My husband and I had a conversation today that made me realize why I’ve been having an easier time working from home with our kids around than he has.
My husband is used to his work day being a protected entity. His familial obligations only rarely infringed on his professional time. I, on the other hand, have always worked less than I would ideally work, and that discrepancy has always been for the sake of our family. I always leave school earlier than I want, with more tasks on my to-do list than I can get done in the time I’ll have the next day, because I need to pick up the kids. I’m used to finishing prep work during one class, with students all around me doing something else, because I didn’t get it done the night before. I’m used to being a few steps behind, of prioritizing tasks and reorganizing plans because there just wasn’t time to get it all done. I’m used to getting my job done in far fewer hours than I need to do it well, or at least as well as I would like.
My husband is not used to any of these things. His work day was always a sacred space, and now it’s being infiltrated, and he doesn’t know how to manage that.
I’m trying to offer him so much time away from us, because I know he needs the long stretches of uninterrupted time more than I do. I can get stuff done in 15 minutes chunks. My husband cannot. So I offer him huge swaths of the day downstairs where no one interrupts him, while I mute my Zoom calls to help my kids with their math, or negotiate about what they can and cannot do next (yes, they should know what they can do next, no they don’t want to remember that because what they CAN do next is never what they WANT to do next). I also have a better idea of what they are working on academically, and what they should be working on. So it makes sense for me to be upstairs with them for the bulk of the day. I have fewer calls to make, fewer moments when I have to be available at a certain time. My work is more asynchronous, while his is more synchronous. Even while he’s working from home during a fucking pandemic, the city if riding the 9-to-6 work day. It’s crazy how hard it is for people to let shit like that go.
I understand that nothing I can offer him will ever be enough, that it will never equal his uninterrupted, six-hour work day. But it really sucks when it’s not even appreciated.
I wonder how many men around the world are witnessing what it’s always been like for their spouses, and yet still not really seeing it. It’s crazy how hard it is for my husband to see something that is directly in front of his face.
I guess it makes sense – witnesses never accurately recount what happened. I shouldn’t be surprised that my husband can’t either.
That would be…enormously frustrating for me, particularly because it isn’t personal to him, the whole entire world is adjusting to the situation as it stands. This is hard on every single one of us but we also have to buck up and just deal with the situation. I’ve had moments of feeling sorry for myself that I’m divorced during this (although I am quarantined w my ex, long story) but I do think it’s so much worse on women whose husbands can’t bring empathy and recognition to the fact that this is a very different world. (hugs)
We have a similar situation in our household, except that it’s me, not my husband, who is not used to having my workday interrupted. Throughout our marriage, I have had a more demanding job that requires more hours of work each week, while my husband’s job is almost never over 40 hours and has a lot of flexibility.
As a result, I have been very stressed out, and my husband has been doing OK (his boredom and frustration at being forced to stay home more notwithstanding). Probably also helps that he still has to go to his actual office 2-3 days a week (essential employee, and not everything he does can be done remotely), while I am in the house 24/7 with our children unless I go out for a walk.
These are trying times.
What impressive insight and compassion about the nature of your husband’s experience and process of work. I am deeply impressed by you once again!
I am also very very sorry that your husband is unable to see what is happening and to understand this discrepancy, even without being able/required to change his behaviors. Some men see their jobs as of higher value to the family and therefore as deserving more focused time with less time to contribute to the family. For other men it is not that mental comparison of job values but something about their personal work style and experience that prevents their acting on the discrepancy. They may realize the loads are not equal but they perceive their spouse as more able to manage both roles at the same time and do not want to confront their own inabilities.
As a happy note it does look like the shutdown may well mean earlier and MUCH lower peak illness/death result in our state and area ….. Unfortunately that will also not mean the shutdown can end sooner as we are so far behind on all the needed tests and vaccines. So there remains a long haul of very altered behaviors and life patterns.
SO glad you are writing. Helps me so much.