Conflicted

Tuesday was just what I needed. I was able go get a sub I know and like, so I wasn’t worried about things at school. I got a lot done–not everything on my to-do list–but enough to feel productive. I also got a little break from the regular stresses at work, even though I was at home… doing work.

I spent the morning at a cafe grading papers and writing a test. When my husband texted that he and our son had left, I went home. I watched a shitty movie and graded packets. I finished making the test. I worked out. I planned the next three weeks for all my classes. I gchatted with my husband. I talked with a friend on the phone.

It was a good day.

But really, what is the point of writing that post?

. . .

I come here and there are all kinds of things I could write about. But with the political turmoil swirling all around us, it feels trite. And yet… we have to live our lives. I am conflicted.

I don’t really know what else to say. Things are bad. Really bad. Catastrophically bad. How does one absorb that and then simply continue living her life? How does one strike a balance?

Right now I am burrowing deeply into the minutiae. I plan for possible futures. I think about the summer, I think about next year. I think about next week. But only in the context of my life. Like maybe if I can shape our existence, everything will be okay.

Of course it won’t be. And I am deeply privileged that I can even imagine possible futures without worrying my or my family’s imminent safety.

It’s only been two weeks. A fortnight. How are you we supposed to survive this? How are we supposed to keep fighting?

I don’t have the answers.

And so I will schedule this post, and go back to making a study guide for my 7th and 8th graders. Then I will pack my daughter’s lunches, and lay out my clothes, and brush my teeth and go to bed.

And tomorrow I’ll wake up and live another day.

This is our life now. I suppose, sooner or later, we’ll get used to it.

And that’s the most terrifying part.

12 Comments

  1. Yes. I was talking to a friend the other day about how we’ve felt physically ill since the election (I can’t even count how many people have told me they feel “not that sick, but not quite right” in the past two weeks, and they’re not sure why). And on top of everything else he’s doing, the president should not get to make us feel sick, too. We need to take care of ourselves!

  2. I work for the Department of Defense (and all we feel is turmoil) and waiting for the next big thing to happen. It’s horribly exhausting and excruciating at the same time. Even those that had some semblance of hope that he would change things in a positive way have lost all hope now. So far we have been inundated with too much work, lost all hope of filling positions that are empty or those that are emptying bc of the administration and have no thoughts of any cost of living increases that are long overdue (bc we are not technically military employees). Its a no win battle and then I have to make my daughter feel okay about the future bc it worries her (and she’s almost 5). It’s so sad and I try not to dwell on it too much since it is thrown in my face every minute at work. I pray that either he is impeached and removed from office, or something happens and some person takes the blame for removing him from office physically and before we enter WWIII.

  3. I feel the same way. It’s hard to post about silly, mundane, daily events on the blog when insane Cheeto head is starting WWIII with AUSTRALIA. WTF dude they are one of our friends??!?!?

    I swear people are going to be at least 50% less productive during this Administration because they are so worried about their jobs, their country, etc. like B above. Things aren’t great at my office either.

  4. Dear Conflicted…

    It could very well be that the world still exists because of small acts of kindness. I think that’s how people have survived wars, famine, genocide. Sometimes, all it takes is for a neighbor to share food or to provide shelter. Sometimes, all it takes is for a stranger to smile at another stranger. Sometimes, the line between survival and death is just one meal.

    Sometimes, all it takes is for a group of people to stand in front of an army tank and to refuse to let it pass.

    I am not marching and I am not involved in politics. But I do want to take a stand – with all the little things I can do to make things better – maybe not for our country or the world, but for those I walk past every day.

    You are a teacher – and oh my, what a difference a teacher’s kind word makes in the life of my kids!!! Please, please, please show your students that one can still be hopeful and kind – even in the worst of times.

  5. Yes, absolutely, I think Mel wrote the same kind of post recently and I just had to nod my head. On the one hand, it seems wrong to write & even think about the mundane daily things, on the other hand—we have to, or we can’t move forward. We have to focus on the little joys, and take comfort where we can, and yes, even acknowledge and enjoy our privilege. As long as we are also doing our small part to resist the damage being done, I think we can/must feel ok with that.

  6. The good news is, the House could absolutely vote to impeach him. If convicted by the Senate, by 2/3 vote, then yes! he could be removed. The bad news, Republicans control BOTH House and Senate…so the chances of Impeachment is unlikely but what keeps me going? Mid term elections in 2018! There’s a chance…if we make it until then.
    A very good friend of mine told me, and rightfully so, to stop the self pity party, and do something. Sign that petition, call your Rep, go to that March, don’t give up…and then think of these people who you are doing that ALL for, who would oh so love to be in your place. I am thankful my friend got me involved. The future doesn’t seem so bleak.

  7. Thank you for your posts about the mundane. I need you to post them because otherwise I get crazed by the spin and hysteria. I know logically I need to stay grounded in the present. The reality of today where treated, bullying things that are being said are not happening. The reality that many things are being said but not actually happening. That when I get into worst case thinking I am in the future. I need and appreciate the grounding of laying out your children’s clothes, toilet training, explaining to children that the groundhog and shadow does not really predict the upcoming weather. It is too easy for me to isolated from those realities; paper to grade, lessons planned, grocery shopping and to get spun into fear over things I can do little to control and can only influence by writing my elected officials and being active in local, and state, government.
    YOU ALL are part of my daily gratitudes. You are part of what will keep me from spinning myself emotionally into catastrophic ill health. THANK YOU for holding my hands. Please keep writing.

    1. Not treated but threatening sorry failed to find auto correct when proofed.
      to BE isolated. paperS to grade. WOW! I just totally proved my point that I am not being in the present, and am getting lost in the hysteria!
      Laughter and joy to you all and hopes that you get small child hugs from your favorite children today!

  8. I know how you feel about trying to live life while feeling fearful of the future. It’s so hard. Take action when you can, but love your family always. It’s hard.

  9. Yep, it is such a terrifying time, and yet life is still mostly mundane. I decided I can do two things to work for change, so I will work hard at those things and look toward the midterm election and keep hope. Thank you for the gift of the mundane. It’s easy to forget to live when things are so out of control and if we put life on hold, we miss out on so much.

  10. I cannot post comment on Beautiful Commute. What happened????
    It appears to post but when I go back hours later it is gone???!!!

    1. I’m not sure what is going on. I can see both your comments on that post when I open it in my browser. I don’t know why you can’t see them.

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