24 Hours

My husband and I are about to get 24 hours of together time. Without the kids.

It’s been a while since we’ve had this. A couple of months maybe? I know some people go years without a night out alone (how they manage to keep their marriage strong without one I DON’T know), but we try to take advantage of living close to my parents and take a 24-hour date night every once in a while. When it’s been over two months, it feels like it’s been a long time.

Things between my husband and I have deteriorated somewhat in the last month, which has been very stressful. I’m worried that it will take so long for both of us to decompress that we won’t manage to reconnect in any significant way, but hopefully the decompressing will happen, at least.

Of course my husband still has his man-cold, and my throat has felt scratchy for almost 24 hours now, so I’m worried I’ll come down with it at any point. I’ve watched four people I know get some intense laryngitis in the past couple of weeks, and my husband’s cold had it, so I’m really worried I’m going to start feeling horrible any minute now. Laryngitis always gets me.

My husband also rammed his knee into a wall (don’t ask, I didn’t) and is now limping around like a middle schooler trying to get out of PE. (Yes, I know, I’m not a very kind, nurturing wife.) So yeah, we’ll see how this date night goes.

The good news is tomorrow we are going mezcal tasting with my friend and her husband and I’m really excited about it. I love going out with my husband and other couples, because I am reminded how incredibly smart and funny he is when he’s being himself for other people. It’s almost like I get to see him through someone else’s eyes when we’re out with other people, which allows me to look past so many of our entrenched issues and remind me why I fell in love with him in the first place. If I manage to stay well until tomorrow afternoon, it could be just what our marriage needs right now.

Because the entrenched issues remain, well, entrenched. I haven’t brought up how hurt I was by my husband’s behavior on Wednesday: he DID sulk for most of the evening, finally declaring that he didn’t appreciate that I asked him to do pick up to teach him a lesson. Actually, what I said was I hoped it would help him better understand my perspective surrounding pick-up, but hey, I guess we hear what we want to hear. We definitely need to talk if that is what he heard.

And yet, I don’t want to talk. Or better said, I don’t know what to say. Even if I figured out what to say, I wouldn’t know how to say it. I wish I saw a therapist so I could go over all this stuff with her, and show up to a discussion with my husband armed with all the right phrases. I KNOW that how you say something is more important than even what you’re saying, at least sometimes, and I know I SUCK at saying things the right way. And honestly, I’m not even sure what I’d like to get out of a conversation like that anymore. It feels like we’ve had that conversation SO MANY times, and it doesn’t seem to get us anywhere. It’s hard not to feel hopeless about making any progress on that front.

Then again, maybe I’m not giving him, or us, enough credit. Things have changed, just very, very slowly. And I suppose every one of those conversations moved us incrementally towards positive growth. Still, each one has also taken its toll. It’s hard to know if we’re coming out ahead.

I try to remember how good things felt between us, just one month ago. When I can get a hold of that feeling, I know it’s worth talking it out. I just wish I had the right words ready when the time comes.

3 Comments

  1. Tell him you did not intend the pick up thing to be vindictive and that you appreciate how hard it is to do things when sick because you feel that way too when sick.
    Really hope you both feel well enough to get to enjoy the time together without kids and that you get to go out with friends.
    These date times are really important for everyone but you two particularly benefit from them because there really is so very much stress in both your lives.
    Thank you for writing today. You helped me.

  2. We go out for dinner as a couple with some frequency but rarely does our son sleep somewhere else. Every two months sounds amazing. Honestly, what I want though, is a weekend in my house with my son or my husband. My husband has had that multiple times but I really don’t see it happening for me.

    Good luck trying to talk about these subjects. It’s really hard. I certainly haven’t mastered it.

  3. This is a really good post – I think every woman can relate. Deciding what to say, how to say it, and if it should even be said. I felt like you were in my head.

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