Not a Wasted Word

The bright spot of our summer that got snuffed out earlier this month was the only bright spot I had planned. I put all my eggs in that basket and then that basket got thrown against a wall, so while friends have gone camping or spent weekends on the river, we’ve done nothing but stay home.

Until this week.

On Wednesday we went to Safari West in the north bay and spent three hours seeing giraffes and zebras up close and personal, without even a fence between us.

We got dinner outside at a restaurant in Calistoga before setting up camp in a yurt in Bothe-Napa State Park. We made a fire and roasted marshmallows and ate s’mores. We slept (well, most of us did), woke up, packed up the yurt, ate breakfast, and went on a three mile hike.

We got In-n-Out for lunch, then went to a Steelhead Beach on the Russian River for a little swim. We were home by dinner time on Thursday.

They were some big, busy days, filled with a lot of fun, and also a fair amount of grumbling and frustration. I didn’t sleep great and I was entirely over my kids griping before I tucked them into their sleeping bags.

I’m glad we did it because my kids had a great time, and made some amazing memories. I’m glad I did it because it scratched an itch I’ve had all summer to just do something already. So we did something and now that itch has been scratched and I can move on to getting ready for the new school year.

Today my son has his last day of rec and park camp and next week both kids will be at camps and I will start preparing for the new school year for real. I’ve spent the last two weeks trying to get work done but spending more time dealing with my daughter and her friends (and other shit) than I wanted. Next week starts three weeks of serious work time. If I use it wisely the start of the school year will be a lot easier.

I’m glad I scratched that itch. Hopefully now I can get focused.

Yesterday was July 19th. My first day with students is August 19th. I’m officially one month away from the start of the school year.

On Friday Governor Newsom announced that schools cannot invite students back to classroom until their county has been off the state’s “watchlist” for 14 days (being placed on the watchlist involves a number of metrics such as percentage of positive tests and how that number is trending, number of hospital beds available, etc). San Mateo County, where my district resides, is currently the only county in the Bay Area that is NOT on the watchlist, though the SF Chronicle reported that it will probably be added early this coming week.

Late Friday evening our superintendent sent out an email to staff and families explaining the new state mandate and promising that our district will start with in-person learning if at all possible.

If they maintain that stance, we will spend the next month preparing for both a return to in-person learning and distance learning, ensuring we will fail to launch the school year successfully in either scenario.

Our union will also probably be in a stressful struggle with our superintendent and board, as we request a return to distance learning while they ensure we can return safely in person (despite not being able to promise that in any way shape or form).

I sent an email on to both asking them to please relieve us, both staff and families, of this unnecessary burden of uncertainty. Spending the next month watching the numbers and our status on the watchlist will make it impossible for anyone to plan effectively for the start of the school year. Our district has a long track record of ignoring staff concerns, so hopefully parents will start communicating their desire for a clear course of action soon too, otherwise it probably won’t happen.

Of course, my district is also currently requiring that teachers return to their classrooms in the fall, even if we are teaching entirely online, despite the governors recommendation that all work that can be done remotely take place at home.

I know there is a still a month left until we start, and there is still hope that my district will announce we are at least starting the school year with distance learning regardless of our status on the watchlist, AND that we will be allowed to work from home if we are using distance learning. The fact that we have to wait for either decision is already a mark against them in my book.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I have to admit, I was dreading the day, but it ended up being quite nice.

That was primarily because my cousin set up a tribute.com compilation that all my cousins and aunt and uncles recorded videos for. My parents also did one (and my mom did one for my grandmother by reading a letter from her to me that she found at her house), and my in-laws and my friends. It was so moving to see all my friends wishing me happy birthday, reflecting on favorite memories and saying nice things about me. My husband had it all queued up when I came upstairs, and it was the most amazing way to start the day. It totally turned my attitude around.

Other things I did on my birthday:

Watched The Little Mermaid with my daughter. She had been wanting to watch it again and it’s one of my favorites so I happily obliged. She also let me sing along to all the songs, just because it was my birthday.

Went for a run, and my daughter and her friend did their own walk in the park. We’ve been using a set of walkie-talkies my parents got us at parks so the girls can have some independence and it works out nicely when I want to run.

Listened to part of Governor Newsom’s press conference.

Participated in a two hour union meeting.

Got my period.

Did some work.

Got ice cream cookie sandwiches from Coldstone (I wanted to get a tray of their cupcakes – a bit of a ritual on my birthday at this point – but evidently they don’t make them anymore (or you have to order them ahead of time? I was confused)). The ice cream cookie sandwiches were plenty yummy so I was fine.

Picked up my favorite dish – thrice cooked bacon with rice cakes from Mission Chinese.

Talked to, and texted with, a ton of friends who reached out on my birthday.

Watched Memento with my husband, which I had been wanting to watch again for a long time.

Enjoyed some yummy cocktails that my husband mixed us.

Ordered some stuff online (my son’s camp, which was a big, unexpected expense, pushed me to my spending limit much earlier in the month than expected so I had been waiting until my credit card rolled over to the next billing period to use it again).

All in all it was a very nice day, and I was pleasantly surprised. Now we get ready for my husband’s birthday next week…

It took me 20 years to realize that, starting in 2000, I could add the first two digits of the year, and the second two digits of the year, to remember out how old I was.

I wonder if everyone else born in 1980 figured that out a lot sooner than I did.

Regardless, today I am officially 40. So, yay?

So far the only thing that feels different is how aware I am of my (sudden onset?! – I swear this just happened) farsightedness. Ever since I started wearing my glasses again (I got a new pair recently), I’m increasingly frustrated that I can’t see my phone well at the distance I’m used to holding it. I am constantly pushing it back about a foot farther than feels normal so I can read it. I guess it’s time to get reading glasses. Boo.

{I recently enlarged the font on my phone and holy smokes is it amazing. Sure it looks like an old lady’s phone but at least I can read it!}

Otherwise, turning 40 is like any other birthday, except of course that there is a pandemic and I can’t do anything to celebrate. The only things on the docket today are listening to governor Newsom’s press conference before attending a union meeting about going back to the classroom in the fall.

I’m sure I’ll eat a cupcake (and have a drink) at some point too.

SFUSD just announced their recommended “return to school” plan to the board and it will be distance learning for at least the first two months.

My school district is still planning to return to the classroom in the fall, despite the fact that community spread is worse, and the death rate is higher, in San Mateo County, than in San Francisco (which is weirdly a city AND county).

This means I am eligible to take Families First Coronavirus Relief Act leave up to 12 weeks at 2/3rd my pay.

So why in the world wouldn’t I do that?

Well, as is always the case with taking leave from one’s job, it’s complicated.

I am very reticent to take off entirely for any length of time, so I highly doubt I will do that. If I’m not working, my students will not be getting Spanish at all (there is no way they will hire a sub) and if it’s find for students not to learn Spanish for a couple months, it should be fine indefinitely, right? As an elective teacher at the middle school level, I need to take into account the long term stability of my position. I’m tenured and have seniority, but I am not guaranteed my position (teaching Spanish at my school), only a position at my current FTE that can be taught with my credential (which is why I keep my multiple subject credential valid – so they can’t just get rid of Spanish and let me go because I can’t teach anything else). If I want to protect my position, I should definitely be teaching Spanish remotely.

That doesn’t mean I can’t request FFCRA leave at all. I believe I can request it for part time coverage of my job. If I use FFCRA leave to not work the four mornings a week we are currently required to be at school, that would be ideal.

It’s still a hard choice though. If I don’t come into work in the mornings, my school is down one teacher, and every teacher is incredibly important when you’re trying to keep the number of students in each group down. While I don’t appreciate that the parents, board, and superintendent, want us back in the classroom, it’s not my principal’s fault and she is ultimately the one who has to make it work at our site. I don’t like the idea of letting her down.

At the same time, I believe the ROI of middle school students getting just six hours of classroom time a week is not worth the risks we are taking to provide it. I understand taking risks to get elementary students into the classroom 12 hours a week (an A group would come every morning for three hours and a B group would come every afternoon for three hours, four times a week); that ROI makes sense to me. Bringing two separate groups of 350 middle schoolers on campus just two times a week (on an A/B schedule) for just six hours of non-content-specific instruction, does not seem like a smart use of human capital or resources. So in that sense, I don’t feel so bad about requesting the leave, because I don’t think what we’re accomplishing in the classroom – at the middle school level – is worth the risks and use of resources at all.

This may all be a mute point anyway, because evidently employers can reject requests to use FFCRA leave when it is requested for childcare. If my district CAN reject my request, it most certainly will. The have been rejecting requests for leave that are written into our own contract for years and they always have some reason they feel is legitimate (usually a lack of funding). I’m sure they can find a reason now, during a pandemic.

If I can request the part time leave, I will consult with my union and probably do it. If the district wants to refuse it they can, but I want them to be very aware that they are telling me: no, you cannot stay home and care for your children, you have to be here, risking your health and safety to appease the parents of this community.

I know things could still change, and with community spread in San Mateo County on the rise maybe they will. There are still five weeks until students in my district are supposed to return to the classroom, and if this pandemic has taught me anything it’s that A LOT can change in five weeks. I’m going to plan for going back to the classroom while my kids learn at home, because that is what I’m being told will happen. And honestly, even if I get to stay home, I will be required to teach a lot more via “live” zoom meetings, while pushing less asynchronous work, which means I’ll have way less flexibility to help my kids during their school hours than I did in the spring. I will need a lot more support to make this work in either scenario.

No matter where I’m teaching in the fall, it’s going to be really difficult. At least I can be sure of that…

It’s not easy asking a small group of 10-year-old girls to spend four hours, multiple days a week, in a desolate backyard with only a dilapidated picnic table to sit on. It’s been a challenge to find things for them to do.

Today, I brought out a bunch of cardboard and styrofoam that I had been saving from the packaging of various pieces of furniture that have been delivered in the past three months and let them have at it. They had tape, scissors, some air dry clay, and some washable paint, along with other random art supplies and it held their attention for a good two hours.

Unfortunately the wind that San Franciscans are so used to in the summer picked up again this week (after a fairly warm and windless five days last week), and it wreaked havoc on their supplies.

Still, it was a fun project while it lasted. Half the cardboard went out with the recycling last night and the other half was saved for another day in the backyard.

*The Future is Cardboard is the title of Episode 14 of Season 1 of Craig of the Creek – one of my favorite kids’ cartoons to come out in the last decade. So, so good.

We did nothing this weekend, and it was actually kind of nice.

With our weeks feeling busier, especially for my son who is kind of struggling to make it through seven hours of organized activities (drop off is by 9:15 and pick up isn’t until 4:30), we no longer push outside time on the weekend. My kids never even got dressed on Sunday.

It’s what they want so we’re giving it to them. They are only on screens an hour a day during the week so we don’t mind them playing Minecraft for two hours in the mornings and then watching a movie on Saturday night (or TV on Sunday).

It’s nice to feel like the weekends are a little different from the weekdays. It’s nice to have nothing planned, and since I’m doing so much Monday through Friday, sitting around all day doesn’t fill me with dread like it used to.

Here were a few things that did happen this weekend:

• My son had his first remote vision therapy appointment.
• I wrestled with my kids on our big king size bed (and it was actually really fun).
• We played MarioKart together.
• I built my son’s new big kid desk.
• My husband took a bunch of work calls.
• I worked out on the elliptical while participating in a professional development webinar.
• My husband and I watched Palm Springs on Hulu (which I HIGHLY recommend, especially during the pandemic).
• I played EVERY one of the ::cough:: 45 games on PEAK, a brain games an app I just download that I LOVE and that I’m hoping will keep me away from my NYT and WaPo apps for the foreseeable future.
• My husband did a ton of NYT crossword puzzles on his phone.
• I did a bunch of laundry.
• My husband did a bunch of dishes.
• I realized my new glasses aren’t quite right (I think one of the lenses is slightly tilted which makes everything slightly blurry – ESPECIALLY when I watch TV) and made an appointment to take them in.
• I made pretzels and cherry lime rickeys and we watched A Bug’s Life (one of my favorite, and a highly underrated – in my opinion – Pixar film).
• We all put together Pokemon card decks and played each other (we actually know how to play now and it’s actually really engaging and fun).
• I read more of my book.
• My kids played a lot of Minecraft.
• I helped my daughter Marie Kondo her books.
• I wrote a couple of blog posts.

All in all it was a pretty enjoyable weekend, and I attribute that to my son being in a camp all week, which made Saturday and Sunday actually feel different.

How did you pass the last two days?

I recognize that the severe case of the “mehs” that I have right now is due, primarily, to a lack of anticipatory joy. With nothing to look forward to, it’s hard to trudge through the days.

{The dread I feel about the future – especially the fall – is definitely exacerbating the negative effects of a lack of anticipatory joy.}

I was thinking about how useful anticipatory joy is as we were watching Hamilton last weekend. We has been waiting for it for months. It was one of only two things we were looking forward to and we took great pleasure in counting down the days as we listened to the soundtrack around the house and in the car. When the “bright spot” got cancelled it, looking forward to Hamilton helped us getting over our crushing disappointment.

Actually watching it didn’t end up being all we had hoped though. My daughter didn’t make it through five songs before she went into her room to read comics. My son made it through most of it, but he was playing with other stuff for the second half.

They both really liked it (my daughter came back in when her favorite songs were on), but I doubt we’ll watch it again. I wasn’t surprised, or disappointed, by how it went down. I knew the anticipatory joy was going to be the greater reward – and ultimately it was. Looking forward to Hamilton served its purpose, even if the actual experience wasn’t what we anticipated.

I think I rely on anticipatory joy to get through my days, and my life in general, more than I realized. Clearly I need to practice being in the present, appreciating the current moment and planning for the future without judgement or fear of the unknown. Maintaining a strong Zen Buddhism practice would have done wonders for me during this uncertain time. Maybe now is the time to look to those resources (I still have a few of the most useful) in an attempt to lessen my dependence on anticipatory joy to get through the days.

Today SHU wrote about how she is tired of doing the same thing every day, of checking off the same boxes (literally, for her, because she is a big into paper planners), and I have to say, I feel her.

Every day feels the same. Every day is Blursday.

A lot of people I know are at least getting away to a family house by the river, or to the beach for a weekend, or even a week. Even two or three nights somewhere else would be so welcome. Just being able to leave our house, and do something, would be so welcome.

It’s been four months of pretty much the same thing. And yes, our “same thing” is pretty nice since we both have jobs but neither of us have to leave the house to do them. Our kids are old enough that they don’t need constant supervision; right now my son is in camp and my daughter sees friends almost every week day. This is a dream situation, considering…

We have a really good situation, and yet I’m still… struggling to get up every morning. We’d normally still be in St. Louis. I don’t know when I’ll get to see my extended family again.

Next week is my 40th birthday. I was thinking about at least having a couple of friends over in my backyard (I hosted a similar get-together for a friend’s birthday a couple of weeks ago), but my closest friend is away that weekend so it doesn’t feel worth it. I don’t usually do much for my birthday, but I was planning something this year since it’s the big 4-0, and I’m sad it will pass just like any other day.

I know I’m just throwing myself a little pity party. I have a lot to be thankful for, like my son being in camp, and my daughter having friends who can come over and pass the days with her in our backyard or at a park. I have beautiful spots to run outside where there aren’t very many other people I need to worry about passing (and it’s cool enough hear that running is still very pleasant).

We have our downstairs space and I LOVE IT and it makes me happy. The upstairs now feels so big and spacious – I’ve never loved this house more.

Our backyard no longer sends me into a panic at a mere glance. Instead we’re using it almost every day. It’s a really generous outside space and we did a lot of work months ago so we could take advantage of it, and now we actually are! The weather has even been warm and not too windy and I was able to set the girls out there with art projects last week instead of taking them to the park (and yes I recognize how lucky we are that it’s not hot and humid here all summer!).

I’ve joined a Curriculum Club for the way I teach Spanish and I’m spending 3-4 hours a day working on plans for next year. I love creating curriculum and I appreciate having colleagues I can work with to plan for a year of distance learning.

And in two weeks BOTH my kids will be at camp, which will give me the time I need to really get everything ready.

So honestly, things are really good, and yet I’m struggling. My marriage isn’t in great shape – my husband and I see each other more than ever but he feels so distant – and that probably isn’t helping. Everything requires more energy and neither of us have any by the end of the day. I feel like I’m always the one who initiates repairs in our relationship, and I’m resentful it’s on me, yet again, to do that.

Actually, writing this made me feel a little better. We watched A Bug’s Life tonight (one of my favorite (and in my opinion totally underated) Pixar films, and I’ll be fixing myself a drink soon (only drinking on the weekends does make it more special and different that the rest of the week, which I appreciate). Hopefully we’ll just watch Lodge 49 tonight instead of spending 30 minutes scrolling through 180 minute long movies on the Criterion channel (choosing what to watch is a constant source of stress for us and it’s wearing these days). Tomorrow is Sunday which means I have to fight less with my kids, which is something.

Yeah, I think it’s time to fix myself that drink… lately I’ve been enjoying tequila in limeade.

What are you drinking this weekend?

I am so tired of the should-schools-reopen debate. It’s a cyclical mindf*** that goes nowhere and I’m not going to engage this weekend. Maybe for a while.

The reality is we have no idea where we’ll be in a month, but we can make educated guesses and even in San Francisco, which has been slower to reopen than most places, we probably won’t be able to open at the start of the school year no matter what the plan is (we can’t open until we’ve had two weeks of falling case numbers and currently they are rising). At this point plans are pretty much useless, so I’m not going to stress about them.

I am going to think about possible solutions to probable problems, and I’m going to keep working on distance learning curriculum, because I know for sure that Spanish will be taught online next year (though I’m not sure I’ll actually be teaching it…)

Meanwhile, I’m relieved it’s Friday. While the days have been less stressful, and more productive, it’s clear that camp has been a big adjustment for my son and he is ready for a break from the long, active days. I’m ready for a break from hosting my daughter’s friends in the backyard (it’s ultimately less work for me than having her upstairs with me, but it’s still work).

On a happy note, my glasses finally came in today and it’s SO NICE to see clearly. Man oh man I have been struggling. I could get by without my glasses for months (I lost mine early in SIP and I couldn’t order a new pair because my Rx was too old), but it wasn’t pleasant. I’m so thrilled to have a new pair.

I hope you all have a restful weekend. Stay safe.