Life/Work/Teaching

Feeling Human Again

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

Yesterday way ROUGH. I really struggled to get through it. But I was in bed by 9pm and got around nine hours of sleep and felt SO MUCH BETTER today. Today I felt human again.

Human, and in possession of the brain space required to get some shit done. It seems that in the absence of constant martial-arts-related-thoughts, all sorts of work shit has rushed in. I have to get a lot done in the next week. And then I have to figure out what I’m doing when I get back from the break. I really pushed a lot of my work stuff to the margins last week and I have some catch up to do. But it’s okay because now I have the time, and mental space, to do it.

I can’t believe there is only one more week of school before the break. And a little over two weeks before Christmas. That is crazy. I was so wrapped up in test prep that the beginning of December flew by. I really want to savor the next two weeks.

And sadly that means putting the kibosh on this post. Hopefully I can write more tomorrow.

Health & Well Being/Identity

I think my tolerance for stress and exhaustion is down

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

I have been trying to figure out why I was so stressed about yesterday’s belt test. I’ve certainly been stressed about belt tests before, and this was the first one I’ve done on a weekday night, which added to the stress of just getting through it. I anticipated being totally out of my mind exhausted by the time was over, and wasn’t a feeling to look forward to. But I’ve put myself through way worse, so why was the test getting to me so much?

And today I’m tired in ways I haven’t been in a long while. The test ran late. REALLY late. We didn’t bow out until 10pm, which meant I wasn’t at the bus stop until 10:15pm. Then I had to get home, move the elf, shower, and prep a few things before bed. By 11:30pm I was laying down but I could not fall asleep. I played Solitaire on my phone for a while, tried to sleep, returned to Solitaire, returned to attempted sleep… I did this for a long time. I fell asleep at one point (I think around 1am) but when I woke up at 3:30am I couldn’t fall back asleep again. It was a rough night. And today I feel a little delirious I’m so tired. You know how they say, I’m so tired I can’t see straight? That’s a real thing. I’m very much struggling to just focus my eyes on what’s in front of me today.

But again, I used to put myself through way worse. When my son was an infant I woke up multiple times every night to feed him, then got up for work at 5am so I could start teaching at 7am. It was an insane schedule, and I managed it for a year. This was one night and I feel physically ill.

I guess my tolerance for stress and exhaustion is just way down. I know part of it is the past two years, which have done a number on my mental and emotional fortitude. But I’m also getting older. And as I’ve done a better job of limiting my commitments, I find I’m less tolerant of the stress and exhaustion that comes from being over scheduled. And while there is a part of me that appreciates how much progress I’ve made on culling my commitments, another part of me is less thrilled at these new limitations. My ability to just get it all done, no matter what, was a point of pride. I’ll have to find new things to be proud of if I can’t just get it done anymore.

But I did get the test done. It was really hard, both mentally and physically and I’m proud of how I performed. There aren’t a lot of higher belts that are 40+ and none of them have kids at home. I was being thrown to the ground at 9:30pm last night, and now I’m at work teaching middle school students (well I will be as soon as my prep period is over). I can still manage a fair amount, I guess I just can’t push past my limits and remain standing like I used to.

I’m not attending the professional development I’m supposed to go to this afternoon. I’m putting in for the hours and taking the time off. I normally wouldn’t have done something like that, but at this point I know it’s the right move. I won’t get anything out of attending (I’ll be way to tired at that point), but if i can rest before the afternoon I might be able to parent my children, which my husband really needs to me to do tonight.

So yeah, just some thoughts on new tolerance levels. Apologies if this post makes no sense. As I mentioned, I’m really tired…

Life

I did it!

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

I did it! It’s done! It’s 10:15pm and I’m on the bus home. We didn’t break boards, but the test is over. It’s finally that moment I’ve been waiting for.

It’s finally done.

Photography

A picture is worth a thousand words

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

A picture is worth a thousand words which is good because I got no words left to give today. Instead, here are some pictures from our walk in the Botanical Gardens two weeks ago.

Ah man, I didn’t actually post this last night! Oh well, I’ll put it up now. And hopefully I’ll post again today. It’s fitting that this test is the thing that derailed my daily posting. Blerg.

Life

48 Hours

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

This weekend was a nice 48 hours. The kids got their second shots on Saturday afternoon , and felt fine through Sunday. We watched some new episodes of Craig of the Creek (the third season just arrived on HBO Max) and went to bed early.

This morning I got some work done while the kids played video games. Then we played an great game of The Floor is Lava that we invented. It was super fun.

After our game, I made two weeks worth of pumpkin pancakes while the kids prepped their lunches.

This afternoon my daughter went to a birthday party downtown and my son went to his grandparents’ house. While they were gone, my husband and I talked finances, and upped our kids’ 529 contributions. We also finalized the Christmas present lists and worked out. I also spent over an hour in the backyard reviewing forms for my belt test. At this point I think I’m pretty much prepped out. I need to write my own personal one steps but after that I’m going to have to call it. My brain just can’t handle any more.

And in 48 hours it will be over. The test starts at 5:30pm on Tuesday and is supposed to be done by 8pm but will probably go much later. I’m just hoping we’ll be done by 9pm. It’s going to be a LOOONG night.

But then it will be over! I’m trying to focus on how good I’m going to feel when it’s over. So, so good.

Health & Well Being/Life

Reframing my mindset

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

I’m about to spend 3+ hours at the dojo in anticipation of my test on Tuesday. I’m feeling all sorts of conflicting emotions about this martial arts test, and the incredible amount of time I’ve needed to put in to prepare for it.

I say I’m feeling conflicting emotions, but honestly I’m not really sure what they even are. When I think about the test I feel (I think?) anxiety, frustration, dread, the anticipation of relief (when it’s over). I’m worried I don’t know the curriculum well enough. Actually I’m sure I don’t know it well enough for my own liking, but I had to ask permission to test and I told that I should, so… I should feel fine about it right? The master of my dojo, who has seen me at the prep classes, says I should test, so why do I feel unprepared? What am I worried about happening? Do I not want to embarrass myself? I don’t think it’s that. We have a tight knit community at the dojo and the two women I’m testing with are very nice. We’ve been working together for months to get ready. They would never judge me for a mistake. Which means the pressure I’m putting on myself to know the material is internal.

I do know that the test is going to be hard, mentally more so than physically. I’m honestly worried I’m going to cry at this test, out of mental exhaustion. I haven’t tested in two years and this is my first higher belt test, which includes all kinds of curriculum that are not included on previous tests. So I don’t really know what to expect. It’s also on a week day evening, and I have specifically avoided weekday evening tests because the idea of putting myself through the grueling process AFTER a work day seems pretty awful. But the women I’ve been training with have to test on a weekday (they work in the service industry and aren’t available on Saturdays), so I decided the prospect of testing alone on a Saturday (we are the last green belts) was even less desirable than testing with them on a Tuesday.

So I guess what is really freaking me out about all of this are the unknowns. I haven’t tested in a LONG time. A lot has happened to me (and the world) since I last tested. I have NEVER tested at this level before. I have never tested on a weekday evening before. I don’t know what to expect and I don’t know how I’m going to respond to all these unknowns. I do know that there will be moments of acute unpleasantness. I do know its going to be really hard.

And now I get to spend three hours of my Saturday totally immersed in all of it. I’m trying to reframe my mindset about all of it, about today and Tuesday. If I go into it feeling dread, the hours will be awful. But if I got into it with curiosity things might turn out differently. I keep countering thoughts of “I don’t want to do this!” with thoughts like, I wonder what this will be like? or I wonder what I’ll learn today?

These are the questions I’m asking myself, while I try to answer the questions, Why am I doing this to myself? Which means I also have to answer the question, Why am I studying martial arts at all?

I’ll let you know when I’ve come up with some answers…

What are you doing these days that feels hard? How do you reframe your mindset?

Health & Well Being/Parenting & Family

Attempting to tame my anxiety (and accept my disappointment)

Posted on by noemikjames / 10 Comments

I’m really struggling with my anxiety around omicron right now. I’m very fortunate not to be worried about the health of my friends or family (at least not yet), but I am VERY worried that the new variant will negate the normalcy that vaccinating our children was supposed to bring. I’ve been SO looking forward to joining the ranks of our friends and family who are already returning to aspects of their normal life (because of different levels of risk aversion this fall). The light at the end of the tunnel was burning so bright, but with the announcement of omicron it has dimmed significant. The potential disappointment of these long awaited expectations not being met is hard to ignore right now. I’m really struggling with it.

Other aspects of the news cycle are not helping this feeling of despair. So many things are horrible right now. It’s hard to recognize the country I live in sometimes. It’s hard to have hope.

I know so many other people have it much harder right now. I can’t even imagine the fatigue that the immunocompromised, or the parents of children under five, are feeling right now.

Last night my son woke up crying that his hands were stinging. He was inconsolable, unable to articulate what exactly he was feeling for several minutes. After agreeing to use the bathroom, he seemed better. Ultimately he guessed his hands had fallen asleep, and I’m sure if he were just waking up with that feeling of pins and needles it would upset him. He was calm when I left his room, but I was anything but. Lying in bed afterward, I started spiraling about what might be wrong. Did he have some a rare disease that caused nerve damage? Was it something else I’d never even known to be afraid of?

I may have been terrified during both my pregnancies, but I have never been a parent that worried incessantly about my kids’ health. I don’t want to become that parent.

I’ve written before about how the pandemic has really messed with my risk assessment muscle. This is especially true when it comes to my kids. We have followed every public health advisory, to protect our children and our community. With vaccinations available to our kids, and their peers, we finally felt we could allow them to see select friends indoors and without masks. If Omicron can evade the defenses those vaccines provide, can we allow our kids to do things that might further the variant’s spread? If our kids can easily give covid to another vaccinated kid who can easily bring it home to their more vulnerable family members, is it irresponsible of us to allow them to socialize in that way? Is it irresponsible of us to do that if everyone around us is doing that?

Honestly, I think the thing I’m most disappointed about is the need to figure out something new. We had a plan. We made decisions. Hard decisions! And now it feels like those decisions, and that plan, have been burned to the ground, leaving nothing but scorched earth on which to build something new. I’m tired of deciding. I’m tired of making plans only for them to be burnt down. I don’t know how to think about any of this anymore. And I don’t know how to keep going when it’s unclear we’ll ever be able to stop. I’m tired of letting my expectations die and living with the disappointment, and despair, that remains.

How are you feeling about Omicron? Do you foresee your plans changing because of the variant?

Writing

30 for 30!

Posted on by noemikjames / 5 Comments

Well I did it! I posted every day in November – or at the very least I posted an average of every day, with a couple of posts technically going up the day before or after.

I have to say, it wasn’t that hard. I am definitely better at all or nothing scenarios. Moderation has never come easy to me, whether it’s doing less of something “negative” (sweets, alcohol, etc) or more of something “positive” (meditation, exercise, blogging). I don’t think posting every day in perpetuity is realistic, but maybe posting every week day is? Or putting myself on a schedule… I’m not sure.

One possible downside didn’t seem to present itself; I worried that if I had to press publish every day I’d be less likely to work on longer, harder (for me to write) posts, but that didn’t seem to be the case. I still started some longer posts and left them in drafts, until I was ready to post them. I don’t think I wrote fewer longer, more thoughtful posts either. Having said that, I definitely wrote MORE of the “here’s what we did today!” posts, which I’m not a big fan off. I just don’t really like writing or reading them. But they are easy to write and when my brain feels like oatmeal I write them. So maybe writing every day does have one small downside.

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do moving forward. I do think I’ll keep writing every day in December. At least until the break… After that, I’ll have to figure it out.

What do you like about daily posts? Any thoughts on what I should do moving forward?

Home/Parenting & Family

Microdosing Christmas

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

Our Elf came! With her reindeer. The kids were so excited to see Heart and Toots sitting in our tree this morning.

Our Elf is a welcome visitor. She is not spying on us, sending intel back to Santa about our kids being naughty or nice. She is basically an advent calendar, giving the kids a little something in their stockings every day. Usually the little something is from an actual advent calendar, with the 24 little cardboard doors. But our kids (our soon really) can’t handle seeing all the little doors there like that, so Heart makes it easier by giving them a little something each day, without the visual access to what is waiting in the wings.

For our kids (again, at this point our son), who get very worked up about Christmas, it helps take the edge off of waiting for the big day to finally arrive. It’s also fun to look for Heart and Toots every morning. It’s just something to look forward to during the final month of the year.

I was struggling to explain our Elf to a friend the other day (who thought they were all supposed to be surveillance agents), and I wish I’d had this tweet:

Oh my god yes! This is exactly what our Elf does – she gives us a little hit of surprise and delight every day, to take an edge off the expectation. I’m sure some would argue it’s not a productive exercise, but it’s one month out of the year and I’m going to revel in it.

Do you have an Elf on the Shelf? Do you enjoy an advent calendar to microdose Christmas?

Life

It came! (And it’s STUNNING!)

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

It came! And it’s STUNNING!

SQUEEE!!!!

Christmas DEFINITELY came early. I cannot WAIT to read this book. I ADORE Brené Brown and as a linguistics geek (I majored in Linguistics at Berkeley), the idea of “mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience” is, well, incredible.

Also this books has shiny paper (I LOVE shiny paper) and lots of color photographs! It’s not like any of her other books. It’s truly beautiful. I will definitely be gifting it to people.

I really and truly cannot wait to read this. I hope I can find the time! I’ll probably be pushing things that need to get done to the margins to do it, but that will have to be okay.

Tonight I’m really tired. So, so tired. I find Tuesdays to be hard days, not because of anything specific at school, I just think physically I can ride out Monday pretty well, but Tuesday is when the weekend hangover (later nights and later wake ups) hits me.

And I have a lot to do. I just found out we don’t even have school on Friday the 17th. And Thursday the 16th is an early release day. This is great! But it truly messes with my meticulous planning and now I’m not sure how I’m going to make it all fit before the longest break of the year. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow.

But in the meantime I’ll be reading Atlas of the Heart. Squee!!!!