I’m at that place where things feel like they are spilling into, and past, the margins. My margins are always smaller than I’d like, the spaces available to push things when plans change, are never what I need them to be. That is one of the reasons I have such a hard time stopping when I’m sick, because if I do it feels like a conveyor belt of shit will just pile on top of me, and getting out from under the pile of shit later will be way worse than continuing to take things of it while I feel tired and overwhelmed.
Because the conveyor belt never stops. It just pushing things at me and I feel like most of the time I barely have the capacity to take them off and put them where they go. So I just throw shit all over the place and then later look around and realize my whole life is a mess.
This conveyor belt metaphor feels really apt right now. It absolutely captures the way my life feels, and the fact that I just can’t keep up.
This is also the time of year where it feels like I’m doing so much for other people, making sure that their expectations are met. Half the stuff coming at me on the conveyor belt isn’t even destined for me, it’s for others. And some of those people (::cough:: my husband and kids ::cough::) aren’t doing much, if anything for me. It’s not that I want anyone to get my anything, it can just be depleting when it all flows out, and so little is flowing in.
But my family is helping in other ways. And I need to keep sight of that. And remember that some things coming at me on the belt are my choice entirely, things I could opt out of entirely too (::cough:: martial arts ::cough::)
It’s now Sunday morning. I started this post on the bus to the dojo yesterday, and never had time to finish it. But that is because I chose to start wrapping presents early, instead of writing this post, or scoring assessments, or grading projects, or decluttering, or even just watching TV. And now and bulk of my wrapping is done a week early! And I’ll have more time on the 23rd, when my kids are at my parents’ house, to decompress.
Maybe, just maybe, the conveyor belt will slow down a little.
Four more days until the winter break.
I love doing the things for other people. I love buying the gifts, making the cookies, and arranging the outings to see lights. But I’d love just two hours of guilt-free time on the couch. Oh, well. I guess I’ll get that someday after the holidays. You’re not alone with the craziness – it’s a busy time of year.
that photo made me laugh out loud. But still there is a tinge of sadness. Mothers take on so much, and I, too, feel like I’m struggling with ALL the expectations the society puts on me. But I cut down a great deal. But still, a work in progress.
I finally learned to STOP everything at least 24 hrs, but 48 hrs was better, before ‘Christmas’ started. If it wasn’t done it didn’t happen. And life went on and I too got to enjoy the holiday. Make your own arbitrary ‘stop and enjoy’ time frame. Then honor it.
Best wishes!!!
What an apt metaphor! I’d been feeling this way lately with the countdown to the holidays, the holiday related work stuff, the gifts, thinking of everyone who needs to be thought of by mid month as much as possible. I’ve stayed on meds since September to fend off the also-conveyor belt of germs and thankfully it’s helped just enough for me to feel some symptoms but not completely fall apart and STILL need to power through. Most of the gifts are done now, even with several unplanned-for gifts to make happen, but there’s still quite a lot to do before school gets out. We’ll reschedule the non critical stuff to after the new year so I can focus on getting my work done and everyone where they need to be. May the next few weeks be kind to us!
I love doing things for other people, but it stings when little is done for you for sure. My boyfriend is currently unemployed (laid off after 20 years with the same company) and borrowed money from me to buy me a Christmas present….only it wasn’t done for Christmas…his kids love me but don’t even think to get HIM a present. They go along when I say let’s get your dad something but don’t initiate it. My dad no longer has his mind….And I know I’ll love it when I get the gift from my boyfriend, and I would rather have their love than the pile of gifts I’ve gotten over the years, but when you feel all “meh” about celebrating to begin with…and are pushing to do everything for everyone else when all you want to do is curl up in a ball..it stings. I feel you.
Ugh. This sounds hard… and the conveyor belt metaphor is so FITTING when it feels like the day doesn’t have enough hours. I hope you were able to get some of that energy back over the holidays. With gender equality and all, so much still hinges on the women in our families. Why is that?