The husband is out of town this week. The in-laws are also still gone, which means I am really and truly going it alone until the weekend.
My kids are older, so really it’s not that bad. And yet… it’s only Wednesday and I’m exhausted. Every night I do EVERYTHING I need to for the next day, I do all the dishes and I make sure everything is in the upstairs fridge that I need for breakfasts and lunches, I double check that the kids’ bags are completely packed, I put the two cans of cat food and two clean bowls out on the counter. I even lay my entire outfit (undergarments and all) out on the couch in our bedroom and put my shoes and socks on the stairs before I go to bed each night.
The husband is usually at home with the 12yo in the mornings, and when he’s gone the in-laws usually come in the mornings to help him get ready for school. With everyone away, I am waking him up earlier than normal, and making sure his breakfast is made before I go. I also have to feed the cats, and make sure Serval doesn’t steal food from his sister. (Feeding the cats is a whole thing in our house.) This means I’m leaving the house 15ish minutes later than usual, which means I’m hitting way more traffic than usual, especially at the end when I get close to school. Instead of having 45 minutes of prep time before my classes start, I’m only getting 10-15 minutes.
This means I’m using my time even more wisely at school than I usually do. Every moment that I’m not actively teaching, I am prepping something. I am always writing something on the board, or opening a slide deck I need, or scoring work, or returning it to student hanging files. I am literally using every minute at work to be ready for what is coming.
I am always planning what I’m going to do and when I’m going to do it at home. What will dinner be tonight and when will I make it? When can I return the last pair of Nike pants? When can I check my credit card statement to make sure all the other returns have gone through? Where will the 12yo and I have dinner when we have to bring the 15yo to her winter concert 1.5 hours before it starts? My brain is constantly managing logistics.
And you know what? I’m managing a lot. And I’m doing a pretty decent job. So why don’t I employ these strategies all the time? Because it’s NOT SUSTAINABLE. I could never keep this up long term. If I were a true solo parent (my hats off to them!) I would have to create totally different systems that do not require this amount of energy and attention.
It reminds me of when we did a major clean up of the house, and I vowed to pick up everything, every day, so that it continued to look immaculate. Surely if I picked up the daily mess as it happened, it wouldn’t take that long to keep it up! I lasted about a week before I realized that it actually takes WAY LONGER to pick up every day than it does to do a sweep at the of the week. Keeping the house pristine requires a crazy amount of work every day, but living with some mess, and then picking up more stuff on the weekend, was a lot easier to manage.
So far I’ve kept all the balls in the air. I’m a little worried that I won’t make it to Saturday before something comes crashing down, either because of exhaustion or because past successes make me complacent.
I’ve been writing this for over 24 hours. The fact that I’m finishing it right now feels like a miracle. I definitely paused correcting tests to get it done, mostly because it kept nagging at my, unfinished, and I figured being able to cross it off my list would help me move forward more efficiently with other tasks.
And now I’m going to do just that. On to other tasks!
A gentle reminder that part of the beauty of having kids this age is that they can (and should!) step up and help more with daily house & personal tasks as well. Sometimes I make my kids breakfast, but if it’s a crazy morning, they are totally capable of making their own and it’s no big deal. They are in charge of dishes. And their laundry. Get the family team to help you! It sounds like you’re crushing it this week (which is also a good feeling short term), but like you said, it’s not sustainable. You’ve got this!
Kudos to you for making it through a busy week and keeping everything afloat. It does sound completely unsustainable though, and I hope you get a chance to recover when your husband comes home and that the kids are being reasonably helpful. My kids are younger, but I’ve noticed sometimes when my husband is out of town they are weirdly more helpful or willing to chip in? Not sure why that is, but maybe they sense I can use all the help I can get.
I grew up in a single parent household, and yes, what you are doing is too much for one person long term. We cooked for the family at least 2 nights a week from about 6th grade. We had daily and weekly chores, including dusting and vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, a weekly kitchen deep clean, and dishes after dinner. We did our own laundry from about 5th or 6th grade. We did not participate in after school activities unless we could get ourselves there and home. We were responsible for our own breakfast and lunch from about 4th grade. We were very independent, but that wasn’t terribly uncommon for my friends (except for the cooking, I think we were the only ones who did that so often.)
Did I carry any of that forward when raising my own daughter? No, not really. She had chores, but not as many. She did not have to cook. She did have to get her own breakfast and lunch from about 6th grade. She’s an adult now and still lives with us, and she has more chores, cooks at least 1 night a week, and pays some household bills. But we don’t charge her rent. She did attend after school activities, our schedules were more flexible and we could drive her.
I’m glad that you are managing so well. I’ll bet when your husband gets home, you will be relieved to have the help!
BTW, when I say we cooked, the food was often barely edible at first. My mom was a trooper!
I was the single parent mom in the type of household J describes. The kids HAD to step up and they simply did. My kids were a solid part of all household activities and absolutely cooking just like J on a regular basis. They were also totally prepared to be fully independent as a result when they went off to college and were on their own for cooking cleaning, shopping, etc.
Being a single parent full time is easier than being a single parent only occasionally.
I believe you are absolutely right, easier to do it full time and have a system set up, rather than to have the system set up for two adults and then find yourself missing one.
I don’t actually believe that being a single parent full time is easier than being a single parent only occasionally. Sure, maybe that one week feels harder than a random week of the single parenting, but cumulatively, it’s gotta be harder to be a single parent.
Hooooo boyyyyhyy this is right up my alley.
You know it is b/c I complain about solo parenting all the time!!!
My kids do chores every night as they suck at it but still-still- it’s good to have them pick up the living room, the den, sweep the kitchen floor, put away their own laundry. Absolutely doable! Do they bitch and moan? Of course. Do i yell? You bet.
There are no in-laws or may parents since they live far away (Tony- Maine, mine-Russia).
It sucks, it really does. If the week that Tony is away is my luteal phase, god help everyone.
You have my wholehearted solidarity!!
I didn’t write much about it, but my kids are doing a lot! I am just also doing a lot! And you have it much worse when you’re solo parenting to be sure. Your kids are way younger and you do it way more. This just happens to be a crazy week to be solo parenting and I really just want it to be winter break already.
This sounds rough. When I have a full plate, the house work is always the first thing to go. To the point of ridiculousness.
When my gang was tiny, Coach worked stupid long hours and came home after kids were in bed and dinner was done and all the kids were driven back and forth to their stuff. It was rarely pretty and I’d beat myself up when they were in bed if I lost my cool and I’d sometimes sort of resent how Daddy got to be the fun guy while I was spread way too thin for one person. I do not miss feeling like that, but a lot of the time we had fun and the kids did grow to appreciate that I was juggling a ton. Now that most of the kids can drive and do their own thing, Coach is home every night in the late afternoon. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Ha.
Hang in there!
My husband was not super involved when the kids were young and I had a LOT of big feelings about it. When I think back on all I did back then… I must have had a lot more energy than I do now. I feel better now that my loooong work day is over. Two behavior issues were absent from my last block period which really helped me get through.