Not a Wasted Word

I feel quite sheepish posting this, especially since I have not commented anywhere in 48 hours. But I have been hording copies of comments in an email draft – I was having so much trouble commenting, now it’s better – and I thought it might be fun to just post some (with links to the posts where I commented, of course) because they are little snap shots of me that I can’t really get onto the blog otherwise. So here we go.

On the post NaBloPoMo: Monday, funny day: 3 laughs at No Small Feet:

I could not exist without my Tile. I use it constantly. I used to have to keep an extra on my bedside table in case I lost both my wallet AND my phone. Twice I’ve lost my wallet (and keys, I keep them attached to each other so I can never leave the house accidentally without my wallet) in weird and super frustrating ways (both before I had a Tile). Once, I was in college, and I looked for it for a full day before I threw myself on my futon bed in frustration and thought I heard my key jingle. I finally found my keys and wallet – they had fallen between the bed and the wall, and gotten pushed under the futon mattress. So when I looked on my bed I didn’t see them and when I looked UNDER my bed I didn’t see them – they were hidden in the netherworld between! Another time I was trying to see a friend (a blogging friend actually!) and I looked for hours for my wallet and keys before I found them. They had fallen into a little pocket in the towel, between the seat and the backrest,  that I had to hang over my nice office chair so the cat wouldn’t rip it to shreds.

I lose so many things. I have said that when I die I want to be sat in a room where they show me where all the things I lost and never found ended up. Just old school projector style, thrown up on a white wall so I can just have that closure.

On the post The students are skeptical at Light & Momentary:

I find this fascinating, and not at all surprising. I see it at my school too, with other teachers, who get so frustrated as we try to move away from detentions and other punitive consequences. But how will they learn, if we don’t punish them for doing it? Except it’s always the same kids in detention, so clearly they don’t learn? People just feel better when they think there has been a consequence, even if we know the consequence isn’t effective. It’s like they can’t stand the thought that they got away with it.

I wanted very much for the “natural consequences” parenting efforts to help guide my own parenting, but I found that my kids did not seem to learn much from their mistakes, despite my refusal to jump in and save them.

Me: Remember how cold you were when we didn’t bring a jacket last time? Kid: Blank stare.

Me: Remember how you forgot your lunch and you were so hungry last month? Kid: Blank stare.

How are they supposed to learn when they don’t remember even doing it? Drove me crazy. I find the same in my classroom. I try so hard to help them reflect on how things went last time so they can make changes this time, and they seem literally unable to make those connections. It can feel like I’m hitting my head against a wall.

My kids are too old, and I’m not on social media enough, to have come in contact with Dr. Becky directly, but I’ve read a lot about her and have a friend who follows her teachings very closely (and has struggled mightily to convince her mother that her Dr. Becky-inspired-parenting-practices are appropriate). I do think there is a confusion where gentle is understood as boundary-less and that isn’t accurate. There probably are a fair amount of “gentle parents” who are not providing the boundaries kids need, but there are plenty of “authoritarian parents” who do the same.

On the post 5 Random Quotes on Runner’s Fly:

I like “Follow your routine, not your mood.” I think my predisposition to do this is one of my better qualities. Having said that, I do try to honor how I’m feeling in some ways. Like if I have a strength class on the docket, but am more in the mood for the elliptical (with blog writing/reading/commenting) I will let myself switch that up and tack on CG’s dead bug workout or an Arms and Shoulders burner afterward. Sometimes I even push back a workout. But I ALWAYS workout five times a week, so I can only push back one day! You already know my favorite sayings, as I just posted about them!

On 12: Five random things I thought about recently at the in between is mine:

Um, that slide/climbing wall thing is so crazy cool. Can you imagine having a childhood like that? No house or apartment I ever lived in as a kid (and I lived in a few) had anything hidden passage ways, but my closet in one house had a weird little raised storage space in it, probably for putting boxes and stuff, and my mom let me make it into a little fort, which I loved. But it wasn’t a hidden slide into a pile of pillows.

Actually, I just remember, that house did have another weird thing, wow I haven’t thought of this in ages… At the bottom of the stairs there was a door, and for years it just opened into… nothing. Like it was the outside ground, the room had walls around it but had never been finished. My parents did eventually put a floor in there, and made it a room, but it connected to a storage space that didn’t have a wall, so there were shelves on one side, but the other side was the ground of the hill the house was built on. That space always freaked me out. I did not love it. It’s crazy… I haven’t thought of that space in literal decades. Thanks for prompting me to remember!

On the post Come See Me In the Good Light at Bibliomama:

I once did an exercise where you look down a long list of values to identify your five or six core values and “humor” was one of them and I remember thinking, can humor even be a value? But then I asked my husband to do it, and without even seeing the list he identified humor as his most important value. I asked him about it, and he said that he wanted to approach pretty much everything in life with humor, that is just how he wanted to interact with the world. And being with him for over 17 years, I now know what he means by that, and I’m so grateful that I ended up with someone who claims humor as his core value. Anyway, what you said about humor made me think about that.
Now I want to watch that special, but also I don’t want to because I don’t want to ugly cry. Which reminds me of the time I flew to see my friend when my second kid was just six months old and on the plane I had to pick between Maleficent and The Fault in Our Stars. And I had read the Fault in Our Stars and I knew I’d ugly cry if I watched the movie, and I didn’t want to do that on a plane with people stuck around me would be forced to watch me, so I picked Maleficent, but then someone in front of me, whose screen I could see between the seats PICKED The Fault in Our Stars and I ended up seeing enough of it, through the seats, that I ugly cried anyway, and I was like, oh great! Now everyone things I’m ugly crying at Maleficent! Still makes me laugh to this day…

Ack! 36 minutes to get this up or I miss a day!!! I was about to fall asleep!

It’s 10:22pm and I have not written my 16th NaBloPoMo post. Let’s get this done!

{A big thank you, because somehow I haven’t formally thanked her already, to San for hosting NaBloPoMo again this year. She is amazing and this month is the best because of her!}

Read my book at swimming. Instead of farting around on my phone, I read my new library book at the 12yo’s swimming lesson (he’s in pre-team swim, so it’s not really a lesson, but there isn’t another good word!) I’m starting La casa entre los pinos (Ana Reyes’s The House in the Pines, translated into Spanish). It’s a Reese’s Book Club pick so maybe you’ve heard of it? I had not, but its supposed to be suspenseful, and I need something to keep my attention right now. My last two Spanish books were narrated by women losing their minds (both DNFs), and I needed something with a concrete plot this time. I’m proud of myself that I read an actual book and didn’t just scroll on my phone. Small wins!

Made lunch for the hubs and I. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t usually do much in the kitchen, so when I make a real lunch for us, it’s worth mentioning here. Ha! It was just quesadillas with some al pastor I pilfered from the PTA lunch on Friday, but they were really good.

Went to Costco. I generally try to avoid Costco on the weekends, but I wanted to hit up the city Costco and I figured avoiding the weekday traffic there and back would be worth enduring the weekend chaos in the actual Costco. And while it was super packed, and it was hard to navigate the cart with the crowds, I still think it was worth going there on a weekend. They had some good stuff that I haven’t seen at my other two Costcos, so I’m glad I went. I really don’t want to go again before Thanksgiving, and that might be possible now!

{Does anyone else have two or more Costcos nearby and notice that each one has slightly different things? The majority of the contents is the same, but some stuff is different. Two of my Costcos have the coffee we like, and one doesn’t. While they all carry the giant boxes of Eggo Waffle and Dino Nuggets we get regularly, they don’t all have the big box of corn dogs I sometimes want. Only two of them have the Semi-Freddy two-pack baguettes. Only the city Costco has the two pack of jalapeño brie I’m currently obsessed with. I’m curious if it’s the same in other parts of the country. Please let me know if you have any info…}

Rocked a Sims 60 Bike Bootcamp. Man, the Sim 60s are brutal. It’s three almost 10-minute sets of hard work on the bike and three almost 10-minute rounds of strength on the floor. This one was especially challenging; there was no rest between the sets on the floor! I was out of breath and dripping sweat the whole 60 minutes. It felt really good to work that hard. I’m glad I did it.

Packed the Halloween stuff in the shed. I finally got the Halloween stuff into the shed! And even with the two new stuffed pumpkins I got at Grocery Outlet, everything fit into the 1.5 allotted boxes (one has some giant Easter eggs in it). I got the Halloween stuff put away right when it started sprinkling. Talk about small wins! Did I also take out the Christmas clothes box? I don’t know if we’re close enough for me to answer that honestly…

A couple other people did this recently (Sarah, San, Sam, I swear there were more but now I can’t find them…) and I thought I’d give a try, as I continue to try to focus on the positives.

My car massager. I’ve had a version of this massager in my car for literally longer than I can remember. I use it every time I drive, usually on my lower back. I love it and it makes driving an almost pleasurable experience. Earlier this week I tweaked a muscled between my shoulder blades (my lat?) and it has been driving me crazy. In the car I’ve been able to get the massager to dig into it for long periods and it helped my healing time substantially. I would be in a lot more pain right now if it weren’t for my car massager.

My new glasses. I LOVE my new glasses. They are the best. I love how they look, I love how they feel, and I love how I see at work. I am SO GLAD I made an appointment in October, instead of waiting until December, to get my new prescription and to order new glasses. Best thing I did this fall.

Yogurt and granola. I’m a lazy MF in the kitchen and I sometimes eat a weird times. There have been many a night where a little bowl of yogurt (plain or vanilla) and some granola has sated my hunger AND scratched my just-a-little-something-sweet-please itch. I’ll also give a shout out here to TJ’s Pumpkin Spice Cold Coffee Concentrate and Vanilla Almond or Soy milk, which has been a lovely treat on weekend mornings.

Listening. Having something to listen to really helps me when I’m feeling overwhelmed or unmotivated. A good podcast or audiobook makes everything better: driving, washing dishes, folding laundry, checking off student work. As I already mentioned, I’m LOVING Truly, Madly, Deeply from Cursed Media. (I forgot to say that you can listen to the first episode for free on the QAA podcast!) If Books Could Kill put out a third and final Eric Adams episode on Patreon and Maintenance Phase just did a great episode on Raw Milk in their main feed. I just finished Nicholas Binge’s Ascension as an audiobook and REALLY loved it. It’s a very unique sci-fi story that was super captivating, with a really strange premise that was very executed incredibly well. I highly recommend. Before that I listened to La Anomolía (Hervé Le Tellier’s The Anomoly in Spanish (it was originally written in French) which I also really liked (thanks Jenny and Jj for the recommendations!) I just started listening to Jessica Grose’s Screaming on the Inside: The Unsustainability of American Motherhood (I also got the physical book) which is a great compliment to the deep dive into trad wives. I’ve been two weeks away from Jen Hatmaker’s Awake for at least a week and am itching to start that. Jen Hatmaker makes a cameo in the Unicorn Girl podcast I loved so much a few weeks ago. (If anyone knows of a podcast like Unicorn Girl please let me know! I’d love a 6-8 part series on just about anything right now).

Getting SOMETHING done. I’ve struggled lately to stay focused, and motivated. One thing that’s helping me stay sane while I struggle is just getting something done, even if it’s not the thing I’m supposed to be doing. You don’t want to score those assessments? Then look through the photos on your phone for the calendar. You don’t want to vacuum the floors, then pull some garments from the closet that you don’t really wear anymore. Switching gears and accomplishing something has been really helping me manage my recent malaise.

PS I finally responded to all the comments from the last few days. Sorry that took so long!

We’re almost half way through NaBloPoMo and I feel like I’m sputtering ahead, posting every night because I promised myself I would, but not moving in any specific direction. I am sticking (EXCLUSIVELY!) to the Five-theme, because at least that adds something cohesive to my efforts, even if only superficially. I feel like I can barely keep my thoughts straight these days, let along get them down on “paper.” I’m sorry, this is not a great look.

Here are some random things I can mange to write about right now.

Photo documentation. In my attempts to not leave looming task to the last minute, I went through all my photos last night, first favoriting them, and then going through the favorites and moving the calendar appropriate photos into a specific folder (let’s be honest, the last step was mostly culling some of the cat photos so mostly humans showed up in the calendar – sadly its mostly for the grandparents or there would mostly cats). As I worked my way through the photos, I was struck by the photographic evidence of my health issues, not just in my varying body sizes throughout the year, but also in the horrific photos I took of my face and eyes to document my skin conditions and Grave’s Disease symptoms to share with my doctors. It was quite the emotional roller coaster, scrolling through photos from January until today. I’m really grateful that I’m feeling so much better now.

Shopping spree me. Speaking of different body sizes, I’ve been on a shopping spree lately. I feel like my style is changing rapidly and I am VERY interested in finding new looks that I love. Weirdly, I have taken to walking into stores (::cough:: Uniqlo ::cough::) and just buying items, many of them AT FULL PRICE. That is not something I do. I buy things on sale. Usually at deep discount. Selecting items from a narrower set of options, or waiting for something else to go on sale, has always been my way of setting boundaries around my spending, which can become excessive. On a recent visit, as I dropped my items into the weird bucket where they are automatically scanned (it’s so weird – have you tried it?!) I literally thought to myself, Who even am I?

Emotional insight. I’m clearly using retail therapy to work through some internal stuff. On Wednesday, after the long car ride with my sobbing daughter, I arrived home to find a clothing order had been taken from our entryway. I was so bummed out. I honestly almost cried myself! Later a neighbor came over and showed me video of the person taking it. (He had been lingering around our house for a while, and the neighbor was watching because it looked suspicious and he was worried). I had actually been trying to console myself with, if only I knew what happened! And seeing it did help (the person who took the order was clearly not well), but my sadness lingered, even though I didn’t need anything in the order urgently. I keep telling myself that I should be thankful that it happened, because it made me very aware of how much I was expecting the purchase to distract me from negative feelings. A stolen clothing order should not be that big of a deal.

{I usually use Black Friday to stock up on essentials, or to buy things we would have gotten anyway, and I need to be VERY careful going into this holiday shopping season to make sure that I’m being honest with myself about what we really need, and what I just want.}

Commenting Conundrums. I still cannot comment on WordPress blogs. I might have actually messed up my wordpress.com account attempting to fix the problem. I am increasingly frustrated by this persistent issue. I am someone who kind of loses her shit when technology gives her trouble, so I either need to fix this ASAP, or abandon my efforts entirely. In the meantime, if you have a wordpress.com blog, I apologize for not being able to comment! I really am trying (and having a tantrum about it too!)

Slog. Things are still feeling like a slog. Everything is, which makes the days very long. Today, when I saw the sink full of dishes, I felt… rage? I was just so annoyed that I had to deal with all that. And it wasn’t even that much! (I mean it looked like a lot, but I knew it wasn’t really as bad as it looked). I put on my earbuds and got it done, but man was I in a bad mood about it initially. I bring that particular example up because it’s a decent encapsulation of where I’m at mentally and emotionally. I’m just super annoyed that I have to the every day tasks that make up life! Not a super productive mindset. I will say that once I get started on something, it’s not that bad. And while working out has been hard to initiate, I have felt better after getting my heart rate up.

It’s 9pm and I just got off the elliptical. I need to do some core work, then shower and get the 12yo to bed (the 15yo and husband are at a concert tonight). I better post this, because I can’t let good be the enemy of done (this should be my new saying) when it comes to NaBloPoMo or I’ll never make it to the end.

Today was a looong slog. I was struggling to get through my four block classes. If we hadn’t just watched Coco (in the 7th and 8th grades) and Book of Life (in the 6th grade) I probably would have put on a movie. Similarly, I’m home now and struggling to look over the 8th graders Trimester 1 Reflections. I just don’t want to do anything. Blerg. I hope this lifts soon.

In an attempt to embrace the positive, despite my gloomy mood, here are some bright spots from today.

My favorite leg warmers. A storm came in, and with it some chillier temps. My leg warmers work great with my rain boots so I put on some fun leggings and enjoyed these awesome leg warmers for the first time this year.

New rain boots for the boys. I got these rain boots (shoes?) for the husband, whose previous pair of rain boots couldn’t really be worn to work, and also had holes in them. It took a long time to find a pair I thought he’d be willing to wear with slacks and a sports jacket, but I finally did! And he likes them! And he said they worked great today! I’m so pleased. I really have been looking for ages. I also got the 12yo a pair of “all weather” boots that I was worried he wouldn’t like (and would be too big), but he loved them and they fit and they kept his feet dry today. We don’t usually get big storms like this so early in the year, so it was nice to be ready when this one hit!

Perfect Boom Card Decks. I just started using Boom Cards this year and I have to admit, I am frustrated that I have no editing rights over the sets that I purchase. A lot of the time there are random cards in the deck that have words or phrases my students aren’t familiar with. We’re learning gender of nouns and articles in Spanish 1A and my students have clearly been struggling. I got a couple Boom Card decks so they can get real-time feedback, and two of the sets were clearly taken straight out of the textbook I use to teach grammar. They had all the words we reviewed in our notes, and I was so grateful for the very relevant review and practice it provided for my students.

Episode Four of Truly Tradly Deeply. I am LOVING Truly Tradly Deeply, the limited series podcast from Cursed Media ($25/yr for all their content) that provides a deep dive into the tradosphere. I have a weird obsession with “tradwives” and this podcast is scratching all my “wait, they think/say/do what?” itches. Also, the in depth commentary on the cultural significance of the growing popularity of tradwives and all they espouse is insightful and thought-provoking. The series great, and I love it, and I have to wait each week for a new episode to come out, and today I had a new episode to listen to! Hooray!

Going to bed early. I’m really tired and I’m heading to bed, before 10pm! I should get work done tonight, but I don’t NEED to, so I’m going to consider it a win that I can push things to the weekend and attempt to get a good night’s sleep. It was honestly kind of hard to identify five bright spots today. Tomorrow is Friday, so it will probably be better.

The 15yo did not get the internship. She was devastated. I left my staff meeting early to pick her up after school and she sobbed and sobbed in the car. It was hard.

I’m kind of having a hard time right now. Not quite sure what is going on, but I just don’t want to do much of anything. I’m really struggling to stay motivated, especially at work. It’s an exhausting place to be, mentally and emotionally.

So today is probably a good day to share five sayings I repeat (are these mantras?), that help me. I’m not really an affirmations person, but I do appreciate these little reminders.

Don’t believe everything you think. I have this on a little sign I got at the Zen Buddhist Center almost 20 years ago. Learning that much of what I believed to be true were really stories my brain invented to make sense of the world was powerful in my 20s and it’s a lesson I can never be reminded of enough.

If nothings changes, nothing changes. Tunde, one of my favorite Peloton instructors says this a lot. I’m not sure if she’s borrowing that message, but I appreciate it. When she says it, she’s reminding us that if we don’t push harder, or attempt heavier weights, we won’t get stronger. I think about the truth of that simple statement in all aspects of my life. If I don’t make changes, I can’t expect anything to change. So obvious, and yet I frequently need the reminder.

We can do hard things. I don’t remember much of Glennon Doyle’s Untamed, but I definitely chanted “we can do hard things” at my kids for a while after I read it. They were NOT fans of that phrase, but I still say it every once in a while, just to assure them that it’s true.

This too shall pass. I can get pretty stuck in the muck when I’m feeling down, and “this too shall pass,” really helps me stop projecting into the future. This too shall pass is does some heavy lifting for me.

So it’s not just a clever name. Okay, so this is not a mantra, but it is a line (from Wayne’s World!) that I quote constantly. You might not think it has a much utility in every day life, but I assure you I find ample opportunities to utter it. If you’re trying to remember the specific scene, I’ll give you a hint… the Shitty Beatles.

I made the most of my random Tuesday off, which feels even more random as I learn how many people do NOT have it off.

Sleeping in. I slept until 9:30am! 3.5 extra hours of sleep mid-week? Yes please! I had a pretty lazy couple hours after I woke up too.

Lunch with the husband. We walked to get lunch. We went to a spot that we’ve always loved for its banh mi, and that started making garlic noodles with popcorn chicken. Except it’s always sold out by the time we’re off work. So today we got to go early enough to try it! And boy, was it good.

Gratuitous TV watching. The husband and I watched an episode of Task, which we started ages ago and then never had time to continue. The second episode was so good! Now I really want to keep watching it.

Pancake day! Long time listeners know that the 12yo is such a selective eater that it’s hard to pack him a lunch. Most days he gets pancakes in his lunch, which means that every couple weeks I make A LOT of pancakes, and then freeze most of them. Today was one of those days. I queued up my audiobook (I’m listening to Nicholas Binge’s Ascension, which is dynamite!) and made a Costco-sized pancake mix bag of mochi pancakes.

Sparring concepts and sparring. I haven’t been to the Sparring Concepts class at the dojo in a long time, because it starts so late and I’m always so tired on Tuesdays. But today I had the energy and the time, so I went and it was a good time. Sparring was really fun, because there were only four red belts there, and we spent the whole 30 minutes on the ground. I’m so glad the dojo was open today! It just goes to show that I do not understand Veteran’s Day at all.

I am SO ANNOYED to have Tuesday off this week.It’s making me crazy. I feel like I’ve been robbed of a precious three day weekend and in it’s place I what?… Go to work for one day, then have one day off then go back to work for three days? What even is that? So I’m trying hard to make this day count as a real day off and not just another day to get work done when I’m not being paid to do so.

I made the best of today by having a test in my 1B classes (only two kids were absent) and having the four kids that were absent for the Day of the Dead Assessment make that up during lunch. I really needed it to feel like being at work was actually worth something today.

I met the husband for happy hour drinks and dinner at a sushi spot near his work downtown. We got two drinks each, and stuffed ourselves with sushi and Japanese food for $150 (AFTER tip!) that is a fucking steal in San Francisco. It was so fun to meet up with him for an impromptu dinner downtown. We haven’t met for a meal near his work since the summer.

The 15yo had swim so we timed it to meet her when she was heading home. Usually just the husband waits for her after swim, so she was surprised to see me there. We spent some time walking the long way back to BART so we could appreciate some of the newly hung winter lights. It was fun hanging out, just the three of us, on the way home. Having a little buzz from the dinner drinks didn’t hurt.

All this was possible because the 12yo got picked up from school by his grandparents and went to their house for a sleep over. The husband came home to quickly change, then went to a concert, which means that tonight the 15yo and I can watch Batman Begins and eat furikake popcorn. The 15yo is a relatively new Batman fan, and I have been obsessed for decades, so it will be really fun to share the first movie in the iconic Nolan trilogy with her.

Tomorrow I plan to sleep in. Then I hope to luxuriate in a day with few hard deadlines. I do have to score some test, and do some chores, but I want to take things slow and really relax into the day off. I WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS DAY GOSHDARNIT! Even if they make it basically impossible by putting it on a Tuesday.

Do you get tomorrow off? How are you spending your mid-week day off?

I intended to write a post today, but it did not happen. So here are five more pictures from yesterday’s hike.