I’ve been thinking a lot about leaving San Francisco. I don’t really think it will happen, because inertia is a motherf*cker especially when only one half of a whole is fighting against it, but I think about it a lot. And I’m coming to realize that it’s not just about leaving a school district I have absolutely no faith in, it’s also about how tenuous my sense of community feels here.
When everything locked down, people had to choose who they were going to see because more contacts, even outside, socially distanced, with masks on, meant more possible exposure. We were incredibly lucky that our kids’ friends’ families were comfortable with outside socialization and were taking the same precautions as we were otherwise. My daughter has seen three friends regularly (always outside, socially distanced, with masks on) since last summer and my son has seen one friend (who is really his only friend at this point). Those relationships sustained us during the past nine months. I really can’t overstate how important they were to our overall well being.
{And I know many people have not been able to see anyone for the last year and the prospect of that is terrifying to me. I know those people have had a much harder time of all this than I have.}
Now, as things open up, I’m reminded that those people have broader communities they want to be a part of. Now that grandparents are vaccinated, and friends are more comfortable meeting outside, our tight knit community is loosening. Sometimes it feels like it’s unraveling.
Knowing that my daughter’s friends will likely attend a different middle school feels like someone is holding a piece of fabric of my community and waiting to pull it all apart. It’s scary.
We were seeing my son’s friend 3-4 times a week until his grandparents were fully vaccinated. Now we’ve been told they can see us once a week, otherwise things get too hectic. They have other families and friends to visit and fill their time. My son has nobody else so I’m left scrambling for ways to fill the time when his sister is out playing soccer or just spending time with her friends.
I’m not very good at creating and maintaining community. My husband is abysmal at it. I have been so, so lucky to find real friends in my daughter’s friends’ moms. Truly I am consciously grateful for it every day. I spent the early years of motherhood basically alone, with no community at all, and it was awful. Not a day goes by that I’m not thankful for what I have.
But what I have is changing. And it will continue to change. I think part of me wants to move away to get in front of that change – to have some control over it. Maybe if I move away and we create a new community, these friends will still exist on the periphery, and we’ll still see them sometimes. All my friends seem to have these eccentric circles of community, and it’s the outer rings that they have and I lack. Maybe if I move I can preserve my current community in some way, in an outer circle, before my inner circle unravels on it’s own.
It’s good to recognize why I’ve been so stressed out about seemingly minor problems. This is not just about my daughter being alone at her new middle school, it’s about my own fears that my community is coming apart. I know that change is coming for my community even if all my daughter’s friends go to the same middle school – kids commonly change social circles during adolescence – but it was easier to feign ignorance when the possible changes resided in nebulous future probabilities. Now it’s staring me down, and it’s hard to look directly at it, to acknowledge and accept it.
I wonder if I’m handling this new uncertainty surrounding my community worse than I would have otherwise because everything else in my life feels so uncertain. I don’t even know what my job will look like in two weeks (they still haven’t shared the Phase 4 schedule with elective teachers), let alone in the fall. I don’t know if my kids will be back in school this spring, let alone in September. It’s a lot of not knowing and it’s hard.
I don’t think moving is going to fix how you feel. There are many good reasons to move (SF is expensive, job dissatisfaction, etc.), but moving in the hopes of finding a new community is just not one of them. The problems you have finding and maintaining a community are not going to change in a new location. No-covid may help a bit as people are more willing to do things with others, but fundamentally we are ourselves wherever we are, in the new place or in the old place. Starting fresh among a group of people who don’t know you is HARD, especially when the people where you move already have community where they are, and you are a knew unknown.
That is probably right. But I guess the other side of the coin is, if my hard won community is going to come apart anyway, there is even less reason to stay and try to navigate this abysmal school district. Might as well just move to a better school district and hope they make friends there. Maybe it’s that I’m more inclined to leave what we have because I don’t think it will last very long anyway.
New location means starting at zero and sometimes new places are easy to join and sometimes they are totally absolutely evil closed against newcomers. When you dream of the new do you even have an idea of what state or county it would be in? Next, profoundly, think of being new in that place; then what would you do to build a new community? Do the same where you are. Not around your children who will move away from you in the next about 10 years, but around YOU. Find an interest you and husband can share learning and practicing in that you will want to do jointly in 10 years; dabble around abit and see what works for you. Improv, Dojo, walking/running groups, photography, couples bookclubs, museum docent-ing or whatever. It will take some dabbling and false ideas to begin. Review what you do and do not like about trials and refine pattern. I figure you currently have maybe 5 mins a day while commuting to consider ideas… so this is long range planning. But this is where you build community that is not solely centered on your children. Because this is the work you would need to do in a new community and it can also be done in an existing one, although during this still in place virus reality you may not be able to implement action and meet people it does allow you to plan ahead of today.
Most people most of the time forget that we need to work regularly at increasing our circles of people because as we age and our children become adults lots of circles shrink through normal attrition. A life long circle and process for the vast majority of people.
Thank you for hanging in and keeping going. It is VERY hard but watching you do it helps me do it too. (Just, do not become PTA President again.)
I absolutely agree with what OMDG said: “fundamentally we are ourselves wherever we are”. That is spot on. Certainly there are things that may improve with moving (more money, if you move from a high COL to low COL location, etc) but social dimensions, changes to our own behaviour or emotional reactions to things? Unlikely. I had the same thought a few years ago when I moved across the country for school. I had these (in hindsight, insane and hilarious) thoughts that I would start going to yoga classes! (I hate both yoga and groups) and join a book club! (did I mention I hate groups?). When I settled in, I did all the same things I did before (hiking by myself, going to the gym by myself, exploring new restaurants by myself, etc).
Simply wishing you and your readers a lovely healthy joyous weekend. SO GLAD you had some time off and hope you refreshed your spirit. Betting you already know John McLaren Park. Just was there for first time. Wonderful place!
I have been struggling with my sense of community too. Most of my local friends were through work and it has been clear how few are actually friends and how many are just… nice coworkers.
I have been waiting and waiting to have our kids in local schools so that play dates with friends from school don’t require a 30 minute drive. I’m really hoping that happens soon now that there is some school.
Not sure if this is your scenario too but I am already seeing how on of my kids makes friends much more easily than the other and I feel so much for the one who struggles some. She’s just not any ones “best” friend although I think a lot of kids like her. It’s hard.
I am determined to stay put as long as we can to let these friendships grow.