I’m not a fan of Mother’s Day. I know I’m one of the lucky ones. My mother is alive, and we have a good relationship. I also have the kids I so desperately wanted. It feels like I should like Mother’s Day, or at least not hate it.
But I kind of hate it.
I hate any day, really, where expectations are created but might not necessarily be met, where opportunities for disappointment linger around every decision. Mother’s Day manages to create expectations in others I will probably not meet, and even manages to disappoint me!
Why do we need to create more opportunities for disappointment? Oh right! To inspire consumerism! Isn’t capitalism great!
Mother’s Day feels like such a lose/lose proposition. In my case, there are three mothers that expect… I don’t know… something? My mom, my mother-in-law, and I all can lay claim to the day. How exactly are we supposed to play it?
I am extremely lucky that my MIL does not seem to care at all about they kinds of Hallmark holidays. She never tries to lay claim to the day. In fact this year my ILs are making my favorite breakfast, which I think is so sweet.
My mother does have expectations. And I always feel like I disappoint her. This year she is out of town and I must admit, I feel nothing but relief.
And then there are my own complicated feelings. I don’t think my mom should care so much about the day, and I’m thankful my MIL doesn’t, so shouldn’t I care either, right? And I don’t. Except a part of me does. Because my husband never does anything, AT ALL on this day. And while I love the stuff my kids make me, I know they only do it because an adult told them too. I could never articulate what might make me happy on this bullshit day, all I know is that I never feel happiness.
{Let’s not even mention the fact that I’m always asked what I want to do on the day, and what I really want is to do something alone, or with a friend, and isn’t that a shitty way to celebrate being a mother, by getting far away from the people that make me one?}
I guess I just resent that someone created a day that further complicates my already complicated life, a day that temps me to spend money when really I don’t need to, a day that creates the opportunity for disappointment and guilt. It’s all just so unnecessary. And I’m one of the lucky ones, who has a mom to celebrate, and who is celebrated as a mom. For so many people this day is about nothing but sadness. It’s an awful, traumatic day. And for what? There isn’t enough suffering in the world? We have to literally manufacture opportunities to revisit trauma and loss?
I honestly wish we could just get rid of it, for everyone’s sake.
So happy Sunday everyone. I hope you make it out unscathed.
I think most moms hate Mother’s Day. I agree it’s hard to enjoy it when I have obligations to my mom and mother in law. It makes it even harder to skip away for some time by myself when the day is so full.
Maybe I get to sleep late but then I get annoyed that my husband doesn’t get up with the kids more often and sleeping late is such a rare occasion.
Even as a kid I didn’t like it because I hated art and my school Mother’s day projects always looked terrible and I felt bad about that.
Its a holiday that just sets everyone up for disappointment.
So change the plan. Make Mother’s Day and Father’s Day a picnic day where you get store made sandwiches and bottled drink and go to a park. Or a museum if your kids can cope with that. Announce your plan at least a week ahead. Make it happen on Saturday to avoid crowds if you wish. Or a week before or whatever fits your world. Ask for what you would like that has no price tag: I want an extra morning kiss on X Day and no sibling disagreements. Nothing else. Decrease expectations. Send your mom and mil flowers to arrive on the Friday of that weekend, IF you have reason to believe they will like that. (It isn’t on my list so ask outside the time of such holidays how they feel about flowers as gifts.) Let them come on picnic day if they wish to and bring their own picnic lunch. Be clear, no store gifts. Play the circle game of telling each person in the circle one reason you love them…… You do not even have to tell them it is a circle game, you can do it individually and privately…..
Take control from stores and Hallmark and DO YOU! Because you are special, unique, and different from others.
Mixed feelings. I finally got to celebrate after my first baby which came after 6 yrs of infertility. And the horrible experience of having a missed m/c (4 years in, after my 2nd IVF) right before mother’s day, which meant tons of Mother’s Day commercials as I lay on the couch recovering from a D&C. So, dammit I get to enjoy Mother’s Day. But then my husband rarely does anything for me on my birthday, etc. so expectations are low. At least I get my kids’ creations which they put their hearts into.
Meanwhile, someone in my dept (male) is always sending emails about holidays. He sent one last week reminding people to thank their moms, happy Mother’s Day, etc. Just no. Many of us no longer have our moms, and some people might desperately want to be a mom or mourn that their chance has passed. So it’s better just to stfu with those types of emails that go to everyone.
Agreed! I’m in the same boat. Love that you wrote this. It can be difficult to explain the complexity of feelings that this ridiculous day creates, and it so complicates and adds pressure to our already complicated lives.
I agree with the top commenter and the 2nd (if someone does something that annoys, upsets or hurts you, they can’t know if you don’t speak up). For 6+ years I asked no one to talk about Mother’s Day around me and guess what, they didn’t. I have friends who celebrate by taking the day for themselves and others who insist on spending it with their children. Do you and tell everyone what you expect. No one can read minds and we should never assume. Ask your mom, tell your husband if at that point there are still unmet expectations tell them you wish not to “celebrate”. My children enjoy celebrating (all the things) and make the crafts without parent direction (or with at school/daycare). I enjoy each and every hug, kiss, drawing and craft and really that is all I want or need to know they love and appreciate me 🙂
I acknowledge that I’m lucky that my mom expects nothing but a phone call and my MIL and I don’t speak much. Honestly, when it comes to MIL/FIL – I don’t care what the relationship is (great or awful) – that is our spouses’ jobs. I declared a few years ago that I will only be the kin keeper of my side of the family and that he’s on his own. If he forgets his siblings’ birthdays, so be it. (I do send birthday texts to his family on my own, but I no longer remind him of their birthdays.) If he doesn’t think to call his mom until 9:00 at night on mother’s day (happened last night) only because our kids asked why we called Grammy (my mom) but not Grandma, that’s his reputation, not mine.
You need to release yourself of any responsibility for HIS family. RIGHT NOW. 😁 You don’t have time for it!
I’m like you – I want mother’s day to be a day for me to get the hell away from them right after breakfast together. 😂 Brian is really good about these little days and holidays so always does something, but nothing major. I really appreciated our day yesterday – donuts and cards, brunch with my friend (who is childless and sad about it, so we make it “girls day,” instead of mother’s day), Matthew to basketball (so quiet drive time for me as Bryson slept in the car – BEST PART OF MY DAY), a trip to pick up my gift at best buy (a new phone – because I wouldn’t approve the expense so he waited until he could make it a gift so I couldn’t say no), a visit to our resident bald eagle nest to check on the eaglets (my very favorite thing!), then dinner at my aunt’s (Brian’s favorite family in the WORLD). Great team effort with 0 expectations, as I really think it should be.
I spend the day thinking about the people who want to be moms who aren’t, and that’s my own fault but it always dampens the day. I have a lot of guilt knowing what this holiday used to feel like for years – knowing others will never get the relief from that pain like I did.
All that to say, I feel you. I get it. 😘
Mother’s day to me is about ME… Charlie started giving me some shit that I didn’t want to hang out with the kids, and I shut that down RIGHT quick. I spent all day Saturday with them before going to the hospital from 6pm-3am because my SIL was in labor and my brother wanted me there. I was EXHAUSTED yesterday morning, slept in a bit, showered and went back to the hospital with the kids to introduce them to their cousin, and then I told him I wanted to go to watch my friends’ band play and have drinks on the patio with some girlfriends. He started with passive aggressive shaming for it, and I about lost it on him because he always golfs with his Dad for 5 hours on Father’s Day while I’m home with the kids, and WTF is any different? So yeah, I spent 3pm-7pm having drinks and enjoying the sunshine with girlfriends yesterday, and that was perfect. Thankfully my Mom and MIL don’t have any expectations from us really when it comes to holidays. I called my Mom and my MIL stopped by and had a drink and enjoyed the music with us, and that was good! I agree with re-framing what the holiday means to YOU and screw the rest of the Hallmark B.S.