Next Year

I’m thinking a lot about the next school year because… I love dwelling anywhere but the present!

There is a lot to think about. Some things changing, some staying the same. Here is what is swirling around my head, in no specific order:

– Daughter is staying at her current school, though we may put in for a transfer during the lottery (if some significant changes aren’t made).

– Son will be at a TK near daughter’s school, though I haven’t gotten the final confirmation we secured a spot in aftercare yet.

– Due to a 5 minute change in my first school’s start time, I can no longer have 1st period prep next year. We still haven’t determined how we’re going to structure drop off, but this adds a significant amount of stress to the equation (we can make it work but it will be harder for all involved).

– I will have my classroom back! (Woot!)

– I will still be traveling to the other campus. (Boo.) This is their plan in perpetuity, not a short term fix.

– I don’t yet know what my final class will be. I dislike this uncertainty and it probably won’t be resolved for a while.

– I am staying on as PTA President. We have a strong board and the only woman who is terming out is the one who basically stopped participating earlier this year. I believe things will be easier next year because we already know what we are doing and I want to continue the progress we have been making. I also want to be involved with the creation of the Beacon at the school next year (a significant amount of money will be coming in to create community support programs at the school).

– My in-laws will most likely (the refuse to confirm this but I would bet my savings on its certainty) be living in Texas to provide child care to my SIL. This no longer stresses me out much because we’ve survive a really stressful year without them, and I know we can do it again. Also…

– My mom will finally be retired! Woot!

So yeah. Lots to think about. Only 7 more weeks until summer break. And them all of the above.

Standing Still

It’s spring, which means teaching positions for the next school year are opening up, and people are announcing they got those positions, and will be leaving.

At this time last year I was interviewing for a few jobs that I was not offered. It was a difficult time. I had big plans for how I was going to work hard this past school year to be ready to interview again this spring. I had actionable items in every category: improving my Spanish, compiling a portfolio of my work, networking at a series of language educator trainings.

I’m sure you can guess what I’m going to do next. I accomplished absolutely NONE of those things. I am no better off than I was a year ago, at least not in the “eligible for a new job” arena.

To be fair, I did attempt a couple of those action items. I bought books to prepare for the foreign language tests, and started working through them with my tutor in Guatemala (via Skype). But I realized very quickly that I had farther to go than I anticipated, so I gave up on the idea of taking the test this year. I’ll need more than just test preparation to score high on a fluency test – I need to spend a long period of time in a Spanish speaking country before I’m ready. Yes my time of extensive study in Ecuador helped, but I need to live abroad to get my speaking skills where they need to be.

I also tried to sign up for the trainings, but not until two of them were over, and without realizing it was a package of 5 trainings throughout the year. I thought they were five separate sessions, but I was wrong and I learned that too late. I am now on the mailing list to receive a reminder to sign up as soon as registration opens (I was checking it obsessively in late August but it wasn’t up and by the time I remembered again it was early October and too late).

And the portfolio, well, the not-having-my-own-classroom situation was so overwhelming that without the trainings to inspire me to try new ideas, I ended up coasting on my past lesson plans. I was barely able to execute those in the five different rooms, on two different campuses, so yeah, scanning them and categorizing them into a portfolio just wasn’t going to happen.

The reality is, this past academic year was so much harder than I was expecting when I tried to pull myself out of a pit of professional despair last spring with my kick-ass, three-pronged plan to become a competitive candidate this year. I didn’t know I wasn’t going to have my own classroom, or that PTA would be so thoroughly all-encompassing, of that my in-laws wouldn’t be here to help with the kids.

I’m trying to remember all that, and most moments I’ve accepting of the fact that I’m not in a place to try to get a new job this year. But it can be hard.

There are big changes happening at my district. Our principal, along with four others, are leaving. In a small district with only eight schools, that is a MASSIVE change in leadership (over half!). One principal is going back to teaching, a hope he’s had for a while, but the other four have been poached by our past superintendent, who left in October to lead a much bigger district 30 minutes to the south. I was worried our principal would apply to be the superintendent of our district, so I should have known he’d leave for greener pastures if they were offered to him.

Our AP has only been at our school for one year, and that was only her first year ever in an administrative position, so I don’t think they’ll move her up. But with four principal positions opening up, who knows. I’m most worried they will move her to an elementary school, which would leave us with a new principal AND a new AP, a situation we’ve been in TWICE in the past three years.

We also just got our new superintendent, and no ones knows much about her yet. Who knows how she is going to navigate all these crazy changes.

It just sucks to watch everyone moving on to bigger and better things, knowing there is every chance I will retire from teaching at this district after giving it almost 40 years of my life, and the entirety of my professional tenure.

I’m trying to focus on the positive, that I have plans to take my kids to a Spanish-speaking country this summer, which is the first step in my long-term plan of living abroad for a year. If I do stay at my district until that happens, I might be able to take a year leave with a job to come back to. That would be AMAZING. Of course, they could refuse my request, as they’ve done to so many others. It would be a fucking bullshit move, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they pulled it. I would feel angry and betrayed, after almost 20 years of service for them to deny me the opportunity to improve professionally. That anger and betrayal will also make it easier to stomach the uncertainty of finding a new job. Hopefully after a year in a Spanish speaking country I’ll actually be eligible for other positions.

So I guess I’m back to playing the long game. I’ll keep my job and my tenure, but I’ll attend the trainings for new ideas and networking. I’ll add big, impressive projects to my portfolio slowly, so that hopefully, when the time comes, I’ll be ready to get the job of my dreams.

Back from across the pond

I got back Tuesday night from London. It was a really good trip, and I do hope to write more about it. I will say that leaving my life behind for seven full days was strange in so many ways, and there were definitely moments where the space felt awkward and uncomfortable. I also struggled more than I expected with jet lag; the first couple of days I felt really rough.

I’m delighted that my first day home was much better, exhaustion wise, than my first day in London. Everyone says it will hit soon and I’ll feel awful, but for now I’m doing surprisingly well – sleeping through the night and feeling relatively focused during the day.

My flight landed Tuesday night and I was thrust immediately into real life again. There is a lot going on. I’m back at work, catching up after missing a couple of days. There are lose ends to tie up regarding the carnival, and next week is the book fair at my daughter’s school. I have two appointments this week, neither of which is easy to get to. And of course my kids and husband need my attention and energy after surviving without me for so long.

Still, reentry hasn’t been as stressful as I’d feared. I’m hoping to get caught up a little this weekend. There is a lot to do.

For now a couple of pictures of my trip.

First days in London

Weekend I’m Brighton (visiting a good friend and his family)

Last days in London

A success!

The carnival was a success! It didn’t rain, and the sun even came out for a bit. After the crazy storm we had on Friday, no rain was a massive win.

The volunteers showed up, and did a good job. Especially my students. I was so, so impressed with them, and so grateful. They restored something I thought might be broken forever inside my teacher self. Their participating added so much to the whole experience for me.

And people came. It was a great mix of families from the school and the surrounding community. Everyone had a great time. It was a really fun day.

We made almost $2.5K on Saturday. Adding that to the $2.5K we made on raffle tickets sales in the month leading up to the carnival, we made a very decent amount of money, at least for our school. We feel really proud.

I spent over 10 hours at the school on Saturday. By the time I got home I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. Sunday we hung out. I returned the food we didn’t eat to Costco and took the kids to swimming lessons. I did 4 of the 8 loads of laundry that need to get done. All day I luxuriated in being done.

Today I’m letting the kids stay home from school. I just can’t bear to be away from them all day when I’m about to be away from them for over a week. We’re playing hookie and they couldn’t be more thrilled.

My flight leaves at 7:30 this evening. I am so incredibly excited to spend a week in London with my sister and a good friend. I’m also anxious and sad to leave my family. Ah the contradictory emotions of anyone who has leave a loved one to have any kind of experience – always bitter sweet.

Thank you all for your support this past month as I fell off the grid and into the rabbit hole that was this carnival. It was a massive undertaking, but in the end it felt very worth it. I’m glad we put it on, and I hope we can grow it into a successful event that the school is known for.

But for now it’s my spring break and I’m off to London for some time away from my kids and my life. Maybe I’ll revisit the person I was a long time ago, before I had kids. Maybe I’ll meet someone totally different…

34 Hours

In 34 hours the carnival will be over.

I so, so need it to be over.

It’s storming today but the forecast for tomorrow is hopeful.

Please send some sunny thought our way.

I really hope this event is at least mildly successful. We’ve put SO MUCH effort and time and planning and money into it. Our school community could really use a win right now.

But the most important thing is that in 34 hours it will be done. No matter what happens, or how it turns out, it will be over, and I can have my life back.

Just 34 hours.

48 Hours Off

I took the weekend off from all the shit I needed to do. Friday I didn’t go to work because my son’s preschool was closed for two days. My husband took Thursday, and our son to his TK-required physical which involved three shots and a blood draw (so glad to miss that!) and I took Friday. We just lounged around the house because my son wasn’t feel great after all those vaccinations. I mostly cleaned up the house in preparation for my daughter’s sleep over.

That night, while my son enjoyed special grandparent time, my daughter had three friends over. It was our first big spend the night and it went pretty well. Of course it was exhausting but they were all passed out by 10:30 and no one got up again until 7am. I will take it!

Their parents were here to pick them up by 10am and the rest of Saturday was very low key. The only stressful part was not realizing that Target would be a mad house the day before Easter (I went to grab non-Easter related things), but I survived. And now my husband can try out jar salads, which I’m thrilled about because he’s been buying lunch every day at work for the last year and I really wish he wouldn’t.

Sunday we spent a beautiful day at my parents’ house. The kids found their eggs and gleefully opened them. Then they stripped to their skivvies and played in the wading pool. After two weeks of gray and rain it got very warm last week, and the heat wave still isn’t over.

Of course the forecast calls for rain this Saturday and I’m trying hard not to freak out about it. So many hours have gone into planning for this carnival, the idea that rain could ruin it is more than I can bear.

But I have to accept what I cannot control and plan for inevitabilities. I spent 5 hours last night getting ready for the final publicity push and coordinating everyone else’s efforts. It was so nice to take the weekend off from work and carnival obligations; I do think I’m ready to push through and get this thing done.

In Buddhism there is a teaching about putting forth your best effort while having no expectations of the result, and accepting whatever happens. I always struggle mightily with that teaching, especially when I have put forth an immense amount of effort. But the reality is there is nothing more I can do to make people come, and less I can do to control the weather. So I will focus on what I can do. And try hard to be okay with whatever the outcome might be.

Mind Loop

I’m struggling right now. Everything is carnival, carnival, carnival.

There are some other things too, but they aren’t great. I’m doing a shit job at work (and home, frankly) because I’m so distracted. My house is teeming with carnival supplies; towers of game and prize tickets, bag of prizes, boxes of supplies. There is a bucket dunk tank sitting on the back of my bike in the entry way. (My daughter’s school is shut down for spring break this week so I can’t move anything to their storage space.) I got some shitty news at work about next year. I’m just… tired.

It feels like I’m fighting all these uphill battles, and I wonder what is the point?

And then I think of how hopeless people with real problems must feel, people trying to claw their way out of generational poverty, people worried about ICE showing up at their door and tearing their family apart (my daughter’s school has had three information meetings about that this year – our school community is terrified), people worried about their children being shot by the people entrusted by our society to protect them.

I know my problems aren’t real. I need to put things in perspective, but mostly creating that “perspective” just makes me more depressed.

I’m just in a shitty place, mentally. I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. I’m trying to adopt that mindset of doing my best work and accepting the outcome. But the thought of having gathered $5000 in raffle prizes when we’ll be lucky to sell $2500 in tickets is just depressing. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. Like I’m missing something obvious. Like it’s my fault that we’ll fail.

I’m just done and there are still a lot of miles to run in this marathon. I hope I make it to the finish line.

Some Good News

I’ve been so tired lately. Even enough I’m getting pretty decent nights with 7 hours of sleep, I’m dragging like crazy at work. I think it might be the weather (our 2nd week of gray and rain), or the carnival (only two more weeks and and so much more to do).

But there has been good news this week. A lot of good news, actually.

On Monday I asked my 7th and 8th graders if anyone would be willing to come up to the city and volunteer at my carnival. I honestly didn’t expect much response–it’s a 30+ minute drive one way and it’s the first day of their spring break–but the response was truly overwhelming. Over half of each class took the information to talk to their parents, and I’ve had 14 kids commit to helping. I am so touched by their willingness to help me with this. It restored a little faith in… I don’t know… everything.

This week we also learned that our son got into the TK program we applied to. I was genuinely shocked. I had pretty much written off the chance of that happening, so much so that I almost forgot the letters were coming this week.

It’s not a perfect situation, and we’re still not 100% sure he’ll go, but the prospect off saving $15K in child care next year makes me giddy. I’ll be sad to lose Spanish Immersion, and I know he’ll miss his friends, but I do think TK will be a better fit for him than a 4th year at his preschool, where they aren’t well equipped for older kids who no longer nap. Also, did I mention saving $15K?!

There was also the OST (Out of School Time – basically after care program) to get into, and I’m not 100% sure that happened, but I’m pretty confident I turned my two massive packets in early enough to get a space.

Once I felt pretty sure the TK/OST program was a go, I bought my tickets to Nicaragua.

I have to admit, I am equal parts terrified and excited about it, I think mostly because I’m not sure yet of our itinerary. But the tickets were as cheap as I’d seen them in over a month of checking, and now that I know we can afford it, I pulled the trigger. My husband thinks I’m crazy–What if you decide you don’t want to go?!–but I know this is so important to me that it’s not so much about wanting to go, but needing to. Traveling to Spanish speaking countries has been part of “the plan” since before I had kids; it’s a reflection of my deepest desires and my most cherished goals and I need to start making it happen, even if it scares me.

Oh, and my daughter got into all the cool camps we wanted for the four weeks we are actually in town this summer.

So yeah, lots of good news this week.

And it’s Friday!

Any good news to share?

Intention

On the Note to Self advice episode from January, Manoush suggested that one way to combat information overload is to set an intention every time you go online, and stick to the intention. She says it’s not finding that recipe or checking your Instagram feed or buying that thing you need (or even want) that creates the feeling of overwhelm, but jumping back and forth between them without recognizing what your trying to get done. I have to agree.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately, trying to determine what my intention is when I open my phone. The reality is that most of the time I’m doing it out of habit; it’s a mindless exercise with no intention at all. I suppose I’m trying to distract myself, but even that is hard to determine. When I do think of what my intention might be, and can’t articulate it, I turn the phone off again. It’s a small gesture, and not particularly powerful, but it is getting me thinking about my phone use differently.

The idea is also extended into my blog reading. I’ve noticed a shift in my satisfaction with blog reading over the years. It used to be my favorite past time, but lately I feel… it’s hard to explain, all I know is that doesn’t feel as good as it used to.

As I try to set my blog reading intention (Why am I opening up my reader for the upteenth time today?) I realize that my reason for reading blogs used to be connection. I read the blogs of people I considered friends, commented in those places, and felt a part of community. The vast majority of those people have long since stopped writing–the community is all but gone–and yet I keep coming back looking for that sense of connection.

Instead I find impersonal blogs about productivity and minimalism and personal finance. Not only do I find no meaningful connection in these places, but many of them make me feel bad about myself and my many short comings.

It’s so obvious now that I see it, but for the longest time it was very distressing, my inability to identify and articulate why blog reading was no longer what it used to be. Now that I see the change for what it is, I feel more at peace. I’m deeply sad about it–I realize I lost something important and positive that I’ll likely never get back–but it’s easier to mourn and eventually accept a loss when I can see it for what it is.

Now that I realize my intention for reading blogs is not at all what is happening when I read them I have to make some changes. Either I adjust my intentions to keep reading, or I accept that reading now will never meet my original intention and stop.

What is your intention when you read blogs? Do you believe you meet that intention when you read them?

Scattered on a Saturday

It’s Saturday afternoon.

My son is (trying) to take his nap.

My daughter is playing with her friend (who sneaked in right after I shut my son’s door).

And I am on the elliptical for the first time in four weeks.

I had my second follow up appointment on Thursday. My doctor is pleased with how things are progressing, despite having to cut and burn off some “granulated tissue.” I’m not where she thought I’d be by now, but she does think I will eventually heal and she still thinks I will “love my new vagina.”

I am not so sure. The prolapse continues to be a real issue. While before I never really noticed it (except during my period when it prohibits me from wearing a tampon or cup), now I’m constantly aware of it. Right now, working out, it’s quite uncomfortable.

After a couple of weeks of physical therapy I can see the doctor that specializes in prolapse. I really want to avoid surgery (it’s not supposed to be very successful, or last very long even if it is initially successful), but so far the pessary has been totally useless (it just gets against the same spot my cervix pushes against). Maybe when the Botox wears off it won’t be such an issue, but my current doctor seems to doubt that. I guess we’ll see in the next couple of months.

Of course the final verdict of success will be if it still hurts when we have sex. Evidently I’m allowed to try when my husband comes back from SXSW tomorrow(!!!), but I can’t imagine I’ll feel ready by then. I originally told him 6 weeks and I think I’ll continue with that narrative. I want to feel very ready before we try again.

Still, I do admit that it’s finally starting to feel more normal down there. This past month of recovery has been much more difficult and stressful than I had anticipated. I hope in the end that I’m glad I did it, but right now the jury is definitely still out.

In less vagina-centric news…

We had a great Parents’ Night Out event last night. It was our third one and I think we’re all getting the hang of it because everyone agreed it was much easier to manage. We aren’t planning one in April, so there is only one more scheduled in May. Yay!

Our carnival is exactly three weeks from today. We found out we qualify for a $1,500 grant from an organization that promotes weekend use of school yards, so that is amazing (I probably would have been spending about that much of my own money had we not gotten this grant, so I am especially excited). We don’t have nearly enough volunteers, but otherwise we are in good shape. I hope we can pull it off successfully. We’ll see…

Two days after the carnival I leave for London. When I take the time to think about it I get SO EXCITED. I can’t think of a time when I so needed a break. I am worried to leave my family for so long (I’ll be gone until the following Tuesday!!!), especially after solo parenting for six days. But mostly I’m just so, so excited to get away from my regular life and visit a city I love (and a friend I haven’t seen in years).

Some events recently have left me acutely aware of how important friends are, and how few good ones I have left. The reality is, I don’t have a best friend (or even a good friend) and I am no one’s best or good friend, and while most of the time I accept this, some days it still hurts. Lately I’ve been made to remember that everyone I consider a friend has someone else they confide in more, and they hold a higher tier in my friendship hierarchy than I do in theirs. I have also been reminded of the friends I’ve lost, and the fact that they still have tons more friends, so my absence is probably not even a blip on their radar, while theirs leaves a gaping hole in my life. I wonder what is wrong with me that I can’t get or stay close to people. Am I flawed in some important way? Probably. But overall my life is pretty great, and it could be a lot worse, so I’m trying hard to focus on what I have instead of what I don’t have.

Man, it is uncomfortable to work out like this. I really hope I can get this prolapse issued sorted, because if I had to trade pain-free sex for this feeling, it won’t have been worth it. At all.

Still, so, so happy it’s Saturday.