Not a Wasted Word

My son really enjoyed camp. He bounded out with a huge smile on his face, immediately launching into a story about how he made a new friend.

{I will admit I breathed a massive sigh of relief upon hearing that he had a good day. I haven’t been that nervous about my son being somewhere since his first day of preschool.}

My daughter and her friends (and my friend) had a nice day at the beach, which was empty because it was too windy and cold to really enjoy it. But the girls played in the water a lot (until their chattering teeth forced them back onto the sand) and I got to run (while my friend watched the girls) and we got home right in time to pick up my son.

Screen time was cut in half. There was no fussing when we turned it off. My son fell asleep a full hour earlier than he has in months.

It was a good day.

And since I don’t have the time or energy to write more, I will share this article, that feels very important right now.

I am a teacher and it’s July so I’m not working right now. Why would I put my kid in camp, during a pandemic, when I don’t really need it?

Well, the short answer is, I feel like we really do need it. And here is why.

My son is struggling. A lot. He struggles with emotional regulation and he struggles with interpersonal relationships. He absolutely needs to be practicing reciprocal peer relations right now. He only has one good friend, that he can’t see much because he has asthma and his parents are (rightly) very caution. We’ve only had three socially distanced play dates with them, which means my son has only had three interactions with a kid his age in the past four months (they all happened in the past three weeks). While he has spent considerable time with his sister’s friends, that is obviously a different dynamic. I believe interacting with kids his age is really important for him right now.

My daughter needs some space from her brother. They are together always. When she is with the few friends we are seeing during shelter in place she has to include him. She and her friends are very good at making him a part of their play, but he makes it hard. He is acutely aware that they are being forced to play with him and he resents that they get to be together and he does not get to be with his own peers. This creates a lot of conflict. With her brother at camp, she and her friends will be free to play without having to navigate his complicated feelings.

I need a break. I’ve been struggling as much, if not more, than my son. The final trimester of the school year, when I was working constantly to implement distance learning while also supporting my own children’s distance learning, almost broke me. Spending every minute of an unstructured summer with my kids has been exceedingly difficult for me. The anxiety and depression I’ve been battling scare me. It has not been an easy time and I have not weathered it as well as I would like.

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if I lack the grit or resilience necessary to see this through. Other families seem able to manage the days without succumbing to what at times feels like crippling anxiety. Maybe I do lack something that others have. I don’t really know and I’ll probably never know. All I DO know is that I will be a much better mom to both my kids (and wife to my husband) if I get some time and space from them. I am acknowledging and accepting my limits and planning accordingly. I know I am exceedingly privileged to have a camp option that works for us financially and logistically. Many families do not have that option and I recognize how fortunate I am to have it myself.

I am a teacher in a district that is going back to the classroom in some capacity next year. Barring another complete shut down and renewed rigid shelter in place order, I WILL be on campus in mid-August with 32 kids in my classroom during the week. If we are still going to school after six weeks I will be seeing 120 kids on a weekly basis. My kids will also be at their school (if they are invited back), which means they will be exposed to at least 24 kids between the two of them every week (at a school that serves primarily low-income Latinx students, whose families are disproportionately affected by the coronavirus). We don’t have much choice in being exposed to others (as so many have had no choice since the start of this). There is definitely a feeling of… if not now, soon when it comes to considering how much more exposure we’re risking by sending our son to this camp now, and then both our kids to different camps in three weeks. We will be taking on a lot of exposure in mid-August, so starting now only accelerates the timeline. Maybe that is an ignorant mindset to embrace, but it’s where I’m at right now.

I will be working. While no one is expecting me to work during the next six weeks, I will be working. I have to do an incredible amount of work this summer if I want the fall to feel less frenetic, chaotic and stressful. As an elective teacher I will absolutely be teaching my Spanish content entirely online. I will probably also be teaching some core classes – most probably 7th or 8th grade math and science. The amount of prep that will create for me is mind boggling, so getting some quality Spanish curriculum ready before the year starts will help me tremendously. (There is a slight chance I will be teaching 5th grade entirely and not teaching Spanish at all, but I’m choosing to forge ahead with the assumption that I’m teaching at least some Spanish next year.)

And yes, I could manage to get work done with my kids home. Families across the United States are doing that right now. But doing that would make me, and my kids, very unhappy. Why makes my life exponentially harder now, when I know it will be incredibly hard in six short weeks, if I don’t have to?

I know judgement of other family’s choices is rampant right now (I’ve fallen into a mindset of righteous indignation on more than one occasion myself), and that many think summer camp is an unnecessary risk that only the families with no other option should be willing to take. We are definitely not one of those families. We have options – more than the vast majority of Americans – and yet I’m still putting my kid (and then kids) in camp. It may not be the right choice for everyone, but we believe it’s the right choice for our family.

{I really hope it is the right choice for my son – he has been with us exclusively for so long, with so much unstructured time, I worry about how he’ll handle the transition away from home and family and into a highly structured environment of a camp-during-coronavirus social distanced activities. I think if he finds one kid to befriend we are good to go, but if not it could be difficult. If he really doesn’t like it, I’ll obviously pull him, but I’m really hoping that is not how it goes down. I will let you all know.}

What is your opinion of summer camps during the coronavirus?

Lest we forget.

Trying to focus on some small bright spots right now.

Today Hamilton streams on Disney+ and we’ve been waiting a long time to see it. We can’t wait to watch it later today. HAMILTON IS FINALLY HERE!

I really love our downstairs unit. It makes me happy. I spent a lot of time (and money!) making it perfect and it has really paid off. Now I just need to spend more time down there…

I’m really enjoying my book right now. It’s the second installment of the Inkheart trilogy (I’m reading it in Spanish and I’m not quite sure of its name in English… Inkblood? That doesn’t sound right…) It’s a YA fantasy novel and I want to read it all the time, which feels good.

I’m really enjoying the third season of Dark, which just came out last week. I rewatched the first two seasons with my husband (who never watched them before) and man do I love that show. It’s hard to follow and there is a good chance it won’t pay off in the end, but I’m enjoying it while I watch it!

I got my son into a camp for the second session, which means he starts on Monday. I think it’s going to be really hard, especially the first week, as it’s been a LONG time since we had to be anywhere (or have been apart!) but I also think it will be good for him and I know it will be really good for me. Almost four months together has been hard on both of us. He needs to be with kids his age and I need a break from being with him.

With my son at camp it will be much easier to have my daughter and her friends outside. My son requires an incredibly amount of energy to manage, and things will be much easier with him off doing fun things.

Now I might just get the work I need done so that next fall isn’t a total shit show. I am highly motivated to take advantage of this opportunity.

My husband is off today, which means he can use today to get caught up on work and then actually have the weekend to hang out. That will be very nice.

Happy 4th of July. Stay safe.

Well, July is here.

We are usually in St. Louis this week. We spend 4th of July at the farm with all my aunts and uncles, and my cousins and their kids. It’s the highlight of every summer – of the year really. Seeing my extended family is very important to me. I’ve only missed a handful of summers in St. Louis – the only one I can remember for sure was the summer my daughter was born. When I was a kid, and we lived in Hong Kong, we spent the entire summer in St. Louis. I am very close with my family there.

But this year we won’t see them.

I know if in the grand scheme of pandemic related sadness, this falls low on the list. But I’m sad this week. Really sad. I’m hoping that after the 4th of July weekend I’ll feel better.

My birthday is later this month, though and I think I’ll be a bit down in the dumps until it’s over. I’m turning 40 and I actually had plans so it’s sad they won’t be happening. My birthday even fell on a Friday this year. I remember how happy I was when I realized that… seems like a long time ago. Such a silly thing to be happy about, but I was, back then.

I need to start getting some work done, on the house and for work. I have no idea what next fall will bring except more chaos and uncertainty and stress, but there are steps I can take now to make that time less chaotic and stressful. I really can do work now that will make my life demonstrably easier in the fall.

I’ve spent two weeks wallowing in a shitty depression. It’s likely I won’t claw my way out of it entirely, but I’ve been depressed for a big enough portion of my life that I can usually make myself do some shit despite how much harder it is. (Goddamn, depression makes it hard to motivate.) Maybe if I get started I’ll feel accomplished and it will help get the ball rolling.

Right now I’m just hoping the kids’ camps happen. If I could get three weeks at the end of the summer to really get some shit done – and to get a break from them every day – I might just make it to the end of the calendar year. I’m pretty sure my daughter’s camp will happen but I worry about my son’s. His is the one I need more, so a part of me will have trouble finding a sense of calm until that has actually started.

In at attempt to end on a positive note: On Friday Hamilton will be streaming on Disney + and my kids are incredibly excited about it. They are obsessed with the music but neither has seen it (I was putting in for the cheap seats lottery for months before the pandemic hit but I never won). Friday is going to be Hamilton day, so at least we have that. It’s something to look forward to, and it’s nice because otherwise this weekend will offer nothing really – no fireworks, no barbecues, no hanging out with friends, no nothing. It’s nice to have something to look forward to.

I’m feeling better this morning. The weekend was more restorative than I expected. On Saturday we didn’t do much but I did get in a long run. It was very windy and very foggy but I appreciated getting out.

On Sunday my husband planned a hike down on the peninsula (after I had a panic attack about dreading the weekend). It ended up being very near where I work (and where my parents still live) but I had never been before. Luckily, down there the weather is always much nicer than in the city.

My kids bitched for much of the first half of the hike, but their attitudes improved for the second half. It was definitely nice to get outside and enjoy the beautiful scenery.

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Of course we wore masks, but we were able to keep them off for much of the hike. We only put them on when we passed another group.

At the end we saw a cat. A cat who was on a hike (off leash) with its owners. As a self proclaimed crazy cat family, this was the perfect ending to our outing.

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My husband and I had it out yesterday. It was a long time in coming. Turns out the feeling of equity around childcare and household chores that we’d finally reached after years of struggle was not immune to the complete upheaval of our lives that sheltering in place has created.

It also turns out that as an introvert and an extrovert that crave connection in different ways, sheltering in place is affecting us differently.

After a lot of yelling, and tears (on my part) we got to a place where we could recognize the blind spots that our biases were creating as we considered each other’s perspective. And of course, there are no easy answers moving forward, when options are as limited as they are in a place where we likely we won’t make it to Phase 2 of reopening, and we don’t have the financial means to hire help in a way that would meaningfully reduce the burden of childcare.

I’ve come to dread the weekends. During the week days we have a certain schedule we follow – and other people have come to depend on us going outside so their kids can join. That helps me feel like our days have purpose. The weekends are just hours stacked on hours with nothing really to do. I was always the mom who took her kids somewhere on the weekends. The idea of staying at home has always filled me with dread. I had passes to all the kid places around – I was always out and about. It’s how I like to pass the hours. It’s how I keep myself mentally healthy.

But there is no where to go. No where that we haven’t already been.

I stare at the July calendar with increasing feelings of dread. I’m panicked that my kids camps in August will be cancelled. I’m terrified my principal will call me to tell me I’ve been reassigned to a 5th grade class because they don’t want to hire new teachers and middle school electives are easily expendable in a crisis like this one. I will be miserable teaching 5th grade in pandemic conditions, but it’s better than not having a job (this is why I kept my multiple subject credential current, after all). If I get reassigned, my old position will probably cease to exist, at least for a long while.

I’m resigned to the reality that the parents in my district want their kids back in the classroom no matter the risk it poses to me and my family. The disregard for teacher health and well being is not necessarily surprising, but it’s still upsetting. Meanwhile the state is requiring schools return with at least some brick-and-mortar teaching taking place or they simply won’t fund districts.

These possibilities and realities rattle around in my head as I stare at the clock and watch the minutes tick slowly by. The kids get Minecraft in the morning and a movie in the late afternoon / early evening, and there are so many hours in between.

I’m going to run later today. To clear my head and get some much needed endorphins to my brain. I gotta find a way to get out of this rut. My mental health is deteriorating and I’m finding it hard to give enough f***s to do anything about it.

My husband planned an outing tomorrow, which I appreciate. I know he’s doing it for me, and it’s nice to feel like he cares. I think ultimately he realized is I become a useless puddle of muck he is truly f***ed, but I also think he cares about me feeling better.

These are hard times. Things are only going to get harder. I think it’s realizing how truly screwed we are, and for how long, that is finally sinking in. I guess I thought things were going to get better, but even in San Francisco, where people are more willing to wear masks (and where legally they have been required to for the past month), where the weather is nice enough to go outside and the wind keeps us safer than in most places, where restaurants haven’t even been allowed to have people sit inside and bars never even reopened – our numbers have gone up enough that the next phase of reopening that was supposed to start this Monday has been postponed. If we can’t keep numbers down here, I doubt anyone can. It’s a chilling thought.

I’m trying to appreciate the small moments with my kids – to really look at them when they are talking to me, to soak up who they are right at this moment. It helps, but it’s still hard.

What bright spots are lighting the way for you right now? How do you make it through the weekends?

The bright spot in my summer just got snuffed out. I hadn’t realized how much I had hanging on it until it was gone. I’m disappointed. And really sad.

I’m sad for me. I’m sad for my kids. We are all craving a connection we just aren’t getting. And we won’t be getting it for a long, long time. I had some concentrated connection to look forward to, and it was lighting the way for me. Now everything feels dark.

I’m lonely. I spend all day with my kids (and being with them can be stressful because intense emotional outbursts are still very much the norm and I sometimes feel held hostage to the whims of a kid who has no control over emotional responses), and then all night alone while my husband works. I rarely interact with other adults for more than moments at a time.

My husband is stressed out and has no mental or emotional capacity to support me. I am stressed out and have no mental or emotional capacity to support him. We’re both unhappy and neither has the energy to meet the other where they are at. The bright spot was suppose to diffuse some of this and help us get back to each other. Now we need to muddle through without the break from each other and our daily routine.

The school year has only been over for two weeks. I realize I’m still decompressing from one of the most stressful three months of my life. I’m also ramping up for what is sure to be one of the most stressful academic years of my life. (Speaking to my principal for over an hour today supports this assumption.)

And right now I’m stuck in the middle, in this strange lull that is defined by monotony and stress and loneliness and sadness. This time is not restorative at all. I will be starting in the fall with none of the mental and emotional reserves that usually are at my disposal, when my need for those reserves is greater than ever.

One day at a time. I keep telling myself that. Just get to the evening, go to sleep, wake up again and do it all over. That is where I’m at. It will have to be enough.

When I think of the collective stress and grief that this country is experiencing right now – from the mass unemployment, the loss of livelihoods, the grief of those who have lost loved ones, the fear of state sanctioned actors that are supposed to protect us, (and I recognize my own struggle is minuscule compared to that which most Americans are dealing with), and I think of how egregiously our administration has bungled the response to this crisis, and the subsequent crises, I feel an anger and resentment I’ve never experienced before. The rest of the world looks at us with pity and disbelief as more people die here than any other country (we make up 4% of the world’s population but account for 25% coronavirus deaths). It’s shameful what is happening in this country. I have been ashamed of being American many times in my adult life but right now I’m overwhelmed with disdain. I don’t understand how we could have ended up here. I don’t see how we can make it out of this intact.

One day at a time. It’s the only thing to cling on to.

I think one of the things stressing me out right now is this feeling that I should take advantage of this summer to instill some productive habits into myself and my kids. It’s so easy, when we have camp to get to and trips to take, to let the summer fly by without changing much about how we go about our days. But this summer we are home. And I am around. And I feel like I should take advantage of that.

My kids don’t really do any chores. They clean up their rooms about once a week (with our help), but that is about it. I REALLY want to add some chores into our daily routine so that they see themselves as contributing members of our household (and so they actually do some of the stuff that otherwise I would do!)

So far my attempts have been a disaster. This is probably because I am horrible at doing chores too. My house is a mess, and it’s hard to request they keep their rooms clean when the living room isn’t much neater. I also don’t feel I’m very good at teaching them how to clean up their spaces. My daughter is so much like me that I find her room impossible to tackle – I send my husband in there to help her and I deal with my son’s room.

We started with a beautiful chore chart and they were each supposed to earn a certain number of points during the week by doing a certain number of chores. Chores were broken down into 1-point tasks so they would be easy for the kids to complete. They had to do as many chores points as their age, so our daughter had to do slightly more than our son. We made it through the first week okay, but quickly fell out of the habit. The second week I was actually reminding them and they basically refused to do stuff. In the end I was too tired to have the battles over the screen time that we promised we’d take away if they didn’t contribute.

The week of trying out different stuff did help my daughter figure out what she liked to do best, and what she really disliked doing. She hates wiping off the kitchen counters in the morning (which I think is a super easy, and satisfying, chore), but she doesn’t mind cleaning the bathroom (which, in my opinion, is the worst!)

So I have been teaching my daughter how to clean the bathroom and she now cleans the upstairs bathroom (sink, toilet, floor) twice a month and cleans the bathtub once a month. It certainly needs a little work after she’s done, but she’s learning how to do it.

We have them bring their dishes into the kitchen sink, and we were having them load the dishwasher but that required more energy from me than it was worth. My husband actually does the dishes and isn’t interested in training them on it so I’ve let that possibility go.

I do their laundry but am having them put away their clothes. My daughter (10yo) has to put away everything, I only make my son (6yo) put away his pjs, socks and underwear. I still fold and put away his shirts and pants.

I was making my daughter actually fold her laundry but that fight got old pretty fast so now I just require it be put into drawers that can be closed. The clothes she wears now are terribly wrinkled but I’m just letting it go because I feel like it’s not my place to make her do things the way I want them done. I tell myself that as long as her dresser can function it’s not really my business. At least, I’m willing to concede it if she at least gets the clothes put away. I’m assuming at some point in her life she will get sick of wearing wrinkled clothes and ask me how to fold them again.

I tried to teach my son to sweep but he almost smashed a hole in our TV with the end of the broom twice so I stopped. I’ve had him vacuum his carpet a couple of times but he insists on wearing ear plugs and I’m almost out of those…

I honestly don’t know what else to have them do. Their attitudes about it suck, even though we’ve tried to frame it as everyone helping out so that we can all be happier. My daughter seems to get it and wants to help but my son is frankly a jerk about it. He seems to have zero interest in contributing. I’m really hoping it’s his age and that I am not raising an asshat.

I didn’t have to do many chores until I was older and honestly I think that is part of why I’m so bad at basic adult functioning now (or maybe my mom tried and I was so useless distracted and unhelpful she just eventually gave up. Cleaning the bathroom and loading the dishwasher were definitely my chores eventually but I don’t know if I ever did my own laundry until college(!!).) I want to make sure my kids are doing more.

Did you do chores as a kid? If so, which ones and at how old? Do you make your own kids do chores (if you have any)? How do you frame them?

After writing Sunday night’s post, and immediately pressing publish, I felt a little better. Sometimes just writing the words helps.

Then yesterday morning, as I was responding to a comment, I realized that I am due to have my period this week. Immediately upon realizing that I felt better because I KNOW part of the hopelessness and overwhelm that I’m feeling is due to hormonal shifts. I will almost certainly feel better by next week.

I also talked to a friend and now feel better about the decision I have to make. That definitely helps.

So far I’ve been pretty good about taking this one day at a time. The uncertainty hasn’t been as anxiety-inducing as I expected (as a Type A super planner I find long term uncertainty very difficult to deal with – and yes I recognize life is defined by uncertainty but usually we can ignore that by focusing on what we EXPECT will happen – without that illusion the reality of uncertainty is impossible to ignore). I have really and truly taken it one day (really probably more like one week) at a time. But…

Since we finished school a week ago, and the frenzy of my daily schedule subsided, there was a gaping hole left in my brain and I guess my anxiety rose to fill it. Having to fill the days with my kids is not helping. My husband has been incredibly busy with work so he is basically downstairs 10-14 hours a day, leaving me to manage all the kids’ waking hours save dinner or bedtime (he usually comes up for one of them).

I’ve been taking the kids outside for 3-4 hours a day with a friend’s daughter, and that helps. For a while I thought it was stressing me out more, but then one day we cancelled all our plans and the hours marched so slowly – my kids were literally staring at the clock, trying to will it to say 5:30 so they could play videogames. It sucked, way more than getting them outside has. And realizing that even if we don’t do anything it’s so, so hard spiked my anxiety even more.

{I’m also realizing decision fatigue is at play. What should we do tomorrow? When will I fit in the minuscule amount of academic “work” I’m requiring from my kids (it’s just playing academic games! Why do they fight it so hard?!) Should I attempt a Zones of Regulation lesson? What will I make them for the three meals they will inevitably fight me on? Do the need to shower? When did they last showered?! The loss of structure to our weeks and days is making decision fatigue a real issue. It’s definitely contributing to my anxiety.}

My kids are so needy lately – they are with us more than they ever have been and yet they seem to demand our attention even more than usual. Lately they even demand we play Minecraft and other Switch games with them – so we’re not even getting that time to wind down as adults! I don’t know what is going on, but it’s incredibly draining. I try to set boundaries, but their reactions require so much management that it’s easier to just play the games. I definitely need some respite.

{I’m sure part of the issue is they are craving connection and what they get is so limited (my son has not seen one friend, even socially distanced, since this started in mid-March) that they are turning to us to fill all their needs of connection. The longer this goes on, and the more time we spend together, the more they will want to be with us. It’s a vicious cycle.}

I ended up getting both kids into camp for the last three weeks of summer so there is that light at the end of the tunnel. But man, there are a lot of days between now and then (session three camps start 7/27), and of course afterward we go back to this new normal, except harder when school starts, I’m sure.

Another thing I DEFINITELY need to do is unplug from the news cycle. Reading the same articles about coronavirus surges around the country is not helping. If policy makers aren’t going to change the way we play this game based on the new data, it’s not going to do me any good to read about it. I am extremely lucky that I don’t have to worry much about my own family as none of us are immunosuppressed or have underlying conditions. My inlaws are so careful they won’t even leave the car to wave at us when they stop by and my parents are making their own choices to widen their circle in outside socially distant scenarios (they asked to take my kids for a spend the night and I finally agreed – my kids will be there next week).

I am recognizing that I need to find my own mindset about how to proceed (within our state and regional guidelines) because this is not going away for a long time and I need to do what makes sense for me and my family. Reading a million articles is not going to help me figure out how I feel about this stuff because they aren’t providing new information. So I need to take what I know and make the choices that I feel are best for me and my family. It’s all about risk assessment. We do this all the time as parents, we just usually aren’t exposed to a constant, recurring news cycles about it we can access at the swipe of a screen.

{On a related note, I was realizing that I had fallen into the same patterns of obsessive reading and indecision that plagued my early motherhood experience – especially around breastfeeding – that made me so crazy when my kids were infants. There is no end to the articles on whether it’s better to breast or bottle feed – pump or give formula – if you enter a certain search term, but reading them will never give you peace of mind until you find it in yourself. I honestly never recognized how anxiety inducing it all was for me until it was over and I had some distance from it. Hopefully I can use what I learned there to help guide me in this new age of uncertain and currently incomplete data driving public health policy.

I also need to tackle the clutter in my house. There has been so much change as we moved downstairs and I haven’t been great about the stuff that has been displaced or moved around as we shifted living spaces. The state of the house, and the garage, is definitely causing stress, and if I deal with it I will feel better. (I know this isn’t true for all people but it is for me.) Last week I painted a room in our house and that room looks amazing. Now I need to tackle the other living spaces, and schedule a bulky item pick up so we can get some stuff out of the house (the shed is already overflowing with items I want to eventually donate).

Finally, I want to start meditating again. I think that will definitely help and I have access to two apps (Balance and Calm) so there is no excuse not to do it at least five minutes a day.

Hopefully if I focus on a few important changes, I will feel better. Just having a plan eases the anxiety a little bit. Any respite from this horrible feeling would be a respite.