Auto-renewal

It’s that time of year again (or time of every-three-years) when I have to cough up $$$ to keep this space running. Usually I wax philosophical for a couple of entries about what this space means to me and whether or not I should keep paying for it. But I’m way too in the weeds with the rest of my life right now to even consider letting go of this space, so it will auto renew for now. Maybe in another three years I will have the time and mental bandwidth to consider stepping away.

I’m kind of relieved I don’t have it in me to think about it too much right now. And I’m grateful that my financial situation makes paying for it a reasonable expense right now. I know that for so many people that would no longer be the case.

Everything feels untenable right now, but I can keep this space. I will consider that a small win.

My kids got up way too early today and I have a lot of work to do this weekend to be ready for next week. I guess I should get at it.

Still standing

It’s been a helluva week. The kids started distance learning, and it’s going okay. They aren’t getting nearly the amount of instructional time the state has mandated, but we’re giving it a couple more weeks before we ask the teachers when we can expect more.

My husband has been off of work and doing an amazing job with the kids. He has created a schedule that really works for them. They seem happy and fulfilled when I come up. Everything is running incredibly smoothly without me.

I’ve been super busy this week. Monday and Tuesday were packed full of meetings and work. Wednesday was my first day teaching. I only had some orientation groups to lead because the elective class lists aren’t ready yet, so the teaching piece wasn’t that hard. I’ve also been tasked with creating the curriculum for our orientation and advisory time, which has been very time consuming. My colleagues are very appreciative of the work I’m doing, and I have to teach these “classes” myself so it’s nice to be doing work that benefits myself and others. But it’s a lot of time and I’m not getting much done for next week when I really start teaching.

I have to admit, it’s been a bit of a shit show at my district. We lost administrators and tech staff and it shows. Families were supposed to get schedules on Friday morning – they were finally emailed Tuesday afternoon. The elective classes didn’t even get populated. I spent four hours putting together my own class lists last week (overlaying two different survey results to separate the students who really wants to take Spanish and the students who are taking it this year because most of the other electives aren’t being offered). No one else did that for the other classes and they just aren’t done. We may not even start on Monday.

So many kids want to take Spanish that I’ll probably be teaching an extra class and working 120% of full time this year.

My district is small and understaffed, but we’re usually on top of our shit. To see how difficult it’s been for them to put this schedule together, and to make everything happen, has been sobering. Our schedule had to be workable in distance learning and if we go back to some kind of hybrid model, and that was really hard to put together. We have a lot of staffing gaps due to budget shortages. The whole thing is a mess and we are struggling to start successfully.

I will say, my colleagues are good people and they are doing good work, but man, this stuff is hard. This year is going to be a big challenge.

Having my husband cover this week has been great, but it’s also been eye opening for him. He’s realizing just how difficult this year is going to be, and he’s panicked. I’ve been panicked about how hard this year will be all summer, and it’s hard to engage him on his newfound realization of the shit show we’re heading into. We did have a good talk about it last night, and I think we’ll eventually find a system that works. But it’s going to be really, really hard.

Oh, and fires are raging everywhere and our air quality is so bad we can’t go outside or open our windows. It’s truly Armageddon.

So that is where I’ve been this week.

Has anyone else started distance learning? How is it going?

Puncturing the grief bubble

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. I found them to be very enlightening. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels that it’s important to finish what we start, but also struggles to know when continuing is more harmful than good. Teaching kids body awareness and autonomy is also so important. Lots of good points that I will be pondering on as I move forward.

Today is my kids’ first day of school. I have had almost no feelings about them starting via distance learning. Truly I felt numb, which I guess is a feeling in and of itself. Mostly I just didn’t think about it much. I wasn’t especially nervous or upset or grateful… I wasn’t anything.

But then this morning we helped them get onto their zoom calls and seeing them there, sitting in front of a screen with their teacher’s face, just made me so sad. This wave of grief washed over me and I could hardly breathe.

Mel wrote not long ago about a seemingly small covid-related loss that hit her especially hard, and I responded in the comments that I think we are learning to manage so many tiny losses every day without grieving them, that every once in a while something hits us just so and punctures the bubble of grief, and we feel inordinately sad about what might seem like just another small thing. And maybe it is a small sadness, but enough small griefs eventually become a big hurt.

Today I cried hot tears all over my husband’s shoulder. I talked about how sad I was and he talked about how mad he is, and we both sat there, upset.

Then I wiped my nose and got to work, thankful to have released another bubble of grief. There will be a lot more small losses and lost more grief bubbles punctured, but for right now I’m okay.

We finish what we started

Today is my daughter’s last day of camp. This camp was only supposed to be two weeks but it had to be three weeks because of a mandate from the city. When we learned that, we paid for the extra week and kept her in.

It is a sailing camp and it requires a lot, both physically and psychologically. We are not a family that sails, or does much of anything on the water, so she is learning everything there. She went to this camp for one week last summer, but that is the extent of her sailing experience.

It’s been a long three weeks. She is tired and ready to be done. This week especially has been hard. She doesn’t want to go most mornings, those she’s always happy, if not exhausted, when she gets back.

Yesterday was one of the first really warm days of the summer (at least for us up in San Francisco). Today is supposed to be even warmer. I was excited for them that they got warm days on the final two days of camp.

This morning one of the other girl’s mom texted to say she wasn’t going. She was tired from all the sun the day before and was going to sit the last day out. I have to admit, I was pretty shocked. Who doesn’t go to the last day of a three week camp? Don’t you want to say goodbye? It’s especially strange to me when we will all be stuck at home for the next nine months wishing desperately we had something like this to do.

I made the mistake of telling my daughter her friend wasn’t going while we were getting ready. She was very upset. It was a difficult morning. She kept asking why her friend wasn’t coming and I didn’t know how to respond. I said she was tired and got a lot of sun and didn’t feel that great. My daughter said that was true for her too. And I’m sure it was. But I don’t let my daughter miss stuff because she’s tired. And I always make my kids finish what they started.

It seems that very few of my kids’ friends families make them finish what they started. They quit activities because they don’t want to keep doing them. They don’t go to school because they “just need a break.” I am definitely one of the few moms I know who force my kids to do stuff when they don’t want to. Yes, they stay home when they are sick, but otherwise, they show up.

But I wonder sometimes if I’m doing that wrong. I was never allowed to miss school. I literally didn’t miss a day for SEVEN YEARS. I had mumps during that time but I still went to school (to be fair, I don’t get fevers often and no one knew it was mumps for a while because we get vaccinated against them and they aren’t very common anymore – by the time they diagnosed it I was pretty much better). My mom grew up in a family of 12; her mom died when she was seven, and her dad was an abusive alcoholic, so she was probably not well cared for when she sick. I understand that she was doing the best she knew how when I was growing up. But I don’t think she always made the right choices around allowing me stay home when I was sick. And I worry that the mindset of “we show up unless we’re very ill” is ingrained in me more than I realize.

I do think my work ethic plays a part in my successes. I always show up and I follow through on my commitments, to myself and others (well, always to others and mostly to myself). I think it’s important to teach my kids to show up when they said they would do something, or when there is an expectation they will participate (like for a class presentation at the triennial cultural nights). I think it’s important to show them they can push through a little discomfort or boredom to do something they aren’t that excited to do. But it seems like I’m alone in pushing this stuff a lot of the time and I wonder if I’m being too stubborn. I wonder if I am less capable of recognizing legitimate reasons to sit something out.

I reached out to my friend about her why her daughter didn’t come. I guess she gets overheated easily and had a hard time sleeping last night because she was dehydrated. It sounded like a perfectly reasonable reason to stay home from camp, even on the last day, and especially if you knew it was supposed to be even hotter. But I knew as I read her texts that I probably would have made my daughter go in a similar situation. I would have sent her with extra water and told her to get through the day.

Which answer is the right one? Or is the range of acceptability bigger than I realize?

What are your thoughts on finishing what you’ve started and/or not doing something because you just need a break? I’d love to get some guidance on this from people with different backgrounds and attitudes. I really feel like I can’t trust myself on this stuff at all.

Actively Suppressing Panic Mode

I have a much better idea of my schedule this school year and it’s… not great.

It’s going to be really hard to work this out. I have a 1st grader who will need a lot of support to participate in distance learning. I have a 5th grader with ADHD that will need a lot of check-ins, reminders, and redirections. They will get, MAX, two hours of live instruction a day, but it could be less than that if teachers work with small groups or one-on-one.

Meanwhile I have to deliver 4.5 hours of instruction a day – 1.5 hours in the mornings and three hours in the afternoons.

I know we’ll make it work. We’ll have to. But right now I can’t quite fathom how. I don’t think I can participate in the set up my friends are putting together because I have less flexibility than I thought I would. They say we can make it work, but I’m not so sure. We still don’t have ONE SINGLE DETAIL from our school about what our kids’ days might look like so we can’t try to plan anything yet. It’s exhausting and frustrating to be stuck in this limbo, especially when their first day is Monday, the 17th.

My first day is Wednesday, the 19th.

Right now I am in actively suppressing panic mode. I just keep telling myself IT WILL BE OKAY, in a very firm voice, like maybe if I can muster up enough false authority I’ll get myself to believe it.

I’ve noticed that the little throw away line, “possibly for the entire school year” in articles about distance learning, is morphing into “probably for the entire school year.” That’s how they get us conditioned so we don’t lose our minds when we realize it’s happening. It’s little throw away lines that build a foundation so that the unfathomable will become something we can wrap our heads around.

I think higher ups know we aren’t going back this year. That is the vague, quiet messaging in my district anyway. They are saying it a little louder at my kids’ district, at least as far as my kids are concerned (they will bring back urgent learners first, if at all, and my kids are not urgent learners).

I try not to think about the fact that whatever we figure out will have to do for the entirety of the school year. I try just to focus on the first six weeks. But I’m tired and kind of terrified and even six weeks feels like too long.

Precipice

School starts next week and I feel like I’m standing at a precipice. I’m working frantically to put up some guardrails but I don’t have the resources I need and the terrain is rocky and provides an unstable foundation. I know that whatever safe guards I put in place will be flimsy and bound to fail.

But I keep working at it, because what else can I do? A flimsy guardrail is better than none at all, right?

Or maybe not. Maybe it’s just something I need to see, even if it’s so ineffective as to serve no real purpose.

The danger is that it brings a false sense of security and eventually I forget how flimsy it is and when I lean on it, it collapses and I fall into the abyss.

Maybe, for this particular challenge, the fear of facing the precipice with no guardrail is what will keep me away from the ledge.

I try to plan to make this easier. To give myself some confidence that I can get through this. But deep down I know it’s going to come down to waking up every day and just making it work. There is no amount of planning or creative thinking that can keep us safely away from the precipice.

And that terrifies me more than the precipice itself.

And… scene

Well, I got through the week. It turned out my son’s dentist appointment is actually next Wednesday, and I accidentally turned off the recording of the professional development presentation I was most definitely supposed to record and upload, but for the most part it went okay.

I am so, so, so, so happy to have those two presentations behind me. I’m glad I did them, and I’m even more glad that they are over. They challenged me and got my out of my comfort zone, and also helped me get to know other educators in my district (I know almost no one at the elementary level). And of course, I will get $$$ for them (we’re even getting paid for our prep time, which frankly is shocking). They also stressed me out and made me really nervous and possibly caused some painful neck issues that I’m currently managing.

But I worked out early this morning so I could shower before my presentation (and so I would have the second part of my “no kid” window to use as I saw fit) and now I have another precious hour before I pick up my son.

I’ve talked to my principal about next year and while I still don’t know enough to do anything useful, I can start rolling ideas around in my head. We officially start next staff days Thursday, and I will get paid for up to 12 hours of PD that I do myself before then (I am very impressed with this offering and am pleasantly surprised that they tapped staff to do the extra training they are offering themselves. I’m also impressed they are letting me do the stuff I was already doing so I’ll get paid for Spanish-specific professional development! Woot!) I’m eager to get to next Thursday so we can start having real conversations about how things are going to look moving forward.

I’m very relieved that it’s Friday and am very much looking forward to having a drink tonight.

Happy weekend everyone!

In it

Well, I’m officially in it. And I have less than five hours of kid-free time each day since my son’s martial arts camp is really short.

Today I filmed a ten minute video for my first assignment, which I’ll be pushing virtually. Somehow it took over an hour to film that video, which was exceedingly frustrating, especially since I didn’t even love the final product.

In ten minutes I’ll be taking my Wednesday exercise class, then attending two staff meetings, one of which I have to listen to while I’m picking up my son. Then it’s vision therapy with him before I pick the girls up from sailing camp and finally a dentist appointment for my son at 5pm.

Tomorrow I’m doing one of my professional development sessions and Friday and I’m doing the other one. I also have to finish up this first asynchronous lesson which requires a lot more video making. Boo.

Next week I have to get some asynchronous professional development done before Wednesday, when the meetings start in earnest.

I’m really nervous right now because I don’t know how many kids will sign up for Spanish this year, especially since they aren’t being allowed two electives (a lot of kids choose Spanish only after another elective like Band). If I don’t get many kids, the whole program could be in jeopardy. Teaching an elective at a middle school is always uncertain, but right now it feels especially precarious.

Once I understand what my numbers look like, and the schedule they will be using, I can really start planning for the new school year.

Wish me luck

On podding

There has been some press lately on academic pods – families pooling their resources to provide support or instruction during the pandemic. Some of these families are looking for someone to support students with the distance learning provided by their school district (and maybe supplement it in some areas), while others are looking for a credentialed teacher to basically teach their kids in a small, private school-like setting (this is also being referred to as microschooling)*. Services are springing up all over the country (and especially in the Bay Area) to help connect interested parents with prospective educators.

I have to say, I understand the popularity of academic pods. I actually proposed a pod-like scenario to my friends a couple of weeks before all the articles came out. I guess we were already kind of podding this summer, when I took the kids every day and provided supervision at a park, or activities in my backyard. If we’ve been getting them together in a safe way all summer, why not keep doing it during the school year?

The idea, originally, was to pool our financial resources to hire someone to help the kids complete their distance learning work, possibly supplementing the work in some way (we never got past the world “supplement” in our discussions so I can’t really articulate what that meant for us). Mostly we hoped this would allow us parents to get our own work done during the day, and to minimize the power struggles that erupt when we try to support our own tweens children during distance learning.

It turns out that even if we pool our resources, hiring someone would be really expensive. Everything in the Bay Area is really expensive, so I’m not surprised. It’s also really hard to find someone who is willing, and able, to do it.

Of course, “it costs too much” is an easy cop out, when really the whole enterprise is incredibly daunting to consider once one moves past the “Wouldn’t it be great to have someone around to make this easier!?” to the realities of “Who do we find? What are we actually going to ask them to do? Where will they do it? How will we determine all of these things when there are four of us and we have different ideas? How much is each person willing to pay? How much control over the situation does each person expect for their contribution? What kind of liability is involved in this scenario and who will shoulder that burden? Who will write up the contract and manage payments?” We are four friends who are very easy going, and have lower expectations than most, and even we realized pretty quickly that it’s actually incredibly complicated to put something like this together.

It’s even harder when you don’t have a group of families you know who want to create a pod with you. Podding with families to support my 1st grader would be way more helpful, but I don’t really have anyone to do that with. All his preschool friends are at a different school, and while I’ve reached out indicating that I’m interested in participating in some kind of pod, no one has gotten back to me. It’s clear that bringing in someone from another school, with different logistics, is not a snag anyone wants to introduce into an already complicated scenario. I’m also guessing I’m not willing (or possibly even able) to throw the kind of money at this that the other families can manage, so I haven’t really followed up.

At this point, we’re not sure what we’re going to do. I’m considering hosting something myself, in my backyard, and having my friends pay me to provide the supervision piece. I’m not sure if that is manageable yet, as I don’t really understand what will be required of me during actual school hours while we are distance learning. If it’s set up like the spring (and it might be for me, as an elective teacher), I could probably host the girls in my backyard and help them participate in their distance learning. But at this point I just don’t know.

Of course, when my district goes back to the classroom (and we will definitely do this before my kids’ district), any possibility of me doing this goes out the window.

We also might switch off days, with each mom taking off a morning to be with the girls in their own backyard. We each have backyards that are big enough, and the weather here should be nice until at least November. I could probably keep doing this even if we return to the classroom for a hybrid model because I would get one day at home to prep.

My son’s situation is also a wild card, and I think part of me hopes that if I were getting some supplemental income from my friends, maybe I could pay a high school student to help him at some point during the day (our neighbor would be ideal for this because he is amazing and speaks Spanish and would be generally awesome to have around). There is also one family nearby (my son’s best friend) that I’m hoping to engage in some way – I would be willing to provide some kind of supplemental services to them for free if it meant my son got to hang out with his friend on a regular basis, because really all my son needs is some socialization.

I definitely want to do some supplemental work with my daughter and her friends. I’ve already brought home a few novel sets so we can do reader’s workshop and my mom has agreed to do some writing units with them (my friends would pay her of course). Obviously, being a teacher makes all of this WAY EASIER for me than it would be for other people (the supplemental part is especially hard because knowledge of the standards AND resources are necessary).** The good news is I can do the supplemental part no matter what – it could happen in the afternoons a couple of times a week, and I know my friends are very interested in this piece so it will probably happen.

Right now there are a lot of unknowns. I’ve told my friends that I am interested in providing something, but that I can’t commit to anything until I know more about my own schedule. I also have to talk to my husband, who generally prefers the simpler option over all others. The fact that being with her friends will make distance learning a happier and more fulfilling experience for our daughter is the only reason he would even consider all this complication. (Whereas I am also eager to help out my friends – two of them are single moms and this has been really hard on them.)

There is still a lot to figure out, and even if we did try something, I would only commit to the six weeks that I know my district will be in distance learning. I think switching off is probably the ideal scenario, but it might not work for everyone. And if I did offer the service, I would be very explicit about what would, and would not, be providing. It will be a lot of extra work, but if it means my daughter (and her friends, who I enjoy and care about very much) have a more positive experience, and I make some supplemental income, it might be worth the late nights I would be guaranteeing for myself.

All that to say, I’m thinking about podding, but only in ways that are relatively easy for me, and that are possible only because I am a teacher and I have friends who are interested in the same set up as I am. I don’t think I could handle the expense or complication of pooling resources to hire someone else, especially not with people I don’t know well. Mostly I want my kids to have some time with their peers, and maybe a little supplementation (more for my 5th grader than my 1st grader). And that is where I’m at. (And yes, I know that when upper-middle class families like my own do this we exacerbate the widening achievement gap – I will definitely be reaching out to both my kids’ teachers to see if they have any ideas for how we can support the students in their classes that need it).

*Neither of these options – not pods nor microschools – should be called homeschooling – which is a word being used to describe all kinds of situations that are not homeschooling at all. Parents helping their children complete work provided by their school are not homeschooling. Parents paying a teacher to provide a complete educational experience are not homeschooling. Homeschooling existed before the pandemic and will exist after the pandemic and the word, evidently, will be used erroneously during the pandemic.

**I’ve seen a lot of talk about hiring substitute teachers to run pods or microschools and to provide supplemental learning experiences, but I do not believe someone who is cleared as a substitute is necessarily capable of this. In California you only need to pass a finger print screening and a 10th-grade equivalency test to become a substitute – you don’t need to know ANYTHING about what should be taught at each grade level, or how best to teach it. That said, some people are substituting as they earn their teaching credential and have completed some of their coursework. And obviously substitutes that are retired teachers are very qualified. I would urge families to be careful and not to assume that substitute = teacher, because that is not necessarily the case.

What are your thoughts on academic podding? Have you considered it?

Before I Knew It

And before I knew it, the summer was over.

Next week I start work, for real. Well, for semi-real. It’s all professional development, but I’m also presenting two of the sessions (one on Thursday and one on Friday), so it’s more real than it would be otherwise.

It’s earlier than normal. My district received some federal aid and they are using it to offer us professional development and PAY US to take it. They are also tapping the knowledge of their own staff, instead of paying $$$ to have an outside entity come in with a ton of bells and whistles and not much actual substance. I am quite pleased by all of these developments.

{They are paying us presenters for our services, but it’s a much better use of money to pay us than to pay an company or key-note speaker.}

So yeah, it all starts on Tuesday – except for me it’s really Monday because I’m taking a free training on Google Suite for educators. We use google classroom and while I feel very confident in my knowledge of their apps, and how to best utilize them in my classes, I also know that just one little tip, or one new way to implement something familiar can deliver massive gains. Or just make things a little less boring.

I am eager to get started for real; I’ve been spinning my wheels on a lot of planning aspects of next year because I just have no idea what it will look like. I don’t know how much I will be expected (or allowed) to push out synchronously, or how many students I’ll have from either middle school in my two levels, or if I’m teaching the 6th grade and if so how much, or if they’ll be asking me to teach anything else. The last time I spoke with my principal she said I would probably only be teaching Spanish but that was weeks ago, and as we all know, a lot can change in three weeks, especially during this pandemic.

2020-21 school year, here I come…