Parenting & Family

NaPoBloMo? (And Covid vaccines for kids)

Posted on by noemikjames / 6 Comments

I have been flirting with the idea of participating in NaPoBloMo. I was going to wait a week to actually say that out loud (you know what I mean), but already I’m struggling to think of what to write. None of this bodes well for my NaPoBloMo attempt, but who cares, you know? This is as low stakes as it gets, and I’m here for it.

My husband just texted me about kid vaccines. Evidently Walgreens had appointments open last night but now they are all filled. But I had heard there was a glitch in the appointment page (it asked for an authorization code that no one had), and when I just tried I hit that glitch (but the supposed “fix” didn’t work for me). I am SO HAPPY that vaccines have been approved for kids 5-11 years old and I am VERY EAGER to get my kids vaccinated. I also hope to avoid the desperation I felt when I was trying to get vaccinated in February.

There was such an atmosphere of scarcity around it when I was trying to get a shot, but in the end it worked out. The news cycle definitely contribute to the feeling of scarcity. And they are doing it again. Almost every article I’ve read about Covid vaccines being approved for kids 5-11 have included the caveat “but they may be hard to get.” It all just feels so unnecessary. My kids will eventually get vaccinated and I will be so happy when that happens. But I refuse to whip myself into a frenzy in the weeks before we get appointments. We aren’t traveling anywhere for the holidays. We don’t have to make hard choices about whether or not to see unvaccinated family, as we have none in the area. Mask mandates aren’t going to be lifted in schools before the new year. Their vaccination won’t change anything for us in the next two months. I am lucky that I don’t have to feel stress about when they get their shots, and I’m going to embrace that.

Instead I’ll celebrate that I’m 3/3 on my NaPoBloMo 2021 attempt. Ha! What a low, low bar. 😀

Are you chasing Covid vaccines for your kids? Or a booster* for yourself?

*I have not pursued my own booster yet, though it has been offered to me as a teacher.

ADHD/Work/Teaching

Getting stuff done – the deep cut edition

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

This weekend I checked some big items off my to-do list. I successfully fixed two things on the house that we were going to have our handyman tackle: I secured the hot water pipe to the side of the house where it had pulled away from the old straps, and I rigged a good-enough fix on a board that was pulling away from the front corner of the house, complete with exposed menacing nails sticking out. It feels really good to have those issues fixed (the pipe especially, it was banging around A LOT when we used the hot water, which was loud and annoying, but also was probably going to lead to long term pipe damage). They have been on my to-do list for a long time, and checking them off feels amazing. AMAZING!

We also had some fun this weekend. On Saturday, I took my son to his soccer game, because I wanted to see one and this weekend made sense for me to do it. We also met up with my daughter’s friends at a Halloween carnival where they played some games and won some junky stuff. They had fun and we got out of the house for a few hours, which were my goals for that event. Saturday night we watched The Corpse Bride which was short and seasonal and a perfect way to end the day.

Sunday I got the big house projects done, and finished the weekend laundry (I try not to run big appliances from 4-9pm so I end up doing almost all our laundry on the weekends). I also worked out, before heading out to for a Halloween party which segued into Trick-or-Treat! I actually really like Halloween, especially the costumes, so I am loving the celebrations this year. I didn’t even mind Friday at school – which is always a crazy day when the kids wear their costumes and have a hard time focusing.

Today and tomorrow, which are the Days of the Dead, my classes will be watching Coco – a perfect way to get through the post-Halloween hangover.

I am very ready for November, and Thanksgiving, which is always a welcome respite from school without the insanity of other holidays that the kids get really amped up about. I cannot wait to enjoy relatively normal holidays this year. I remember that last year I was navigating my parents’ expectations and our seemingly incompatible levels of risk-aversions surrounding the pandemic. I am SO RELIEVED that we don’t have to explain why we don’t think it’s okay to eat inside with them, even though they think it would be perfectly fine. This year it is fine! And I’m so thankful for that.

Let’s go November!

Health & Well Being/Identity/Perimenopause

Destabilizing

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

In early September I had to go to the OBGYN to get an endometrial biopsy done because I’d been having my period every two weeks for several months. I cramped and spotted for several days after the biopsy, and then I didn’t have a period until… tonight.

I know this is how it goes. Sometimes my cycles will be super short, other times they will stretch interminably. That is what perimenopause is all about – erratic and irregular menstruation. As someone who didn’t cycle regularly for most of her 20s, I thought I’d be pretty well prepared for that part. But it turns out, I’ve cycled pretty regularly since my second pregnancy, and I’d gotten used to that regularity. Or better said, I’d gotten used to the specific emotional roller coaster that my bullshit 21 day cycles required I ride. I knew when I started to go off the rails that my period was about to hit, and that once it was over I’d feel better. But when my cycles shortened to 14 days, my roller coaster got a remake. Now I’m not sure what the fuck I’m riding anymore.

I felt myself going off the rails this weekend. It was a particularly stressful weekend, what with my son’s serial birthday celebrations, but by Sunday afternoon I could tell that something more was messing with me. And then Sunday night I saw that tell tale tinge on the toilet paper and let out a sigh of relief. Except the next day there was nothing, and I felt even worse that I did during the weekend. Then today I felt worse. Finally tonight I saw actual spotting and I’m hoping that tomorrow my period will just come already and I’ll feel better. But maybe it won’t. The truth is, I have no idea what to expect anymore, physically or emotionally, and it’s incredibly destabilizing.

I identified that word last night – destabilizing. Naming the feeling helped; it really does feel like the ground is shifting under my feet, and I’m never quite sure how to regain my footing. I feel a deep need to ground myself… I’m working to identify strategies that might help. It’s hard, and sometimes I feel fairly awful and others I feel okay. I know this too shall pass and that maybe even next week things will feel significantly more settled. But right now I find this all very destabilizing. So I thought I’d come here and write about it.

And now I have.

Good night.

Financial Security/Health & Well Being/Marriage/Parenting & Family

When improvement has little to do with you

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

I recently re-read Brené Browm’s The Gifts of Imperfection. I came across her Sisters Strong Summer podcast episodes and decided to buy the 10th anniversary copy of the book (I read it from the library the first time). I re-read it in less than a week.

I can’t remember which was my first Brené Brown title. I think I have a set of much shorter works on Audible but The Gifts of Imperfection must have been one of the earlier books of her that I read because it was one of her earlier books. As anyone who has read me for a while knows, I’m a big fan of Brené Brown. I may sometimes say that she’s my spirit animal. I’ve read all of her books at least twice (I usually listen to them because I love her narration of her own work – I feel like she’s a friend whose confiding in me rather than an author writing to a massive audience). As I was reading The Gifts of Imperfection again, I was realizing that I was in a much better place than I was the first time I read (or probably listened to) it. And I was thinking of all that was better now, I was recognizing that so much of what was better had little to do with me, and more to do with other people/circumstances/situations in my orbit.

Seven years ago, things were really hard. My marriage was in a rough place. My kids were incredibly challenging. I wasn’t satisfied with my job. I was so lonely that I was participating in paid-for friend-making opportunities! And my finances were a disaster.

My marriage is a lot better now because my husband finally contributes to household and parenting responsibilities equally. I like parenting so much more (better said, I no longer very much dislike parenting most of the time) because my kids are developmentally easier and have outgrown their most challenging behavioral issues. I’m no longer crippling lonely because I happened to find women that I genuinely liked in the mothers of my daughter’s friends and they ended up not only having the time, energy and interest in committing to a friendship, but also like me enough to build that friendship with me. My finances are still a mess, but they are no longer in crises because both my husband and I make more at our jobs (only because we stayed where we were and gradually moved up our respective salary schedules). The only aspect of my life that was resolved by my own mental gymnastics was at work, where I finally decided that any possible professional improvements a new position might afford would probably be balanced out by unforeseen challenges.

To be clear, I was “doing my work” during the last seven years. In the early days I was going to therapy. Later, when my therapist became unavailable, I was reading books to better understand myself and others, to analyze reactions and recognize patterns. I don’t believe all the “self-help” I engaged in was for naught. But I struggle to identify how much of the “better” is due to the work I did, and how much is the result of external circumstances improving. Maybe I’ll never know, and that is will be part of “doing my work” moving forward.

And there is still so much work to do. And I’m here to do it. I know I’ve laid a foundation that is helping me with current perimenopause symptoms and I very much appreciate that. I know I’m managing some rough patches in my marriage better than I have in the past. I guess knowing it helps is enough, and I can be grateful for circumstances improving, even if they were largely outside of my control. Because, of course, much (if not all) of life is.

Life

FriYAY!!!!

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

We made it to Friday!

I never got jury duty!

The soccer pizza party was pushed back and then soccer practice itself was cancelled anyway!

I’m watching Dune tonight!

Vaccines will be available for my kids (barring some totally unforeseen complications) next month! Maybe in a couple of weeks!

We’re getting rain, which we (so, so, so, SOOOOOO) desperately need!

It will probably rain tomorrow which will effectively cancel my son’s birthday party but I really don’t care! (This is true, I’m not just being facetious).

I’m working out right now, which I didn’t think I’d have time to do today! (See soccer practice being cancelled).

My son was very happy with his birthday morning balloons and special birthday morning present!

It’s FRIDAY! YAY!

Uncategorized

Some clarity

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

I’ve have an idea of why I’ve been so unsettled this week. Hormones are definitely a mixer in this cocktail of murky emotions, but it’s not the strongest spirit. It’s actually uncertainty that is driving this increasingly less vague and more intense unsettled feeling.

First there was my jury summons. Every day I had to leave my classroom ready-ish for a sub because I couldn’t call to confirm my reporting status until 4:30, which is too late to stay at school. Every day I was wondering if I’d be back the next morning, or writing plans for someone else to take my classes.

Then there is the rain, which we desperately need, but which we aren’t at all ready for. (Californians are never ready for rain, and we aren’t very good at planning around the possibility of it.) Will my son’s after-soccer pizza party be cancelled? Will his mini-golf party on Saturday get moved to my garage (and if so, what will we do with our “rain checks” for mini-golf and the cabana)? I don’t even really care about anything being cancelled – though I’ll be annoyed to have to find a time to use my “rain check” credits later – and I assume my son will be fine as long as he gets to celebrate in some way, but the not knowing is stressful.

The reality is I was planning for possible contingencies, but the in-my-face uncertainty was still stressing me out. I felt unsettled emotionally because, well, my life felt unsettled logistically.

I learned today at 4:31pm that I have been officially excused from jury service. I get to finish up the week tomorrow in my classroom. And the mom who was co-hosting the after-soccer birthday party decided that there were too many moving parts with a school event and the possibility of rain so we’re pushing that to next Friday (on her son’s birthday, which is when I wanted it to be originally). So now it’s just the Saturday party I have to worry about, but honestly as long as the need to cancel is relatively obvious, I won’t be upset if it gets rained out (and into our garage). Suddenly all the uncertainty I’ve been managing has dissipated. I think, after a couple of days of detox, I’ll feel much better. I’ve learned to live with a higher level of uncertainty that ever before, what with a simple sniffle sending everything into a tailspin, but I guess I still have hard limits on what I can handle.

In the meantime my son turns 8 tomorrow. He’s really excited for his birthday, and I’m really excited for his birthday celebrations to be behind us. Both of us will be happy campers on Sunday night.

Uncategorized

Murky Moods

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

My mood has been murky lately. I’ve stopped reading the news because the headlines are not helping. I’m trying to spend the time I used lurk on the NYT or WaPo apps reading real books and I’m kind of succeeding. And it’s kind of helping.

I can’t really figure out how I feel. It’s frustrating, but I’ve learned to fight it less and just ride with it. Eventually things will sort themselves out and, inexplicably, I will feel better again. Things will be clearer, and will make more sense; I can’t fathom how in this moment, but I can trust past experience enough to know that it’s true. It’s nice to recognize that I’ve actually learned from all the hard shit in my life. Or at least some of it. I am better equipped to deal with my specific brand of hard, and I really appreciate that. At least it wasn’t all for nothing.

I have been worried that my history of mental health struggles would put me at greater risk for increased mental health struggles during perimenopause. Maybe my moods will fluctuate more enthusiastically, but I will also be better prepared to manage the enthusiasm. Maybe it ends up in a wash.

Today I was in a real funk, and I hadn’t really planned out when I was going to work (this is proof positive of what a funk I was in – I ALWAYS plan when I’m going to fit in my work out), so I ended up having to start at 9pm. It sucked and was really hard, but in the end I felt so much better for it. I put on one of the PiYo videos I was doing during the really early days of the pandemic (I found a old DVD set I bought on Craigslist years before, and just went for it) and it was like visiting an old friend. Is that weird? pathetic? It’s not like I love the banter or the music or anything (the music is pretty shit) but my body recognized the movements and it put me in a better mood.

Can’t argue with that, really, so I’m not going to.

The fog in the mornings has been beautiful. Just breathtaking. Some days I get off at random exits chasing a shot that I can never capture. It’s so frustrating that this image is so elusive, this rendering that does justice to the majesty of the fog sitting in the narrow valley of the reservoir, a rendering I will never possess. I try to just appreciate it in the moment, but it’s hard to let go of the compulsion to just get the one shot that would… make it worth it? Be an adequate tribute? I think I’m always trying to capture moments because I know how little I will remember. But when the image never materializes I tinge the beautify of it in frustration.

What a perfect metaphor for life…

Even if I never get the perfect shot, I know I’ll always remember how much I LOVE the mountains and lake I pass by every day. I couldn’t ask for a more beautiful commute – I actively appreciate it almost every morning. And I guess that is something.

I have 2.5 more weeks before the time changes, and then I’m driving to work in the dark. Right now I’m hitting the most beautiful stretch right when the sun comes up and the light is just beautiful. Every morning I get excited to see how the mountains will look. I feel like these last weeks of Daylight Savings Time are a gift.

Having said that I am so ready for winter. I don’t know what it is, but I am just so ready to leave the heat waves behind and embrace the crisp, chilly air. Winter is coming and I am here for it.

I hope you’re all having a good week.

Uncategorized

The Monday update… again

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

This is not the blogger I want to be, disappearing except for the Monday update. And yet here I am, writing another Monday update, that will probably be followed next week by… another Monday update. Blerg.

When I think about how much I used to write… it’s astonishing.

The weekend was good. And hard. And what I needed. And not enough of what I needed. And eye opening. And totally banal. It was all of those things. And others.

This week will be… watching for rain… and checking my jury service… and preparing for my son’s 8th birthday… and starting new units at school (while always having sub plans ready for possible jury service)… and wondering if there will be another heat wave or if I can pack my warm weather clothes away… and reheating the dozens of pumpkin pancakes I made yesterday.

It turns out the second half of October is really busy. This must always be the case, and I suppose I remembered that, deep down, because I ordered my kids’ costumes in mid September and I was so relieved that I had yesterday when my daughter’s arrived, plastered in customs forms I couldn’t read.

I thought I had more to say, but it’s just tumbleweeds. The only thing worse than the Monday update is a Monday update like this one.

Some days I guess you just have to be happy you showed up.

Uncategorized

Pressure Valve Release

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

I’m finding it hard to show up here again. I swear I think of things I’d like to write about, but by the time I’m home and I have my computer in front of me, I can’t think of a damn thing.

Last week was a little hectic. It was conference week, but I planned a project in the class that I have for three periods and that provided some “down time” that I took advantage of during the days. I didn’t have a ton of conferences, but I had enough to make most of my early afternoons pretty unproductive. I did manage to get in a couple of doctor’s appointments, and now a pre-pre-cancerous (whatever that means) patch on my arm has been frozen off.

The weekend was a welcome respite. Saturday we hosted a lot, and everyone got to socialize, except my husband who really stepped up to help out. Sunday, my parents took the kids so my husband and I could get some down time. We ate at a very expensive restaurant, and spent way more money than I’m comfortable thinking about, but my husband was really happy about it so I’m glad we went. Monday, the kids came home early, we got their homework done (they both randomly had homework which has never happened before on a weekend), and cleaned up around the house. It was really nice.

Having a three day weekend really does make such a difference. It’s like a pressure valve being released. Just that one extra day feels so… expansive. I wonder if transitioning to a four day work week would make my life measurably better in ways that nothing else could. It probably would. But maybe it wouldn’t? I’m sure if I only had one day off a week I would feel like having two days off would make me happy, and yet hear I am wishing I had three. But I do think I would be a lot happier if I worked four days a week instead of five.

The inflexibility of my job can be… challenging. I will NEVER be able to work four days a week. Not unless public education changes in ways it hasn’t in a hundred years. I do wish my job afforded me more flexibility. I guess I’ll just have to be happy with June, July and August.

Did you have a three day weekend? Could you work four days a week if you wanted to?