I’ve known that I have ADHD for a long time, but I’m just starting to realize how much it affects me. And… shit I don’t know how to write this or what to say, but for real I need to write something.
Right now it feels like ADHD is standing between me and the life I want. It is a brick wall, towering above me, disappearing into the horizon in both directions. There is no way to go over, or under, or through. It is immense and impenetrable. I hate it with every fiber of my being.
There are so many changes I’ve wanted to make in my life that I haven’t been able to make, at least not effectively or consistently, and every single one centers around my ADHD. I do these things I don’t want to do because I have ADHD and I can’t stop doing them, or change the way I do them, because of my ADHD. And honestly, if I look closer, and pull back the layers and labels and the ways I’ve understood myself for so long, it is clear that ADHD has been influencing my life in so many negative ways, has been keeping me from being happy for so long, and I honestly don’t think it’s ever going to get better.
{Reading that, it doesn’t feel like that big of a deal. Oh my house is a little messy! Oh I spend more than I mean to! Welcome to the club. But it’s hard to explain how demoralizing it is to set goal after goal and never even get close to meeting them. To KonMarie my house only to have it be paralyzingly cluttered again a year letter. To tell myself that this month I’m going to stick to my new budget and not make it even a single day. To have those things I can’t control keep me from doing so many things I want, like traveling and living abroad, and just having a goddamn friend over for drinks. And that’s not to mention all the horrible things it makes me think about myself. The ways it makes me see myself as a failure.}
I feel frustrated, and angry, that this affects so many faucets of my life in so many adverse ways. I wish so badly I didn’t have it. That I were someone else.
And watching my daughter deal with it, and knowing she will probably have an equally difficult time, breaks my heart.
And knowing that having this makes it that much harder for me to parent her in the way she needs, breaks my heart even more.
I feel like this disorder takes so much, and it doesn’t give much back. Creativity? Spontaneity? Enthusiasm? I’m sorry but those few positives are not nearly enough. The cost is much too high. I can’t enjoy those strengths when I’m constantly stressed that I’ve forgotten something important, or I’ve lost something valuable or irreplaceable, or when I can’t control my anger and frustration, when I yell even though I want desperately to be calm, when I can’t organize my home or my classroom, when I can’t watch a movie with my husband without pissing him off, when I can’t control my spending, and only manage my disordered eating with medication. It fucking sucks to live my life this way, and it makes me feel sad and hopeless to realize it will always be like this.
I’m reading more about it, and trying to take heart in the positive aspects, but damn, it’s easy to linger on the negative. And when I google “I hate my ADHD,” and read post after post by people who feel similarly…
I keep coming back to this paragraph in Driven to Distraction, the current book I’m reading (not sure of the page number because I’m reading an electronic copy on Axis360):
In discussing what’s happening over the past decade and a half with Dr. Russell Barkley, one of the leading researchers in the field, I was particularly interested in Dr. Barkley’s comment that ADD is more impairing that any syndrome in all mental health that is treated on an outpatient basis. More impairing than anxiety, more impairing that depression, more impairing that substance abuse. The “morbidity” of untreated ADD is profound. Twenty-five percent of the prison population has undiagnosed ADD. Most of the kids in the juvenile justice system have untreated ADD. Traffic accidents are eight times more common that in the general population. If you have ADD, you are 40 percent more likely to get divorced than if you don’t, and 30 percent more likely to be unemployed. Estimates run as high as 40 percent of the addicted population having ADD, and a significant proportion of the eating-disordered population.
Edward Hallowell M.D & John Ratey M.D., Driven to Distraction
It’s validating – I see more of myself in those statistics that I’d like to admit – but it’s also demoralizing.
I know I should end this without something that wraps it all up, that makes it relevant in some way. But this is where I am right now, and there isn’t a pretty little bow to put on top of it. ADHD affects my life in many and myriad adverse ways. I hate it. I wish desperately that I didn’t have it. I wish that my daughter didn’t have it. I hate that she has it because of me.
I’m owning it though, for maybe the first time in my life. And I guess that is something. And since it makes it hard to wrap things up into a succinct message, I’m not going to make myself do that, or this post will never get published.
One of our twin sons was diagnosed with ADHD a little over a year ago, at the end of kindergarten. Neither my husband nor I (nor our egg donor or her family) have ADHD, but my nephew — who is 12 — has it. The biggest adverse effect I’ve seen of ADHD so far for both my nephew and my son has been the impact it’s had on their social relationships.
I’m sorry that you feel frustrated and angry. It must be hard to live with something you can’t change that causes you a lot of difficulty.
This sounds hard. The fact that so many people in prison have ADD leads me to believe that the problem is that the world is set up for a certain type of disposition and people who are slightly different really suffer.
I also lose things (a lot) and find it impossible to maintain things in an organized way. And I’m always forgetting to bring something – tissues, pen, etc. In general I’m just messy and scattered, but am pretty organized when it comes to appointments and deadlines so I don’t think it is ADD. I suspect it is some type of visual perception deficit. Or maybe I just don’t care enough about being neat?
Anyway if you don’t mind sharing, I’m curious to know more about how the ADD is affecting you in the ways you listed. I don’t know much about it but I would like to learn more as I think I would have a better understanding of some of my friends and their kids.
The first step is in owning the impact ADD has on your life. Seeing the truth.You are doing that. Then treating you like you would treat you if you were diagnosed with diabetes. Kindness and perseverance. You did this before with infertility, and won.
Then there is the deep breath and forward movement.
Who is the foremost expert. What is research showing? Who can you see for medical help for you and your daughter? What are the most current, reputable books? (just put in my request for ‘Driven to Dist.’ at library, but it looks like published 2011???. Thank you.) Beyond identifying with book did you find any helpful positive information … or are you not yet finished reading.
Please share the information. I am not current any more but the issue is becoming more present again in my life.
You are not alone.
Have you considered medication? It has literally saved my husband’s life. He sees his doc a few times a year and his medication helps him immensely! He can focus, he can multitask, he keeps his office tidy, he’s less prone to depression or anxiety. Seriously, Ive known him medicated and not… it really does help him on a profound level.
I take Strattera, which is a non-stimulant ADHD medication. It has helped me very much, and I am so grateful to have started taking it 10 years ago. It really does make things so much better.
I’m also curious about the resources you have been exploring as I’m on a similar journey. I believe I also have ADHD and am working on getting a diagnosis (which has been insanely hard to do). Teddy has recently been diagnosed and though Maddy hasn’t, it’s something that’s on my mind.
For Teddy, we recently requested a 504 plan for him, which has resulted in a complete switch for him at school. Maddy has an IEP, so we’re working to incorporate some things to help her manage. All with a lot of guidance from their PCP. Despite this support, there’s still the struggle with those who don’t understand.
For me, I’m making all of this up as I go. And the more I read, the more I see myself in all of the descriptions, which brings out its own set of emotions as I internalized all my struggles with being character flaws (lazy, difficult, not trying hard enough, etc). I have another month until my evaluation, so any recommendations would be appreciated.
Also, you’re not alone. I’m sorry it sucks.
Sometimes a post doesn’t have to have a conclusion. I don’t have ADHD, but struggling with depression and anxiety, I see a lot of what you post and can relate. Especially the yelling part. OMG, if i could get through one week without yelling at my kids, it would be a miracle. I’d probably feel cured. FWIW, you’re doing the work and able to peel back the layers. That’s steps forward even if it doesn’t feel like it.
My heart goes out to you because I UNDERSTAND. I HATE having ADHD too. I am 48 and this condition was just a few months ago recognized and diagnosed. I started stimulant medication a few weeks ago. I managed to get 2 college degrees and have a 23 year career in elementary education (and hated every minute of it) but I only managed that because 1) my mother told me every day that I had to go to college and so I never questioned that, and 2) fear of being perceived as incompetent kept me going at my job from day to day. In the end I had a complete nervous breakdown (March 2020) and haven’t worked for any pay since – now nearly 2 years later. People on the outside think that I am fine but they have no clue how hard it is to fight with the voices in your head that say things like, “You are worthless. You’re a loser. You’d be better off dead because nothing good will ever come to you.” I am tired all of the time. I am anxious all of the time. I am depressed all of the time. My memory fails me on a daily basis. I am still in the early days of my stimulant medication treatment and that has proven to be a bit of bright light that provides symptom relief – but only for less than 5 hours every day – not even long enough to hold down a job let alone realize the benefits of symptom relief in other areas of my life. I am hopeful that an adjustment in medication will help – but shoot – THIS IS HARD. I am tired of being years behind everyone else my age. You get the point. ADHD is a miserable life-sentence but I still have a tiny bit of hope for some level of improvement.