Not a Wasted Word

When I saw this post a couple of weeks ago, I knew I wanted to answer the questions for myself, in hopes of ending 2017 on a thoughtful note. It’s easy to think back 1.5 years ago to how excited I was when I realized I’d turn 37 on 7/17/17 and remember all the hopes I had for this year of my life being straight up amazing. Then Trump was elected and I didn’t get any of the jobs I interviewed for and I lost my classroom at work and people I loved died, and I had to end a long and important friendship, and my in-laws started living in Texas most of the time and it became clear that 37 was not going to be some magic year for me. That in fact, it was going to be fairly shitty. It’s easy to let my self slip into a self-pity spiral, and that is NOT how I want to end the year. So here I am, trying hard to end the year thoughtfully, and feeling very thankful that someone posted some questions that help me do that.

1. What makes this year unforgettable?

I visited South America for the first time. It was also my first extended trip away from kids, doing something that was 100% for me, both personally and professionally. The fact that I planned and executed the trip feels as important as the time I spent in Ecuador, improving my Spanish and reawakening my love of experiencing other cultures through travel. It was also an important first step toward traveling internationally with my kids, which I’m thinking about a lot right now.

2. What did you enjoy doing this year?

I enjoyed my evenings with my husband. I wrote about that more here. Our marriage is still in one of the most-stable and positive places it’s been, maybe ever; that feels really good. I enjoyed listening to Spanish music in the car. It’s been a long time since I sought out new music and I really love the mix I’ve made. I’ve enjoyed building LEGOs with my kids. I enjoyed riding my bike around the city.

3. What/who is the one thing/person you’re grateful for?

I’m really grateful for my husband, who has been a great support to me in the past six months. I’m always so grateful for my mother, especially since her sister passed away suddenly and her sister-in-law lost a battle with cancer, leaving her two college-aged daughters to navigate adulthood without their mom’s guidance. Those loses have been huge reminders of how lucky I am that my mom is here, and healthy, and an amazing support when I need it. I should make more of an effort to spend time with her without my kids. I miss that.

4. What’s your biggest win this year?

My biggest win was making it to Ecuador for 10 days without my family. That gave me the confidence to book a trip to London for a week in April (which is during the school year and will require a lot more work on my husband’s part), and to start looking into an international trip with my kids.

5. What did you read/watch/listen to that made the most impact this year?

Hmmm. This one is harder for me, which is interesting because I am always listening to books that are meant to change my perspective, or help me parent better, or fix my marriage, or some such thing. This year I didn’t read so many books like that, and the ones I did read didn’t seem to have much impact. I actually wrote more about that here. I do have a few books on my to-read list for next year (they aren’t out yet) that I hope will have an impact.

The one thing that did have a big impact on me this year was listening to Ta-Nehisi Coates read his own book, Between the World and Me. That was a hard read, and definitely changed the way I look at the world.

6. What did you worry about most and how did it turn out?

What I’ve worried about most is our president and our country and we don’t yet know how it will turn out. I suppose that is most people’s answer for this year. The reality is the effects of his presidency will be insidious and far-reaching and will still be having impacts for generations to come.

But as far as concerns that are a little closer to home, I’ve been worried for many years about my daughter and this year she finally seems to be coming into her own. That has been very gratifying, and an immense relief. She still has struggles, but they feel so much more within the realm of “developmentally appropriate.” It was a long seven years to get here, but she is showing me that I needn’t have worried so much when she was younger. Who knows though, if I hadn’t worried, and didn’t get her the support that I did get her, maybe she wouldn’t be where she is now…

7. What was your biggest regret and why?

I regret not doing more to purge stuff around the house because now I feel like I’m absolutely drowning in shit, and the state of things is back to the code-red panic-inducing place it was before I did the first major Kondo-inspired purge. Except this time I can’t seem to motivate to make any real or lasting changes.

8. What’s one thing that changed about yourself?

Ha. I think one thing that sets 2017 apart is that I did less to change myself than I have in any other year. Well, I suppose that is not true. I did apply for new jobs, and it was the first time I’d done that in 14 years. So that was a massive thing. And not having a job offered to me was also a massive thing, the repercussions of which I don’t think I’ve quite processed. All I know is that since I applied for those jobs and didn’t get them, I’ve basically stopped trying to better myself. Hmmm, I wonder if they are connected… Do I know longer believe I can affect real change in my own life? I should look at this more…

9. What surprised you the most this year?

How happy I am in my marriage… How awesome 2nd grade has been for my daughter… That my family was okay without me for 10 days… How hard it is being PTA president at my daughter’s school… How many steps back I can take in areas of my life that I’ve wanted to change… How difficult, and ultimately beneficial, it can be to let someone go… How much I can miss someone that I didn’t think was a big part of my life…

10. If you could go back to last January 1, what suggestions would you give your past self?

Oh fuck, this is a hard one. I think I’ll wait and ponder it a bit, and post my thoughts on the first of the year…

Well, the big day came and went, and I find myself in a pretty intense anticipation hangover.

I sometimes don’t realize how much I’m relying on the anticipation of a big event to get me through the days. December was very much about Christmas and preparing for its arrival. And even though I didn’t have grand expectations for the actual day (which was quite nice, all things considered), I guess I was really enjoying the anticipation, and even the preparation, leading up to it. Now that there is nothing fun to look forward to (at least not for the next couple of months), I’m reminded of my real life, and of what the day to day actually consists.

To be honest, I’m not super enthused.

I had a similar realization on the first day of my break, when I went down to the enrollment office to figure out what exactly my option are for our son next year. There is a part of me that is considerably frustrated with his fall birthday, and the fact that I will probably have to pay an extra $20K for a fourth year of preschool/daycare, because of his birthday not meeting the Kindergarten cut off. My daughter turned five in June and I only needed three years of care after she turned two. My son will be two months away from turning six when he starts Kindergarten, which means I have an extra year of care to arrange for him.

In the grand scheme of things, $20K is not an insane amount of money. It’s totally manageable, and I’m thankful we have the option of keeping him where he is if the public school options don’t work out (and there is a VERY good chance they won’t). So I was surprised by how frustrated I was when the answers to my questions revealed how few options we have for next year, and how low are chances are of something working out.

I found myself whining to my husband, as I tried to make him (and me!) understand why I was so upset: If he stays at (his preschool) everything next year will be exactly the same. My job! Their schools! Nothing will have changed! I need something to change!

And that’s when I recognize how unsatisfied I am with so many aspects of my life right now.

The fact that I still won’t have a room next year, let alone a new job. The fact that I’ll have to ask for first period prep, and commute between campuses during that tight, 15 minute window. The fact that my son mostly likely won’t be at my daughter’s school, which means they’ll only have two–or maybe even only one!–year together at the same place. The fact I will still be struggling with the same problems, not making improvements in the same areas of my life. It all feels like too much.

And yet, I had a sense this year, that their littleness is fading in very real and noticeable ways. Things do change–they change–and I see it when they can do something that before they couldn’t do, when they can manage something that before they couldn’t manage, when they say something that makes them sound like a teenager, instead of repeating a now rarely-heard vestige of some sweet toddlerism they used to employ.

On Christmas Eve, when I packed away our Elf on a Shelf, I realized this was certainly the last year my daughter would believe. We had so much fun finding her every morning, and using the keys she held to open the boxes with the little surprises. I think I enjoyed it even more than they did. And next year she’ll be 8.5 and he’ll be 5… And there will be almost nothing left of the little loves they used to be.

When my son wakes up early we snuggle together in his bed until it’s wake up time, and I cherish those moments instead of resenting the missed sleep. I am acutely aware of how rare those moments will be, of how precious they are now.

So why, if I recognize how fast they are growing, and how fast their lives are changing, am I so frustrated that next year things will stay the same? It doesn’t make any sense.

All I know is that right now I am an emotional mess. I don’t know what is going on, so I’m trying to patient with myself, to be understanding, even though I don’t understand, to show myself some compassion and remind myself that it’s okay to not know why I feel all these conflicting emotions.

And there are things to look forward to this spring. There are big events to anticipate. And even if next year looks very much the same, it can be different.  can make it different. It’s all in my perspective.

We had to get our central heating system (furnace and ducts) replaces in March when we were informed that the ducts were insulated with asbestos. Our old furnace was this massive metal box you could have incinerated a human body in, but it was also a “gravity furnace,” which means the only reason the heat it produced reached our upstairs living area was because heat rises.

So we got a new smaller furnace that blows heat into the house and we started using it earlier this month.

We weren’t using it in November at all (we kept forgetting to run it for a couple hours when we weren’t home to burn off or blow out any dust in the furnace and ducts) and by the end of the month it was getting cold. Getting out of bed was HARD when it was so much warmer under the covers than in the rest of the house.

Now the heat kicks in half an hour before we wake up, bringing the temperature up from 58* to 63*. By the time I need to get up, it’s TOO hot to stay under the covers.

The woman in Guatemala that I Skype with to practice my Spanish has no central heating. She doesn’t run electric heaters either because electricity is so expensive. They just had a cold spell and it was a cool 50* in her house for two weeks. I can’t even imagine, especially since the only hot water she has is heated electrically (so not very much at one time or to a very high temp) at the shower. All the other water in her house comes out cold. Really puts things in perspective.

I am very grateful for central heating — and hot water! — which make my mornings a lot more pleasant.

What modern convenience are you thankful for these days?

Lately I’ve not wanted to do much of anything. There is a bit of a lull in school work, and with the break starting next week I don’t feel so inclined to plan. There isn’t another PTA even for a while, so those responsibilities aren’t requiring immediate attention. I’m finding I have a little down time, and I’m choosing not to much with it. I’m kind of loving it.

Usually, when I have some down time, I read a book about a new teaching method or brush up on my classroom management. Or I plow through yet another tome on how to make a community school. But right now, I can’t seem to motivate to work ahead on anything. Most nights I just totally waste my own time. What a luxury!

For the past few nights I’ve been devouring Brian K. Vaughan’s Saga series (I ordered them in Spanish) and killing hours playing The Room on my phone (if you loved Myst and Riven you’ll love The Room). It’s totally mindless fun, and I refuse to feel bad about it. Sometimes we need to indulge the very real need to stop caring so much about everything and waste some of our precious time. Hopefully I’ll be recharged by the end of the break, and ready to do some real work.

I’m finding it harder and harder to work out these days. The fact that it’s so hard to schedule workouts is definitely part of it, but I will admit that even on days when I can fit it in, it’s hard to motivate to get on the machine.

I’m probably just burned out doing the same old thing for my workout. I’ve been doing my cardio on the elliptical for YEARS and I bet it’s time for a change. Even if I changed one of my workouts each week, that would probably help.

I think in the spring I’ll sign up for a half marathon to get me running again. In the meantime, maybe I can find a video that interests me. Anyone have any suggestions? I’ve done most of the Jillian Michaels videos and like them, but can’t seem to motivate to return to them. I have the PiYo set but those aren’t doing it for me right now either. Anything else you recommend?

My husband and I both have our holiday parties today.

Mine will be a bummer because two colleagues are being forced out of their jobs and everyone is really angry and upset for them, and their students. They’ve been with us for 1.5 years and are very well liked and their departure will weigh heavily on everyone’s hearts.

My husband’s holiday party will be even sadder, as the mayor of San Francisco just died, and everyone in his office is devastated.

Sometimes the holidays aren’t a happy time.

{I started this post a little over a week ago, after another post got some response surrounding this idea. I’m sorry it took me so long to finish and post it.}

I’ve already talked about this here on my blog. I actually posed the question to all of you and you had A LOT to say on it. The I posted my answer.

I still believe people are doing the best they can. It keeps me out of judgement, and I used to be REALLY good at judgement. Staying out of judgement also keeps me away from the righteous indignation that judgement can engender. Self-righteous anger never did anyone any good.

Believing people are doing the best they can, also gives me hope.

As a middle school teacher I need to believe that people are doing the best they can. If I didn’t, I’d walk around believing that the majority of my students are entitled asshats that are specifically trying to make me miserable. I would believe that their misbehavior is a choice they are purposefully making to disrupt my teaching and thwart the learning of their peers. If I believed that, I wouldn’t have many options, and my entire professional life would feel like a hopeless endeavor.

Instead I choose to believe they are doing the best they can, and recognizing that when they aren’t behaving in a productive way, I need to identify why that is and make changes. Usually a student is misbehaving because they are confused and don’t know what to do or how to do it. Sometimes it’s because they haven’t yet learned how to ignore the impulse to socialize, which is a VERY important need for young adolescents. Once I determine why they might not be meeting my expectations under the current circumstances, I can take action, like provide more scaffolding on the next assignment, or place them at a seat where the urge to talk won’t be so uncontrollable.

If I believe they aren’t doing the best they can, I take it personally. It’s about ME. Or it’s about them being a jerk to me. Or them just being a jerk to everybody. How exactly can I make a difference in a child’s life I believe they are the kind of person who would choose not to the best they can? If I believed that, there would be no way to help them, and I would be hopeless.

I’m relearning the importance of believing that people are doing the best they can at my daughter’s school. As I attempt to increase parent participation it’s so easy to blame nonattendance on the families. Obviously they don’t care, or they’d figure out how to be there. Clearly the ones that don’t come believe education is the job of schools and don’t think they should have to do anything to support their kids’ education. I’ve heard people say all of these things before. Even when they mention valid reasons families might not attend parent-teacher conferences or other important school functions (the parents are working two jobs, or don’t have a car and live far from the school, or can’t arrange childcare for younger siblings), there is a linger judgement that these parents aren’t trying hard enough, and their children are suffering for it.

If I really believed that certain parents aren’t going to do their best for their children, there would be no point in trying to make positive changes at my daughter’s school.

But I choose not to believe that. I choose to believe that parents are doing the best they can. If I believe that, then I can’t just assume they don’t care enough to support their children’s educations. I have to believe something else is standing in the way of them being good advocates for their kids at school.

It has taken a lot of soul searching for me to check my white, upper middle class privilege and recognize how EASY it is for me to advocate for my children. I know how the system works. I know what to say and to whom I should say it. I know what questions to ask and how and when to ask them. I know who else to go to if I don’t at first get the answer I want. Even if I weren’t a teacher, and didn’t have intimate knowledge of the inner-workings of the public school system, I have friends (and parents) who do. I am confident that if my daughter’s placement weren’t working, I could get her transferred to another school. I am confident that I can be an effective advocate for my daughter’s success in school.

Yes I am confident, and yet there are times when even I am unsure of what to do or how to do it. Even though I am a teacher and I know every important person at my daughter’s school, I still struggle sometimes wondering if I should voice a concern and what might be the best way to voice it. If even I doubt myself, I can only imagine how parents who do not have the knowledge and skills that I have, feel when it comes to advocating for their children.

There are so many valid reasons why parents don’t advocate effectively for their children. They don’t speak the language. They work two jobs. They are caring for an aging parent, or a mentally ill sibling, or both. They didn’t complete high school (or middle, or elementary school) and don’t feel comfortable at school. They had a really negative experience with the school system and don’t believe it will treat their children any better. There are literally countless reasons why some parents don’t make the choices other, more involved parents, make.

So does that mean they get a pass? That we accept they are doing the best they can and their best isn’t good enough?

I choose to believe that people are doing the best the can, AND that they want to do better. I believe that we need to work to give people the tools and supports to do better.

Again, this does not mean that people aren’t responsible for their actions. There need to be consequences. But I believe we are better able to provide more effective consequences if we believe someone is doing their best, than we do if we believe they are choosing to make poor choices, because they just don’t care to make better ones. If we approach a person with compassion instead of judgement, or resentment (both highly probable reactions if we believe someone is purposefully choosing not to do the best they can), we are much better able to accurately identify ways we can help, and implement those strategies effectively.

If I believe people are doing the best they can, I can better judge what they are actually capable of, and make more informed decisions about how to proceed. If I approach a situation with compassion instead of resentment, I have a much better chance of recognizing it for what it is and not listen to the story my hurt feelings has conjured up.

So yes, I choose to believe that people are doing the best they can, because for me, the alternative is creates too much opportunity for resentment and self-righteous anger. Some might argue that believing people are doing their best  gives them a pass, but I don’t see it that way. I can uphold my boundaries and advocate for myself even if I believe people are doing their best. In fact, I think I am better able to make the right choices for myself with this world view. If I think someone is NOT doing the best they can, then they might, at any moment, be moved to do better. That might give me the false belief that THEY will change, without anything else changing around them (which is HIGHLY unlikely). If I believe someone is doing their best, and their best isn’t good enough, either immediately or long term, I can make decisions with a better understanding of what that person is capable of, AND my own best interest in mind.

Has your view on this topic changed over time? How does your belief about this facet of humanity serve you?