Today I booked it out of work immediately, so I could stop by Costco on the way home. I grabbed some frozen stuff, and was home by 4:30pm. I helped the 15yo take the bearded dragon out to to enjoy the sunshine and drink some water (and poop, he poops in the water after he drinks it). Then I prepped dinner, so the husband could start it while I was driving the baseball carpool. I was back by 6:30ish, I finished up dinner just in time for us to eat as a family at 7pm.
It all worked, but every minute between the dismissal bell and 7pm had to executed near perfectly for it to work. It feels like more and more of afternoons are like this, and while there is a certain satisfaction to achieving everything (many times I’m fitting in a workout before I prep dinner), I don’t actually believe a schedule that intense is feasible for me even a couple days a week, long term. I just don’t think that I thrive on fitting that amount of stuff into most afternoons.
This doesn’t surprise me. I frequently read some people’s blogs and think wow, they are literally using every second to advance a goal. That is admirable! And I’m exhausted just reading about it.
And yes, I know I get a lot done. I just don’t think I can keep up the kind of precision required to make it all fit more than one day a week, and right now it feels like I’m having to do that 2 or 3 days a week.
I keep telling myself that it’s a season – namely baseball season – and that it will be over soon. And maybe that is true. But maybe baseball season will turn into another season, and another, until it’s spring and I’m melting into a puddle on the floor.
It seems like the solution is to do less, but of what? Less working out is definitely an option. I’ve already whittled my weekday workout times from 45-60 minutes during the summer to mostly 30 minutes now. I still haven’t perfected the, get home, get changed, get started in five minutes like some bloggers I know who seem to wake up, change, workout, and shower in 45 minutes most mornings. Maybe I pull a weekly workout, but commit to longer workouts two other days, then I’m not just saving the time I workout, but the prep time, stretch time, and shower time too.
I’ve already set up a baseball carpool, which has been helpful, but the reality is I probably spend more time overall driving (many of the kids live much farther away than I do), that I would if I were just picking my kid up (and letting him walk home some days, because it’s not that far). I don’t feel like I can renege on the carpool agreement at this point, but I definitely wish I hadn’t committed to my current level of participation. The season is over in mid-October, so it’s only for another month regardless.
I am definitely over compensating for the husband’s overwhelm, stepping in when it’s clear he is struggling. That needs to stop. If he doesn’t have the bandwidth to make us dinner most evenings, then we both just figure out what we’re going to eat, instead of me jumping in to take over. (I already make the kids’ dinners on the nights we don’t eat together as a family.) Making dinner is one of his only consistent chores and right now he’s not doing it much. I don’t really care if I eat yogurt and granola or throw together a quesadilla for myself most nights, so I’m not going to offer to make us both a more “proper” dinner when he’s feeling like he can’t manage it.
Planning our weeks out definitely helps in some ways, but I it’s since we’ve been doing the weekly planning, that I’ve been finding myself in the middle of marathon afternoons where one wrong move and I’m totally off course. Maybe, instead of planning my week to figure out how I’ll fit it all in, I should be planning my week to see what I can leave out.
There are other stressors too. The 15yo has more homework than last year. She is struggling to determine her comfort level with her club swim commitment. She’s also had a gnarly cold for over a week now, which isn’t helping.
The 11yo has more homework than ever before, AND is at baseball practice or games 1.5 – 2 hours every afternoon. He’s even missing his last 1-2 periods twice a week for said games (most of that time is spent on public transit commuting to the games), so he has make up work on top of his regular homework in those classes. He’s missing one class two out of the three times it meets every week! He has a very viscerally negative reaction to homework, so everyone suffers when he’s forced to get it done.
And then there is my commitment at the dojo. This one is hard to let go. I feel an obligation to be available there, but I’ve also communicated what days are hard for me to come in and so far they’ve been really respectful of those boundaries.
It doesn’t help that I’m not loving the way I look right now. I think I’ve finally stabilized at about 8-10 pounds above where I was before I lost hyperthyroid weight. My thyroid function is at the low end of normal in all metrics, but my doctor has countered my concerns with talk of “portion control” and honestly that just shuts me down. I already know how to watch portion control, and I’m loath to take up any habits that might invite my old disordered eating to the table, so I’m trying hard to just accept that this is where I’m going to be, and wearing the clothes I own that don’t make me feel physically uncomfortable in this new body. Still, countering old narratives around body image and self worth, and managing the emotions inspired by all that is a drain on my reserves, to be sure, especially since I feel like I have no control over how much I weigh right now. It’s a hard place to be.
Worrying about my bunion is also NOT HELPING. I’m so mad at myself for letting it progress as far as it did. I definitely noticed it a while ago – I just didn’t realize what exactly I was noticing. I keep trying to be grateful that I caught it when I did, and that I can probably halt its progression, but I’m still mostly pissed off about it.
Ugh, I don’t want to end this post this way. It’s not all negative I swear!
I’m stronger right now that I’ve maybe ever been. I regularly push the resistance above the suggested range on the bike, and I’m lifting heavier weights than what is recommended in the strength training classes. I have never been this strong, maybe in my whole life, and that is not something I take for granted after all those months of getting weaker this spring.
I do have some cute summer clothes I’ve been able to style nicely in these first weeks of school. I’ve been trying to dress a little more professionally to start the year, and I’ve had enough outfits that I enjoy wearing. It’s definitely helping me accept the weight gain.
The 15yo and I went to the mall this past weekend to kill time while the 11yo was at a birthday party at Dave & Busters. She didn’t initially want to go, but we ended up having a really great time together, tooling around and being silly. It was a lot of fun.
There are more positives, but it’s already 11pm and I should get to bed. Mostly I wrote this post for myself, as a reality check, because it’s easy to look at my current schedule and see that I’m “doing it all,” without recognizing the toll it’s taking. If I accept how it’s making me feel early in the year, I have a greater chance of making changes and avoiding overwhelm. At least that is the hope.
Oof. Life can feel so overwhelming sometimes, and it sounds like you’re in an especially stressful season. Your kids have high needs — they can’t drive yet, but they’re old enough to have big commitments (baseball, homework, later bedtimes). On top of that, you’re juggling a high-pressure job with constant deadlines. You want to fit in exercise and healthier habits, but to do everything at 100% would require life to run perfectly — and, unfortunately, it never does. Every single minute would have to be accounted for. That’s just not sustainable.
We’re not machines, and eventually we burn out from even trying to keep up. It’s hard — really hard. And every situation is unique. It’s so tempting to look at someone else’s routine and try to superimpose it onto our own. But every life has its own perks and drawbacks. Sometimes noticing what we feel “jealous” of in another person’s setup can be a clue to what really matters most to us.
From your post, I think the biggest pressure point might be meals. They’re relentless — day after day, the planning and prep can feel like the final straw. If I were in your shoes, I’d give myself permission to go ultra-basic for a few weeks. Think: grilled cheese with pre-cut veggies. Boxed mac and cheese with a bagged salad. Yogurt, granola, and fruit. Scrambled egg wraps. Just rotate through a handful of easy, quasi-balanced “default” meals that take almost no planning.
Sending hugs. This really does sound exhausting. And it feels hard because…it is hard!!!!
I agree with Elisabeth’s comment above- it is a hard phase when the kids have a lot of commitments but can’t drive yet. I’m in that phase with my daughter and I feel like I’m ALWAYS driving her and her friends around. One of her friends should get a license soon, so that will help some, but still. It’s hard, and I only have one kid to deal with!
I agree I don’t like when I feel like I’m using every single second of the day efficiently to manage everything. It’s okay if some days are like that, but not all the time. It’s interesting how some people really do it all the time- that sounds exhausting to me.
Anyway… the thyroid/weight thing sounds hard with no great answers- other than to wear clothes you feel comfortable in! Which you’re already doing.
Oh, and dinners… forget it. I would be happy never to cook another dinner in my life.
Like the simplify dinner ideas. That might help esp if you can serve the same meal two days in a row. With some families that is a no go but for others it is ok.
The Dojo seems to be your time for you and vital to dealing with the stresses in your life. Four more weeks sounds easier than I suspect it will be in reality and after baseball what will take that place? May be everyone in family should talk at a meeting about what can be simplified? IF your family can do such a thing without stresses increasing.
Don’t know about all states but think in CA there are VERY serious driving laws about other people in car with (is it the first two years of driving ) teens? Am well out of that issue, but I think it is critical and impacts insurance costs and liability as well as the law. So the elder being able to drive may not really help unless there is another car (EXPENSE) and that means more insurance costs and risk exposure. SCARY!! So. But I am sure you are way more up-to-date on that than I am.