When I was a kid a lot was made of my birthday. My summer birthday was celebrate multiple times – in May with my classmates, on my actual birthday in July, and later in the summer with other cousins whose birthdays fell in June, July or August.
My birthday was always a big deal. I expected it to be celebrated. I expected gifts and special events. I expected, kind of, a lot.
Gift giving was also important to me. I took great care in giving gifts, and I felt gift giving was one of my “love languages.”
And then I started sharing my life with a man who didn’t give gifts and didn’t celebrate birthdays.
It took a LONG time but I eventually became a person who didn’t want to do much for her birthday, and didn’t look forward to gift giving obligations (I eventually came to dread them).
My husband’s birthday is four days after mine, so I’m always acutely aware of what I have to do to “match ir surpass” his efforts. It’s usually nothing and I’m generally relieved. Since Mother’a Day is a month before Father’s Day this is always the case. After 13 years I appreciate the time and energy saved by not celebrating or gift giving on holidays or birthdays. It just doesn’t mean what it used to for me anymore.
The reality of how much my attitude towards birthdays and gift giving has changed has been really apparent in recent years, as my friends have taken on the task of celebrating my birthday. My 40th birthday happened last summer during the pandemic and my friend hosted a celebration in her backyard, despite it being very inconvenient for her at the time.
This year they are doing it again, trying to make up for the 40th blow out I couldn’t have by really doing up my 41st. They got all sorts of special things for me to enjoy today, little things they know I love. And everything is about me, about my day and about celebrating it (even though this a joint summer trip that all of us are a part of). I’m so unaccustomed to all the attention that it’s actually a little hard. Which honestly feels crazy to me; there was a time when the lack of fanfare around my birthday was so hard for me to handle – I believed that caring about it was a fundamental part of who I was (some people just CARED about their birthdays and others did not, I believed). But I’ve done a complete 180* and now I would maybe prefer my birthday be all but forgotten. I don’t mind that it’s mostly just another day – I kind of appreciate it. But now I have friends who want to celebrate it, and I’m not sure if I like doing that anymore. I’ve maybe switched sides on the “caring about my birthday” part of my identity I previously believed was intractable.
All this to say, today is my birthday and I’m turning 41 and my friends are celebrating me and I am appreciative and feel loved and I also have other complicated feelings about it. I’m not ungrateful, just a little confused.
Here’s to everyone on their birthday.
How do you feel about celebrating your birthday?
Interesting! I like celebrating my Birthday (because when else can I celebrate myself?) but not in an over-the-top way. I haven’t had any big parties or anything. I’m not sure how I’d feel if my friends put something like that together—I think I’d love it TBH.]
My husband prefers not to have a big deal made. His birthday is next weekend, I should get a card.
Happy Birthday to you! Hope it turns out well 🙂
Gifts are not so important to me on holidays, what I really really appreciate is my kids making time to be with me and for me to see my grands. My children’s generation is all so super busy and overworked and getting to be around them is totally the biggest treat of all. My grands are hitting their ‘peer group time needs’ stage and beginning to have jobs so it is hard for them to have free time too. I am so lucky when it is possible to see my family. It totally isn’t about a big deal event, it is the little times and normal life things that are so very important and my kids make those happen when it is possible.
I love going out for dinner/drinks with friends on my birthday, and I’m trying to get a small girls’ trip together for my 40th, but I really don’t care about gifts at all (giving or receiving). DEFINITELY not my love language. HBD to you, though!
It’s hard for me to fathom not wanting anything at all for my birthday. I usually like to do a dinner with my husband and maybe parents and siblings too and would love to receive a few gifts but don’t expect much. I had a party (around 30 people) for both my 30th and 40th birthdays and really loved both but definitely don’t feel the need to have a party or even celebrate with friends every year. I’m glad you have come to be ok with not having anything for your birthday but it still makes me sad that your husband refuses to do ANYTHING. I just can’t fathom thinking that’s ok or being happy to not acknowledge his own day in any way. Like the pieces don’t connect for me. How can you ignore Mother’s Day and your wife’s birthday? I’m happy your friends are celebrating you this year!
Hmm interesting. I am not huge on birthdays especially gifts (I have a terrible memory for this sort of thing) and save most of my energy for kids ( mine, friends and extended family). But my husband does like gifts so I try to do something even though it feels a little pointless since we share $. I really like going out to dinner with my husband or a small group, that’s perfect for me but the pandemic has made that hard. I guess it is really one of those things where aligning expectations is what matters most?