

And I couldn’t stand how dirty the outside was when the inside looked pristine, so I used the last rays of daylight to clean the exterior too.

Today my daughter had a dentist appointment and they decided to fill her cavity AND do the sealants we had scheduled for another visit so she was there two hours. Luckily the dojo closed from of heat, because I would have missed it anyway. Also luckily the books my new chiropractor (whom I loved) recommended came, so I had them to read during the two hours. For the first time in a long time, I actually believe I might be able to avoid a lifetime of lower back pain (more on this later).

After her dentist appointment I took my daughter to In-n-Out, where we had a good conversation about many things that have been on her mind lately. The start to high school has been rocky, but she’s handling it really well. It was good to chat with her about a couple issues that had been bugging her. I really appreciate that she still wants to talk to me.

I got my son’s birthday party invite done this morning, and that’s been on my radar for a while. Tomorrow I plan to send it out. I also backed up my work computer and they brought me a new one, which is lovely to use. My old one was overheating constantly, and turning itself off regularly, so it’s really nice to have a new machine.

My husband came back Monday and it’s been… up and down. I’m realizing that I’m pretty unhappy with a lot of my home life right now, which doesn’t leave a lot of space for me to coddle him when he’s feeling down. I’m not quite sure how it’s all going to play out.

Finally, my stationary bike is busted. It’s been knocking a lot and I tried to tighten some stuff and realized I overtightened one bolt and broke the piece it is attached to. I am looking at used Peloton bikes, but if I got one I’d have to change my subscription to the higher level which costs twice as much. It’s still only $25ish (I think?), but that is not nothing when you’re paying monthly. Still, I use it enough that I think it will be worthwhile. Mostly I’m just worried I’ll pay for a used bike and it will break on me like the one I already have. I can’t imagine paying someone to fix a broken Peloton bike will be cheap…

Here’s top hoping the rest of October is a lot less extraordinary than the first two days. So far this is not the October I was hoping for.

Thank all that is good in this world that September is over tomorrow. For real, I am not at all sad to see it go.

October will certainly not be a panacea for me, but it has to be better than September. I just put October on the kitchen whiteboard calendar and promptly realized I scheduled my son’s birthday at Dave & Buster’s for the same Sunday I’m supposed to be taking my daughter to see Charli XCX (all the face palms), so there will be some intense days. But I am looking forward to quite a few things, including Halloween. (I remembered to take my Halloween themed leggings out of the shed today! Hooray!)

Also, I’m see the new chiropractor on Tuesday, October 1st, which feels like a good omen. Maybe I can make October more about self care.

Honestly, I’m so relieved that we’re home from the camping trip, and most of the stuff is already put away. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted. The trip itself was fine. It was totally overwhelming and I kept to myself more than most adults there, but I managed to get through it in one piece. And my son had a great time, which was the whole point of it.

My husband kept expressing confusion about why I was dreading this weekend so much. I’m pretty sure he didn’t get it because I am ALWAYS the one who packs and unpacks camping trips. He has no real understanding of how hard it is to manage that during a regular week or work, when laundry still needs to get done and meals need to be made and dishes need to be washed. His main responsibility at home is adult meals, which means that when time is tight, he can fall back on leftovers and ordering out. But there is no way to skimp on the laundry – it all eventually needs to get done. And while I can delay cleaning up, eventually I have to do it, and if it’s been a long time since the last time I cleaned, it takes longer when I finally get around to cleaning. I think he just doesn’t understand, fundamentally, what its like to just still have to do shit even when you’re away all weekend. Or what it’s like to have to do SO MUCH MORE than normal for a weekend.

But I did it! I packed us and I set us up there and I packed us to come back home and then I put everything away. All the sleeping bags, sleeping mats, and the tent are back in their plastic bags in the shed (I worry they will grow mold if they aren’t protected from the damp). The sheets from my husband’s couch bed last week, and the blow up camping mattress, are washed. I have two more loads ready to go in later today. I did a great job packing food so there was nothing left in the cooler when we came home, and only left over s’mores fixings in the food bag. I’m so glad I didn’t buy extra of anything. We had exactly what we needed.

And right now we have NO camping trips planned! Hooray! I’m so ready to take a break from camping.

I was remembering that this time last year we were coming back from this camping trip and getting ready for our trip to Universal Studios two weeks later. I’m so thankful we are not going anywhere for the October long weekend. I might take the kids to Great America for Fright Fest that Sunday, but otherwise we’ll be home.

My son’s birthday is the next weekend. He requested Dave & Busters and I was happy to fork over several hundred dollars and basically all of the responsibility. We had his birthday there two years ago and it was really easy. I am kind of thrilled he wants to have it there again. A birthday there is so easy, that I really do think I can manage the Charli XCX show afterward. And if I can’t, my husband will go.

What else to mention… Oh I got some wide leg jeans (on sale) from Gap with my Gap Cash last week. Both pairs are low cut and fit me well around the waist. The darker pair is too long – they only had my size in “Tall” but I have several pairs of shoes I can wear with them. The lighter pair are the right length but I worry they will stretch in the waist when I wear them. We shall see. It’s a trip to wear wide leg jeans after nothing but skinny jeans for so many years (like six years?!), but I like them. I also got some new bras, which I really needed it. I hope they hold up. (Everything was on sale before the Gap Cash, so I didn’t spend much on any of it).

I got my tests graded yesterday, at the camping trip. It took A LONG time to finish them all, and I’m glad I wasn’t using normal weekend hours to score them. I walked up to the visitor’s center and jumped on the WiFi to download some dumb stuff on Netflix to “watch” while I was grading. It definitely helped pass the time.

I meant to write more but now it’s late and I should probably just post this. I am showered, all the beds have clean sheets, and I’m so looking forward to crawling into my own bed and passing out. Yes. Please.