Not a Wasted Word

Thanks for the support and kind words on my last post. The issue was resolved to my satisfaction and I am not longer super stressed when I meet with that class. I did end up talking with them about the panic attack, briefly, and we also talked about how quickly you can lose control of a video once you’ve sent it to someone else.

The last few weeks have been… okay. Some days I feel almost good and others I feel I’m staring down a long tunnel with no light at the end of it. I know there is a light at the end of it, but I can’t see it yet. (On the days when I feel almost good, I’m not bothered by the lack of light at the end of the tunnel – I’m pretty sure hormone fluctuations are the only difference).

As far as living my life, I’m still hitting that wall. Everything feels harder than it used to. I’m struggling to stay on top of my planning, prepping and grading. I’m struggling to show up with the energy and enthusiasm required to keep students engaged enough to get the work done. I’m just… struggling. Even on the good days I am struggling.

And everyone else in my life is struggling too. My husband is miserable. My kids have more meltdowns every day. It’s harder and harder to get them to stay on a zoom call or finish an online assignment. My students at school are struggling too. Significantly more students are getting Fs this trimester, and their weekly emotional check ins show how distressed and unhappy they are. We’re coming up on a full year of this and everyone I know is struggling. Everyone is miserable, and they will be miserable until something changes. And right now, nothing will change for us for a long, long time.

I’m also realizing that my life, the locked down quarantine life, is not being lived by a LOT of people. I always knew different areas, and people in those areas, were handling this differently, but I don’t think I quite realized how differently, and for how long. I have to say, the more I hear about other people’s lives, where their kids go to school in person and they still have a cleaning service come, and they still play sports and attend organized activities… the harder it is for me look down the barrel of so many months more of this isolation and sadness. I don’t even have faith my kids will be back in their classrooms in the fall, and other people’s kids have been there this whole year.

It must be nice to have some semblance of the life you used to live. It must be nice to feel like things are getting better.

I have to say, when I thought everyone was sacrificing together it made it easier for me to make those sacrifices myself. But now, it’s not so easy anymore. I guess I just wish we had more options, but we don’t. California is still so locked down, even as we come out of the winter shelter-in-place orders. And now that we are coming out of the shelter-in-place orders our numbers will stay so high that school districts won’t go back and our kids will be stuck at home for the second half of the school year. It’s a fucking travesty and California should be ashamed. We have the FIFTH LARGEST ECONOMY IN THE WORLD and the vast majority of our public school students will not see the inside of a classroom this school year, they won’t see the inside of a classroom for FIFTEEN MONTHS. Maybe longer.

But what can we do except keep on keeping on. Every day we get through it and then we wake up to get through another day. While other people are living their lives, or some semblance of their lives, we’re still stuck in this groundhog day of isolation and sadness. And yes, with vaccinations things will get better, but it’s going to be a slow, slow march to better. So, so slow. It’s hard to remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel when you you’ve been in the dark so long you can’t even see a pinprick of its presence.

Do you feel like your still stuck in quarantine while other people are getting on with their lives? Are you hitting a wall?

On Wednesday I had a panic attack. During one of my zoom classes. Out of nowhere my heart rate spiked and I went pale. My vision was covered in spots and I couldn’t see. It happened so fast, and I was so disoriented that I didn’t think to turn off my video or just end the zoom call. A couple kids unmuted to ask how I felt and I told them not well and asked for a minute. I went off screen to sit down and I was so disoriented I thought maybe I was dreaming. Once my breathing calmed a little I went back to my computer and tried to keep teaching but my vision was still so bad that after 30 seconds I told them I didn’t feel well and had to go.

It took about 20 minutes for me to stop sweating and feeling so, so cold. It took about an hour for me to feel relatively sure I could teach my 11:50am class, though I was still exhausted and shaky.

I’m really not sure what triggered the panic attack. It was my 9am class and I was definitely nervous about the inauguration that was starting at noon on the other side of the country. But I wasn’t thinking about that at all during my class. It literally came out of nowhere.

Wednesday sucked. I kept thinking of how awful it all must have looked on the zoom and how bad I felt for my students, who were clearly freaked out. I kept wondering if it was going to happen when I logged on again at 11:50pm.

Then this morning in my advisory class the first thing out of one of my students mouth is, Ms. — are you okay? My friend said you were really sick in 1st period yesterday! Then he admitted that actually his friend had sent him a video that he took of me having a panic attack.

I was honestly so shocked I didn’t know what to say. I had worried briefly that a student might have recorded the incident but so many of them had been concerned that I put it out of my mind. I guess that was naive.

It sounds like the video was only shared via text message. But the student who received the video is at my normal middle school and the student who sent the video is at the other middle school (the one where I only have two classes) so probably a lot if kids saw it. Who knows if they just kept forwarding it to more people. At this point I’m just hoping it hasn’t been posted on social media.

The administration at the school of the student who sent it is looking into it. They already called the parents of the student who told me he received the video (evidently the mom had overheard him telling me about it on the zoom call and was mortified). Evidently both her 7th (in my advisory) and 8th grader (in one of my Spanish classes) were sent the video.

So yeah, it’s been a really shitty week and I kind of want to give the fuck up. I had a panic attack and a student recorded it and sent it to a bunch of students and maybe posted it on social media. I’m not quite sure how to bounce back from that.

I’m glad tomorrow is Friday. I just want to crawl into a hole.

In December I set up a surprise visit with my husband’s best friend. We met up at a playground in the East Bay and the kids played while the adults talked. My husband has not seen one friend in person since the pandemic started and his mental health has taken a toll. He was so happy to see his friend, and was very thankful that I set up the visit.

During that visit my husband’s friend invited us out on his boat. Since being outside with masks on is something we are doing, we accepted the invitation. We went out this past Sunday and it was amazing.

The weather up here has been warm. REALLY warm. Unseasonably warm. Actually it’s been warm by any-time-of-year standards in SF. We usually get a heatwave like this in February, but not in January. So while it has been amazing to have temperatures in the 70s, it’s also terrifying to think what it portends for the future.

Clear, warm days on the bay are a rarity so we really lucked out. There was so little wind (very rare here) that we had to motor all of the way there and some of the way back. We did put up the sails for a little bit, but mostly we motored. My daughter has been going to sailing camp for two summers now and she really had a great time.

I got a lot of photos. I have to say, I love San Francisco a lot more when I’m a little ways away, marveling at the skyline.

I wrote a really bummer post earlier this week. I’ve been struggling with a level of anxiety I am not used to and I haven’t been managing it very well. Everything felt like way too much and I was collapsing under the weight of it.

But I’m not going to post that because we all have enough bummer stuff going on in our lives and in our minds and no one needs a dose of my unique brand of sadness.

All that to say I’m not doing great. But I can’t really point to anything specific in my life that is worse than it was before. We’re all living through the nightmare that is the current political situation. We’re all 10 months into this horrifying pandemic. We’re all managing our upturned lives with as much grace as we can manage (though it certainly seems some people’s lives are a lot less upturned).

And as is usually the case, I’m fairing all these hardships better that most. I really have no reason to be struggling any more than anyone else is.

Maybe I’m not – maybe we’re all having this hard a time. I wouldn’t be surprised.

I’ve abandoned any hope of the vaccine making things easier anytime soon. California is 43rd in distributing the vaccine per capita (this might surprise people but California has a long history of not taking advantage of it’s resources (we are still ranked 48th in spending per student in the country when our economy is the FIFTH LARGEST IN THE WORLD)). So yeah, California likes to think it’s the shit, but we fuck plenty of shit up and it looks like we’re fucking this up too. (We thought we were smarter than this virus and now we’re learning that is absolutely not the case).

It’s true that teachers are included in the next phase of vaccine distribution but so are people over 75, agricultural and food processing workers, grocery story employees and others, so basically a shit ton of people. I can’t imagine I’ll be getting the call anytime soon (I have no idea how or from whom I will get the call – I live in a different city and county than the district I teach in so maybe that will complicate things?) Even if I do get it relatively soon, no on in my family will be vaccinated so I could still give it to them.

I have read some articles that some teachers don’t want to return even if they have been vaccinated (because they could bring the virus home to their families). If that is the case, then I hope the state is identifying the districts whose unions are willing to go back, and only offering it to them, before they vaccinate any teachers. Teachers who are NOT going back to the classroom should NOT be vaccinated before others. The last thing this profession needs is a bunch of us getting vaccinated and then still refusing to return to the classroom, and I can totally see that happening because no one knows WHAT they are doing and I absolutely believe districts would take advantage of the line-jumping even if they knew their teachers wouldn’t go back.

I will obviously get vaccinated, but I honestly don’t think it will be offered to me before the summer. Our district is going back as soon as we’re in the red again (second highest covid-risk tier), but with way our numbers are right I doubt that will be any time before late March or early April. Maybe not until May. My kids will not be going back at all this year.

There really is no end in sight. I mean we know at this point things will look more normal, eventually, but it could be a really, really long time from now before they do. If kids can’t get vaccinated, and people who are vaccinated can pass the virus along to others, it will be a really, really long time before things look normal again.

It’s been 10 months of this and I have to admit, I am hitting the wall. Hard.

(And this is the post I put up in PLACE of the downer post.)

How are you doing these days? Do you think the vaccine is going to make things better any time soon?

Thank you for not ripping me apart in the comments. I’m sure many of you said nothing because you were so angry. I appreciate that. I recognize that I shouldn’t have put that out there, because every time someone talks about making a choice that is not in line with current health guidelines, they help other people make those same choices.

I know that is true because when I read Lag Liv’s post yesterday, I definitely thought, if they can do it, why can’t we?

I regret putting it out there. It feels important to say that. I know that damage has been done, but I wanted to apologize. Especially since at this point we don’t think we’re going to send them. It’s just too stressful. I haven’t told my parents yet. That part will be hard…

It’s New Years Eve. I keep forgetting that. We have nothing planned. We picked up fried chicken sandwiches on the way home from a socially distanced meet up at a playground with my husband’s friend. I set it up – it is the first time he has met up with a friend in person since this started. We’ll eat the fried chicken and watch Captain Marvel (my kids stalled out on the Marvel movie marathon at Infinity War, so this is probably the last one). We may let the kids stay up for the NY ball drop but probably not. I may have a drink tonight, and I’ll stay up until midnight, but only because I can’t sleep if I go to sleep earlier.

And that is our New Year’s. We don’t usually do much so it doesn’t feel that hard to not do much.

I hope you all have a happy and healthy start to the new year.

THIS POST HAS BEEN EDITED/UPDATED.

I guess I should have expected that last post to generate an intense comment section. In the moment I was just trying to write out the situation in an attempt to figure out how I felt. I was also hoping for some advice on how to manage the feelings as I knew others had already dealt with a situation that was relatively new to me. And I did get lots of good advice on that. Thank you for that.

It’s understandable that we all have a lot of feelings about other people’s actions right now, because other people’s action affect everyone, including us. Full stop. Most of us have never been a part of a public health movement where simple day-to-day actions can affect others in such negative ways. Many of us have never been in a situation where our personal choices are a matter of public health. This is new terrain for all of us and with the botched federal response and confusing, inconsistent public health messaging, it’s not surprising that our nation has not come together in combating this virus.

I am not trying to make explanations for anyone. I believe people should be making certain choices and I am dismayed, and sometimes angry, that they are not making them. But I am not a perfect adherent myself, and I didn’t write that post trying to paint myself as such. California currently has a stay-at-home order that I do not follow when I meet with my kids’ friends at the playground. I wasn’t following that same order when I met with my parents on their patio to open presents on Christmas Eve.

And if my kids spend this weekend at my parents’ house, inside and unmasked for 36 hours, we will not be following even the current CDC guidelines.

And this is where I’ve deleted the rest of this post, the parts that were previously published. I understand people are angry that I posted it at all, I just felt disingenuous not mentioning it again, since I already mentioned it earlier. My previous post was not meant to put me, or my choices, on a pedestal, and it felt like that is what happened, indirectly, in the comment section. It felt dishonest for me to not mention that I am not perfect in my choices either. That I am tired and sad and managing the expectations of others who should be more cautious that we are, but are not.

I’m not asking anyone to talk me out of it. I’m not asking you to tell me it’s okay. I’m not trying to convince people to make bad choices. I’m just trying to be honest. But maybe, in this circumstance, that was the wrong inclination. I know I was furious about the op-ed in the NYT days before Thanksgiving that listed all the direct and indirect contacts the family had, and the risks of them passing on the virus and then ending with, but we’re going to go anyway! I remember thinking that it was so hard to convince my parents to eat outside, at separate tables, and then they were going to read this and think it’s okay to eat inside! I recognize this is a form of that. Others might be teetering, trying to make the right choice, and I put something like this out there, suggesting that there are exceptions to the rules. But there aren’t. And I recognize that. It just felt so dishonest, since I had already mentioned the possible plan, to pretend like I had never mentioned it at all.

I still don’t know what we’re going to do. I outlined my reasoning for why we’re considering it below, in a response to a comment. Please feel free to excoriate me. That is only fair after the comment section on my last post. I will leave this post up for 24 hours so people can say what they need to say to me, then I will take it down.

And I’ll leave this thread link up, because it still feels important.

A 🧵 on COVID Living Room Spread:

Saturday:

– Older, out of the house brother wants to visit younger siblings.

Mom says "get a test on the way, if you are negative you can come."

– Rapid test is (-), family spends a day together inside, laughing, playing, eating.

1/

— Dara Kass, MD (@darakass) December 29, 2020

I mentioned in my last post that my cousin was getting together with her parents (both in their 70s) who flew in to visit them, and her brother and his wife, all inside without masks today. When I FTed them after I wrote that post, I mentioned to my aunt that I thought my parents were feeling lonely and sad today and she said, “well it wont’ last forever.” And it really rubbed me the wrong way, because if it won’t last forever, couldn’t she have waited to see her family? It would be SO MUCH SAFER for me to spend Christmas inside my parents’ house, which is a 30 minute drive away, than for them to spend it with their family after a two flights (and multiple hours in THREE airports). Why do they get to spend Christmas all together, and we don’t?

They aren’t stupid people. These are not conspiracy theorist who don’t believe the virus is real. They have been taking precautions and following health guidelines. My one cousin (the brother who spent the evening there with his wife) is an oncologist! Surely he understands the risks. Surely he knows they shouldn’t be visiting like that.

I have to admit, I can’t stop thinking about it and I’m not sure how to process it. I love this extended family, and I’m not angry at them, I just don’t know how to get over the fact that they are all together for Christmas and we are not. I understand it’s different people making different choices with the same information, but I can’t seem to reconcile it in a way that allows me to just let it go and move on with my life. Their actions don’t affect me except to remind me of what I don’t get to do and make me feel sadder for not doing it, and it feels like their choices shouldn’t matter so much to me. But for some reason, they do.

I am lucky that I don’t have to watch a lot of people who are close to me making such divergent choices and living life in a way that feels more normal. I’m lucky that I haven’t had to manage these feelings much, if at all. But now that I’m having them I’m not quite sure what to do with them. Do I tell myself they are making the wrong choices and hope they are all okay (which I absolutely hope for, I harbor no ill will)? I don’t see how I can admit their choices are acceptable and still be okay with my own choices because then I’d be abstaining from things that make me happy for no reason at all… How do I reconcile knowing that they are not ignorant fools (because they are not) with the choices they are making and simultaneously the choices my family is making?

I’m putting it out there because I thought maybe some of you have had more experience with this and might advice me on how to just let it go and get on with my life. I’m really at a loss and I don’t know to be sitting with these feelings (that I can’t even name yet) for the rest of the break.

I feel very lucky – as I did during Thanksgiving – that traveling to see extended family is not something we normally do during the holidays. We don’t have to feel sad about missing out on an entire place and an entire experience elsewhere that usually makes Christmas special. Having said that, this year’s Christmas looked very different from years past.

We usually have a hectic holidays. We spend Christmas Eve afternoon and evening with my parents, ending the night with a walk down this street with insane Christmas lights. Then we head home, try to get the kids asleep, only to go directly to my in-laws on Christmas morning. We’d stay there until 1pm and then drive to my parents’, stopping at our house only to drop off presents on the way. We’d spend the rest of Christmas day at my parents’ house, finally heading home after dinner with two totally overwhelmed kids.

This year is definitely different. We did spend yesterday with my parents, but we did so outside. They set up this little tree and we opened our presents on the patio.

We were lucky it was not only dry but relatively warm. On the way down we stopped at the nearby park/nature reserve and my husband and kids walked while I ran. After we opened presents and ate at my parents’ backyard, the kids and I spent an hour in their hot tub (which is more warm than hot). We tried to hit up the crazy Christmas lights street, but the line of cars to drive down it was way too long so we bailed (we usually walk the two blocks but I was worried it would be crowded, like it has been in the past). We were home by 6pm, so the kids showered and watched the original Grinch (plus my favorite Disney short – Pluto’s Christmas Tree), then they read a little bit and went to bed.

I had already wrapped all the presents (a first!) so all I had to do was put them under the tree. I also filled the kids’ stockings, which I had never done before (we all have stockings at each grandparents’ house, but we don’t have our own set so my in-laws let us borrow theirs). My husband and I don’t exchange presents so there was nothing in our stockings this year. My husband was worried the kids would wonder at our empty stockings, but as I suspected, they didn’t even notice.

(Have I mentioned that our lights can change from white to colors? I love them so much.)

We told the kids they couldn’t wake us up until 7:30am and luckily I don’t think my son was up too much before that. I woke up at 4am and had the wherewithal to get up and turn on the Christmas tree lights, which I wanted to be on when the kids saw the tree, but I didn’t want to leave on all night.

We opened our presents for a little bit, then the in-laws came over with cinnamon rolls and their presents. We handed off gifts for them and they handed off gifts for us and we said our Merry Christmases through the gate.

We FaceTimed with them while the kids opened their presents (we had to wait for them to get home first), and then called my husband’s sister in Texas and FTed with them too. I’ve also called my sister in London and my cousin in South Carolina (where her parents who flew in, and her brother who is a doctor, will all be spending the evening in the same house together… I must admit I’m a little jealous).

We told our kids that they didn’t have to go outside today and could instead play videogames for as long as they want. They mostly got clothes they needed anyway, some LEGOs, and video games, so letting them play and build is the only thing on the docket today).

I also have my own LEGO set to work on, and I’m very excited.

And that is our Christmas. I know my parents – my mom especially – were really sad not to see us today. At one point I went into my parents’ kitchen yesterday and saw their living room, where we usually spend the day, and I felt very sad that we wouldn’t be there on Christmas, so I understand how they feel. I’m glad they have each other and I hope they enjoy a more low key day.

I have to admit, I am enjoying a more low key day today. I wonder if we can tweak Christmas moving forward so it feels more relaxing. For now I’m just happy that my family is healthy and that my kids are happy.

I hope you and yours are happy and healthy today too.

Yesterday my principal texted us to tell us that a colleague’s husband had passed away unexpectedly. The colleague had surgery for a broken arm resulting from a car accident two weeks ago. She came home and an hour later her husband was dead. He was in his mid-50’s and in good health.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep. I was terrified I wouldn’t wake up.

We’re so focused on this one virus and the possible implications if we get it, we forget that people can die of heart attacks or strokes without any warning. It could happen any time.

It really put today and tomorrow and my sadness around how we are, and are not, celebrating it into perspective.

Sending love and light.

I read a post recently and was shocked to learn that this person’s life is unfolding in very different ways than my own. In the spring most of us were under similar stay-at-home orders and no schools were open. Where I live that has largely not changed – life never returned to any form of normal, retail and restaurants have been open only partially (sometimes not at all) and masks have always been required outside the home. My kids haven’t set foot on their school’s campus since mid-March and an email sent out last Friday suggests they will not do so at all this school year.

We haven’t traveled anywhere. My son has attended a summer camp (mostly outside, always masked) and has participated in some on-site martial arts cohorts at our dojo (small consistent groups, always masked). When I was forced to start teaching in my classroom we enrolled him in a 2x/week learning pod that he’s been attending for 5 weeks. My kids spent the night at my parents house twice in the spring but they haven’t been there since the early summer.

Playgrounds in our areas have only been opened since mid-October. They actually closed down for a week earlier this month but the state changed its stay-at-home order and now they are open again. I am SOOOOO thankful that playgrounds are open. We spend 3-4 hours in the afternoon at the playground and it’s the only thing keeping us sane.

We are spending Christmas Eve in my parents’ backyard, where we will all wear masks and the kids will open their presents from them on the patio and we will eat at separate tables (just like we did on Thanksgiving). On Christmas morning we will zoom with both sets of grandparents while the kids open presents.

I guess I just didn’t realize that in some places, holidays are being celebrated like normal, and kids have been back in school for a good portion of the fall. I know that California, and the Bay Area even more so, have been more locked down than a lot of places (whole lot of good it did us, as our numbers are now spiraling out of control), I just didn’t realize that other places were so not locked down. Or maybe I just haven’t glimpsed what that actually looks like.

Anyway, I haven’t written for a while and I just hope everyone is okay. I know the holidays will look really different for everyone this year, and that some people are heading into the holidays in financial crisis or dealing with profound grief. I hope you’re all okay, or as okay as you can hope to be.

Sending love and light during these dark times.