Not a Wasted Word

The carnival was last Saturday. We got beautiful weather. People came and had fun and we made money.

It was also super stressful and there were some considerable set backs and we decided we’re definitely not doing it again.

So… kind of a success? I guess? Hard to say. I’m just relieved it’s over.

This past week was consumed by the heat treatment. I took off Monday to build a shed we needed to store our stuff, and I took off Tuesday to pack things up.

My husband took off Wednesday to continue packing and prepping and Thursday to be available during the heat treatment (he stayed at his parents’ house with our cat).

And just when the heat treatment was over, and I was looking forward to 48-hours or down time before the book fair next week, the school nurse found lice on my daughter.

So… yeah. Kinda feels like I can’t catch a break. I just need it to be May already.

I dislike when people are like, shit-hit-the-fan-but-I-can’t-talk-about-it-so-instead-I’ll-disappear-for-hella-days and I TOTALLY did that, so I’m poking my head in to just put an end to the vague blogging and assure you I’m fine (well, pretty much).

The short version of the shitty news from a couple weeks ago is that our tenant has bed bugs. The whole story is so much more complicated and frustrating than that, and I haven’t written about it yet because the mere thought of communicating an accurate representation of the situation is totally overwhelming. So here is the good news and the bad news (at least the portions I have the bandwidth to share):

THE GOOD NEWS

• As far as we (and a trained professional) can tell, they are isolated to his unit. None of us have been bitten (that we know of) and there are no signs of bed bugs in our beds or elsewhere in our unit.
• The fact that we don’t currently have any bed bug “activity” in our unit means we don’t have to do as much to manage our shit before treatment.
• We did get a refund on our taxes, which will help us pay for the treatment.

THE BAD NEWS

• Did I mention our tenant has bed bugs? Seriosuly. FFFUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!
• We will spending at least $2000 to treat our house (the first time, there may be more).
• We do not trust our tenant to properly manage his belongings to better ensure there is not a recurrence.
• Even if he were to take all the necessary precautions, there is still a good chance they will come back (bed bugs are are HARD to eradicate. REALLY. REALLY. HARD.)
• Upon entering his unit to be present at the inspection we were made aware that he has not actually been staying in the unit (FOR OVER A YEAR), and it is filthy and rodent infested.
• We are in a precarious positions as landlords because (a) we did not register our unit (long story I don’t currently want to get into) which complicates our rights as landlords and (b) tenants have a SHIT TON of rights in San Francisco and our options for getting rid of our tenant if he does not manage the unit to our satisfaction in the future are VERY EXPENSIVE AND VERY LIMITED (especially if we want another tenant in the unit after he leaves). Also (c) my husband works for the city so the optics of the situation, if it were to get messy, are important.
• We are opting to heat treat the entire house because (a) treating the entire house was not much more than only treating his unit, (b) the heat treatment it is cheaper and has a longer warranty than the chemical treatment, and (c) the heat treatment avoids introducing chemicals into either unit.
• The heat treatment is better in a lot of ways, but it is a massive pain in the butt because it requires we remove some pieces of furniture and other belongings that will be damaged by the high temperatures. These items need to be out of the house entirely (they cannot be stored in the garage) for at least 8 hours that day. Oh, and also our cat.
• We will probably have to pay to clean our tenant’s unit, or clean it ourselves, before the treatment.
• That big carnival our PTA puts on is this coming Saturday so I’m already REALLY FUCKING STRESSED OUT AND BUSY.

This past week was my spring break, but I’m going back to work tomorrow as stressed out and exhausted, if not more so, than I was going into it. That is not a good feeling, but I keep reminding myself that in a couple of weeks the carnival will be over, and the treatment will also probably be over, and things will be better.

The other good news is that there is no rain being forecast in the next week, which is SUCH A RELIEF. Last year rain was projected on the day of our carnival and I spent the whole week before obsessively checking my weather app. In the end it rained early that morning but was dry enough on the day of the carnival. This winter has been so wet; it has rained the majority of days since the new year. I was beginning to accept that the sheer mathematical probability of rain was high. We have a contingency plan for rain, but I’m very thankful that we probably won’t need to use it. I will definitely be checking my weather app every day, but hopefully only once or twice.

So that is where I am at, super stressed and overwhelmed and counting the days until these two big events are behind me.

Reasons I’m bummed out right now:

• This is almost assuredly the biggest factor (well besides the last bullet point): I’m on the first day of my period, and I think I have PMDD because wowzers do my period do a number on me, mentally and emotionally.
• My only good friend at work is leaving to teach at a high school next year, right when I would have actually been able to have lunch with her again (it looks like I won’t be traveling between campuses anymore – crossing my fingers).
• (I will also admit to having thoughts along the line of, “She applied for one high school job and got it. I applied for four and didn’t get any of them. I really must suck.”)
• The shitty thing that I mentioned before that is causing so much stress (and I still don’t have the energy to write about – don’t worry, no one is sick or injured).
• My daughter’s school (soon to be my son’s school) is still the hot mess it was when we first started there (and they promised to make ALL THE CHANGES!). It makes me feel sad and hopeless seeing how broken the public school system is and how poorly it serves the students who need it most.
• It’s my kids’ spring break, but not mine. Most of their friends are off traveling (New York! Tahoe! Mexico! Southern California!) but we’re not (logistically difficult when we’re off on different weeks) and I’m having a bit of a pity party about it.
• Related to the above: I’m in the midst of accepting that we won’t be traveling internationally this summer, no matter what our tax return situation may be, and I’m bummed out about it.
• If we want to make those international trips a reality we will have to drastically change our priorities and I don’t see us actually doing that, especially when they are really only important to me.
• If we can’t even make those trips a priority, I highly doubt we’ll make living abroad a priority. It’s hard when you have vastly different goals than your spouse (and those goals are logistically complicated, financially challenging, and totally upend your life for a period of time).
• And this is a really big one: I read an article in Politico that Trump is almost sure to win in 2020 barring some drastic economic downturn or devastating scandal. This isn’t opinion, it’s prediction based on economic and historic trends. I doubt the economy will tank enough to ensure he isn’t re-elected, and it seems like there is no scandal big enough to take him down (I doubted the Mueller report was going to provide that scandal, but it’s disappointing to learn that it definitely will not). The thought of this political climate remaining a reality until 2024 sends me into a spiral of panic and depression.

So yeah. My emotional well being is the gutter right now, and it’s hard to keep my chin up.

What are you doing to stay positive these days?

I got some upsetting and stressful news today (will share later, just don’t have the time and emotional bandwidth to write it down now), right at the end of 1st period.

I was VERY distracted, after the fact. I struggled mightily to reorient myself in my regular day. I actually had my 2nd period watch a movie, because I just didn’t think I could manage teaching an entire class. I also needed to get my grading done once and for all (grades are due tomorrow), and I needed to show the movie at some point anyway, so it was easy to tell myself I had good reasons for throwing my lesson plan out the window and turning on the TV. But really I just couldn’t pull my shit together and teach.

I did manage to get my act together by 3rd period though. I toyed briefly with the idea of having that class watch a movie too, but I knew it didn’t make as much sense for them, so I stuck with what I had planned. And I pulled it together, and switched gears, and re-entered my regular life.

And then I got some great news at the end of 4th period (more on that later as well), and I was super stoked, and I didn’t let the other shitty news taint my elation.

I’m still handling the upsetting and stressful news well too. When I tell myself that there is nothing I can do about right in this moment, so there is no use in running through a litany of what-ifs when all it does is make me miserable, it actually helps me to put the worry down and walk away. I think I’m finally learning how to let the voice of reason prevail. Or maybe it’s just my anxiety is not as intense for some other, totally unrelated reason, and that is allowing me to break out of harmful cycles of unproductive worry. Either way, I SO APPRECIATE being able to manage this is a way that feels appropriate and comfortable (I mean, yes, I’d much rather NOT be dealing

I always assumed I’d be a much happier adult than teenager or twenty-something (those years were ROUGH for me), but I never considered that I would just keep feeling better, more comfortable in my skin, more able to manage difficult situations. I am actually learning from my experiences, and changing in positive ways as I gain perspective. I think my 40s are actually going to be pretty great.

Quick thoughts on a Sunday / almost technically Monday.

My daughter got into the drama camp, but not the tech camp she really wanted. She was super bummed. I looked into tech camps afterward and they start at $1200 for the week! Um, I’m sorry but I can’t afford that (oops, sorry, I don’t prioritize that). I guess she’ll just have to keep dreaming about her first encounter with a 3-D printer.

It’s expensive to buy summer camps for two kids ($2K for only three weeks total for each of them), but not as expensive as having to pay for full-time childcare i didn’t need to save my son’s spot between school years.

I ended up finding decent flights to St. Louis after worrying I’d have to pay significantly more than last year. They are not great times (super early) but are non-stops and it’s Southwest so I won’t get screwed by checking bags. I’m pleased to get that out of way.

I really want to know what our tax situation is. Badly.

I saw Captain Marvel tonight and it was awesome. So exciting to see another kick-ass woman super hero story. I doubt it will happen but I’d love to see Black Widow star in her own stand alone.

I took the kids to Adventure Playground again and the weather was so beautiful. It was a really great day, and I was reminded yet again what a difference some sunshine can make. Honestly, I was miserable before and I didn’t realize the extent of how bad I felt until the rain stopped and the weather got warm. My mood has improved drastically.

We hit stand-still traffic on the bridge coming home but these pictures almost made it worth it.

Not a bad looking city if I do say so myself.

{Also, this new phone takes damn good photos.}

This morning, at 10am, I will be playing the Rec and Park summer camp lottery, hoping to get my kids into a few camps they want (or for my son, the only ones available for five year olds). In the past I spent weeks combing over the catalogue, attempting different configurations that fit into our summer schedule.

It can feel a little complicated because my kids are out of school almost two weeks before me, and our St. Louis dates are largely out of our control because the “farm” weekend is planned many months in advance. And since many of the camps are impacted, I always need to have a plan B or C in case we don’t get into our first choice. So yeah, it takes a lot of time and requires a lot of foresight.

This year though, I just couldn’t muster the enthusiasm to start looking. I finally opened the catalogue earlier this week, found a few camps I hope we get into, and put them on my wishlist. The only two my daughter wants are hugely popular and I don’t even have a Plan B for the two-week arts camp that happens when I actually need coverage. I guess if we don’t get in there I’ll have to find an option outside of Rec and Park.

Getting ready for the summer camp registration forced me to think about a trip abroad with the kids. I haven’t really broached the subject with myself because I’m so terrified of our possible tax situation that I haven’t let myself even consider it an option. Also, our St. Louis flights will be much more expensive than last year, so I don’t know if it’s really worth it.

I also had to calculate how much we made with AirBnB, and then how much we spent on cleaning services (for our taxes) and honestly I don’t know if it’s actually worth it for us to do it again. After subtracting the small business and short-term rental licensing fees the city requires, plus all the cleaning services, we barely made enough to cover one set of flights last summer. I mean, it’s not nothing, but it’s also a crazy amount of work and I don’t know if (here in San Francisco) it’s actually worth it. Especially when my husband and cat have to be displaced, and neither one enjoys that.

{Really, what it will come down to, is if the possible money we could make would be enough to make a trip possible, and my guess is no, it won’t provide enough to fund an international trip. Since we’ll definitely be out of town for St. Louis I’ll have to decide if we want to rent out our space then.}

So I guess I’m feeling pretty blah about my summer. I keep reminding myself that it’s all about priorities. We bought a great car (earlier than we anticipating needing to) and that has stretched us thin on the financial front, and there are consequences for making that choice. Who knows, maybe our tax situation won’t be as dire as I’m fearing and we can still make something work. And if not, it’s okay. A low key summer at home could be really nice.

Wish me luck with summer camp registration! Only 10 minutes until it opens!

What do you have planned for this summer?

As I explore my values, I recognize more and more how important service is for me. I am a very privileged person who has so much more than so many people. Being of service to others is important to me. And I do this not for external recognition, but for my own internal reasons. Recognizing this has helped me manage my expectations on the PTA front, and I feel a lot better about the time and energy I put into those projects. This is a good thing, because the spring carnival is in one month which means we’re officially in crunch time. I’m going to be spending a lot of time on it, but that’s okay because being of service is important to me.

It doesn’t hurt that a few staff from my daughter’s school have reached out to tell us how thankful they are to have a PTA that puts on events and supports their school. It really can be challenging to teach at a school with very little parent involvement and so many socio-economically disadvantaged students. These teachers are fighting against a system that has set them, and their students, up to fail. Many schools like my daughter’s have no PTA and no school-wide events. We provide something that teaches can feel good about at their school, and the ones who recognize that and communicate their appreciation definitely help remind me that the service I am providing is actually worth while. As long as I am confident my efforts are making a difference, I am okay with the doing the work.

It’s funny how a change in perspective about something can totally transform the experience.

It has rained A LOT in Northern California this winter. A lot a lot. Like almost every day for months a lot. I know we need it, and ultimately it’s a good thing, but man it was starting to wear.

This week the sun is finally shining and the temps are inching into the low 60s. It feels so good to be outside.

The sun and blue skies almost make up for sprinting forward on Sunday.

Almost.

One of the activities the Designing Your Life book and workbook require you try is to track your energy and engagement during various activities (at home, work, and everywhere else) over a 3-4 week period. Throughout the day, you are supposed to look back on the things you did and determine your level of engagement (how interested you were in the activity and how quickly time seemed to pass while you were doing it) and your energy level, both during and after the task. I’ve been doing this, and I’m recognizing a phenomena that so far the book has not mentioned. A lot of the activities I really enjoy – they provide a lot of engagement and leave me feeling energized – are challenging enough that I don’t necessarily look forward to them.

Take martial arts for example. I am really enjoying martial arts right now. I finally got my yellow belt which means I’m learning new kicks and hand work at almost every class. I’ve also finally started sparring, which is intense aerobic exercise that requires incredible mental focus. I am constantly moving, anticipating the other person’s moves while also planning my own. It’s all-consuming, and at the end I’m both exhausted and exhilarated. My usual runner’s high can’t hold a candle to how I feel after sparring.

And yet, sparring is rigorous exercise – both mental and physical. I don’t generally look forward to it. Even though I know I’m going to feel great after the fact, I also know how intense it is in the moment. It’s not that I dread sparring or anything, but knowing I’ll be doing that instead of just lounging around at home on a Saturday at noon, is a bit of a weight. So yes, the actually activity is the epitome of engaging and energizing, but the anticipation of the event can have the opposite effect.

The same goes for assisting at the dojo. Our dojo is a non-profit that relies heavily on volunteer support. I am there every Monday while my son takes the class for 3.5-5yos and my daughter takes the other class for kids. I’ve recently committed to assisting during those classes every Monday, after providing inconsistent support in the past (some weeks I would assist and other weeks I’d sit in the hall and get work done). I really enjoy volunteering at the dojo – the kids are awesome and I am supporting a community that I value – but there are days when I’m tired after teaching for six hours at work and the last thing I want to do is manage other people’s children for another 1.5 hours before I go home to manage my own. I always feel really good during and after my volunteer time at the dojo, but sometimes I don’t look forward to having one more commitment on my time and energy, especially when I feel behind at work.

So yeah. I’m not sure how to feel about these activities. If I just look at how they engage and energize me in the moment, and after, it would make sense to spend time doing them every day. And yet I know if I did I would be overwhelmed, because they take a toll on my general well being by being so engaging and energizing.

I don’t know if this makes any sense. I hope as I continue to track my activities, and how they make me feel, I will be better able to incorporate these realizations into a coherent understanding of which activities make me feel good, and which make me feel “meh.”

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Do you know which activities engage and energize you? What are they?

Ugh! I come here and I try to write! I really do! I even have ideas of things to write about. But it feels so hard some days. I’m just so tired, so sick of… producing… you know?

But I wanted to write something. To say that I’m still here. I’m still working on stuff. I’m still trying to identify my core values. I’m reading Designing Your Life and working through its workbook. It’s been interesting, but I’m only just starting and don’t feel like I can write about it yet. I’m spending the next three weeks tracking my activities to see how engaging and energizing they are. Maybe at the end of those three weeks I’ll have some insights.

I’m not rushing this because I want it to work. I am tired of feeling unfulfilled in a life that could absolutely be fulfilling. I believe that a change in mindset, or possibly a bigger change in how I spend my time, or even earn my living, could be a game changer for me. I believe that I have the opportunities available to make a real and lasting and positive change, if I just knew what change to make. So I will take my time, and read, and talk, and write, and hopefully I will figure it out.

And if I don’t, well at least I tried.