Not a Wasted Word

THIS POST HAS BEEN EDITED/UPDATED.

I guess I should have expected that last post to generate an intense comment section. In the moment I was just trying to write out the situation in an attempt to figure out how I felt. I was also hoping for some advice on how to manage the feelings as I knew others had already dealt with a situation that was relatively new to me. And I did get lots of good advice on that. Thank you for that.

It’s understandable that we all have a lot of feelings about other people’s actions right now, because other people’s action affect everyone, including us. Full stop. Most of us have never been a part of a public health movement where simple day-to-day actions can affect others in such negative ways. Many of us have never been in a situation where our personal choices are a matter of public health. This is new terrain for all of us and with the botched federal response and confusing, inconsistent public health messaging, it’s not surprising that our nation has not come together in combating this virus.

I am not trying to make explanations for anyone. I believe people should be making certain choices and I am dismayed, and sometimes angry, that they are not making them. But I am not a perfect adherent myself, and I didn’t write that post trying to paint myself as such. California currently has a stay-at-home order that I do not follow when I meet with my kids’ friends at the playground. I wasn’t following that same order when I met with my parents on their patio to open presents on Christmas Eve.

And if my kids spend this weekend at my parents’ house, inside and unmasked for 36 hours, we will not be following even the current CDC guidelines.

And this is where I’ve deleted the rest of this post, the parts that were previously published. I understand people are angry that I posted it at all, I just felt disingenuous not mentioning it again, since I already mentioned it earlier. My previous post was not meant to put me, or my choices, on a pedestal, and it felt like that is what happened, indirectly, in the comment section. It felt dishonest for me to not mention that I am not perfect in my choices either. That I am tired and sad and managing the expectations of others who should be more cautious that we are, but are not.

I’m not asking anyone to talk me out of it. I’m not asking you to tell me it’s okay. I’m not trying to convince people to make bad choices. I’m just trying to be honest. But maybe, in this circumstance, that was the wrong inclination. I know I was furious about the op-ed in the NYT days before Thanksgiving that listed all the direct and indirect contacts the family had, and the risks of them passing on the virus and then ending with, but we’re going to go anyway! I remember thinking that it was so hard to convince my parents to eat outside, at separate tables, and then they were going to read this and think it’s okay to eat inside! I recognize this is a form of that. Others might be teetering, trying to make the right choice, and I put something like this out there, suggesting that there are exceptions to the rules. But there aren’t. And I recognize that. It just felt so dishonest, since I had already mentioned the possible plan, to pretend like I had never mentioned it at all.

I still don’t know what we’re going to do. I outlined my reasoning for why we’re considering it below, in a response to a comment. Please feel free to excoriate me. That is only fair after the comment section on my last post. I will leave this post up for 24 hours so people can say what they need to say to me, then I will take it down.

And I’ll leave this thread link up, because it still feels important.

A 🧵 on COVID Living Room Spread:

Saturday:

– Older, out of the house brother wants to visit younger siblings.

Mom says "get a test on the way, if you are negative you can come."

– Rapid test is (-), family spends a day together inside, laughing, playing, eating.

1/

— Dara Kass, MD (@darakass) December 29, 2020

I mentioned in my last post that my cousin was getting together with her parents (both in their 70s) who flew in to visit them, and her brother and his wife, all inside without masks today. When I FTed them after I wrote that post, I mentioned to my aunt that I thought my parents were feeling lonely and sad today and she said, “well it wont’ last forever.” And it really rubbed me the wrong way, because if it won’t last forever, couldn’t she have waited to see her family? It would be SO MUCH SAFER for me to spend Christmas inside my parents’ house, which is a 30 minute drive away, than for them to spend it with their family after a two flights (and multiple hours in THREE airports). Why do they get to spend Christmas all together, and we don’t?

They aren’t stupid people. These are not conspiracy theorist who don’t believe the virus is real. They have been taking precautions and following health guidelines. My one cousin (the brother who spent the evening there with his wife) is an oncologist! Surely he understands the risks. Surely he knows they shouldn’t be visiting like that.

I have to admit, I can’t stop thinking about it and I’m not sure how to process it. I love this extended family, and I’m not angry at them, I just don’t know how to get over the fact that they are all together for Christmas and we are not. I understand it’s different people making different choices with the same information, but I can’t seem to reconcile it in a way that allows me to just let it go and move on with my life. Their actions don’t affect me except to remind me of what I don’t get to do and make me feel sadder for not doing it, and it feels like their choices shouldn’t matter so much to me. But for some reason, they do.

I am lucky that I don’t have to watch a lot of people who are close to me making such divergent choices and living life in a way that feels more normal. I’m lucky that I haven’t had to manage these feelings much, if at all. But now that I’m having them I’m not quite sure what to do with them. Do I tell myself they are making the wrong choices and hope they are all okay (which I absolutely hope for, I harbor no ill will)? I don’t see how I can admit their choices are acceptable and still be okay with my own choices because then I’d be abstaining from things that make me happy for no reason at all… How do I reconcile knowing that they are not ignorant fools (because they are not) with the choices they are making and simultaneously the choices my family is making?

I’m putting it out there because I thought maybe some of you have had more experience with this and might advice me on how to just let it go and get on with my life. I’m really at a loss and I don’t know to be sitting with these feelings (that I can’t even name yet) for the rest of the break.

I feel very lucky – as I did during Thanksgiving – that traveling to see extended family is not something we normally do during the holidays. We don’t have to feel sad about missing out on an entire place and an entire experience elsewhere that usually makes Christmas special. Having said that, this year’s Christmas looked very different from years past.

We usually have a hectic holidays. We spend Christmas Eve afternoon and evening with my parents, ending the night with a walk down this street with insane Christmas lights. Then we head home, try to get the kids asleep, only to go directly to my in-laws on Christmas morning. We’d stay there until 1pm and then drive to my parents’, stopping at our house only to drop off presents on the way. We’d spend the rest of Christmas day at my parents’ house, finally heading home after dinner with two totally overwhelmed kids.

This year is definitely different. We did spend yesterday with my parents, but we did so outside. They set up this little tree and we opened our presents on the patio.

We were lucky it was not only dry but relatively warm. On the way down we stopped at the nearby park/nature reserve and my husband and kids walked while I ran. After we opened presents and ate at my parents’ backyard, the kids and I spent an hour in their hot tub (which is more warm than hot). We tried to hit up the crazy Christmas lights street, but the line of cars to drive down it was way too long so we bailed (we usually walk the two blocks but I was worried it would be crowded, like it has been in the past). We were home by 6pm, so the kids showered and watched the original Grinch (plus my favorite Disney short – Pluto’s Christmas Tree), then they read a little bit and went to bed.

I had already wrapped all the presents (a first!) so all I had to do was put them under the tree. I also filled the kids’ stockings, which I had never done before (we all have stockings at each grandparents’ house, but we don’t have our own set so my in-laws let us borrow theirs). My husband and I don’t exchange presents so there was nothing in our stockings this year. My husband was worried the kids would wonder at our empty stockings, but as I suspected, they didn’t even notice.

(Have I mentioned that our lights can change from white to colors? I love them so much.)

We told the kids they couldn’t wake us up until 7:30am and luckily I don’t think my son was up too much before that. I woke up at 4am and had the wherewithal to get up and turn on the Christmas tree lights, which I wanted to be on when the kids saw the tree, but I didn’t want to leave on all night.

We opened our presents for a little bit, then the in-laws came over with cinnamon rolls and their presents. We handed off gifts for them and they handed off gifts for us and we said our Merry Christmases through the gate.

We FaceTimed with them while the kids opened their presents (we had to wait for them to get home first), and then called my husband’s sister in Texas and FTed with them too. I’ve also called my sister in London and my cousin in South Carolina (where her parents who flew in, and her brother who is a doctor, will all be spending the evening in the same house together… I must admit I’m a little jealous).

We told our kids that they didn’t have to go outside today and could instead play videogames for as long as they want. They mostly got clothes they needed anyway, some LEGOs, and video games, so letting them play and build is the only thing on the docket today).

I also have my own LEGO set to work on, and I’m very excited.

And that is our Christmas. I know my parents – my mom especially – were really sad not to see us today. At one point I went into my parents’ kitchen yesterday and saw their living room, where we usually spend the day, and I felt very sad that we wouldn’t be there on Christmas, so I understand how they feel. I’m glad they have each other and I hope they enjoy a more low key day.

I have to admit, I am enjoying a more low key day today. I wonder if we can tweak Christmas moving forward so it feels more relaxing. For now I’m just happy that my family is healthy and that my kids are happy.

I hope you and yours are happy and healthy today too.

Yesterday my principal texted us to tell us that a colleague’s husband had passed away unexpectedly. The colleague had surgery for a broken arm resulting from a car accident two weeks ago. She came home and an hour later her husband was dead. He was in his mid-50’s and in good health.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep. I was terrified I wouldn’t wake up.

We’re so focused on this one virus and the possible implications if we get it, we forget that people can die of heart attacks or strokes without any warning. It could happen any time.

It really put today and tomorrow and my sadness around how we are, and are not, celebrating it into perspective.

Sending love and light.

I read a post recently and was shocked to learn that this person’s life is unfolding in very different ways than my own. In the spring most of us were under similar stay-at-home orders and no schools were open. Where I live that has largely not changed – life never returned to any form of normal, retail and restaurants have been open only partially (sometimes not at all) and masks have always been required outside the home. My kids haven’t set foot on their school’s campus since mid-March and an email sent out last Friday suggests they will not do so at all this school year.

We haven’t traveled anywhere. My son has attended a summer camp (mostly outside, always masked) and has participated in some on-site martial arts cohorts at our dojo (small consistent groups, always masked). When I was forced to start teaching in my classroom we enrolled him in a 2x/week learning pod that he’s been attending for 5 weeks. My kids spent the night at my parents house twice in the spring but they haven’t been there since the early summer.

Playgrounds in our areas have only been opened since mid-October. They actually closed down for a week earlier this month but the state changed its stay-at-home order and now they are open again. I am SOOOOO thankful that playgrounds are open. We spend 3-4 hours in the afternoon at the playground and it’s the only thing keeping us sane.

We are spending Christmas Eve in my parents’ backyard, where we will all wear masks and the kids will open their presents from them on the patio and we will eat at separate tables (just like we did on Thanksgiving). On Christmas morning we will zoom with both sets of grandparents while the kids open presents.

I guess I just didn’t realize that in some places, holidays are being celebrated like normal, and kids have been back in school for a good portion of the fall. I know that California, and the Bay Area even more so, have been more locked down than a lot of places (whole lot of good it did us, as our numbers are now spiraling out of control), I just didn’t realize that other places were so not locked down. Or maybe I just haven’t glimpsed what that actually looks like.

Anyway, I haven’t written for a while and I just hope everyone is okay. I know the holidays will look really different for everyone this year, and that some people are heading into the holidays in financial crisis or dealing with profound grief. I hope you’re all okay, or as okay as you can hope to be.

Sending love and light during these dark times.

For some reason my break starts today (I have no idea why – we usually only get the Friday before when Christmas is earlier in the week). I might not understand why we have today off, but I’m very glad that we do! I am so, so ready for a break.

Of course it’s just a break from work, but if I don’t have to sit in front of my computer every night from 9:30 to midnight or 1am (or sit on zooms with students all day) I will definitely take it.

And of course we have no plans for the break. I’m okay with that too. We are lucky that we don’t usually travel at Christmas so it doesn’t feel like we’re missing out on too much. Yes I’d love to celebrate the day with my parents (we still may do something outside like for Thanksgiving) and yes I’d love to just see my in-laws (they don’t leave their house for anything, not even grocery shopping), but the break will largely be the same as breaks of the past – lots of reading and movies and video games.

This is my big plan for the break.

It has always been a favorite but I haven’t read it in decades. I am VERY excited to experience it again for pretty much the first time (I vaguely remember some characters but I can’t seem to remember any major plot points).

I also plan to work on my house a bit, and do some planning for school in January. One of the reasons I’m up so late working every night is I score work and post those scores every night so I don’t have any catch up grading to do (which is usually how I spend 1-2 days of the winter break). It’s a relief to have that all done.

My husband has been taking Mondays and Wednesdays off to be with the kids so he didn’t take any days off over the break. He says usually things are slower and he gets more done during the weeks of Christmas and New Years, so he kind of likes working those days (he does get the Fridays off). Since we’re not going anywhere and we may need the time later in the year when I have to start teaching kids on campus, we decided he shouldn’t burn those days now.

The one thing to look forward to this break is that we may let our kids spend the night with my parents for the last weekend. If we start today we can do two full weeks of strict quarantine before then. Usually my son is at his learning pod or my daughter is at running or something else is happening that makes a two week quarantine all but impossible. This is probably the only time we can pull it off until the summer, so we’re going to try to make it happen. My parents will also quarantine strictly and then the first Friday and Saturday night of the new year my kids might be able to sleep at their house. This is more for my parents than my kids, but I think it would be amazing for all of us. I hope it works out – and yes I know others are not seeing anyone outside their households, but others are straight up traveling (so many of my students are going to Hawaii! And the Bahamas!), and I think the kids spending the night at my parents, who live nearby, after two weeks of strict quarantining is a manageable compromise, especially when this is our only chance to do it for the next six months).

How is everyone? Will you get much of a break during the “break”?

I haven’t been showing up here much (although returning to posts from this time last year shows that I’m showing up more now than I did then). I’ve struggled with what to say. On the one hand my life is not all that awful right now. We are so lucky to have our jobs, and our unit to live in (without bed bugs! – I just knocked on so many wood things after I wrote that). My job is manageable. My kids are doing pretty well. Yes it’s lonely and I miss my parents and friends, but California just reopened playgrounds so this new lock down won’t be as bad as we feared. I’m sad when I think of Christmas without family but I’m looking forward to two weeks off. My husband and I are doing really well – we’re one of those obnoxious couples that is closer now that we were before the pandemic. The reality is that my day to day life is not that bad.

And yet, a lot of the time I feel awful because I know the terror and despair that people are living with every day. I read articles about towns in South Dakota where communities have lost people that were well known and respected and loved and yet they still can’t bring themselves to pass a mask mandate. I know that in a couple weeks tens of millions of renters can be evicted from their apartments and will have no where to go, because our federal government can’t get their shit together to pass a relief bill. Hospitals are full and even here, in the Bay Area, numbers are sky rocketing. And all the while our president does nothing but parrot the “we’re rounding the corner” line while he tries to get the results of the election overturned.

We are rounding a corner, and what we’re going to see on the other side is compounded heart break.

The truth is, I’m losing faith in this country. And I don’t have a lot left to lose. The idea that people refuse to wear a piece of cloth over their face in public so that others won’t get sick and die is… monstrous to me. A refusal to do something so easy to help others shows such a complete disregard for anyone but oneself.

And yes, I know we’re supposed to blame the people in power. And I do. Their failure has created this situation to be sure. But it seems like even if there had been coordinated, effective, consistent messaging from leaders there would still be people who would refuse to do something small to help the people around them. A fair amount of people.

I know it’s more complicated than that. But also it’s kind of not. Even if you’re not sure if the virus is real, or a mask will help, don’t you wear one just because it could? Don’t you take that small step for the good of your community?

I don’t know.

So that’s where I am. Stuck in the murky middle. Thankful for what I have but terrified and despondent for this country.

So I did end up going back and looking at posts from this time of year in 2019 and 2018, and you know what? I wasn’t that much happier back then. Maybe I wasn’t happier at all.

I was frantically busy and ultimately unsatisfied with a lot of my life. It’s not that surprising, I had been suspecting that was the case. I have been feeling kind of panicked recently that in a year or so, when things are closer to normal, I still won’t feel much better. I think, somewhere deep in my subconscious, I knew that there was more to how I was feeling than could be simply attributed to the pandemic.

So what to do about it? One possibility: I need to think really hard about what makes this difficult and identify the aspects from my old life that would alleviate those hardships. And I need to work incredibly hard to not fall back into the patterns that led to the over-scheduled life I left when all this started.

I also need to identify what about our current situation is actually better, and think of possible ways I could maintain some of that.

The good news is that one of the things that made my life really frantic in the past was the PTA, and next year my kids will not be at that school, so nobody can expect me to keep doing PTA stuff there (I really am not doing any PTA stuff anymore and it has been amazing, but it would be hard to stay away if no one stepped up again next year, which is likely since all of the current board is leaving). It will be a lot easier to just not participate in the PTAs at my kids’ new schools (my daughter will be in middle school and my son will be at a different, closer elementary school that a couple of his friends go to and that has a later start time, than it would be to watch the PTA that I spent so many years on implode and not step into to do anything about it.

I also don’t miss the ferrying of kids to and from activities in the afternoon and evenings. This is harder to let go of since I know my kids really benefit from swimming (my daughter) and martial arts (my son). I’m not really sure how to avoid the hectic feeling of the evenings once those activities are available again. We already limit them to one afternoon/evening activity each, I just have very little tolerance for all that driving and sitting at places waiting. (If you have any suggestions on how to keep activities from swallowing the afternoon/evenings let me know).

I don’t miss waking up early and dragging my ass down to school every morning. I don’t miss the short nights of sleep or the commute, or the traffic or any of it. Being able to wake up at 7:30pm (or later) is amazing and I cherish the slower, less stressful mornings we now enjoy.

I also don’t miss being the only parent available before 6:30 or 7pm. My husband has really stepped up and is very present and involved with our kids and other family stuff all throughout the day, and I very much appreciate that. I’m hoping he will have some more flexibility as far as working from home is concerned once they are back in the office. I will definitely be talking to him more about it early and often.

I really like how much time we spend outside doing things that don’t require money. I don’t really miss movie theaters or restaurants or bars much, and I doubt I’ll be doing that stuff as much ev I like hosting outside so much more than inside (my house is generally a mess and by the time I get it prepped for guests I’m exhausted) and I hope that meeting outside is something people will be willing to do even after it’s not required.

I definitely miss my parents and their presence in our kids’ lives. I miss them taking our kids for spend-the-nights and other adventures. I will be thrilled when they can have the kids more.

I also miss my kids being at school, though drop off and pick up were always a source of stress. I definitely need to remember that as I’m looking at middle schools for my daughter. Considering schools across town that would take 30 minutes to get to is a bad idea. I need understand that for me, things like drop off and pick up time really do matter.

I want to write about this more but it’s 1am and I’ve found that if I don’t publish posts they languish in my drafts folder. So I will just press the button.

But not before I recognize how incredibly fortunate I am that my situation is such that I can consider what I do and don’t like about this horrible situation and attempt to use that information to improve my life later. I know I am very, very lucky.

I’m finding it hard to remember what is normal and what’s not. Is it normal for me to count the days between breaks like this? I can’t remember. I know I can go back and ready my own blog to get an idea, but I don’t know if I want to. I didn’t love seeing all the stuff we did before the pandemic started. I had come to believe that our lives weren’t that different – that we always spent this much time at home – but seeing photos of those two months in 2020 before all this started reminded me that our lives really have changed.

I’m tired. It’s hard to get excited about things. Every day feels like an interminable slog. I know I’m skirting depression but what can I do about it? I’ve been here before and I’ll be here again and I know I’m here right now because of circumstances outside my control. I’m working out. I’m eating (relatively) well. I only drink on the weekends. I’m staying connected with friends as well as I can. I’m doing all the things I know I need to do to keep head above water, but the currents are strong and it’s hard to keep swimming.

I know I have it better than 99.9999% of people right now. I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m just writing out what it’s in my head.

I hope you’re all keeping your heads above water too. It’s all we can do.

I can’t believe our first break of the school year is almost over. Today is the last day we actually have off and tomorrow starts the weekend.

I have to say, it was really nice to take a break from work. Even though we couldn’t really take a break from our lives, stepping away from the less pleasant parts of my job was a relief. It was nice for my kids to have a break from online learning too.

I did take my kids down to my campus on Tuesday so I could get some work done (and my husband, who was still working, could really get some work done) and they could play around outside. I have done quite a bit of work during the break but there has been no emails to respond to and no classes to teach and only one week’s worth of work to grade. I have gotten a fair amount of the work related tasks on my to-do list crossed off (and I can finish the rest this weekend).

I also got the Christmas box down and the Christmas tree up and decorated. I washed all the Christms clothes and distributed them to their owners. I even went to Target and bought some Christmas presents along with matching Minecraft Christmas pajamas for my kids. Besides not having any idea what to get my daughter for Christmas, I feel pretty on top of things holiday wise.

I’m almost done with the calendars, which for some reason are taking forever this year. I couldn’t decide on a style so I ended up picking a blank white one and then after I got all the pictures in I decided I hated it, so I tried to start again but that was too daunting so instead I added embellishments from another calendar onto the original white one. At this point I need to just be done with it and order them already. That should happen tonight.

{I don’t have to make my grandmother’s calendar for the first time this year, and I’m trying to focus on what an relief it is that I don’t have to get pictures of all the other great grandkids and make a totally separate calendar instead of how sad I am that she isn’t with us anymore.}

{When I started looking for pictures for the calendar I plugged my stick into my phone and learned I had over TWELVE THOUSAND PHOTOS on there. So I downloaded them all to the stick and erased about half of them. Man oh man, I’m glad I got them off of there. I tire of making the calendars but I do love that it inspires me to go through and choose the best photos of the year (which live on Shutterfly forever), and to purge them off my phone once I’ve gone through them.

I already designed and ordered this year’s ornament. I’m pleased that it is our first “bubble” ornament, which feels very fitting for 2020.

{Those of you who have been reading me for a while know that one of my favorite Christmas traditions is creating an ornament for the year. This is the 11th year that I’ve created an ornament for our tree (and the trees of the grandparents -they get one too).

One thing I have not done is clean up my house. I just can’t seem to get it done. I’ve been telling myself all month that once Thanksgiving break came I’d get the house cleaned up. But here we are, two days away from going back to work and I have barely picked up. I don’t know why I can’t seem to get through this particular headspace that has me just shutting down the minute I try to clean up my house. It’s seriously bothering me.

I have plans to tackle stuff this weekend. We shall see if it actually happens but I want it to. It stresses me out to have the house this messy.

I have gotten the kids outside every day this week (except Wednesday, I let them lounge all day on Wednesday). I’ve kept up with my workouts. I even kept up with my intermittent fasting for Monday through Wednesday. I’ve gotten a ton of stuff done. I am proud of all that and I’m trying to remind myself of it instead of berating myself for not cleaning up the house, but it’s hard.

Thanksgiving ended up being very nice. My parents did an amazing job creating a Covid-safe outdoor celebration and I think they even enjoyed it themselves. They had made a traditional Thanksgiving on Tuesday and packed up half of it for us to take home. On Thursday we all ate pozole together, which is a stew made from hominy (we were at one table and my parents were at another). We played some card games outside, and ladder ball. My mom brought out Christmas cookies to decorate. The kids spent over an hour in the hot tub and we left about 6pm. All in all, it wasn’t that different from a regular Thanksgiving, except we were outside with masks (and our close family friends weren’t celebrating with us). Of course we are lucky that the weather is still very nice here, and yesterday it was especially nice.

We’ve been working through the Marvel movies, though we’re not watching all of them (this bothered me but then I realized that this is what they can handle right now, and later they can watch them ALL again in order if they want). My son loves them but my daughter is losing interest. Luckily she likes to read and doesn’t mind doing that instead of watching… Tonight we’re watching Winter Soldier.

I made face masks for our Elf on the Shelf Heart, and her reindeer Toots. My son has been very worried that Heart will not be able to make it this year. I keep telling him that I think it will be okay but December 1st really can’t come fast enough. I’m thinking Heart might drop us a letter tomorrow morning to ease our anxiety.

I hope you had a safe and resful holiday. Thinking of everyone right now. This shit is hard.