A couple weeks ago, my husband admitted that he was really struggling, and asked for support. He said he really unhappy, and that while there were many things contributing to his distress, one thing that was definitely contributing was that he was burnt out on cooking. I immediately tried to be supportive, and suggested that we talk about ways we could take some cooking off his plate. I also blurted out that I would start cooking a couple of times a week.
Immediately after saying this, I regretted it. Even as I was saying it, I knew it was the wrong move, but it was like I couldn’t stop myself. My husband was saying he was tired of cooking, and it’s a woman’s job to cook anyway, so I should just step up and do it. Something inside me compelled me to participate in that narrative by saying I would start preparing more meals.
By Monday my husband seemed a lot better, and while I did mention that I would attempt to make dinner one time that week, it never ended up happening. This was the week where I nearly careened off a cliff myself before my son’s birthday weekend, so my husband didn’t really bring it up.
But I raised the topic again this week, saying that I wanted to circle back and revisit ways we could take some cooking off his plate. When we talk again, I’m going to be much more mindful about what I offer to take on.
I have to say though, I don’t really trust my ability to be objective when it comes to this stuff. I feel like, when my husband communicates that he’s overwhelmed, my first instinct it always to take on more stuff. There is a part of me that absolutely still believes I should be able to manage everything, or that I should be able to do when my husband is in crisis. I also know that if I take on too much I start to feel resentment, anger, and envy (did you know resentment is actually a form of envy?! I did not (I thought it was a form of anger) but it makes so much sense!)
I also notice that when my husband does something that was traditionally one of my roles, I experience a lot of conflicting emotions that prevent me from just appreciating that he took something off my plate. For example, last week he made appointments for the kids to get their flu shots with him at a nearby Walgreens (I got mine at a doctor’s appointment in October). He made the appointments, did all the paper work, and got them there on time. All I did was drop them off after he realized the bus was all messed up and they would have been late if they waited for it.
It was probably the first time I was not with my kids when they got a shot, and the first time he managed their medical care so completely. He took over a portion of the “emotional labor” that I wish I didn’t have to bear alone, and yet I felt guilty that he was doing something I usually did, and was immediately considering ways I could take something off his plate. I have been drinking the patriarchy’s Kool-aid for so long, I don’t even know how to be objective anymore.
The cooking stuff is even more complicated for a number of reasons. My hatred of cooking, and my acceptance of reheated prepacked meals, form just the tip of an iceberg that balloons under the surface into my history of eating disorders, and my shame around my “selective” eating. It would be one thing if I could just say I want nothing to do with preparing the veggies we get every week in our CSA box, but adults SHOULD eat fresh fruits and veggies, so my desires don’t even feel valid objectively. There is no area of shared labor where I feel less capable of being objective and standing my ground than cooking.
UPDATE (I started writing this post over the weekend, and am coming back to it mid-week): When I asked if we could talk about alleviating some of his stress in the kitchen, I brought up some of my confusion around his request. Would he like to just not cook some days, and we “scrounge” (as we call it when we each just find something to eat) those days? Or would he like me to make something, anything (no strings attached) a couple days a week? Or is he hoping I will incorporate the weekly CSA box produce when I cook, because otherwise he’ll still have the stress of using all of it before it goes bad? He honestly hadn’t thought about any of those specifics and appreciated me articulating them. I think by asking them, he realized how fraught the issue was for me, and we landed on me doing more dishes (yes! he also does most of the dishes!). But I also asked that we revisit the issue after a couple weeks in case it feels like too much for me. I will also make sure I’m the one making the kids dinners moving forward.
I’m honestly not sure if I’m taking on too much again, or if this is more fair (or if I’m helping my husband in a way he really needs right now). Again, I just don’t trust myself to be objective on this stuff. But at least we are talking about it, and I’m catching myself when I’m spilling the Kool-aid all over my own marriage, and managing to clean up some of the mess.
I’m really impressed by the follow up conversation conversation you had with your husband. I do almost 100 percent of the cooking in our family and if my husband offers to cook it’s going to be something like plain pasta or something else crazy simple, which to him feels like he’s doing something nice but to me feels like, well not taking much off my plate because I could have done that also and it would have been a lot easier compared to making something nice. But it just can’t be plain pasta every night…. And he some how makes a million dishes so it’s not really the help he seems to think it is. Our kids are crazy picky eaters with some food issues thrown in the mix so it’s just tough.
I work less hours than my husband so it makes sense that I do more house stuff and kid stuff but I guess I just wish he would be more appreciative. I think he doesn’t realize the shear amount of effort to keep everyone alive and says stuff like oh the house is so messy and then quickly says “not that you have to clean, obviously I could do it” but just ….doesn’t. He does do some things like virtually all the bills and some dishes it’s just not even close to half or even 75 percent.
I don’t know. Every time I try to shuffle stuff off my plate onto him it just doesn’t go well. So getting stuff off my plate works best when it just doesn’t get done or I pay some one (like getting groceries delivered- I think we are going to do that forever). I wish there was a better way to off load more things but not on to my spouse.
I am the one who always cooks dinner and I really dislike that. I do get home from work sooner so it makes sense but there is such a huge mental load in meal planning, grocery shopping, and putting it all together night after night. It helps us to use a meal service like Blue Apron because then the planning and grocery shopping are done for us for three dinners a week. We don’t use it every week but it helps me from getting burned out. He washes the dishes which helps, but really that is a much easier mental job.
My husband bemoans the mental load of being the dinner planner/preparer as well, and I was thinking about that as I suggested ways I might take things off his plate. I also know that it has been hard for us to split mental load stuff because then we have to sit down together to plan and we are SHIT at that. I’m curious, what would you like your husband to offer to do? Would planning and preparing one meal a week be helpful, or would you just be annoyed if he tried to make some bullshit pasta dish like I would probably make because that doesn’t require much planning or prepping? Would incorporating one of the veggies from a CSA box help? The last thing I want to do is ask you to do more work by thinking about this, but as the one who does NOT cook I would love to know how I might better help when my husband really needs it.
Also, I’m curious if you’d feel so much dislike about the mental load of dinner if you had less mental load on your plate (ha!) I take on most (I would have said all before my husband started doing mornings alone) that isn’t dinner, which feels like a fair trade off, but maybe it’s not. I honestly might not know…
I get most annoyed when I feel I always have to do something. If he does something at least once in a while I am less annoyed. I think meal planning where we make a list of dinner ideas and make sure we have ingredients helps. I don’t want a strict day by day plan but having a few I know we have supplies for helps.
My husband is getting my son off to school and making his lunch every day so it isn’t that he does nothing. I would definitely not be ok with a completely unequal situation.
I feel this SO hard. Yesterday I was texting my husband about the COVID vaccine for our kids and asking his opinion on it (I’m crazy hesitant b/c I’m one of the people that got WAY sicker from the vaccine – both shots – than from when I had COVID), and even THAT felt like crazy letting go of the reins of medical decision making for our kids…something that drives me nuts that I’m the one who always handles all of it, yet even asking for his input felt weird. Ha! It’s amazing how ingrained in us it is.
The dinner thing is hard. I’ve been the 99% preparer of meals for a long time (he’ll do breakfast for dinner once a month but that’s about it)…BUT, he just came home with a new flat top grill last month, and it has drastically changed things. He LOVES the damn thing and is so excited to try cooking x, y, and z on it that he’s actually participated a lot in making dinners lately. I still have to come up with what we’re eating, but he’ll grill up the burgers and veggies or whatever on the flat top which reduced that part of time and clean up for me, which has been nice. I’m still doing the vast majority, but it’s kinda nice to have him participating more lately. Hopefully that continues even when there’s snow on the ground.
My husband was logged into the Kaiser appointment portal and made their Covid vaccine appointments this morning! And it’s for next weekend when I’m away! It’s really chaffing, all the vaccinating he’s doing with our kids. 😉
I’m glad your husband is participating more in the dinner making – I hope the trend continues. I think one way to get out of a big task is to truly not care about it’s execution at all. Of course that isn’t possible for most people around eating. I am an outlier on this one I think.
My husband will often cook one dish but he basically never takes ownership of the entire meal. He likes to cook more elaborate dishes than I do so then he doesn’t bother to think about vegetables. Or setting the table. It drives me crazy. But his food is really good! I also have guilt when he “steps up.” For example, he so rarely takes both kids somewhere so I feel like I owe him when he does. It’s hard for me me too just appreciate the calm.
Also, oh my gosh, cancel the CSA box!!!! I like to cook and those are an enormous source of stress for me and I always regret it whenever I subscribe to one. Go to the supermarket and buy a small amount of vegetables that are easy to prepare. Use frozen peas. Do not let your husband torture himself with this box!!!!
Agree with quit the veggie box. Esp for the winter when sometimes what is in the box is … more work to cook. Most of the “Blue Apron style boxed meals” still require someone to do the kitchen prep and most make one meal servings for your family of 4 each night. SO that doesn’t actually help much.
You might look into a cook who would come to the house once or twice a month and make several meals for the week. I have heard of some people for whom that works. Know other people have found cooking places that do ‘prepackaged meals’ that you pick up, take home, return containers when get next meal. These of course cost money.
Is your family happy to have the same meal basically two night in a row? OR 3? So the second or third meals are just warm ups? Some families do this happily others do NOT. Casserole type dishes work really well for this, or stews!
OR just budget for take out meals 2xs a week (everyone has to be willing to eat from the same place!)
I am very impressed by the way you are returning to the problem and continuing to narrow down precisely what help is needed.
Your children are actually old enough to take on table setting and dish-washing or loading and emptying dishwasher if you use one … with a parent in attendance. I think this is important for both children so they are competent adults when they leave the house. IS your daughter old enough to start cooking one night a week? Varies by specific child, but around 12 CAN be a time when some are ready. I think it is important for every graduating high schooler to be able to completely plan, prepare and clean up after at least 7 different dinners. But that is harder for some families than others. Real need for family participation in this sort of thing helps make it happen. (It is hard work at first but the investment pays off. Like making beds and dealing with laundry and putting away belongings. Tedious, hard, time intensive effort before the pay off.)
I am so impressed by the team work your husband is doing….. several years back I didn’t think he could and now he simply does. A lot of change that helps all of you. And you have clearly changed your communication patterns … VERY impressively.
I second the idea above about having the same thing several nights a week. I do most of the cooking and meal planning at my house. But I enjoy doing it, partly because it means I get to eat what I’m in the mood for, rather than having to consult with anyone else. Plus, I only really cook once a week. The way that I’ve made it manageable is to cook a lot of something (soup, stew, stir fry, filling for burritos, etc) on Sunday night. We usually eat that on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday. We eat something more cobbled-together on Monday and Wednesday (veggie burgers, mac and cheese, etc.). And we go out to eat (or order in) on Fridays and Saturdays.
I definitely empathize with the desire to jump in and fix things when your spouse says that they are struggling. And it’s tough for me to notice when I really need to NOT do that, because it will lead to ME struggling and/or feeling resentful. So good for you for noticing that this time around!
I was wondering, in what way are you a selective eater? In my understanding selective eaters have very limited diets (like 10-15 items). You’ve mentioned burritos a few times (which my picky eater and selective eater would never ever eat) and also going to a restaurant so I never thought you were a selective eater. Or were you describing something else?