Not a Wasted Word

I’m having a follow up day at school – a day to get some stuff done so it doesn’t languish in their binders and hanging files. We’re finishing up our unit on Day of the Dead, and I have to say, while I LOVE the celebration and all we do to learn about it and celebrate it ourselves, I’m ready to move on.

I’d also like to do a little follow up on yesterday’s post!

First of all thank you to everyone who commented. It was really insightful to learn how other people who are in charge of meal planning and cooking feel about their spouse helping out (or not really helping out). The mental load of “meal planning” is definitely weighing on my husband (he doesn’t plan out the whole week but is always thinking of what he will make and when). I recognize that is a LOT of work, but I hesitate to insert myself into that piece of it because historically we have not been great at sharing mental loads. Any task that requires us to sit down together and plan is usually pushed back and back. I can’t imagine having to do that every week. Having said, I told my husband I’d make tortellini soup next week, to use up the spinach we got in the CSA box. I’m hoping that helps.

Speaking of the CSA box, A few of you mentioned it contributing a significant portion of the weight my husband is shouldering, and I absolutely agree! I think the CSA box is definitely making things harder, but I also don’t think it’s my place to suggest we stop getting it. My husband did mention he might want to order a smaller box (I think we get the medium sized box, but maybe we get the large?) and I enthusiastically agreed that was a good idea. But then he had everything he needed for some cobb salad one day and he was so stoked on that he tabled the decision. (Blerg!) I’m waiting for him to make the decision on his own, but I will definitely NOT be agreeing to shoulder the “use up the CSA box” burden. I for one would prefer not to find kale in pretty much every dish for the next three months.

(I do think that he will be more inclined to let the box go now that he’s going into the office two times a week. That requirement just started and he’s already noticing how much more tired he is after spending the day at the office. My guess is by December he will decide it’s not worth it anymore.)

Not much else to follow up on, and if I think of something later I can always include it in tomorrow’s post! I’m 5/5 on NaPoBloMo! Let’s do this!

A couple weeks ago, my husband admitted that he was really struggling, and asked for support. He said he really unhappy, and that while there were many things contributing to his distress, one thing that was definitely contributing was that he was burnt out on cooking. I immediately tried to be supportive, and suggested that we talk about ways we could take some cooking off his plate. I also blurted out that I would start cooking a couple of times a week.

Immediately after saying this, I regretted it. Even as I was saying it, I knew it was the wrong move, but it was like I couldn’t stop myself. My husband was saying he was tired of cooking, and it’s a woman’s job to cook anyway, so I should just step up and do it. Something inside me compelled me to participate in that narrative by saying I would start preparing more meals.

By Monday my husband seemed a lot better, and while I did mention that I would attempt to make dinner one time that week, it never ended up happening. This was the week where I nearly careened off a cliff myself before my son’s birthday weekend, so my husband didn’t really bring it up.

But I raised the topic again this week, saying that I wanted to circle back and revisit ways we could take some cooking off his plate. When we talk again, I’m going to be much more mindful about what I offer to take on.

I have to say though, I don’t really trust my ability to be objective when it comes to this stuff. I feel like, when my husband communicates that he’s overwhelmed, my first instinct it always to take on more stuff. There is a part of me that absolutely still believes I should be able to manage everything, or that I should be able to do when my husband is in crisis. I also know that if I take on too much I start to feel resentment, anger, and envy (did you know resentment is actually a form of envy?! I did not (I thought it was a form of anger) but it makes so much sense!)

I also notice that when my husband does something that was traditionally one of my roles, I experience a lot of conflicting emotions that prevent me from just appreciating that he took something off my plate. For example, last week he made appointments for the kids to get their flu shots with him at a nearby Walgreens (I got mine at a doctor’s appointment in October). He made the appointments, did all the paper work, and got them there on time. All I did was drop them off after he realized the bus was all messed up and they would have been late if they waited for it.

It was probably the first time I was not with my kids when they got a shot, and the first time he managed their medical care so completely. He took over a portion of the “emotional labor” that I wish I didn’t have to bear alone, and yet I felt guilty that he was doing something I usually did, and was immediately considering ways I could take something off his plate. I have been drinking the patriarchy’s Kool-aid for so long, I don’t even know how to be objective anymore.

The cooking stuff is even more complicated for a number of reasons. My hatred of cooking, and my acceptance of reheated prepacked meals, form just the tip of an iceberg that balloons under the surface into my history of eating disorders, and my shame around my “selective” eating. It would be one thing if I could just say I want nothing to do with preparing the veggies we get every week in our CSA box, but adults SHOULD eat fresh fruits and veggies, so my desires don’t even feel valid objectively. There is no area of shared labor where I feel less capable of being objective and standing my ground than cooking.

UPDATE (I started writing this post over the weekend, and am coming back to it mid-week): When I asked if we could talk about alleviating some of his stress in the kitchen, I brought up some of my confusion around his request. Would he like to just not cook some days, and we “scrounge” (as we call it when we each just find something to eat) those days? Or would he like me to make something, anything (no strings attached) a couple days a week? Or is he hoping I will incorporate the weekly CSA box produce when I cook, because otherwise he’ll still have the stress of using all of it before it goes bad? He honestly hadn’t thought about any of those specifics and appreciated me articulating them. I think by asking them, he realized how fraught the issue was for me, and we landed on me doing more dishes (yes! he also does most of the dishes!). But I also asked that we revisit the issue after a couple weeks in case it feels like too much for me. I will also make sure I’m the one making the kids dinners moving forward.

I’m honestly not sure if I’m taking on too much again, or if this is more fair (or if I’m helping my husband in a way he really needs right now). Again, I just don’t trust myself to be objective on this stuff. But at least we are talking about it, and I’m catching myself when I’m spilling the Kool-aid all over my own marriage, and managing to clean up some of the mess.